Gender disappointment experiences

[Anon2029]

This is definitely a taboo subject and I'm not looking for guilt tripping etc. It's so easy to judge until you're in the position personally.

Please can only mums that have experienced this comment with their experience. I just want reassured that I'll feel better once I see my beautiful baby.

I have a history of mental health issues, anxiety/depression. I also have fertility issues and it took us 3 years to conceive.

I've always imagined myself with a daughter and my husband comes from a family of only boys, I'm an only child and I have a wonderful relationship with my mum and dad (I think even he is a bit feminine being stuck with my mum and I in the house as we are very girly lol).

My mother in law has also been through gender disappointment and has projected this onto me for the past 7 years, in fact the whole family has. I've always been the golden goose that will provide the baby girl. That was until completely unexpectedly my BIL's girlfriend got pregnant and had a baby girl whilst we were in the middle of struggling to conceive and I even went through a stage where I felt very suicidal. I was very much cast aside and the whole thing was rubbed in my face in a very insensitive way. They got what they wanted. Even until my niece was born MIL continued to say the baby was a boy and I've not to worry because mine will be a girl if I fall pregnant. I just felt like I wanted to make them happy etc. They made me feel like a baby girl was the be all and end all. I was only 21/22 when this all started and I'm now 27.

Fast forward to now and I've just had my gender scan and he is a baby boy. I felt like my world had collapsed when the sonographer blurted out 'its a boy!' With so much joy. I had always felt I'd be a 'girl mum' . I know how unbelievably blessed I am but I can't help but feel like my little girl has been taken from me and replaced with a boy that I did not expect. I feel like he will now not be as loved by my DH's family and not as special as he's not a girl :(.

I read a lot online last night and apparently it is actually quite common for people with fertility struggles to feel this way as they have an idea in their head of their 'fantasy child' that they've had so much time to think about and probably deep down as they don't know if they can even have another. I had named my baby girl and even dreamed of being handed her in the hospital with her little pink hat.

So many people won't understand this but I'm hoping a few might and will be able to tell me that any feelings I have will disappear once I hold my baby boy. I just feel like a terrible person right now and I feel so stupid.

Please be kind x

A bit different from you as no fertility issues but when I found out my third was another boy I was upset, like you I had always thought I would have a daughter and pretty much everyone was saying ohh I hope it’s a girl for you this time etc. I was happy he was healthy and growing well of course but also I did feel some sadness too, it did go after a couple of days and he is now 3 and just amazing like my older two boys and had completed our family.

I still get comments about trying for a girl and what a shame I haven’t had a girl etc and sympathy for having 3 boys 🙄

Hopefully people will be kind on here but brace yourself for any nasty replies because there are usually a few.

I was a bit disappointed when I found out second was another boy it didnt last long though and was so happy and in love from the minute we seen him im now 8 months pregnant with baby number 3 and felt huge pressure from everyone for it to be a girl this time my family and my partner's family and friends neighbor ect all said oh I hope you get a girl this time my partner kept saying he really wanted a girl this time by the time I went for my scan to find out the sex I was a wreck when the lady announced it actually was a girl this time I burst into tears but it was with relief I won't feel any pressure now .it's not a nice position to be in as it's something you have no control of but honestly op the disappointment won't last long

I wanted a girl (although didn't really admit it to myself or DH), although not quite as strongly as you, and I did get a girl, but once she had arrived I realised that I genuinely wouldn't have cared if she was a boy. Once they're here, they're just your baby. Their sex becomes pretty irrelevant as they're now their own person. So it's fine to be disappointed but the chances are you won't feel like this once your little boy is here.

And gently, if the sex of your child is what stops family being so involved in their life, then perhaps it's better for your child not to have so much contact with people like that, as they aren't nice people.

Hi, I’m sorry to hear that you feel this way but totally understand where you’re coming from.

I felt the same as you but really wanted a boy, could only imagine myself raising a boy and before I found out the sex my partner was already excitedly referring to the baby with the boy’s name we had chosen.

Then we had family and friends also innocently predicting the sex and also a lot were guessing ‘boy’.

I was so keen to find out the sex we had a scan a couple of days before 16 weeks to find out, and when the sonographer announced happily ‘you’re having a girl’ my heart sank and it was all I could do to hide my disappointment. When we left the building and got into the car I started crying.

Even though my partner had predicted ‘boy’ he was still really happy to find out we were having a girl and this made me feel even more guilty. I knew I should just be happy that we were having a healthy baby, but like yourself I had built a fantasy in my mind about life with my baby boy and placed a lot of importance on it.

I had a terrible relationship with my mother growing up and was terrified that if I had a daughter it would be the same, and that I might hate her. I had also listened to rubbish that people trotted out about boys being easier & more loving etc.

I felt less happy for the rest of my pregnancy, even slightly resentful although I didn’t admit this to anyone. I even desperately hoped that they had got it wrong, but further scans confirmed it was a girl. I felt sadness when we announced the sex to our family and friends, and felt I was only pretending to be happy.

However, I can honestly say that once she was born none of it mattered at all. She is my absolute world and I couldn’t imagine life without her, once I met her and had her in my arms there were no longer any doubts and looking back it’s head scratching to imagine that I ever felt that way. You will love your baby regardless of their sex, it might feel like it matters now but it really doesn’t.

I know it’s easier said than done but try to ignore your family’s opinion, they should not be placing so much weight on the sex of your baby and it’s quite weird of them to do so.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you will start to feel more positive about things, you definitely will once your beautiful baby boy arrives!

I had a dd very young. Then 5 boys. Scan at next pregnancy said girl!! Everyone was ott as I expected. I was also. Spent a fortune. Hadn't kept going to have a dd but was glad for dd more than anything!! After an awful labour a healthy ds arrived!!.
Instant love and happiness. Not one jot of disappointment honestly.
Absolutely shocked after at least 3 scans past 20 weeks due to bladder issues.

I felt the same way. The disappointment and then the guilt for having those feelings. People telling you to 'just be grateful you are having a healthy baby' are the equivalent of telling a depressed person to stop being depressed because they have things to be thankful for.
I adore my children and as PP have said, you don't actually end up giving birth to your ideal fantasy of a child anyway, even if they turn out to be the sex you imagined. You give birth to a person with their own opinions and their own views on things. As a parent we help to shape them into who they become, but they are who they are going to be regardless.
You can't help feeling the way you do. It's fine to feel that way. You are not a terrible person and you are not stupid. I hope you are reassured that you will honestly love this baby so much and it will all turn out ok. It will.

I can only talk about my best friend. She was desperate for a girl and told everyone that's what she wanted. She was genuinely disappointed at her scan to find out she was having a boy. Once the baby arrived she is completely obsessed with him, she even wants boys for further pregnancies as she said if she can replicate him she would! I know the moment your baby is in your arms you will love him so much. You need to 'use' your partner to start shutting down all unhelpful girl bias and he needs to control his family at any mention of disappointment!

I'm currently TTC and whilst I truly didn't care what my first baby was, I now feel very strongly about having a 'pair'.

I think brother / brother or sister / sister bonds are better and also makes it easier to share rooms / toys / clothes / beds on holidays. I now feel so concerned that my next baby will be a disappointment and that I would have let my first child down if I don't provide them with the same sex.

It is OK to admit there is a kind of grief, it is not directed toward the child you have but to the one you don’t. It’s not OK to gender stereotype everyone, as babies of whatever sex can like the things you like - or not. They are just people, and they are all different.

I always thought I’d get to raise a boy. My partner is a lovely man and I thought the world would be a better place with another male version of him around. I wasn’t destined to raise a boy as both my boys died before they were born. Coming to terms with that has been hard, but some of it is definitely based on the loss of being the mother of a son.

I also have family who make me feel inferior and often imply that I can’t possibly know how to be a true parent as I have only raised girls. It’s upsetting. Your partners family sound a bit mad, and honestly I feel sorry for the girl who has to bear the brunt of their overbearing sex preferences and princessing.

From my experience of friends who wanted a girl instead of a boy it was all based on their own good relationships with their mums and they perceived boys to be less close to their parents in adulthood. I don't think from my experience (not my own, but if friends) it wasn't based on princess clothes etc. But more from an adult perspective and they grieved an adult relationship

When I was pregnant with my first I had hoped for a boy to be the big brother and all that, found out it was a girl and I was disappointed, wasn't a pink person and couldn't relate as much to girls. But when she came it was a whole different story. I adore that girl, she's been a mini me and my best friend. I was a single mum for years and we did everything together. She's now 13 and unfortunately terminal with cancer after fighting it for 3.5 years. I am pregnant and due in July. I wanted the sex to be a surprise as at the time I didn't care (even though husband wants to know and wants a boy) but I've recently been hoping for a girl I guess to replicate my daughter as she won't be around when baby arrives. I'm trying so much not to get my hopes up and hoping that once born these feelings yet again fade away x

I have experienced this too

It took us 4 years to conceive and I always thought because I so desperately wanted to be a mum as long as the baby us healthy that's all that matters

I really wanted a little boy
We were very naive and convinced ourselves we were having a boy
Chose a boys name only looked at boys clothes dreamed of a future with a son

Then when I found out we were having a girl I was devastated
My husband was happy but I was not

I remember sitting in the bath sobbing reading online stories from women who had gone through the same thing really helped as i felt so guilty

We had our gender reveal party the next day and seeing how excited and happy everyone else was made such a difference

I went out and bought lots of pink pretty girly things and started to imagine our future with a daughter

I'm now 38 weeks pregnant and I'm so happy were having a baby girl, shes been sent to us for a reason, I still feel so guilty for how I felt before

Please dont beat yourself up, be kind to yourself, if it doesnt come before hand once you hold your baby boy I'm sure all those feelings will disappear xx

I wanted a boy first time around, gutted it was a girl, didn't know how to relate to girls or what they want, but she turned out to be amazing. So second time wanted another girl as I knew what I was doing and she wanted a sister. It was a boy. Equally amazing. Key to remember is that it's not 'a' boy or girl it's YOUR child so they will be amazing and into all the things you want them to be.

I had a DD then when I was pregnant again I wanted another one. I kept it quiet but it is what I wanted I couldn't imagine a boy. Then I had a boy! He's gorgeous and I adore him. I feel silly now for ever thinking about it if that helps! You'll love your boy and don't worry about how you feel now it'll be okay when he arrives. Forget your family they sound silly at best, slightly damaging at worst.

Even until my niece was born MIL continued to say the baby was a boy and I've not to worry because mine will be a girl if I fall pregnant.

What the fuck kind of screwed-up magical thinking is that?! No baby or child should be around people so weird and so bizarrely invested in gender stereotypes.

Oh @Millettmum thinking of you and sending a big hug.

My gender disappointment was based around the way my family had conditioned me - we have all boy cousins (10 total) 5 on each side! My sister had a baby just before me and had a boy so both sides of the family said ‘let’s hope it’s a girl ALL the time 🙄

• we had a boy, I was disappointed for a milo second and echo the others above who said they wouldn’t change a thing.

• My brother went on to have a baby girl and my mother said to me - “oh I just cried over this one when I found out” (as opposed to her other 5 grandsons who she didn’t cry over apparently.... Good luck, this will all be forgotten in a couple of years! X

I am pregnant with my first. I don't know the sex. I did start out with a preference for a girl, I think because I have a very close relationship with my mum and I want to have that in future. I've been trying to prepare psychologically for if this baby is a boy. Recently I've realised that I don't care anymore. I feel very protective of this baby in my belly and I don't want any other baby. If someone told me it was a boy and they could sneakily swap it for a girl, I would never do that, because I don't want anything but this baby I have right now. Hopefully you might start to feel a bit like that. All the best for your pregnancy.

I desperately wanted a girl. I got a boy. Now he’s here, I wouldn’t swap him for the Earth.

I do sometimes still feel a tinge of sadness that I don’t have a daughter, but as time goes on I feel it less and less.

This is going to sound harsh, but in my experience, gender (sex) disappointment is something that you can feel privately for a short time, then dust yourself off and get on with things. A baby of either sex is an absolute blessing that many people are not given.

Yes you will feel differently when you hold your baby boy. The love will be the same as it would for a baby girl.

I wanted a DD and got a DS. Now, many months later, I absolutely love him but feel that it should be him and a DD. Before having DS, I had a DD who died neonatally and I think that like those with infertility issues, I had my planned family ahead of me and it wasn’t what I expected.

I do very much wish we had found out in pregnancy that DS was a boy because I think I would have been ok about it whereas by the birth everyone told me I would have a girl and I believed them, so it felt almost like two DDs dying.

My DS is awesome though. I’m so glad I have him.

My in laws were desperate for a granddaughter (they'd wanted a daughter but only ever had sons) and for their first from one of the DIL.
Then another DIL got pregnant a year later and gave them their first grandson.
I can honestly tell you that they seem to love both equally.

Not my personal experience as I ended up with what I 'wanted', however I relate to the anxiety. For me, I had imagined my whole life that in the future, I would have a daughter. Not based on any clothes of mother/daughter relationship longing, just that I had a picture in my head holding my daughters hand. I couldn't imagine a son. I had two sisters growing up and no close male relationships (other than my dad, which is different). I just couldn't relate to boys. Even now I find it difficult to relate to my nephews (it doesn't stop me loving them or playing with them) but talking and playing with my niece I find so much easier to do.

Up until I had the scan, I was convinced it would be a boy to spite me. When it was confirmed to be a girl, I can honestly say I was so relieved. I would have been crushed if it was a boy.

For actual experiences, this happened to both my sisters.

First sister literally cried at her scan. She mourned the loss of the daughter she would not have but when she had her son, the feelings completely disappeared. She would not change him for the world.

Second sister's reaction wasn't as extreme, but she was worried how she would deal with raising a girl as she was very much 'one of the lads' in her mannerisms. She mainly fit in with guys and didn't get stereotypical girls and clothes/makeup etc.

Once she had her daughter, the feelings very much melted. She was still worried about raising her daughter, but it was very much a worry based on a child in general, and not the sex. She is a fantastic mum with her and surprises me everyday as I never expected her to have her own child at all. She was very much the fun, mischievous auntie.

Anyone who says that it is wrong to have a preference or imagined a particular sex because what matters is a healthy baby is right in a sense, but the feelings are valid. You are mourning the loss of a future you imagined; almost like mourning the loss of a nucleur family if you get divorced. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

You can't tell someone suffering from anxiety or depression to get over it. It's your emotional state and its your feelings are completely valid. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I'm 16 weeks on Friday but we're not finding out until the 20 week scan.

Both me and my partner want a boy - him more so. And I think I want a big FOR him if that makes sense. However, I will be disappointed if I have a girl now!

I know that feeling will pass, and it's completely normal, but I do worry that I'll be sad about it.

You're not the only one. Hormones play a massive part in this too

I am currently 26 weeks with DC4, I have 2 girls one almost 18 and the other nearly 10 and also have a boy who is 7. This is a surprise baby.

At 16 weeks we found outthat we are having another boy and I was so surprised at how disappointed I was, I spent a good week crying and since then have been very low . I have spoken to my midwife and she believes I am depressed so is referring me to ante natal depression team.

The only reason I can put this down to is that my son as much as I love him was a very difficult baby and is not the easiest child. I love him very much but my girls have been so easy and I relate/get them so much more then my son.

I hope you know you're not alone and it is very common, please talk to your midwife if your feelings get too much as there is help out there .

I read these threads and actually lay some of the blame at the door of MN. Most mothers love their babies regardless and it matters very little what is between their legs in the early years. However, mothers of sons are often fearful of not being allowed a close relationship with their sons as adults. I have just looked at a current thread about instant turn offs and, of course, there is a poster claiming that 'mummy's boys' are a turn off . It does seem unfair that a woman is encouraged to be close to her parents but a man is dismissed for having a close relationship with his parents. The word MIL on MN is generally used a term of abuse. Hopefully, the MN propaganda about MILs being evil aliens falls out of favour and with more emphasis on shared parenting , MILs can be appreciated. I honestly think some of the attitudes encountered on MN, has led to an increase in so called 'gender' disappointment. The favouring of girls on MN is a worry when you see the population sex imbalance in India and China because of the desire for sons to take care of parents in their old age.