Buying things for new baby

[RainMinusBow]

First off, I guess our financial situation isn't "the norm" and our set-up certainly isn't.

Currently 24 weeks' pregnant with my third child - first for my fiancé. I have two older boys exactly half of the time (court enforced) so get nothing at all in terms of maintenance from ex-husband or anything like that. Get CB for one son despite ex earning way in excess of £100k pa (he has an unemployed gf so just his income).

OH and I both work ft - my salary is just a tiny bit over £1k pm and his around £1,6/7k pm. We rent a property for £850 pm as not currently in a position to get a mortgage.

My q is... How should we be splitting costs for baby? So far I've purchased nearly all of her clothes and basic equipment, the vast majority being secondhand from ebay.

I've tried hard to manage with only a very few maternity basics but now it's becoming very uncomfortable - again, I've purchased all of a limited selection of secondhand mat clothes. Stuff like shoes I'm just currently using the one pair of boots but nothing superglue isn't currently holding together!

My parents have bought crib for baby and his parents have offered to buy the travel system. Still need a monitor but I can't really afford things like that on my own on top of everything else.

Fiancé puts £850 pm in my account but out of that comes all bills and a lot of food. We also try to save £50 a month out of my account. We pay for our own petrol etc. Boys events and clothes etc also come out of my account.

Roughly speaking, does this sound reasonable to you guys? I'm just not sure...

Well of course he needs to contribute.

I would sit down together, go through writing a list of everything needed for baby coming up. Including things you have already bought. Then tick off what you have bought already, and what others will get. Then the remaining he can see exactly what is needed, and needs to help source it second hand or look into buying from places with good prices and buy at least half or give you half.

Going forward you need to get him to buy half the stuff, or add extra everything month into your account. If you think it will be say £200 per month towards clothes as they grow, food, nappies, entrance to groups etc then he pays an extra £100 for now.

So he pays £425 for the rent and £425 for bills? That seems reasonable to me but he should be paying for baby stuff too

Not sure if this helps, but this is how we manage our situation.
My husband has a daughter from previous relationship. We are currently expecting our first baby together.
His daughter spends roughly half the time with us. He doesn't pay anything to her mother, however when they split up he left her with a savings account which he had contributed to way more than her.
When it comes to buying essential things like clothes, shoes and food for his daughter, it all comes out of our joint account. Things like birthday or Christmas presents for her he pays for himself.
As for shopping for our new baby, my parents bought us the travel system and a lot of clothes, but everything else is paid for from our joint account.
My husband earns about 25% more than me, but we put similar amounts into the joint account each month; this covers our mortgage, bills, food, fuel and leaves a little bit for"extras", such as baby stuff.
There are things that we pay for separately, e.g. my husband is paying off a loan he had taken before we even met, so he doesn't ask me to contribute to that. In turn, I pay for the insurance and food for my two cats.

It sounds like you're not entirely comfortable with your arrangement. I get that your OH doesn't feel financially responsible for your two kids, but this new baby is his responsibility and you have every right to expect him to cover at least half of the expenses (not just baby stuff but your maternity stuff too). He puts half his wages into your account, what does he do with the rest?

Per month...CT alone is £158, water around £50, utilities £70, phone £30, TV lic around £20. Think that is it for bills?

Then there is food on top of that and I buy the vast majority. I've also purchased nearly all things for baby. I think he's bought a sleepsuit and two vests so far.

I always think it's a little strange when a couple who are in it for the long haul, particularly if having children, are discussing how to split costs and worrying about who bought what.

If your other half is spending his money on going down the pub every night or has some really expensive hobbies then there's certainly a conversation about that but at the end of the day you're essentially 1 family. The only bit that might differ is that he may not want to contribute to someone else's kids expenses which is fine.

Between me and my partner, I earn £150k and he earns £25k. He pays a token monthly amount to me (because if we weren't together he'd have to pay to live somewhere) but apart from that, I do all the spending on travel, clothes etc and he will pay for the odd dinner out or cinema or just whatever. It's never a discussion though and is generally just whoever is closest to the till or has the credit card handy.

Maybe I'm more of the minority but I just think it should really make a difference. If we went halves on everything, I'd end up with a tonne of money and would have to do things that cost a lot of money on my own - or buy myself expensive things while he shopped at Primark.

Anyway...just my opinion :-)

@Bookworm83 Good question. He is paying off a debt he got into years ago with a previous gf, citing "nearly all adults have debt of some sort and I'm unusual in that I don't". I guess he buys diesel although he does get this back if it's for work purposes. However, I know his parents often allow him to use theit credit card for fuel.

@ApplePie86 Totally agree, but you are by far the higher earner. OH is the higher earner (agreed not by much) in our relationship and I worry about things when I'm on SMP. I am looking into working evenings if I can to get enough money to get by as not going to be able to manage like this on £600 pm.

I would give him a list of stuff to buy and see how he reacts to that. At least you'll find out if he's a complete tightwad and unreasonable or if he's simply just not that that the money side of things was that important.

@ApplePie86 He just wouldn't buy it, he'd say a monitor was not an "essential". We've still got our clothes on rails despite his parents giving him £1000 almost a year ago for wardrobes!!!

£328 for bills and £800 for rent so his share is £564 and he gives you £850. So that's £261 for his share of food. Seems fair to me.

@25littleduckeggblue I get that but what about bits for the baby? Also, I used to get around £100 pw in CTC for the boys before OH moved in. But nothing now as quite rightly CTC people say this goes as they see partner as stepparent.

Your partner is essentially paying the £850 rent and you are paying £360 in bills plus food. For two adults and two kids (50% of the time) your food bill shouldn't be more than £60 a week so your outgoings are £600 and his are £850. Sounds like a fair arrangement for living expenses considering he earns more than you.

For baby, have you actually had a discussion with him about what needs buying? Yes he should also be buying what you need but he should make the purchases rather than give you more money each month. Make a list and give it to him.
When baby arrives your monthly outgoings will go up. Nappies, wipes, formula (if using) which you should share the cost of.

@pollysproggle Thanks, I've said I'll leave the monitor up to him, pretty much got most of the clothes and now just need her bedding.

Definitely won't need formula or bottles/steriliser etc as I'll be breastfeeding so luckily money will be saved there.

Just don't know how I'm going to manage when my pay drops to £600 p/m!

Will try my hardest to get employment of some description in the evenings which should help.

I know I'll need to return to work after the nine months but childcare costs will need weighing up as neither of our wages are great.

It sounds like you really need to have a chat with him about finance going forward as when you're on maternity leave he'll have to contribute more, obviously.

@ApplePie86 am the same my partner doesn’t earn as near as much as me, we live above one of my pubs so don’t have rent but we don’t really split. I pay like the sky and insurance and paid for the baby’s nursery to get painted and electric
But it’s whoever is at the till pays for shopping. If we go out it’s drink for drink etc.

Everyone is different thou and it’s whatever works for you both. Just don’t let money becomes a recurring argument. Xxx

Same here. I'm on 90K, my partner is on 40. He pays me no rent and I cover all the Bills. He buys food and saves for mortgage deposit. We haven't bought anything for baby yet, but it does not even cross my mind who is paying for it. No clue who pays for stuff when we go out.

We are a family and we earn 130K a year. That's how I see it and for me no matter how much each of us contributes, we still own 50/50.

Yes, one might say that with this income we do not need to worry about who pays, but the reality is different, because there are people who should make a huge fuss about contribution to avoid feeling exploited.

In your position, I would feel also resentful that he would not want to help financially with my other two children. You 3 come as a package and I would not like somebody who considers that as being 'my problem'.

Honestly, have a conversation about money. And tell him to buy stuff.

@lalla525 I totally agree with your comments. We earn about one quarter of your yearly income (both working ft we come out with around just over £31k) and so have to budget carefully.

People on here have suggested that as the two boys are biologically just mine then my fiancé should not be expected to contribute but that is not how the Tax Credit people see it!! When fiancé moved in that meant losing around £480 pm in Child Tax Credits, CT bill rose significantly, other bills of course all went up etc.

Bear in mind also that as custody is also (court enforced) 50:50, my ex-husband contributes zero pounds and zero pence despite his earnings being well in excess of £105k pa. I only receive CB for one son.

We very rarely go out as a couple as obviously socialising has to be at the bottom of our priority list. I also don't have luxuries such as haircuts but I'm not complaining; it was our choice to try for a baby together and I totally understand that in our financial position that would mean sacrifices.

I guess I just feel that sometimes I'm left with the burden of finances on my shoulders if that makes sense?

I'm not asking for much at all, but I've been hanging my clothes on a rail for six years now since I left my ex and a wardrobe would be nice! Especially as in-laws very kindly gifted us £1000 to spend on furniture almost one year ago!!

Sometimes I just feel that if I don't' buy it, it just won't get bought. Like I said before, I absolutely don't expect nice things or a life of luxury but there are certain things that are kind of necessary.

Where did the 1k go?

Was none of this discussed before the pregnancy? I guess you couldn't guess he wouldn't pay for baby stuff but if he has £1000 for a wardrobe and hasn't bought it after a year you must know he's stingy? Has that money never been brought up again?
Before you buy things for the baby do you discuss it first? Or do you just go out and get what is needed/wanted and then get the hump because he hasn't bought anything? A monitor isn't massively expensive, I've seen some people use security cameras that are hooked up to their phones, or you could get a cheap second hand just noise one for about a fiver. I think mine cost £2 in a charity shop. If this is his first baby maybe he doesn't realise how much is needed in the beginning? Once my baby was here she's cheap as chips, every few months I go out and buy some more baby grows and possibly some outfits as she's a bit older now, but as a newborn especially when breastfeeding all I really paid for was new dummies when she lost them and infacol/dentinox, however whilst pregnant I had to get a Moses basket, cot, monitors (I could have got them later but like I said it was a cheap one), bedding, clothes (most second hand, spent about £200 on clothes and some of the outfits she still doesn't fit in as I bought bigger sizes in the nicer stuff to make sure she could wear it), a bouncy chair, car seat, pram, steriliser, a few bottles, a breast pump, a changing bag, changing mats and a baby bath. I never realised such a tiny thing could need so much, and wish I'd got reusable nappies and wipes earlier as I must have spent a fortune in the first four months buying disposables.
I think the split of bills is fair, as a pp said you contribute to utilities, he pays rent. He's the higher earner so I do think he should put more into the pot, and I agree with you that you shouldn't be paying 3/4 of the food bill and he pays 1/4 just because your older children aren't his, like you say you'd be getting a lot of help if you were still a single parent and he knew you had children when he moved in. My partner and I do the food shop by whoever has the money in their account or whoever gets to the machine first, it's often his card but hes the higher earner so he's the one who normally has the money.

it was our choice to try for a baby together and I totally understand that in our financial position that would mean sacrifices.

But you didnt understand what it meant, hence this post.

If you're using super glue to hold your boots together and cant afford a wardrobe then a baby was the last thing you need.

What did you think was going to happen?

Engaged to be married but no idea of how to split finances.

He pays all the rent of £850 and you then just need to cover bills and food. He is giving you half his salary a month and that is going to house 2 children half of the time that aren't even his.

How much would you want him to give you?

I found i got lumped with buying all xmas presents, birthdays, clothes etc and i had nothing left and we werent saving anything so i sorted a joint account that both the wages go in to and all the bills come out of and we have our own current accounts that we transfer 400 each into and we have that for petrol, our own purchases etc and then i take the savings out on pay day aswell. Worked really well for us.

@DearGod1
Not everyone in the world is lucky enough to be well-off! We both work ft both supporting the most vulnerable in society and not on any benefits so, with respect, it's our choice to have a baby together (fiancé's only child).

Yes sacrifices have to be made, but I still think it shouldn't be left to me (on a lower wage than him and with two children) to buy everything for our baby.

And as a previous poster said, does the fact that the boys are not biologically his mean he doesn't have to factor them in and, as you put it, help to "house them half of the time?" He chose to get into a relationship with me knowing we came as a package, he always had the option to find a childless lady had he wished (and possibly a wealthy one at that!)

I made it clear to him before we moved in together my financial situation and he was aware all tax credits would go for a start. He was also aware that because I have the boys half of the time, I get nothing from ex. Sadly this doesn't mean I can buy half a washing machine or only pay my landlord rent half of the time!!

I could understand a bit more what you were saying if it was just him working and not me, but that is not the case.

Even if it was just me, him and the baby we'd still need a house, the baby would still needs things, and we'd have bills to pay.

It does does sound as though he's giving his fair share towards the household expenses but if you are walking around in shoes that are glued together then obviously there is a problem. Sit down and discuss it, is he aware you're doing this? Tell him you've brought x,y and z for the baby but you'd like him to buy the rest because a) it's his baby and would be nice if he had involvement in buying some things and b) you cannot afford to buy anything else. I would also suggest buying wardrobes in order to organise before the baby to see whether he still has the 1k or if he's saving it for himself. You might find it helpful to set up a bills account and come to an agreement about how much personal money you'll be left with, factoring in that you have expenses surfing your older DC. Anything baby related comes from the joint account then.

Well off is a matter of opinion

Combined the two of you have almost £3k a month. £1k from you and £1.7k from him.

Rent only £850 out of that.

If you go through this site almost £3k per month is richness beyond many peoples imaginations

You say you lost £500 in tax credits. So before you had £1k salary & £500 TC. Now you've got £1k salary and £850 from fiance which means you're better off than before.

To add to my previous comment. I think the 1k gor wardrobes are more important than we think. Where are they? Why were they not spent for the purpose they were gifted? Are his clothes on a rail? I might be burnt by my precious experience but my ex partner (both on equal salary) would not want to spend 'his' 1k (from his parents so part of his future wealth) for 'our' wardrobes. I detest people like that.

Also, a lot of posts here claim he is giving his 'fair share'. What the hell does that even mean? They are a family. There is no 'family share' vs 'personal share'. There are family money and out of that pot everything need to come. What does he do with his remaining salary? While OP glues her shoes and finishes her salary?

Sorry but this mentality of mine vs yours when you share a house, a family and a baby on the way does really not sit well with me. You are a team and the team has that amount of money to face various expenses. The team decides together how money get spent and how to prioritise stuff. I dont like he approach "I give you 850, now it's your problem how to budget. Rest I'll keep and buy myself shoes".

Please OP, talk to him and try to put this in a more collaborative fashion. It's a change in mentality that is needed here, forcing him to buy the one monitor wont do it for the long run