BSD does not want to keep baby

[Redvelvet96]

Hey guys,

Tldr : BSD does not want the baby and I am conflicted

New to mumsnet and need a bit of advice/opinions. I have asked friends/family and keep being told its my choice and they don't want to sway me. I hope I know myself well enough not to be influenced by others.

For a bit of back ground I am currently about 6/7 weeks pregnant. The BSD is a man I used to work with and have been seeing for about 4/5 months. He is ten years older, is married and has 1 child. I know how it sounds and it's not something I ever thought I would do but I genuinely care about him as a person and when he showed feelings it threw me off kilter. We were planning on cooling things off before I got the news. He has been in this situation before and his wife took him back.

Currently he has said that he doesn't want me to keep it. He has been quite abrupt about my situation, as in I would be single in a one bed flat. However I have a full-time job that is very supportive to expectant mothers and I have a very supportive family that will be able to help with childcare arrangements etc.

If the pregnancy was with anyone else I would not hesitate to keep the baby. However due to the BSDs situation it has really confused me. I know that he would be 100% supportive of the baby but he would tell his wife. It's not something he can keep from her. Understandably, it's a horrible situation for him to be in, as it is unlikely to go down well.

Initially I wasn't intending to go through with the pregnancy and I have a termination consultation scheduled at the hospital next week. However the past week or so I have had so many changes happening and I find that I'm excited about the pregnancy and I've been fantasizing about having a medicinal reason that would prevent me being able to have a termination so that the BSD couldn't resent me for keeping the baby.

I have already told him that I don't expect anything of him and he doesn't have to be involved, he can essentially pretend we don't exist.

When I have mentioned potentially not being 100% comfortable he is quite pushy about going through with the termination.

If I go through with this I don't know how I would approach him. He apparently has a history of anger bordering on violence.

All in all I am very confused. I know I would be able to provide for a baby and am happy to be a single mum however, it would destroy his life and I don't know how I would be able to approach him. Despite the fact he wouldn't have to tell his wife.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, please don't judge, this is a hard situation to be in and a hard decision to make.

Can you block him on your personal phone

Personally, at 23 I would abort it and get on with enjoying the rest of my 20s! You've got plenty of time to meet an amazing (single!) man who wants to have a baby with you!

Going against the grain here, but I would not want to have a child with a serial cheater at my workplace who has the potential to make my life very difficult because I had made his life and marriage even more rocky by letting him impregnate me.
He could be in your life for decades if you go ahead. Do you want this?
Unless you are 45 and this is your last chance, then I really would think twice about carrying on.
Sorry. You did ask.
It's a hell of a choice to make. Even though you don't want a romantic relationship, you may well end up with some kind of (possibly bad) relationship / link just because you have a DC together. There was someone on here recently in an abusive relationship and she decided to terminate to free herself from him completely. She was going to leave him anyway but did not want to have him have any link to her due to the baby.
Think very hard.
Can they talk you through this at the appointment?

Yes, agree with that. You’ve been taken in by a shitty man. Don’t let it ruin your life.

OP does he have an Irish name and a Midlands accent? If so my friend that soldier- the person who meant he’s “been in this situation before” and you need to not be linked to him for the rest of your life. Oh and his wife is mad. And even if we don’t know the same bastard, you’re sounds equally bad. I would terminate because you just don’t need a link with him.

You're only 23. You have many years to have a baby in much better circumstances.

The father sounds awful and this will make him part of your life forever.

Why on Earth do you want to be linked for life to some married man who's a serial cheater when you're only 23? There's so much more to life than this.

@AllTheWhoresOfMalta - busting to see if this is the same man

Unless you have strong religious reasons not to I would seriously consider termination.
You have decades to have a baby in a more supportive relationship.

@TripleSeptic if it is I will be furious. Although I suppose If it is at least it means there’s only one of him walking around. He declared undying love to my best friend despite being considerably older than her, neglected to mention the wife at first and then dumped my friend when she accidentally fell pregnant. And then he and his wife tried to organise an abortion for her- literally booked the appointment and said they’d pay for it. His wife was twice as mad as he was in the end. My friend did abort, but on her own terms and not with the father and his bloody wife hovering in the waiting room of Marie Stopes (which is what the wife wanted to do so they’d “know it had been done”).

There are some shocking humans out there.

I would end the pregnancy and focus on your future. Hopefully, you have learned to make better choices.

I would be reconsidering the pregnancy, you will be tied to this man via your DC for the rest of your life.

BSD,? Oh, you mean the father.
Aside from that, he’s a shithead.

www-telegraph-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/cant-forgive-partner-pushing-having-termination/amp/?amp_js_v=a2&amp_gsa=1&usqp=mq331AQCKAE%3D#aoh=15810208444967&csi=1&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.telegraph.co.uk%2Fwomen%2Flife%2Fcant-forgive-partner-pushing-having-termination%2F

Choose the baby not the man. You'll never forgive yourself or him otherwise.
Relationship with be over either way.
You'll be fine with baby

I think there’s a far happier situation for you to raise a child in in your future OP. One where the father loves you and wants to raise his child with you in a loving family.

OP, can you please tell us what BSD means?

Don't be pushed into a termination you don't want. And for the future, consider that married men who have affairs may not actually be very nice people.

Don't let a man pressure you into a termination. As others have said, it is despicable.

Don't let anyone else here on MN pressure you into having a termination either. They are not the ones who will have to live with the decision.

If you want this baby then you have it. I know several people who had babies when they were in their early twenties and single. They are happy and their kids are all happy and well cared for.

Side note, but as someone pregnant with a donor-conceived child I do hope BSD isn't intended as some variant on 'sperm donor'. A sperm donor is someone who has made a thoughtful and considered decision to give life to a child in circumstances where that would otherwise not be possible. That is not what's happening here.

I wouldn't want to keep the child in your circumstances.
Cut all ties with him and don't ever fall for this carp again.

I think there’s a far happier situation for you to raise a child in in your future OP. One where the father loves you and wants to raise his child with you in a loving family.

Well said @JuanSheetIsPlenty

@Redvelvet96

Good girl, keep him away now. He’s made his feelings clear. He’ll have to deal with his own wife now or simply not tell her. See how you feel, it’s a massive decision and you can’t take it back. Don’t pander to him either. Ignore him from now on