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Original poster

BSD does not want to keep baby

48 replies

Redvelvet96 · 06/02/2020 19:12

Hey guys,

Tldr : BSD does not want the baby and I am conflicted

New to mumsnet and need a bit of advice/opinions. I have asked friends/family and keep being told its my choice and they don't want to sway me. I hope I know myself well enough not to be influenced by others.

For a bit of back ground I am currently about 6/7 weeks pregnant. The BSD is a man I used to work with and have been seeing for about 4/5 months. He is ten years older, is married and has 1 child. I know how it sounds and it's not something I ever thought I would do but I genuinely care about him as a person and when he showed feelings it threw me off kilter. We were planning on cooling things off before I got the news. He has been in this situation before and his wife took him back.

Currently he has said that he doesn't want me to keep it. He has been quite abrupt about my situation, as in I would be single in a one bed flat. However I have a full-time job that is very supportive to expectant mothers and I have a very supportive family that will be able to help with childcare arrangements etc.

If the pregnancy was with anyone else I would not hesitate to keep the baby. However due to the BSDs situation it has really confused me. I know that he would be 100% supportive of the baby but he would tell his wife. It's not something he can keep from her. Understandably, it's a horrible situation for him to be in, as it is unlikely to go down well.

Initially I wasn't intending to go through with the pregnancy and I have a termination consultation scheduled at the hospital next week. However the past week or so I have had so many changes happening and I find that I'm excited about the pregnancy and I've been fantasizing about having a medicinal reason that would prevent me being able to have a termination so that the BSD couldn't resent me for keeping the baby.

I have already told him that I don't expect anything of him and he doesn't have to be involved, he can essentially pretend we don't exist.

When I have mentioned potentially not being 100% comfortable he is quite pushy about going through with the termination.

If I go through with this I don't know how I would approach him. He apparently has a history of anger bordering on violence.

All in all I am very confused. I know I would be able to provide for a baby and am happy to be a single mum however, it would destroy his life and I don't know how I would be able to approach him. Despite the fact he wouldn't have to tell his wife.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, please don't judge, this is a hard situation to be in and a hard decision to make.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 06/02/2020 19:15

Bsd never come across this on mn, what does it mean?

HeddaGarbled · 06/02/2020 19:17

He deserves to have his life destroyed, the cheating bastard.

GaaaaarlicBread · 06/02/2020 19:17

What does BsD mean ?

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 06/02/2020 19:19

Block him, get on with your life. You don’t owe him anything. Make the decision about the baby for YOU not him. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Oddgirlout · 06/02/2020 19:20

What is BSD?

mossberry · 06/02/2020 19:20

I think the SD stands for sperm doner?

OP, it's really important that you do what is right for you. Pressuring someone into a termination is despicable.

AMomHasNoName · 06/02/2020 19:20

Would you honestly be able to stay with this man if he forced you to terminate your Baby? It sounds as if you would like to keep your child. Stop worrying about this awful man and concentrate on what you want. Maybe take some time to think away from him. Best of luck x

Belle89 · 06/02/2020 19:21

Babys sperm donor i think??

PatellarTendonitis · 06/02/2020 19:21

What is BSD?

Poppinjay · 06/02/2020 19:22

No woman should ever feel forced to terminate a pregnancy to avoid the father becoming angry or violent towards her.

You need to get this man out of your life and carry on with the pregnancy if that is what you want.

Don't terminate to please someone else.

notapizzaeater · 06/02/2020 19:23

It's your decision and yours alone, do what's right for you

swimmingpoolshower · 06/02/2020 19:24

I am the product of an affair, my mum was a young 25 year old, he was a married man with a six year old. I'm so so glad she kept me and I had a fantastic life with no input from my bio dad. We have contact now but aren't close.
Go for it if you want a baby. Don't doubt your ability to be a fantastic mum without a man who clearly doesn't deserve you!

OopsPregnantAgain · 06/02/2020 19:25

How old are you?

Frenchw1fe · 06/02/2020 19:25

Assume it's either bastard sperm donor or biological sperm donor.

As pp says block him. Live your life.

Jojowash · 06/02/2020 19:31

Didn't she say he's at her work? Can't really block that bit. Just ignore him completely, he's said what he would prefer, you've considered it. What he does is up to him, not your business. If you terminate against your will you will be haunted by it, seriously you'll make yourself feel awful.

Single mums do fine x go for it x don't worry about reaction.. if you haven't messaged him does he contact you? Is he trying to get hold of you. Then block him and ignore him at work. If he's not contacting you don't contact him to tell him anything

CalleighDoodle · 06/02/2020 19:34

How old are you? He is a serial cheat and saw that you had feelings for him and used them to his advantage. He is a shit.

Do not engage further. Have the baby if you want. But fgs seek maintenance as that is your baby’s money, not yours.

ChateauMyself · 06/02/2020 19:35

Why the fuck are you feeling sorry for him?

He’s a married serial shagger who’s ‘dodged the bullet’ before.

You are one in a long line of sex on the side.

The only person you should consider is you.

morrisseysquif · 06/02/2020 19:35

I know I would be able to provide for a baby and am happy to be a single mum however, it would destroy his life

Really, just don't factor him in - have the baby, be happy. Fuck him, he sounds like a nasty piece of work and he'd certainly fuck you over given the chance.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/02/2020 19:40

You shouldn't have an abortion fro any man, but especially not one who regularly cheats on his wife, doesn't care about you and is just worried about his comfy marriage imploding.

You are excited for this baby, have family support and can manage financially alone. Sounds to me like decision is made.

Cancel the hospital appt.
Text him to say you are continuing the pregnancy but you'll leave it to him as to whom he tells.
Put in a claim for CSA

Hellbentwellwent · 06/02/2020 19:42

Who gives a flying fuck what he wants or cares about. He’s a grown adult who’s been here before, chose to repeat the same pattern of behaviour and lo and behold he’s had the same outcome... feel sorry for him? Like fuck.

Do what suits you, what works for you and don’t feel an ounce of guilt for his sake.

Put him on the birth certificate and get child maintenance for your child. He’s fathered a child and needs to accept the responsibilities. It’s a shame for his wife, it’s a shame for the child that’ll grown up with a absentee father, but you’ll have to suck it up being a single parent as you made the choices that led you here too, as did he.

Jomarchsburntskirt · 06/02/2020 19:43

What precautions were you taking if any to ensure you didn’t get pregnant.

Valkarie · 06/02/2020 19:48

He was happy to deceive his wife when he was just having an affair, but would have to mention a baby? Sounds like just another tactic to make you have a termination to me, so he can say it is all your fault if they split up.

Do not have a termination unless that is what you want and it is right for you. It sounds like you want this baby so go for it. 1 bedroom flat is fine, I haven't managed to get my 5 year old to agree to sleep in their own room yet! You can always look to go to 2 bedrooms further down the line, babies don't need all the crap the adverts say they do.

airbags · 06/02/2020 19:51

"What precautions were you taking if any to ensure you didn’t get pregnant."

What's that got to do with anything?!!! Besides, no contraceptive is 100%.

Do not terminate based on him being angry - his marriage is not your problem. If you think you can support yourself and the baby and you don't want to terminate, then go for it. Think of you no.1.

Original poster
Redvelvet96 · 06/02/2020 19:58

@AMomHasNoName -I wouldn't stay with him, we were planning on cooling things off anyway as I knew we couldn't go anywhere romantically.

@OopsPregnantAgain @CalleighDoodle - 23

@Jojowash - He does message me, he keeps asking if he can come to appointments etc. I have told him no.

@Jomarchsburntskirt - I was on the pill, I was ill around Christmas though

OP posts:
Maduixa · 06/02/2020 20:00

I hope I know myself well enough not to be influenced by others.

Include him in the "others" you won't be influenced by. His opinion matters, but you've heard it - now take some time to really understand how you feel. I can't tell if you're still in a relationship with this person or if you've ended it - but either way, block him for a period of time if you have to.

Initially I wasn't intending to go through with the pregnancy and I have a termination consultation scheduled at the hospital next week.

It may not be a bad idea to go for the consultation anyway. A big part of the reason for these is to make sure someone isn't being coerced/forced to terminate and is aware of the range of choices and support available. They may be able to refer you to a counselor if you want to talk through your feelings with someone objective/not personally involved.

It seems pretty clear to me that you want this baby and can look after the child on your own if necessary (not saying you SHOULD have to do that). It won't ruin BSD's life, just complicate it a little bit - but this situation is nothing that could not have been reasonably predicted at the start of the relationship/affair.

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