unwanted positive termination advice needed

[percyingle]

Have just done test and apologies to those trying to conceive but this is the worst possible thing that could happen to me for several reasons financial, age, but mainly due to the horror experience i had giving birth (nearly three days labour with emergency c section) i truly thought i would die.

It feels so different from the last time when i knew i would have the baby whatever happened even though then our circumstances were far from perfect.

This time i just feel fear of the birth.
i really cant contemplate doing it again. I need advice on terminations, what happens?
will my doctor accept my reasons?

i do feel very guilty for feeling like this and am having bad dreams but the idea of leaving my child motherless is overwhelming.

have doctor appointment in two days and
would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in similar situation.
tia

A friend faced similar a few years ago and asked my advice. I told her it had to be her decision and that no one else should put pressure on - not even her dh who dreaded having another baby.

I felt that she should be certain that she wouldn't be haunted by what she had done in future.

When she went for her consultation she voiced this to the counsellor, who reminded her that women had battled for decades to be able to make these choices about their own bodies.

She went ahead and has had no regrets - she said it was like a huge weight lifted from her shoulders.

I couldn't have done it - I'd always have been thinking of the potential child.

So there is only one person who knows whether this is the right decision and that's you.

Percy,
you are not selfish or evil, your reaction is completely normal after such a traumatic experience.

I have just started taking the pill again after having a scare when I thought I might be pregnant and was facing the same decision as yourself. We definately do not want another child, 2 are enough, I had an emergency CS with DS and PND afterwards. I was also alone a lot, no family nearby to help. I know that I could not go through that again, I am also terrified of childbirth now. It is not rational, I know the statistics and that it is very rare for somethign to go so wrong.

Please get councelling, if you decide to terminate the pregnancy, then it is your decision to make. Good luck, however you decide.

The GP will be fine with that as a reason, yes.

Have heard of hypnotherapy helping with a birth phobia so might be worth considering if thats really the main concern, but ultimately you must do whats right for you.

I ahd a terrible pregnancy with ds1 which almost resulted in death twice- hyperemesis so severe I went into a coma from dehydration, and then Eclampsia at the end. I was lucky in that I fell pg with ds2 so very quickly (5 months!), it hadn't had a chance to build up to anything more in my mind, but I can imagine the fear you muct have.

Give yurself a few days to come to terms with the reality before making any irreversible decisions, that's the only solid advice I think.

Oh, Percy, you are none of the things that you describe yourself. None of them at all! You are a responsible woman who is struggling to make the right choice for herself and that means that everything you are doing is right. By that, I mean thinking things through, considering all the options and doing what only you know is best for yourself.

In my experience I am 20 weeks into my first pregnancy and in all honesty, for the first five weeks after weeing on that stick, I was absolutely devastated. We decided to go ahead with the pregnancy (it's a long story but we're happy with our decision) but there were several moments when a termination felt like the only way ahead. I really do intend for this to be the only child I have and I can't tell you how vigorous I'll be about contraception once the little 'un has arrived!

Anyhoo, I have never once felt ashamed of those feelings and you shouldn't feel ashamed of yours.

Please do find someone qualified to talk to. I called a couple of helplines early on and they were great. There's a list of them on the BBC parenting web pages, under the support section I think. Don't be scared of seeking all the professional help you can get your hands on. Be open about your fears and, whatever your decision, I hope things go well.

Keep us posted, Percy, and even though I haven't a clue who you are I'm sending you a bloody great hug.

Sx

cant thank you all enough for these messages, really means something for me to talk about this honestly my best friend is 2 months pregnant and going through tough time on many levels including with her ex p so i feel cant speak to her (and dont want to scare her with birth story)

dh is really against another baby due to birth scare (he was there) financial / housing pressures but would stand by my decision i know this

i get physical fear just thinking of going ahead with this and feel extreme guilt if i dont

i think i will call teh advice lines later today (have young child barking at me to go out and cant delay any longer)

dolly i will try and cat later but holding out little hope, took me nearly half an hour to change my name!

am a thicko in limbo

thanks again everyone

percyingle, it seems you are really worried about financial matters. i know you are still in shock about pregnancy but could you reduce mortgage payments for a year or so, you know, go on interest only or something. and talk to other creditors, not sure if you have a job at the moment but you do get mat pay etc and you could go back to work around 3 months after birth. youll survive. gloria gaynor did! x

ps. i really think you should keep the baby. best wishes x

xyzabc, we are just about okay financially can cover bills but little left over iykwim
i am sahm now and if had another child would have to give them the same i think its important
i still dont know what to do but the thought of the birth and dark long lonely early days this time with lively child too makes me feel very old and tired
of course i kept on seeing newborns just everywhere today

percy, no right or wrong, but my thoughts are with you.

If you decide to keep the baby i could sort some baby stuff out for you as I am sure lots of other people on here would do so as well.

Good luck will be thinking of you

If it makes you feel any better the second baby is a lot cheaper.

i really feel, as much as i can from a few posts here..without 'knowing' you...that it is the birth itself you don;t want, not the baby.....please get some help ASAP with that

i'm sure if there is a mumsnet doula near you, she would do what she could to help, i know i would....

hi percyingle, just want to join in to give you my support. firstly, very few women die in childbirth these days, so you wont die! cant you have an epidural for pain, if thats whats worrying you. i dont know where you live but im sure lots of mumsnetters can be your birthing buddies. i was in similar situation about 5 years ago, just took on mortgage size of africa and already had 2 kids. but decided to keep baby and my little girl is starting school tomorrow. keep chatting to us until u make decision. x x

i know the chances of dying in childbirth are super slim but it did happen to mother at our pre-school last year and poor kid it was heartbreaking, then of course others piled in with stories of how more common it is these days

losing dignity i can cope with, leave it at the hospital door, but the loss of control and lack of human concern was shocking.

i was wimpering away on trolley whilst surrounded by two midwifes and assorted medical professionals discussing holidays they just didnt care or seem to notice and this was at a top teaching hospital.

my epidural before section didnt work the first time, they were screaming at me cause i couldn't talk through sheer exhaustion, only nod my head which wasnt good enough for them. i felt i was on a conveyer belt, it was life or death for me and my baby but just seemed to mean nothing to these people

Normally i would trust mother nature but it didnt happen last time

once you decide to do this it is in their hands and i just dont trust them nor my body

am near to tears again just thinking of all this, sorry.

Dear percyingle,

Is there any possibility of having pregnancy crisis counselling over this? Keep in mind that the repercussions of a termination are huge and from my own painful experience would suggest you get counselling to sort out your feelings before making such a huge decision.
xxx

I am so sorry that you were so badly let down by a supposed caring profession, if you did go ahead with it is there another hospital you could go to??

Are you north south east or west, if you are anywhere near me and I could help you at all, I would.

To echo other posters only you can decide, i cannot imagine what i would do in your position.

Good Luck

you can go to a different hospital

you can have a doula, to be your advocate

you can see about having an Independent MW

you can get help with how you are feeling

it is worth addressing this fear, as it has become so all consuming, and also talking to the head of midwifery about the lack of care you received last time.

i am so sorry that you have had experience of someone you know dying in childbirth, this is of course adding to your worry and i can fully understand that. but i still think its very unusual. and of course no two births are the same, you could have a much better managed birth this time. dont forget abortions not without risks. is your partner supportive, what does he want you do do? x

i know there are risks with either decision and i need to research and talk
all this is too much just now
dh is very supportive and will go with what i want but saw how close things were the last time and we are both scared i think, that our present happiness will be gone forever
i cant really beleive i am in this position i am such a fool
we moved after the birth and it would be a different hospital with no post natal care and it is threatened with closure
my first hospital seemed so good, midwives were great til the birth really and i got to know them all so thought i would be treated better i guess
am just too scared, i know i sound a coward, and i never comtemplated doing it again gave away everything after i finished with it

am also worried about abortion, the operation etc
rabbit in the headlights

Up to 12 weeks you can have a medical termination, which is in essence an induced miscarriage. No surgery so if you are dead set on the termination, but scared of surgery you could opt for that route.

It ain't pleasant though.

I've had one at only 8 weeks gestation and it was the worst experience of my life. My advice is not to make this decision in a hurry, not to make it out of fear because I guarantee you'll regret it.

Go speak to the birth trauma association, discuss all your misgivings with your GP, be brutally honest with yourself and your DH. The GP wont refuse you a termination because you want to explore your feelings, honestly I don't think any GPs really refuse them anymore unless they have strong political affiliations. In which case you could just get a 2nd opinion.

You could also ask your GP to arrange a meeting with a Midwife and/or Obstetrician so that you can discuss how difficult your last birth was and if you were to have another what could be done to ensure it never happened that way again.

And for the record, 40 is not too old to give birth. The people who made you feel ancient at 37 were stupid. There's lots of resources out there that can reassure you of that.

percyingle, i agree with what all the other posters have recommended, and just wanted to add one thing:
i had a termination at nine weeks pregnant, a few years ago, and it will live with me forever. I don't exactly regret it - it was the right decision at the time- but it is not an easy thing to go through or get over.
I felt really depressed afterwards, and, ironically, all i wanted was the baby back. my hormones were all over the place. I just wanted to warn you, so that if you do decide to have a termination, you are prepared for possibly feeling really low afterwards and can perhaps take steps to make it easier on yourself.
i do think an elective c-section could be the ideal way out of this dilemma. you can even have it under general anasthaetic if you want, so you wouldn't be aware of a thing until your baby had arrived safely.
I had a general anasthaetic for something else a year ago and it was the nicest, deepest sleep I've ever experienced! I even had lovely dreams.
wishing you all the best...

have spent all time thinking, feeling and talking
i told my friend it just blurted out, she is nearly 5 months pregnant and i didnt mean to do it, and was good to talk to be honest and she was glad i was straight with her, i was too
i saw the doctor this morning i told him and he has referred to a marie stopes clinic on saturday
i think and feel i cannot do this, the fear panic i feel too old now i know what it entails
my body suffered alot in c-section, epidural back pains just not the same
i am tired at night i dont feel physically able to do it, the pregnancy, esp the birth and the memory of those early days i think now i had pnd dont know its a dark veil of a time

i dont want to jepordise my present happiness
i am a coward
an old poor scared one
if i was younger i think it might be different
i even dont think the money is that much of issue its not important to me in the scheme of things,
its space security we worry about education etc and can barely give ds what he deserves materially to give him all the opportunity he deserves
he is spoilt in love attention time fun

i was poor as a kid it is no fun, its the real choices that are really limited and you have to be bright and fight or be lucky or bit of both

please dont hate me i've stopped shaking, this seems the only option to me
this is hardest decision of my life and i dont expect you to understand you are not in my shoes

dh, my friend have been good
she said if i felt there was a bit of you that wanted to do this then i would try to talk you out

thanks all, and for letting me be honest

Oh percyingle I have lurked but not posted on your thread but I just wanted to offer a virtual shoulder because I think you're in a place where you feel the decision has already been made.

FWIW - you should be offered counselling when you go to the clinic so you will have a chance to discuss your fears on a one-to-one. Whatever you decide to do in the end, no one can judge you or blame you but you will need lots and lots of support either way so I'm glad your DH and friend are there for you xx

it is just counselling on saturday
i will discuss it all
i need to
thanks c&c

Percy, it does sound as if you've made your decision. If you're sure that this is the right way to go, stick with it. Don't let other's opinions about carying on with the pregnancy sway you to do anything that you are not happy with. You've had a baby once already and know what it entails so you are well equipped to decide if this is what you want for your future.

Please stop being so hard on yourself though, will you? You are in such a difficult position that beating yourself up won't make things any easier. Now's the time to be good to yourself. You're not a bad person or weak or foolish for thinking any of the things that you do. You are just normal. I remember that 'caught in the headlights' feeling when I first got pregnant and can promise you that my thoughts were about as dark as thoughts can get. That's cool.

However this goes, though, get some help. Surround yourself with supportive people, be honest with them and with yourself. Gather around every expert you can find and book yourself some time with a counsellor (the GP and MS clinic will point you in the right direction) to chat about your fears, whatever they may be. And don't stop posting here either! I for one will do everything I can to help.

Gawd, feeling this way is a complete and utter bastard isn't it?

Now, here's another hug to keep you going.

Sx

Percy, I am so sorry to read this....you sound so sad....you must make the decision which you think is right for you and your family. Nothing any of us can say should sway that decision as you will live with the decision whichever one it is. I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better. You are not a bad person at all, you are simply trying to do what you think is right. I hope that the counselling on Sat helps you feel more at ease with your decision.

I dont do virtual hugs but am thinking of you and sending you my very best wishes XXXXX