Co-Sleeping good or bad?

[Ksmalls]

I need your help mums...

Throughout pregnancy my partner and I have had a different opinion about the baby sleeping in our bedroom in a next-to-me crib.
My midwife, and family members, friends and other mums have all told me this is encouraged and perhaps expected for the early weeks to months. For reasons such as safety, bonding and convenience especially for night feeds.

However my partner who is French has an extremely strong view that it is a bad thing and his reasons being that parent's need freedom to be a couple as before and he believes parent's will sleep better and therefore can cope better.

I am now 38w + 3 pregnant with my first and I just put the next-to-me crib up next to our bed and it caused quite a heated discussion and quite frankly has made me really upset.

I feel like just giving him what he wants so that we don't fight anymore because he even though he says he can accept my wishes he won't change his opinion.

Any advice on this topic would be really wonderful. Any French mums out there who can agree with this being a cultural thing?

I haven’t read the thread, sorry. But it will be easier for him if baby isn’t next to you, but not for you.

It’s safer for baby to be next to you and if you’re breastfeeding so much easier.

For the first four weeks you’ll be building your supply so it won’t be helpful for your boyfriend to feed and if you’re expressing you may aswell just feed.

4 months? Ouch. I would really be firm with what you want now, as has been said it seems like he wants to make sure he muscles in your bond (I think it's great that father's are as involved as possible, but both parents should be respectful of eachother and boundaries).

Even if you gave in to him and have the baby sleep in their own room, he would soon wise up and realise that’s just not practical at all for the first few months at least, you would both be constantly up and down, waking fully up because you’re getting out of bed etc. Also wave some sleep safety guidelines in his face.

4 months?! That's insane! And was massively unfair and irresponsible to his eldest child.

You barely know him then. You certainly cannot possibly know if he is safe, not abusive or controlling let alone a "good dad"

My advice? Get out now! At the very least go back to living separately.

Have you even properly met your dss mother? I dread to think what the story is there!

Honestly he needs to read the safety guidelines for sleeping and he also needs to read up on how breastfeeding is established. He needs to support and look after you while you establish supply and recover from birth. It's not some kind of tit-for-tat (I'll do this feed, you do the next) and nor is it a way of shunning the father. It's a natural process that requires lots of skin to skin and the mum responding to the baby's need to feed as and when. Is he annoyed he didn't get to carry and birth the child too?! It's just the way biology works and there's no point in him getting offended by it - that's ridiculous. It doesn't mean dad can't be involved - of course he can. He can wind, change, cuddle and play with the baby as much as he likes between feeds (and this will be great for you as you can then rest, eat, drink, shower etc). My dh has a lovely bond with both our boys and I breastfed ds1 for 18 months and ds2 is 3mo and ebf.

I think you also need to sit down and have some serious discussions over issues which are likely to crop up as parents - what are your stances on sleep training? Weaning? Childcare v a parent staying at home? Where will you have Christmas? How often do you anticipate seeing family? Being on the same page as parents is absolutely crucial.

I love having my baby next to me. She's 2 months now and I can't imagine her being in her own room, she's still so small!

It's also a safety thing so he needs to be put in his place.

Ok hang on ... let's not put 2 + 2 together and make a serial killer.
I appreciate your concern and advice and I will make sure I try to talk him through the safety guidelines again.
I'm not going to obsess over it. If he sulks about my decision, I'll let him. Last thing I want is lots of anxiety just before dday.
I have a very supportive family and midwife so I'm sure we'll get through this without drastic measures

You underestimate a controlling man at your and possibly your baby's peril - that is not an over reaction, you hardly know this guy.

If I were your mother I'd be so worried about you JUST from getting pregnant so soon in the relationship let alone all the other stuff.

OP your posts about the previous birth, his reactions, his thoughts about couple time and fathers rights and the fact you have known him less than a year all add up to some huge red flags that you ignore at your peril and I would say impact on bonding with your child
Serial killers are rare. Sadly controlling men are not

It depends how much sleep you want to get. French parents are generally brilliant at getting their babies to sleep through the night quickly. I would listen to your husband!

I live in France and the advice from midwives here is the same as in the UK, to have baby sleeping in same room as you for first 6 months.

French parents are generally brilliant at getting their babies to sleep through the night quickly. I would listen to your husband!

Yep, let's all listen to him because simply being French means that he knows far more than the many experts worldwide (including in France) that recommend that the baby sleeps with the parents for at least the first 6 months to avoid death. As long as the parents get a bit of kip, who cares if the poor baby is at risk of dying, eh?

The amount of times I nodded off breastfeeding my baby in the middle of the night is untrue. Always woke with a start in a second, and I was lying in bed anyway, so he wasn't going anywhere, but standing up in a nursery to feed is a complete nonstarter IMO for this reason. It releases hormones when you breastfeed that make you both sleepy. Add to that the fact you're likely to be knackered anyway and it isn't a good mix.

Our little boy started sleeping through very early and I do attribute that to having his crib next to me.

Obviously baby needs the be in with you for at least 6 months but sounds like he might have issues with you breastfeeding? Whilst this may be cultural (I think France does have very low b/f rates) you will have to watch that he doesn’t try to undermine your efforts and the b/feeding relationship with your baby. If you don’t have a supportive partner it will be extra hard in the early days! If his only experience of a newborn is bottle feeding it will be very different. Please remember he doesn’t know best here, even if he thinks he does. I would 100% find your local breastfeeding support group because I’m not convinced you can count on him on this issue. Also I’ve never met a breastfeeding mum that hasn’t ended up co sleeping (as in baby in bed with them) at some point in the early weeks. He will need to be prepared for that and to possibly de camp to the sofa or spare room!

I don't actually read anything sinister in what he's saying btw, just a bit naive. But 9 years to forget and being sleep deprived at the time will blur your memory a bit.

The fact you were together 4 months before you planned to have a baby is neither here nor there. As for the idiot saying you need to leave, get out now, unfortunately, there are a few drama queens on here.

As he said himself, you're the mother and you get the final word.

Co-sleeping is having your baby in your bed with you. It doesn’t mean having a next to me or crib in the same room

Everything seems designed to break the mother child bond so he can take over. It’s chilling actually
For goodness sake, tall about jumping to conclusions. Some people just can't win.

Partner refuses to help with night feeds - he is a waste of space, LTB.
Partner offers to help with night feeds - he is breaking the mother child bond, LTB.

Except he's not offering is he @RhymingRabbit3?
He is also insisting that he shares night feeds from the start even though I'm breastfeeding. So I should express into a tiny cup which sounds a good idea but impractical.
Quite different from an involved, helpful father asking how he can help. He's telling OP not to breastfeed in the night because he knows better.

It's shocking how judgemental some of you are on here! Who is anyone to have an opinion on anyone who chose to get pregnant after 4 months. You can know some 4 years and never know their true intentions. You people throwing judgement and shame really need to look at yourselves before making such critical judgements on others. It's actually disgusting.

@Beau2020 I'd been with my partner for about that when we moved in together and started trying. I was in my late 30s, so we didn't have the benefit of time. Our son is 2 now. We're expecting our second child and couldn't be happier.

Previous to that I dated someone for 10 years. I'm very pleased I didn't have a baby with him!

The irony is, they're accusing OP of making snap judgements, and doing exactly the same, only worse, staging a character assassination on a single post!

Meh.

@SnoozyLou it really upset me seeing the posts. OP came here to ask about something completely different and people feel the need to force their opinions on a situation they know absolutely nothing about.

Congrats btw on second pregnancy! 🎉

In sorry you're having these disagreements so close to your due date! Is it possible he is feeling a bit jealous or insecure about the bond you will have with baby? And perhaps worrying that he might 'lose you' a bit.

To be honest, your baby will probably dictate what happens. We had no plans to co-sleep at all. We had a Moses basket set up in our room. When baby arrived she would not settle and 2 years on we are still cosleeping and loving it!

I've just read the whole thread. I have so many opinions 😅 most have already been shared.

His behaviour is worrying.

@Beau2020 Thank you