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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Family at the birth.

50 replies

Turtleglasses · 26/01/2020 20:08

My partner has asked that I tell my family not to visit us in hospital after the birth also to wait at least a week until they visit whilst she heals and feels better after the upcoming c-section.

My mother has asked me on the day our daughter is born if she can come to the hospital and see her very first grandchild. I have said yes as I don’t see any problem with it but my partner has strongly advised against it and also stated she would not allow it.

She has a son with a previous partner and her parents attended the hospital after the birth, her parents also have 6 grandchildren and have said they are fine with waiting.

As it is my parents first grandchild I wanted to be able to offer them that experience but my partner is saying I am “low” and not taking her thoughts and feeling into consideration. I feel bad about the whole thing as I will be there to support my partner but I wanted to share that moment.

As a side note my mum asked if she could visit for 1 hour on the day of the birth and she will not overstay her welcome.

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justranout · 26/01/2020 20:11

The person having major abdominal surgery gets to decide whether they're up for a family visit.

Have you had major abdominal surgery? I was bleeding everywhere and after having my intestines taken out and put on a tray next to me was not in the mood for visitors.

Bit concerning you can't see it from her point of view to be honest.

coffeeaddiction · 26/01/2020 20:11

It really is up to your partner , after having a baby ( which ever way ) you feel like you've been hit by a bus !
I absolutely wanted no visitors after a traumatic birth and that was the correct decision for me , you need to be supportive of her now your going to be your own family unit .

user163578742 · 26/01/2020 20:16

I have said yes as I don’t see any problem with it

Other than your partner specifically telling you she doesn't want them visiting when she's recovering from major surgery?

It's not bloody up to you. You have been told no.

I hope this is a reverse. If not, I suggest you stop being a selfish prick and start being a decent partner.

Bibby26 · 26/01/2020 20:17

My own mother would respect any wish I had about visitors and wouldn’t be bothered either way - this will be her first grandchild. I would therefore certainly expect my MIL to!

I would not appreciate visitors the day I had major surgery as I would be feeling very vulnerable, you need to really support your partner in her decisions

3rdchristmaslucky · 26/01/2020 20:20

Oh Man. No.

I'm pregnant now with my second child (first from a previous partner). And I've recently had this same talk with my current partner.

Trust your OH to know how she's going to be feeling. This is both of your baby but it's her who's doing the work, it's her who's going to be feeling like utter crap and it's her decision.

If she was so inclined, she could refuse you rights to visit and the hospital would implement it.

You need to go back to your mother and politely tell her that she will get photos and videos but until the woman having herself cut open and sewn back up is in the mood for visitors, there will be a wait for the meet and greet.

AnotherEmma · 26/01/2020 20:20

"I have said yes as I don’t see any problem with it but my partner has strongly advised against it and also stated she would not allow it."

YABVVVVVU

When you grow a baby inside your body and have major surgery to get the baby out, you can invite your mummy to watch the whole damn thing if you want.

Until then, respect your partner's wishes FFS.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 26/01/2020 20:20

Your loyalty is to your partner. She will never forgive you if you don’t support her in this.

PleaseGiveMeAShake · 26/01/2020 20:20

Your partner will have just had a major operation. She will have a cathater in for 24 after surgery and will feel like she has been hit by a bus.
You mother wants the experience of seeing her first grandchild on the day.
You want your mum to have that experience.
What about what you partner wants, considering it is her who is the patient.
Your partner is not a fancy walking incubator, she has feelings and needs too.

I am due a c section in 2 days and my dp has supported me that people will see our child when I am home and do not have my urine in a bag attached to my leg.

If you force her into a situation she is uncomfortable with, she will learn to resent to.

Amys136 · 26/01/2020 20:20

The day of the birth she’ll probably still have a catheter in, be bleeding heavily and feel like she’s been hit by a bus. She may be struggling to establish breastfeeding.

Tell your mum to stick to the one week rule then if your partner feels up to it sooner then great.

PleaseGiveMeAShake · 26/01/2020 20:21

*resent you not to sorry.

firstimemamma · 26/01/2020 20:23

Respect your partner's decision and tell your mum she can't come.

Kanga83 · 26/01/2020 20:25

The one being cut open, having a baby pulled out, stitched up, dealing with cannulas, pressure stockings, pain and an inability to move all whilst trying to comfort and feed a baby gets to decide. I've had two c-sections. First one my in laws turned up - they were promptly told to get out. Second I didn't even tell anyone I'd had my baby for two days as I felt rough. Respect your partners wishes. Her welfare trumps the need over your mothers wish to hold the baby. A few days won't matter and your partner will feel much better for it.

NannaNoodleman · 26/01/2020 20:25

It's not really about how many grandchildren each set of grandparents has or about the grandparents desires/wants.

Can you imagine bleeding from your genitals, with a catheter, a surgical wound, feeling nackered, with a tiny human that's just been pulled from your abdomen ... and have your mother in law impose herself on you.

Whynosnowyet · 26/01/2020 20:27

Have you not realised your dw is your priority here?
Support her or I fear she won't forget it in a hurry..
Not the best start to the team effort of parenting..

StylishMummy · 26/01/2020 20:29

She's bleeding, in pain, wrangling a newborn and wants some peace and dignity. You want to show off. Who wins?

A week is all she's asking for, you absolutely have to respect her wishes or it could permanently tar her memories and your relationship. May also contribute to PND if she doesn't feel she has your support

Persipan · 26/01/2020 20:29

Dude. She's going to have surgery. She's going to have surgery after a period of time during which she's already got more and more uncomfortable being more and more stuffed full of baby. And then after she's had surgery, she won't get to recover from it in a neutral situation; there'll be the baby to take care of, plus the massive hormone bomb of the post-birth period. She gets to decide who she wants to visit, when, and how.

Fleamaker123 · 26/01/2020 20:30

You have to respect your partner's wishes. And support her decision... I think that's the only way to go with this. If she doesn't want visitors, then so be it. She will know what she needs, and I think that's all part of the recovery process too. Please listen to what she's telling you...

Twooter · 26/01/2020 20:31

I think a weeks wait isveryharsh on the mil. I can understand waiting until the next day for a visit , but unless she has form for being unpleasant then I think to ask a wait is abut controllinv of your partner.

YakkityYakYakYak · 26/01/2020 20:32

There may be some way to compromise on the no visit for the first week, so do think it’s a little much to not allow your mum to visit her first grandchild for a whole week.

But you need to respect your partners wishes about the hospital. She will be recovering from major surgery, probably trying to get to grips with breastfeeding, and want to spend some time with her baby before everyone else descends.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 26/01/2020 20:33

You and your mum sound incredibly selfish. Absolutely no, respect and support your partner. Apologise for asking her more than once and show her she can count on you.

Also as a side note- visiting in the hospital for a whole hour on the day someone has had surgery is already too much.

MyCatScaresDogs · 26/01/2020 20:36

YABU. I have had two sections. The first was an EMCS in the morning after 50 hours of induction. I would have been able to cope with visitors that evening but was still bed-bound and catheterised.

The second was an afternoon ELCS. Very straightforward but my blood pressure plummeted and I felt as though I’d been hit by a train. No way could I have coped with visitors on the day - we were also only moved from recovery to the ward about an hour before the end of visiting hours and that time was, rightly, spent by DP and the midwife checking me and the baby over and making sure we were well and comfortable.

I would strongly advise that you don’t commit to any visitors on the day and you be guided by your DP as to when she feels comfortable allowing visitors. The only visitors we had in the first week were my parents, who were helping out with our older child rather than “visiting” per se.

NataliaOsipova · 26/01/2020 20:38

*When you grow a baby inside your body and have major surgery to get the baby out, you can invite your mummy to watch the whole damn thing if you want.

Until then, respect your partner's wishes FFS.*

This is it in a nutshell.....!

misspiggy19 · 26/01/2020 20:39

I assume her parents won’t be visiting either then??

Drum2018 · 26/01/2020 20:43

I'd have hit the roof if Dh told anyone they were allowed to come visit me after my c-sections if I'd said I didn't want visitors. The hospital environment is shit enough without having to entertain visitors while trying to get to grips with feeding, dealing with surgery pain, possibly constipation, etc. When your partner gets home I do think it sounds a bit unreasonable to refuse your mother a visit for a week. Then again it depends on whether your mother is the type to help out, get lunch or dinner ready, make tea, or will she expect to sit and be waited on. Needless to say if she expects to stay in your house you will be doing all the preparation for her stay - cooking, cleaning, changing beds etc and you'll be the one to entertain her while your OH gets much needed rest.

Your OH won't know how she'll feel till baby is born so be guided by her. If she's not up to visitors then do not push the issue.

Enoughisenoughhhhh · 26/01/2020 20:44

What makes you think you in any way get to decide? The entitlement is sickening. I hope your wife speaks directly to the hospital staff who will ensure that no unwanted visitors are allowed access.

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