Gender disappointment experiences

[Anon2029]

This is definitely a taboo subject and I'm not looking for guilt tripping etc. It's so easy to judge until you're in the position personally.

Please can only mums that have experienced this comment with their experience. I just want reassured that I'll feel better once I see my beautiful baby.

I have a history of mental health issues, anxiety/depression. I also have fertility issues and it took us 3 years to conceive.

I've always imagined myself with a daughter and my husband comes from a family of only boys, I'm an only child and I have a wonderful relationship with my mum and dad (I think even he is a bit feminine being stuck with my mum and I in the house as we are very girly lol).

My mother in law has also been through gender disappointment and has projected this onto me for the past 7 years, in fact the whole family has. I've always been the golden goose that will provide the baby girl. That was until completely unexpectedly my BIL's girlfriend got pregnant and had a baby girl whilst we were in the middle of struggling to conceive and I even went through a stage where I felt very suicidal. I was very much cast aside and the whole thing was rubbed in my face in a very insensitive way. They got what they wanted. Even until my niece was born MIL continued to say the baby was a boy and I've not to worry because mine will be a girl if I fall pregnant. I just felt like I wanted to make them happy etc. They made me feel like a baby girl was the be all and end all. I was only 21/22 when this all started and I'm now 27.

Fast forward to now and I've just had my gender scan and he is a baby boy. I felt like my world had collapsed when the sonographer blurted out 'its a boy!' With so much joy. I had always felt I'd be a 'girl mum' . I know how unbelievably blessed I am but I can't help but feel like my little girl has been taken from me and replaced with a boy that I did not expect. I feel like he will now not be as loved by my DH's family and not as special as he's not a girl :(.

I read a lot online last night and apparently it is actually quite common for people with fertility struggles to feel this way as they have an idea in their head of their 'fantasy child' that they've had so much time to think about and probably deep down as they don't know if they can even have another. I had named my baby girl and even dreamed of being handed her in the hospital with her little pink hat.

So many people won't understand this but I'm hoping a few might and will be able to tell me that any feelings I have will disappear once I hold my baby boy. I just feel like a terrible person right now and I feel so stupid.

Please be kind x

Not me but my dad. Hated me as I was unfortunately born female. Showed it all my life. Luckily my brother was a boy so he got all the gentleness, love and affection.

Op you need to remember your struggle. It took me over 2.5 years to conceive and 5 rounds of chlomid we were gearing up for ivf when I luckily fell pregnant so all I could think of is boy or girl I've finally got my baby. I didn't have a preference because I kept this in my head. Dh wanted a girl but wasn't disappointed when he found out were having a boy instead he looked at the pros of having a boy and there are pros to both. Just keep remembering your struggle to get here and I'm sure these thoughts will pass :)

Poor you, op. It’s a real head fuck!

After desperately wanting a second baby last year I found out I was having a boy. I cried for weeks, felt like I couldn’t continue with the pregnancy, was worried I couldn’t love the baby...truly I felt real grief.

It was partly due to having a very fixed idea of having two daughters...sisters...them having eachother. Partly because I’m estranged from my very toxic alcoholic father and struggle with relationships with men in my family.

I always wanted my baby, I just didn’t want the baby to be a boy. I decided to be open about that and most people were understanding.

Cut to after my birth, and a traumatic end to my pregnancy, which made me doubt my ability to bond with the impending expansion to my family....I was handed a beautiful beautiful boy. I treasure him. I’m so delighted to have a boy, to have a son and daughter. I know I’m very lucky.

Gender disappointment is about much more than the gender of the baby. I hope you can find some help or acceptance and I hope any worry melts away when you meet your baby.

Very best of luck to you

Don't feel responsible for letting your in laws down. The man is responsible for the sex of the baby. Most men carry 50/50 girl, boy sperm. If your dh has alot of men in his family, its probably herditory that the men carry less girl sperm.

You'll love the baby when it comes, they have put you under undue pressure that has messed with your head. Tell them to blame your dh and his genes if they have an issue.

FWIW I think there is an added layer of complexity to your situation because your in-laws are so... bizarre (to put it politely). It sounds as if there are some unhealthy and dysfunctional family dynamics there. I advise you read the book "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward and take a step back from them, distance yourself mentally and emotionally even if you still maintain some (hopefully limited) contact.

Counselling would be helpful too if you can arrange it.

And I don't think you're alone in wanting a girl. I did and still do, even though I have a DS who I love fiercely - I was briefly disappointed to find out he was a boy, but thankfully got over it quickly and now wouldn't have him any other way. I think it's very likely indeed that you will feel the same about your own son.

Just been reading through the other replies.
Millettmum I am so sorry about your DD's cancer
And sorry to those of you who have lost your precious babies

@millettmum I too just read your post I'm so sorry to hear this, sending my best wishes to you and your family x

Oh @Millettmum I am so sorry. I hope that your baby brings you so much joy, not to replace your DD but to ease the pain.

OP, I felt a bit disappointed to find out about having a girl, as I am not very "girly" (and was bullied at school because of it) and my PIL communicated a bit of a preference for boys. It didn't seem to fit with what I saw my future as somehow and I was gutted for a bit. However, I really absolutely adore my DD, as do my PIL, they are so happy. I really wouldn't change a thing about her (aside from going to bed with a bit less fuss!!!). Really, if this is in any way about fulfilling what MIL wants I would distance yourself from her as much as possible, to protect your feelings and to protect your son from being "second choice". As for your own feelings, I am sure that you will love and bond with your son, even if it takes a bit of time to get your head around it.

Firstly don't feel stupid or bad about yourself.
I was meant to be a boy! My parents were desperate for a boy! I was a girl!! I have never felt unwanted or unloved. My parents love me fiercely even though I am the wrong sex lol!
Also I always thought I would have a girl. So much so that I found out what I was having at a scan so I could get used to knowing it was a boy if it was one. I had a boy! I was worried. But he is the best thing ever! He is a teenager now and I've never regretted having a boy. I wanted another and would have been over the moon to have another boy. Unfortunately we couldn't have another baby. I count my blessings every day for my boy.
Go easy on yourself - I recommend finding out what you are having so you can get used to the idea and some counselling if you want it before baby is born.
Good luck

@Millettmum

When I went for a scan I genuinely felt I didn't mind either way. I erred on the side of wanting a boy because in my side family there were an abundance of girls. I also knew my sister would give me heaps of girls clothes for years and years and I wanted to be able to choose my child's clothes myself without feeling I was rejecting my sister's kindness.

Yet when we found out we were having a boy my heart really did sink. Logically I couldn't explain it because what I wanted slightly more was what I was getting but I felt sad we wouldn't have that mother daughter relationship that i treasure so much with my own mum. I tried to just let the feelings flow, recognise them and let them go. I didn't voice them to a single soul but felt incredibly guilty. I also felt a bit perplexed.

After a few days the feelings dissipated and I was just excited about meeting and mothering my precious baby. When he was born I was just grateful he was alive (traumatic birth, tricky early days).

I love having a little boy more than anything in the world.

It is natural to have feelings about all aspects of pregnancy and birth, it is a huge deal. My advice is just to notice the feelings, acknowledge them and let them evolve as they will.

It may not be my place to say, but it might be a blessing that your child isn't filling this lifelong longing for your MIL but is a person in his own right walking his own path. She sounds a bit full on

I think this is really common, more so than people will admit. It’s silly really because the baby will become their own little person regardless of gender but we can’t help how we feel!

I’m TTC and I’m ashamed to admit that I have a slight preference for a boy. A friend of mine had a DS and when he was only a few months old she was talking about trying certain methods to get a girl next time around - she’s just had another DS but they are the loveliest, cuddliest little boys and she couldn’t love them anymore.

It’s not always true that mothers and daughters stay closer either. My DH and my MIL are much closer than me and my mum too. He gives her enormous bear hugs when we see her and she pretends she can’t breathe but always looks so over the moon to see him, it’s lovely. He’s very protective and loves to treat her.

All the best

We went for a gender scan and were told we were having a girl. I felt weirdly disappointed because DH has a DD with his ex and I felt that if I couldn’t have his first child then his first son would be nice. I also felt that everyone else would be disappointed because “we” already had a girl.
Anyway, I started picking up lovely girly outfits for my princess and we picked her name and what not.
Then a later scan revealed we were actually having a boy. The family were cockahoop that it was a boy after all, which made me feel like shit all over agin that they didn’t want my Princess.
I spent a few days sort of grieving for the child I thought I was having, and I was so angry at myself for feeling this way and at everyone else for being so happy about it.
Now my precious boy is here and I would never in a million years change a single hair on his head.
Now expecting DC2 and I’ve warned everyone from the start that I don’t want to hear a single word either way about the sex. I will cherish my baby regardless of chromosomes and I’ve learnt my lesson about that well and truly.
A fair chunk of my pregnancy was ruined with utter silliness being fussed either way, which I do regret.

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories, it gave me comfort in knowing that it's not just me and these feelings aren't uncommon. It's so brave of you all to be so honest ❤️.

@Millettmum I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, sending love to you. My little one is due in July too x

I'm starting to feel a lot better and I'm trying to get excited about my baby boys arrival. My bump is just starting to become obvious now and I'm now referring to it as 'he' 😊.

I ordered him a blue unicorn pram mobile the other day, it arrived yesterday and it was BRIGHT PINK! Aside from a mini meltdown over that I'm over my initial shock lol, I now think I've managed to secure the correct blue one now so hopefully it's the right one this time 🤞🏼

Thank you mumsnetters xx

My first pregnancy my OH and I dreamt of having a girl, it was all we could talk about. We had our names picked out and everything. My heart dropped with the nurse said it was a boy and for a few days I was really disappointed.

Fast forward now, I would not have it any other way. I'm so blessed to have my DS. He brings me so much joy and love, that I am hoping for another son this time round. I want my precious boy to have a little brother he could grow up with. Honestly I would be over the moon if I had all boys 💙 Like they say, son's are mummy's boys x

Kids don't live up you your fantasies, and that's all they are, fantasies. She might have been a total tomboy like I was. I was not even remotely interested in anything girly.
I had a son and got rid of all my preconceptions, he's a professional artist, very bohemian, kind and gentle, loves cats and we have always been incredibly close and can laugh and talk together for hours.
I have to be careful his wife doesn't feel left out.
i certainly don't think I would have been any closer with a girl.

Hiya. It's not quite the same but I hope this helps! Right from being a teenager I used to think I want two girls. I never pictured a boy. For me I just wanted the pretty girl with the cute names and all the accessories. I imagined our relationship being close and doing all these lovely things together. When I fell pregnant in 2014 I strongly hoped it was a girl. I think I would have been a little disappointed if it was a boy. I would have accepted it and been really happy in the end. But I desperately wanted a girl. I never said anything to anybody because I thought it sounded so horrible. It turned out I was having a girl so I got what i wanted.I remember before I knew what I was having a girl i went to school with had a boy. She was always dressing this new born baby boy in sportswear. Personally I thought it looked horrible, I have no idea why but it put me off baby boys even more. I just remember thinking that doesn't look cute.

In 2017 I fell pregnant again. I just presumed that I'd have another girl.I actually went through a bit of a stage of thinking maybe I would like a boy this time. Then I thought nah it'll be another girl. I had a scan done at 16 weeks and I found out I was having a little boy. Honestly for about half an hour I was shocked. Then I was over the moon.

It was absolutely the best gift ever. He's now two. The honest truth? If I had more I'd choose boys!!!! I absolutely love our bond. He's so cuddly. I love his name. I love dressing him. His toys are so much more fun. He's an absolute sweetheart. He's a total mummy's boy too! Once you meet your son he will become your boy. You will love him I promise you. He will make you so proud. You just need to find your own happiness and forget family and expectations. Once you meet the little legend nobody else will compare to him! He will be the best in your eyes. Mums and there boys have a huge bond! My little boy carried the milk home from the shop today. His little red wellies on his feet. He was so determined to do it himself haha. He honestly fills me with so much happiness and my changed my views on boys. I am honestly ashamed I ever felt I didn't want a boy. You will honestly feel the same.

Remember he or she they all do the same. They all need you for the same things. The experience doesn't change. The love certainly won't xxx

"His toys are so much more fun."

Eh?!

There are no boys toys and girls toys.
None suitable for 2 year olds anyway!

lettoysbetoys.org.uk/

(I hate the whole pink and blue thing, too. Have actively avoided buying too much blue for my son.)

@AnotherEmma yes my kids have chosen what they like to play with without being forced. My son likes vehicles and tracks. He's happy to have a teaparty with his sister. My daughter likes drawing and art, dolls and hair, unicorns etc.

I like the whole pink and blue thing. I don't force my kids to be anything. Turns out my girl likes all things girly and my son likes his vehicles.

Personally I think his car tracks and stuff are great fun. Family got him some Duplo trains etc for Christmas and I like playing with them with him. I also enjoy my daughter equally. Buy yeah enjoying having boys toys in the house.

Each to their own

The pressure of patriarchy is very powerful, in part because it's so subtle and so pervasive.

I think that we are all subtly influenced and to say that children choose freely is kidding ourselves.

And I don't exclude myself or my son from that, we are all influenced even if we try not to be (and most people don't!)

If you're interested there was a really good C4 doc about a primary school class challenging gender stereotypes, it was informative without being preachy. I think it was called "No more boys and girls" (crap title but interesting show).

Thanks for the link too but things have gone too far the other way now. Everyone is so easily offended by gender and equality etc. It's like now you can't say a girl likes dolls and has a pink room. my kids have every toy you can think off. I would never stop my kids playing with anything. But I also don't see the issue in boys being boys and girls being girls. Its actually down to them to find interests along the way. We don't need to obsess over gender neutral toys. Actually if you look at the toy world it's already a healthy mixture of pink blue and neutral.

You have play kitchens
Tool stations
Teepees
Playdoh
Dolls in all genders and colours now
Duplo/Lego/megablox
Dinosaurs for girls and boys.
Leapfrog toys
Wooden toys come in primary colours
Melissa and Doug toys are very neutral
Toot toot cars
Wow toys
Playmobil
Vtech toys are also very neutral

Then yes there's Barbie, dolls, unicorns and faries still. Because there are still plenty of girls who love glitter and fairies still. There are heaps of boys who love footie, cars and Lego still too. Gender has always been a thing. We are alot better now at giving our kids equal opportunities. But do we really need to overthink it? Of we follow our kids they will show us along the way. My daughter is nearly five and she had a bucket of dinosaurs aged 3. Her best mate is a boy. They use their umbrella to play super powers on the way to school. She hangs around with two boys at school aswell. Yet she has a disney bedroom and she's so pink and girly.

My son literally picked a car up aged one and spun the wheels for ages. He naturally wanted to play with wheels. He has whizzed about with his sister's pink dolly pram but we've brought him a variety of vehicles. If he had showed more interest in play food or whatever he would of had that.

Slightly different because although I'd always envisaged having a girl (apart from my.poor dad almost all of my family consisted of women growing up), i never had any disappointment that he was a boy. My mother however definitely wanted a granddaughter and had some disappointment initially. However, from the minute he was born and increasingly so (ds coming up to 19 months); she. Is. Obsessed. With him! She loves having a grandson so much and they've got a gorgeous bond. You will too!

Your mil sounds awful to be honest.