MIL anxiety- how would you handle it?

[Firsttimemomma2020]

I'm feeling so stressed and anxious. I'm due in 2 weeks and I'm more anxious about my MIL than labor. My MIL means well but turns every situation into something about her. I have a problem with anxiety as does she which is terrible but when I'm around her during her anxious fits it flares my anxiety too. She has her sweet moments and I can handle her in small doses but she can be selfish and overbearing. To give you an idea- she wanted our wedding to also be a birth celebration for her new grandson (hubby's nephew) since the family would already be together. When we said no to doing a joint thing she said I was personally attacking her. She also got angry that we didn't invite enough of her friends to the wedding.
She tries to have a say in all of our decisions and I know it's also my husband's fault for allowing her to overstep but I dont know how to change it if he doesn't feel shes overstepping because it's how he grew up. Anyway, now that you have an idea of how she is....
Before I even got pregnant I told my husband that I did not want his mom with us in labor and delivery. My mom lives 5 hours away and while she wont be here but even if she lived close I wouldn't want her there either. I need support that will calm my anxiety (like my hubby) not support that will flare it. When we found out I was pregnant, we told my MIL and she complained because the way we told her wasn't grand enough for her, she told us we were supposed to buy her a gift and do like a reveal for her. It made me mad because she acted like she was upset about us not making it about her instead of just being excited about her 4th grandchild. Since then she has bought stuff for the nursery which we greatly appreciate but refuses to give it to us until we have her so she can use it as a way to ensure she sees the baby immediately. She threw my baby shower which I greatly appreciated but she asked what theme I wanted, my husband immediately said OOO she loves flamingos! And I agreed and said that would be great!!!!!! MIL then responded and told us shes doing a llama theme ...... I told her that's fine but I want to make sure I dont get a bunch of llama themed things because that's not the theme of the nursery. She assured me noone would even know it was gonna be a llama theme shower so I wont end up with 500 llama baby items. Well after my baby shower and 500 llama nursery/baby items later , we now have a llama themed nursery because everyone was so kind we didn't have the heart to take everything back , plus I didn't want my MIL telling everyone 😡 I was just tired of it. Anyway, I'm now 38 weeks pregnant, a couple weeks ago she was telling my husband that she wants to be there during labor. I told my husband that labor could be 20+hours of me being vulnerable, in pain and extremely emotional and anxious and that I need it to just be him and that she could come visit us at hospital a couple hours after shes born and we've had time with our new baby girl. My hubby and I even came up with the idea to set visiting hours so we were more prepared for visitors and we also let other friends and family know that this is new to us and we dont know what to expect so please be patient with us and understand if we aren't up to having guests. His mom Flipped out and told us a hospital it a public place and she will be there when she wants to be there. I about lost it on her. I feel like my hubby wont stand up to her so I'm terrified that labor will be here and she will force her way into the room and guilt my husband into allowing it when it's me who will suffer. Again I know some of the problem is my husband but I just cant get him to understand why I dont want to share this moment with family. To try and express the vulnerability I will be in at deliver I ended up telling him that his mom can be in the room IF he fully drops his pants and poos on a table in front of my mother first so he knows how embarrassed and vulnerable of a state I will be in , in the delivery room with his mother there. That finally got through to him. But she calls him every day for updates and texts me and reminds him every day that she wants to come help when the baby is born. I've got 2 weeks of my husband being out of work and then 10 weeks of it being just me and the baby.. I dont want what list first bonding time and learning time my hubby and I have with our baby to be taken over by MIL. And it's just plain stressing me out. She even demanded she be the first person to see the baby.... how would you tell her to back off? I know she just wants to ensure she will be part of it but honestly, the more she intrudes and pesters us the less help I want from her. She is making me want to push her away.

Oh wow - she sounds like something else! I think I would just be really honest with her and hopefully that will get through. She needs to understand this is your baby and you get to call all the shots.

As for her being in the delivery room there is absolutely no way she can barge her way in! Just make it clear to the midwives that you only want your husband present.

That sounds horrible. One thing you may want to do is inform the midwives that she is unwelcome and not to be allowed in the room under any circumstance. Then it's not up to your husband.

She sounds like a nightmare! Your OH needs to stand up to her and she needs to learn what no mean. I think she must likely will get worse.... Its your baby and your way, she needs to learn this. Don’t feed into it and replying to her texts (demands). Decide what you and OH want, he also needs to grown some backbone!

You need to stop this now.

You will go mad if she is as overbearing with your baby as she is with you.

Your rules or she can forget about meeting the baby.

The stress she will cause hovering over you, popping round. I can picture it now.

I had a MIL like this. It went insane when I was pregnant. Her first grandchild.
She bought everything to keep at her house. Pram, Cot, highchair etc. Not for us. For her.
She wanted to 'help' us pick the name. Use long dead relatives that DH had never known as middle names etc.

Just stop worrying about offending her.
Say No!

Oh my. I would have completely lost my rag with her by now!
Personally I would be heading towards limiting contact with someone as toxic and self absorbed as that.
Notify the midwives that only your husband is to be present in the room during and after labour. If you worry that won't be enough to stop her, I wouldn't even tell your MIL when you go into labour. Just tell her once the baby is there and you have had time to bond. It might cause a nuclear reaction but she can't be allowed to dictate something that quite frankly has nothing really to do with her.
I would also buy your own nursery furniture so that she has no hold over you or demanding when she can see or be involved with the baby.
I think you will just need to be really firm with her, especially once the baby is here, otherwise it will only get worse.

This weekend tell her you are having some couple time/date nights whilst you still have the chance & switching your phones off, no visitors etc. And do it! Then keep doing it for evenings during the next few weeks so she gets used to you not answering phones/the door. Then just don't tell her when you go into labour. Just let her know after the baby is born & you have had some time as your own little family unit. This is your time & your baby, not hers.

Was her mother-in-law present at DH's birth?

Fucking hell OP she sounds bat shit. Personally if it was me, I’d send a text at around 37 weeks and say that you’re gonna turn your phones off to focus on the run up to the birth, the labour, meeting your baby, establishing breastfeeding and transitioning into a family of 3. And that you will turn your phones back on and inform her/family when you feel ready after baby has arrived safely. Then turn them off and let shit hit the fan without you hearing it all! If I had one as crazy as her, I’d probably also check into a hotel for the last few weeks so she can’t just rock up at the house and interrupt.

If you don’t nip this in the bud before baby comes, it will be so so hard to do after the birth. She’ll be butting herself into every single little thing and you’ll have no privacy!

If this is her 4th grandchild what’s happened with them?
How does MIL interact or have boundaries been established

How would I deal with her. I’d tell her to fuck off, that this wasn’t about her. I’d then enjoy the peace and quiet whilst she went off to strop. I’d also be telling the wider family about all her demands so they can see how unreasonable she has been.

Stop trying to please her or be the good guy. It won’t work. Lose your shit at her, let her see that you are no longer going to be polite and not make a fuss.

How dare she demand to be there with you. Who the fuck does she thing she is

Also, don’t tell her when you’re in labour

She's batshit.
You're going to need to be very clear.
"No" is your friend here.
"No, I won't be doing that."
"Thanks, but no."
"Absolutely not."
"Gosh, no."
"Haha! Can you imagine? What a nightmare that would be! Thanks but no."
You might need to snap to make the point.
Be brief and definite.
Speak to your midwife.
Don't negotiate.
Don't explain why you don't want her in the delivery room - no one needs this to be explained to them, it's obvious.
If you need to go home to your parents to get some space, do it.
If you need to lock your front door and not answer it, do it.
Detach from her dramas.

You can tell the hospital staff not to let your MIL near you. You are the patient, it is your choice so even your husband cannot overrule you on that.

Perhaps inform your MIL that if she doesn't start acting like an adult and not a 5 year old, that she will be lucky if she sees her grandchild at all.

You need a very frank conversation with your DH about how you deal with his mum. You need to be very clear and he needs to start supporting you and stop allowing her to behave like this. You both have allowed her to get away with it so far so she will keep doing it unless you put your foot down.

you tell your midwife all this and they can prevent her from having access to you and the baby in hospital plus can have her removed if she causes a scene or upsets you to the point its detrimental to yourself or others.

Perhaps the midwife can then get it through to your DH how this is in reality and he can stand up for you more.

Don't answer her calls. If she demands something ignore and do the opposite. Do not let her treat you like this she is behaving like a spoilt brat. oh and definitely do not let her see the baby first. Start as you mean to go on from here. Dh is going to have to suck it up if he doesn't like it. You have a slight DH problem whereas he has a much bigger problem with his own mother.

Are you in the uk? Ask your midwife or HV to speak to DH. At the premiership meeting our HV told my DH that it was his job to be the gate keeper and stop too many visitors or them staying too long.

Llamas?! She sounds totally crackers.
As for her being in the delivery room...Please get your DH to read this thread. How on earth can he think his mum's behaviour is acceptable. You have to deal with this asap because when your baby is born you'll be exhausted and bleeding etc 😟

Also, the hospital is 100% not a public place. The wards have locks and keypads on. They'll only let her in if you consent

My MIL is very similar, luckily I put a stop to her coming to the hospital while I was in labour, even though my husband was quite M

Sorry, sent that without finishing.

As I was saying, my husband was quite disappointed that I didn't want her there, she did turn up and moved in with us for a week the day I came home from hospital and tbh it has caused underlying tensions ever since. It was a really emotional and stressful time, I spent most of the time crying and feeling pushed out and like I was a guest and my MIL and DH were the babies parents. You really should speak to you DH and put some boundaries in place before this happens to you, because (from my experience), it ruins your time bonding as a new family and deep down I'm still resentful about it now.

I sympathise. My MIL is also anxious and difficult, although not to the same extreme. DH recognises her behaviour can be unreasonable, but he also has a difficult brother and is wary of upsetting her because he is the peacemaker.

Is your father in law around? I find mind is a huge help in dealing with MIL sensitively and helping temper some of her more unreasonable behaviour.

Long term you (and we!) will need to set clear boundaries so your MIL realises you and her son are building your own family now, and while she is a member of it, it will not all be on her terms. In the meantime though, an easy way to deal with her not being welcome in labour is just not to tell her you've gone to the hospital and maybe even to delay announcing the arrival of the baby for a few hours until you've had some rest and feel ready for visitors.

My MIL's idea of help is always what is convenient to her rather than helpful to us, but I am thinking of asking her to do specific things for us if she gets tricky, e.g. "you're welcome to visit today, but we're not going to have a chance to go to the shops in that case. Please could you pick up some stuff for the dinner" etc.

It is difficult. I wouldn't choose my MIL but I think people with her level of anxiety would probably have access to better mental health services today than when she was younger. Thinking of you

Op you have my complete sympathy. I also have a MIL very similar to yours and whilst I was reading your post I was thinking it could easily have been a post that I had written! Luckily my husband is very supportive which helps. Could you have a chat with your OH and try and get him to understand how unreasonable her behaviour is? Like others have said my only advice would be to be tough and say no. You need to think about yourself and your baby and your MIL behaviour is just going to stress you out. I too would not tell her when your in labour and make sure that the midwives know that she's not to come in.

Best of luck with everything, be brave and just tell her to piss off. She'll probably get in a strop but it might make her gain more respect for you. Was she the same when her other grandchildren were born?

Good god, she sounds absolutely batsh*t!

If your DH is too much of a wuss to stand up to her you have to do it. She absolutely should not be at the birth, the fact she thinks she's entitled to that is disgusting. This is one of the few times you should really stand up to her and say enough is enough. Establish boundaries now, before the baby comes and it gets worse because I can guarantee it will get worse unless you put a stop to it now.

Regarding your nursery stuff, I'd ask her if you can get it in sooner rather than later and when she refuses just but everything yourself and say you need the room to be ready so you took the expense yourself. Nobody should hold that power over you!

Thank you all so much for your support!! I am in the US but the labor/delivery ward is locked so I have made a note on my birth plan saying if anyone tries to visit or come during labor it is up to me if they are allowed in. I am writing out my thoughts and what boundaries need to be set and will be going over them with my husband tonight and we will then go over them together with MIL. I really can't thank you all enough!!! I feel like she handled the other grandchildren births differently because she wasnt living minutes from them so she had to set up plans with the parents in advance . This time she just feels like she should be part of everything because we live so close.

I knew you would be in the USA! I'm on reddit (sorry mumsnet ) and this comes up so often as a problem there!

While you should make sure she knows she's not welcome and that to our partner is on board, and lock down your info on the labour ward, I think the most important thing you can do is to not let her know you're in labour. Not only not telling her at the time, but starting to train her- stop answering her calls and texts immediately, and have your partner do the same. If she's really determined to walk all over you, she'll head to the hospital assuming you're in labour- which tells you exactly what she has planned! By reducing the amount you're in contact she won't be able to work out when you're in labour, and can be told whenever you're ready for visitors.