Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Family at the birth.

50 replies

Turtleglasses · 26/01/2020 20:08

My partner has asked that I tell my family not to visit us in hospital after the birth also to wait at least a week until they visit whilst she heals and feels better after the upcoming c-section.

My mother has asked me on the day our daughter is born if she can come to the hospital and see her very first grandchild. I have said yes as I don’t see any problem with it but my partner has strongly advised against it and also stated she would not allow it.

She has a son with a previous partner and her parents attended the hospital after the birth, her parents also have 6 grandchildren and have said they are fine with waiting.

As it is my parents first grandchild I wanted to be able to offer them that experience but my partner is saying I am “low” and not taking her thoughts and feeling into consideration. I feel bad about the whole thing as I will be there to support my partner but I wanted to share that moment.

As a side note my mum asked if she could visit for 1 hour on the day of the birth and she will not overstay her welcome.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Lavendersblue88 · 26/01/2020 20:45

@misspiggy19 if I’d had abdominal surgery I would want to see my mum. I wouldn’t want to see my MIL. It isn’t always just about seeing the baby.

SonEtLumiere · 26/01/2020 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

legalseagull · 26/01/2020 20:46

Stop being so selfish! On the days of my CS I had a catheter in, blood all over my gown and bed and blood coming out of my vagina. I needed a blood transfusion too. It's MAJOR surgery. Would you want visitors after being cut in half? I think people forgot 6 layers of flesh and muscle are torn through to get the baby out. Fuck seeing my MIL. I love her dearly but I didn't want anyone, even my own mother seeing me. I just wanted to be with my husband and baby and not have to smack a smile on my face for visitors.

Engard · 26/01/2020 20:49

Woah no.
I didn't even have a c-section, but I still felt awkward having visitors whilst I lay there in a pool of my own blood.
It's not a great feeling and I would request kindly that you respect your partners wishes.

megletthesecond · 26/01/2020 20:51

Yabu.
She's having the surgery and the baby. She calls the shots. If she is more comfortable with her parents visiting in those first few days then that's what happens.

Bitter experience of having too many unsupportive visitors 13yrs on here.

Thesearmsofmine · 26/01/2020 20:53

I think you are both a bit unreasonable here. Having had 3 c sections(and been on the postnatal ward each time with many others) I can tell you that recovery can really vary. My plan would just wait and see, she might feel awful and need space or she might be eager to have people visit, you just don’t know how you are going to feel until that time comes. You need to speak to your mum and say that you can’t wait for her to meet her grandchild but before that happens mum and baby both need to be feeling up to it.

elliejjtiny · 26/01/2020 20:55

No way do you get to decide this. Do you realise what a c-section is like? How incredibly painful it will be afterwards?

PatellarTendonitis · 26/01/2020 20:57

Have you not realised your dw is your priority here?

No, never bother to marry, either, just go from 'partner' to 'partner' having kids.

WingingIt101 · 26/01/2020 21:28

YABU- as someone who is seven months pregnant, I have had a similar chat with my dh and his response was disappointment that I didn’t want to sign up to visitors the minute I’d slapped on a maternity pad, but ultimately supportive because he recognises that for any unknown amount of time I’ll be pushing a human out of my vagina, in pain and then likely experience an aftermath that neither of us will ever want to discuss again. As others have said, her wishes trump yours and your mummys- nobody is more important than her and the baby at that point, and I say that as an eternal people pleaser who has always done whatever everyone else wanted for fear of upsetting the Apple cart!!

As others have said, tell your mum kindly that it won’t be possible but reassure her that gps are top of the visitor list when you are ready, and then focus your energy on supporting your DP and her wishes.

Halloweenbabyy · 26/01/2020 21:37

I don’t want ANYONE other than my husband at hospital whilst i have our child.
I don’t give a shit what anyone wants or thinks their not welcome.
I think it’s just easier if people don’t come due to the person I am when I’m tired/fed up - by my own admission I’m not at all a decent human when I’m fed up, even I hate me when I’m fed up.

FirstTimeDS · 26/01/2020 21:42

This is so selfish it can't be real xD

SnoozyLou · 26/01/2020 22:02

Speaking as someone who had had a c section, hell no.

I was too busy throwing up afterwards, berating my partner for not having long enough nails to scratch me all over (reaction to the morphine and my arms still weren't working properly). He also helped take me to the ladies to change my sanitary towels as I was a wreck.

Am I painting a clearer picture now?

SnoozyLou · 26/01/2020 22:05

Also, sitting there with your boobs flipped out, trying to feed your baby like some cross-legged orangutan. I was embarrassed in front of nurses, I would have been mortified if someone I knew came along.

Roozy123 · 26/01/2020 22:07

She said no. So. That's that.

I'm pregnant with my 3rd and I don't want his mum up the hospital at all.
Tbh... I don't care if she wants to be there or not.

Think what your partner wants, while she's giving birth to your child that's all that matters is what she wants. Not who wants to visit and when they want to😶🙄
Focus on your partner. Don't put other people's wants before hers in this situation. Even your own

shutupsteph · 26/01/2020 22:19

Yeah, no.

Even if she wasn't having major surgery and was having a vaginal birth, if she says no it's no. You just get to sit and watch the miracle of childbirth, this poor woman has gone through 9 months of being an incubator, then had massive surgery where a tiny screaming human has been pulled from her body, she's bleeding, in pain you'll never experience, is extremely vulnerable, may be trying to establish breastfeeding and you're trying to push your MiL on her at that time because you 'don't see a problem with it'. How ridiculous and wrong of you.

Sorry dude, no uterus no opinion.

MrHaroldFry · 26/01/2020 22:22

Oh my goodness OP. You are not listening to the person you .should be listening to.
Having had an Emergency CSection, going into shock, being kept in recovery for hours before I actually got to a ward, (they couldn't stabilise me) not to mention the blood, catheter, pain, inability to properly move, hormones starting to crash and the major issue of having just delivered of new life... I think I can safely say you are active g appalling.
Do you know that for breast feeding, most mothers, milk will “come in” (increase in quantity and begin the change from colostrum to mature milk) between days 2 and 5. That takes a few days to get your head and body around.

It matters not one jot what your Mother thinks she wants or what you wish to share with her at that moment. Your mother, as a mother, should know better.

The birthing human gets what she needs! Full stop. No discussion. No argument.
You need to look closely at your mindset and ask yourself why you are evening thinking of doing the opposite to what your partner has asked of you.

strawberry2017 · 26/01/2020 22:23

You need to listen to your partner. This isn't about you, it's not about your mum it's about your DP having major abdominal surgery. Give her time to recover before you force visitors on her, and if she wants her mum you don't comment.
The difference between your mum and hers, is her mum is her safe place, the one who has offered her comfort from the day she entered the world. The one that will turn up and be concerned about her daughter first not the grandchild.
Your mum is not her safe place, your mum is not someone who has seen her through every vulnerable moment in her life. Your mum is there for the grandchild and you. At this point you are not priority and you won't be for a while.
If you don't support her you are a complete arse.

MamaGee09 · 26/01/2020 22:40

I think you need to respect her wishes for the first few days. As long as her parents don’t visit. However I do think a week to meet a new grandchild is ridiculous! I felt like shit after having my first and wanted to see my mum so couldn’t deprive my dh s mum or dad a visit either. They would have been gutted.

Your oh has to remember she will be a granny in the future and I’m sure would be heartbroken to be kept away from meeting her first grandchild

LauraPalmersBodybag · 26/01/2020 22:44

Are you for real? I’m hoping you’ve just not given this enough thought.

Chances are the op will be performed between 9am-12pm if it’s an elective. She’ll have been nil by mouth since the night before and tired as she’s been pregnant for the 9 months. Then she’ll have major surgery, which is mental experience btw, and after that handed a baby.

You’ll be in theatre for about an hour, then wheeled into recovery where she’ll be encouraged to have skin to skin contact and to bf if that’s her intention. The whole whole obs are being performed on both mother and baby.

Some time later that afternoon you’ll all go to a ward. As pp have said, she’ll likely be naked in a gown with an hours old infant on her chest. She’ll be numb from the waist down, coming off drugs from surgery (I was shaky and itchy for hours), bleeding heavily, catheterised, and unable to use her core muscles, so needing assistance for many minor tasks. And there will be a baby that will want to be held and fed which if bf is no mean feat.

No one other than staff and my dh saw me on the day of my two c-sections.

Look, you might want to see if there’s flexibility for your parents to visit in the days that follows, but the day of the op...no fucking way, unless your partner agrees.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 26/01/2020 22:50

This is so selfish it can't be real

Sadly I think it can be. There are frequently threads on here from women looking for help to deal with exactly this situation, featuring an overexcited or overbearing MIL and a spineless partner who hasn't yet grasped that part of becoming a father is learning that your partner and your child are your first priority from now on.

whiskersonkittenss · 26/01/2020 22:50

Im having a c section in 4 weeks and I've told my partner I do not want visitors on the day. He is ok with this as he realises it's a huge surgery and he is not a selfish nob.

Gentleness · 26/01/2020 22:58

One thing I realised long after it was relevant was that my DH could have taken the baby to say hello for 10mins without me ever having to see anyone. It wasn't an issue for me, so I realise I may be naive.

SnoozyLou · 27/01/2020 04:50

I would also just say that the ward I stayed on was exclusively for women who had c sections. 3 different couples came and went. Zero grandparents.

Jessie9323 · 27/01/2020 05:20

YABU.

Unless you are the one being sliced and diced then handed a baby you don't get to decide

loserssaywhat · 27/01/2020 06:11

Absolutely no way. I didn't have a section but I didn't want anyone visiting me in hospital. those that did I still hold a little resentment years later.
Visits can wait until the baby gets home.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread