Co-Sleeping good or bad?

[Ksmalls]

I need your help mums...

Throughout pregnancy my partner and I have had a different opinion about the baby sleeping in our bedroom in a next-to-me crib.
My midwife, and family members, friends and other mums have all told me this is encouraged and perhaps expected for the early weeks to months. For reasons such as safety, bonding and convenience especially for night feeds.

However my partner who is French has an extremely strong view that it is a bad thing and his reasons being that parent's need freedom to be a couple as before and he believes parent's will sleep better and therefore can cope better.

I am now 38w + 3 pregnant with my first and I just put the next-to-me crib up next to our bed and it caused quite a heated discussion and quite frankly has made me really upset.

I feel like just giving him what he wants so that we don't fight anymore because he even though he says he can accept my wishes he won't change his opinion.

Any advice on this topic would be really wonderful. Any French mums out there who can agree with this being a cultural thing?

Hi! Congratulations! As previous people have said it is simply not safe to have your baby in another room for the first 6 months. But you will also find when establishing breastfeeding you may not even be able to be apart from baby for more than a few hours a day at best! Every baby is different but establishing breastfeeding babies can take hours upon hours of cluster feeding while your milk is building supply. Please go with how you’re feeling, it is lovely that your partner wants to be so involved with the feeding but the first few weeks is extremely hard without the added pressure of trying to express too.
Maybe if you don’t win him over just yet, when he baby is here and he realises the practicality of baby with you he might come round.
Best of luck x

The strangest thing is that he is already a Dad to a 9 year old and since the mother had a c section he was very hands on in the beginning and they used formula. He is a great Dad and actually has always had full custody of his child since they split. Which is why I find the whole situation and his incredibly controlling point of view so baffling.
I'm glad to know that he can't use the cultural difference against me now. I have always been open to revisiting the co-sleeping arrangements after a couple of months. He will just have to deal with that.
I really don't want to share night feeds either, especially if I've successfully established BF... I mean why does he act like thats unfair ?

We have a 17 month old ds who is a brilliant sleeper. Sleeps and naps in a cot in his own room very well.

We bought a next 2 me bedside crib when I was pregnant. However I was too scared to have it next to the bed (as it's designed to be used) because I had an irrational fear of our duvet somehow going over the baby's face. We agreed to have the crib at the end of our bed so that the baby was still in the same room as us.

When ds turned about 5 days old the reality of having a newborn was starting to hit home for us. For us it was becoming a right pain in the arse to be forever marching to and from the foot of the bed so we decided to move the crib to beside my side of the bed. We never took the wall of the crib down like you see in the adverts (I still had my duvet fear thing) but having the baby closer to me was a hell of a lot easier. I can't imagine how hellish it would've been if we'd have even attempted a separate room during the early months - it's also advised to keep the baby in your room to help protect against SIDS.

"However my partner who is French has an extremely strong view that it is a bad thing and his reasons being that parent's need freedom to be a couple as before and he believes parent's will sleep better and therefore can cope better."

I'm sorry if this sounds rude but I have to laugh at your husband's naivety - having the baby in a separate room won't mean you get any more sleep than a couple who has the baby in their own room. Newborns just want to be held and to be with their mummies. There is no 'freedom to be a couple as before' in the newborn stage. It's hard, hard work day and night. Your husband is going to get a huge shock when your baby arrives.

Can't you get the crib but perhaps trial having it at the end of your bed like we did and see how you get on? Either way I think you'll have to convince your husband that his way of thinking is unrealistic and that baby is best in with you.

Good luck with everything, it's tough but can also be a magical time

Thank you @yellowmellowgem
You're right! He wants to help and in his way make sure I get enough sleep. I don't think it comes from a selfish place because he really isn't.
I will explain that expressing into a cup for him to feed at night could be more disruptive.
I hope he comes round and softens once the baby has arrived x

Also please don't cave in to his silly idea re. night feeds. You're the mother and your wishes need to be respected here. If you're going to be breastfeeding it's your milk!

If he wants to be involved at night-time he can do winding, nappy changes and settling. He won't believe how many night-time nappy changes there will be, trust me!

My fiancé never did a night-feed as I breastfed but I do feel like he sometimes spent half the night changing the baby's bum, the poor man! Oh and the 3am poo explosion sheet changes that sometimes happened too. No way would I have been happy expressing / faffing around.

Hey @firstimemamma

I've never known a partner to have a such strong opinion over the mother's wishes of her newborn.
I can't understand his point of view but I'm afraid he believes it is his right to have his opinion nevertheless.

We are a very loving couple but this has made me a little anxious about future fall-outs.

I'm thankful for your support :)

@Ksmalls yes it's imperative baby sleeps in next to me crib for first 6 months. And also that you breastfeed full time if you are going to bf successfully. After a little while you can express or use formula but put that off for as long as you can. Feeding from a cup so young will cause huge distress for baby. They will take comfort from your contact. Your she can help in other ways ...You need to be fed, helping you bathe the baby and having cuddles when not feeding so you can sleep or shower or eat.

I imagine because his other child was c section and formula he just doesn't quite realise how else it can be done - and that it will be fine.

As parents you will get your time back when baby is big enough to move to the nursery. It's only a few months to keep the safe and treasure them x

@Ksmalls thanks for your reply, I hope it all works out. I personally couldn't have established breastfeeding without the support of my fiancé as I found it mentally and physically difficult so I do hope your husband comes round to the idea of it / that you've got another person to support you through the early stages.

I think he will change his tune after the first couple of nights!!
He will soon realise that his suggestions are totally unworkable.
Your mummy instinct will kick in and you will figure out what works best for you and baby.

Feeding from a cup so young will cause huge distress for baby.

It is a small point but I have fed babies via a cup when first born and it didn't cause any distress, they lapped a little like cats.

But expressing and cup feeding is a lot of work for mum, you have to express during the night as well as the daytime to boost supply so I really wouldn't go down this route unless you had to.

Yeah cup-feeding is common for newborns who can't latch. We cup fed for a few weeks after being shown how in hospital and DD wasn't distressed at all. It's how they suggest newborns are fed so they don't develop a preference for a bottle when you're trying to get them to the breast.

However, it's a heck of a lot of work, it's messy, and inevitably you watch in dismay as your breastmilk that you've spent so long collecting dribbles down baby's front. It's certainly not something quick and easy to do in the middle of the night. No way would I have been doing it if it wasn't the only way my daughter would feed (and we ended up switching to a bottle because it was such a PITA. Thankfully she figured out latching not too long after!)

The only way I could get any sleep at all was co-sleeping. It was a lifesaver.

Me too. OP, he is being totally unrealistic and unreasonable. I can't quite believe that he thinks his need to 'be a couple' with you trumps the needs of his unborn baby and the baby's primary caregiver - which if you're breastfeeding you will automatically be. He needs to accept that the baby will come first for a while. Could the midwife not have a tactful word with him?

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. In hindsight I'm surprised I didn't think straight away how impractical letting my partner cup feed would be. I was was trying to compromise as I get the feeling he thinks that mothers get everything they want and Dads don't.

@MotherofPearl I think I might have to ask the midwife to have a quiet word. It might be better coming from her.

I guess I do think these choices are primarily the mother's to make - you've endured pregnancy and childbirth, and then you're feeding the baby with your body, so for me that means you get to call the shots (within reason of course!).

Good luck OP. I hope he comes round to your point of view. And enjoy your new baby when he or she arrives!

OP your health visitor should make a visit before the birth.... she will chat you through safe sleeping (don't call it co sleeping with him, call it safe sleeping as it's what it is. Having baby sleep in same room as you for first 6 months is proven to reduce the risk of SIDS) and she'll also talk about your feeding plans.

It might help him understand why you feel the way you do. Things have moved in in 9 years since he did this before. SIDS numbers have decreased and there is reason for that. It's not a fad! It's safety of your baby pure and simple

Co sleeping is definitely a good thing if practiced safely. Baby should not be in a separate room for the first year at least in my humble opinion.

We have a Next to Me crib and it’s never stopped us from “being a couple”. In fact, I got pregnant with DC2 when DS was 3 months old
In your DHs case, it would be his shitty attitude that would be more likely to kill off his sex life. He’s being a knob.

Full custody and hands on from beginning reads controlling to me. How often does the mum see her 9 year old
You paint an interesting picture of him

My first didnt take to the crib by the bed after about a week or so. We put her in her own room and though she ended up with us occasionally , it worked for us even with breast feeding for a year. My second was the opposite and was in our room one way or another for 4 years!! They are all individual but please go with how you feel and what works for you breastfeeding etc. rather than what your other half feels should happen

I’m so angry for you and baby just reading this!

He needs to get a clue!

You do what’s best for you and baby he’s 3rd at best!

For safety reasons baby sleeps in the same room as you for at least 6 months. Bf takes time to establish supply and expressing/mixed feeding is not recommended until you achieve that.

He needs to back off and stop stressing you about HIS needs! They are bottom of the list now and for several months - that’s what being a father is!

Selfish, stupid man!

You need to put your foot down now because it’ll be harder once baby here.

Was baby planned? How long have you been with him? Was he an arse before you got pregnant?

“I’m French and we did cosleeping (baby cot in our bedroom)” that’s not co-sleeping, co-sleeping is baby in same bed.

“for first three months until they slept most of the night.” Research has shown that its safest for baby to be in same room as parent for first 6 months, nothing to do with sleeping through.

My own experience co-sleeping meant we all got more sleep, barely had to rouse to bf baby and we all got back to sleep more quickly as no having to put lights on and move about etc.

He seems to have very unrealistic ideas about life with a newborn.

I’m also very concerned he may pressure you to have sex before you’re ready, perhaps even before you’re medically cleared.

Frankly he sounds bloody awful!

“The strangest thing is that he is already a Dad to a 9 year old” and why did that relationship break down?

“and since the mother had a c section he was very hands on in the beginning and they used formula” c section largely irrelevant, ff very relevant - completely different feeding routine! I wonder if that was truly the mother’s choice?

“He is a great Dad” define great dad?

“and actually has always had full custody of his child since they split.” So you have a 9 year old stepchild living with you too? Particularly with bf the first few weeks and months baby will need fed every 2-3 hours, his proposal to have baby in a separate bedroom and you have to go into that room every few hours is even more ridiculous as that would increase likelihood of 9 year old being disturbed too!

Do you have any proof of his support of his ex when his eldest was a newborn or only his and possibly his parents word for that? Because from what he’s saying and acting now it sounds like he’s actually clueless re living with a newborn!

“Things have moved in in 9 years since he did this before.” My dd 19 next month - these guidelines were there then!

Your baby and your health and comfort trump his need to “be a couple” right now.

@Graphista So we are a relatively new couple and we planned to get pregnant after only 4 months of being together. I was lucky enough to fall pregnant immediately.
I have spent a lot of time with his son and he remains to visit his mother every second weekend and holidays. But yes I've recently taken him on as a step son too.
Since this sleeping and breastfeeding topic has been a bit of battle since it was first mentioned in early pregnancy I have wondered many things about what actually happened when his first child came along. I've asked lots of questions and told him about my anxieties about him taking too
much control but in the end there is no real understanding and I just have to accept it as a point of view.

I hate to think of him negatively but I do agree it seems to be controlling behaviour and although he says in the end I'll get what I want because "you are the mother"
It feels passive aggressive and is making me sad.

You planned to get pregnant to a man you've only known 4 months? A virtual stranger?

There are going to be a lot of decisions you make as parents and there could be lot of things you have no idea how he feels about now.

On this first issue you need to be completely clear. Babies are meant to sleep with you for 6 months to help stop them dying. Not for convenience, for safety.

And do get the midwife to explain that to him and how important it is to establish breastfeeding by actually breastfeeding, not expressing if you don't need to.

Everything seems designed to break the mother child bond so he can take over. It’s chilling actually

My advice get out now when you will get primary custody