MIL anxiety- how would you handle it?

[Firsttimemomma2020]

I'm feeling so stressed and anxious. I'm due in 2 weeks and I'm more anxious about my MIL than labor. My MIL means well but turns every situation into something about her. I have a problem with anxiety as does she which is terrible but when I'm around her during her anxious fits it flares my anxiety too. She has her sweet moments and I can handle her in small doses but she can be selfish and overbearing. To give you an idea- she wanted our wedding to also be a birth celebration for her new grandson (hubby's nephew) since the family would already be together. When we said no to doing a joint thing she said I was personally attacking her. She also got angry that we didn't invite enough of her friends to the wedding.
She tries to have a say in all of our decisions and I know it's also my husband's fault for allowing her to overstep but I dont know how to change it if he doesn't feel shes overstepping because it's how he grew up. Anyway, now that you have an idea of how she is....
Before I even got pregnant I told my husband that I did not want his mom with us in labor and delivery. My mom lives 5 hours away and while she wont be here but even if she lived close I wouldn't want her there either. I need support that will calm my anxiety (like my hubby) not support that will flare it. When we found out I was pregnant, we told my MIL and she complained because the way we told her wasn't grand enough for her, she told us we were supposed to buy her a gift and do like a reveal for her. It made me mad because she acted like she was upset about us not making it about her instead of just being excited about her 4th grandchild. Since then she has bought stuff for the nursery which we greatly appreciate but refuses to give it to us until we have her so she can use it as a way to ensure she sees the baby immediately. She threw my baby shower which I greatly appreciated but she asked what theme I wanted, my husband immediately said OOO she loves flamingos! And I agreed and said that would be great!!!!!! MIL then responded and told us shes doing a llama theme ...... I told her that's fine but I want to make sure I dont get a bunch of llama themed things because that's not the theme of the nursery. She assured me noone would even know it was gonna be a llama theme shower so I wont end up with 500 llama baby items. Well after my baby shower and 500 llama nursery/baby items later , we now have a llama themed nursery because everyone was so kind we didn't have the heart to take everything back , plus I didn't want my MIL telling everyone 😡 I was just tired of it. Anyway, I'm now 38 weeks pregnant, a couple weeks ago she was telling my husband that she wants to be there during labor. I told my husband that labor could be 20+hours of me being vulnerable, in pain and extremely emotional and anxious and that I need it to just be him and that she could come visit us at hospital a couple hours after shes born and we've had time with our new baby girl. My hubby and I even came up with the idea to set visiting hours so we were more prepared for visitors and we also let other friends and family know that this is new to us and we dont know what to expect so please be patient with us and understand if we aren't up to having guests. His mom Flipped out and told us a hospital it a public place and she will be there when she wants to be there. I about lost it on her. I feel like my hubby wont stand up to her so I'm terrified that labor will be here and she will force her way into the room and guilt my husband into allowing it when it's me who will suffer. Again I know some of the problem is my husband but I just cant get him to understand why I dont want to share this moment with family. To try and express the vulnerability I will be in at deliver I ended up telling him that his mom can be in the room IF he fully drops his pants and poos on a table in front of my mother first so he knows how embarrassed and vulnerable of a state I will be in , in the delivery room with his mother there. That finally got through to him. But she calls him every day for updates and texts me and reminds him every day that she wants to come help when the baby is born. I've got 2 weeks of my husband being out of work and then 10 weeks of it being just me and the baby.. I dont want what list first bonding time and learning time my hubby and I have with our baby to be taken over by MIL. And it's just plain stressing me out. She even demanded she be the first person to see the baby.... how would you tell her to back off? I know she just wants to ensure she will be part of it but honestly, the more she intrudes and pesters us the less help I want from her. She is making me want to push her away.

She sounds awful! Yes definitely tell the team at the hospital that you do not want ANY visitors apart from your husband!

She sounds massively intense. Put your foot down - no no no. You’ll never please her so you might as well please yourself.

Do you still not have the stuff for the baby? Tell her you are sourcing different stuff as you want to be prepared. Don’t let her hold that over you.

What item's has she purchased that you will need immediately post delivery?

No NO NOOOOOOOO!
Get used to that word because you're gonna need it!

Basically - its your body, your baby and you get to say who is in the delivery room. Tell her "NO, I am not comfortable with that, it is going to be DH and that is all" then use the broken record technique- just repeat over and over and over. She will, of course, throw a tantrum. Let her. Let her scream and wail and cry and whine and tell you how cruel you are being and how awfully she is being treated. Ignore it all. Its all done to elicit a reaction from you, so dont give her what she wants. Let her learn that no matter how much she tantrums, it won't do her any good.
Also, tell the midwives not to let anyone else in apart from your H.

Going forward you are going to have to put firm boundaries in place and again, use the broken record technique- dont justify or explain or apologise, your decisions are the way they are because YOU want them like that. there will be no negotiation, no discussion and no arguments. Again, ignore all tantrums. Your DH really should be stepping up here but if he won't then put the boundaries in place and just let her act like a petulant child- it won't get her anywhere!

Just tell her fuck off, worked with mine.

I think I'd have told her long ago to fuck off, and take her fucking llamas with her.

She is creating problems for the sake of it. You have to draw a line. I think you'll find you're a lot more punchy once the baby gets here. I got very territorial if someone overstepped the mark, and had no qualms in letting them know. I think it's long overdue.

I’d say don’t tell her that you’re in labour and ask the medical professional looking after you to make sure no one is allowed in without your permission and let them know how over bearing your mil can be.
My mil can often escalate my anxiety so sometimes I have to decrease contact with her or tell her firmly that she’s not helping

This woman sounds like she’s just gonna keep taking and taking I don’t think their is a polite way of handling her I really don’t. I think you need to just tell her to back the fuck off, I know it’s easier said than done but she’s gonna end up putting a serious dampner on your experience!x

Talk to your midwife and tell them not to let anyone in only your husband, also tell you husband not to call anyone and tell them you're in labour.
Tell him to wait until the baby is born.
Your mother is not only and anxious person, she is self absorbed controlling and I say she has some sort of personality disorder. Put your foot down she will have to get used to the fact she can't control you, she won't like it but it's tough. Don't let her spoil yours and your husbands special bonding time with the baby either. I didn't stand up to my in laws at first coming and going whenever they pleased and early in the morning when I was trying to feed my baby. I have anxiety and ended up really stressed until I put my foot down.
Couldn't even go back to bed with my babies in the morning as they were there. X

I meant to say your mother in law. Sorry. X

Just agreeing with PPs. My MIL was (still is) extremely pushy, doesn't recognise boundaries, randomly turned up, etc, etc. It got significantly worse after DD was born. DH & I had discussed having 2/3 DCs. However, for a number of reasons, we have stuck at 1. She will be PILs' only grandchild and, frankly, MIL's behaviour was the biggest influencing factor in that decision. She massively affected my ability to bond with DD, DH & I nearly broke up, & I bitterly resent her for it. She has no idea because she has thoroughly insinuated herself into DD's life & I'm afraid that if I (we) tell them straight how their behaviour affected us, they'll flounce off & refuse to see DD for months at a time - they've done it before for very minor perceived slights.

Remember - you are going to be in hospital because you (may) need medical help. You're the patient - your needs, and those of the baby, come first. Your MIL, & frankly your DH, are very much secondary to the process.

Personally I'd be inclined to tell your DH that if he tries to get MIL into the delivery room, you're worried that his presence will stress you out & he may have to leave as well... he's either working with you, or not.

You've gotten some great advice here. You just need to be firm. Don't give deep explanations because she will try and argue you out of them, just a straight no and then do things the way you want and don't involve her.

Definitely do not tell her when you are in labour, and I agree with the advice to get her used to you not answering your phone /the door now so that she doesnt automatically know it's because you are in labour.

Honestly you need a big talk with your OH and he needs to sort this all out for you, because you should be enjoying these last few weeks of pregnancy not stressing about his batshit crazy mother!!

And I thought my mother in law was crazy. Trust my in laws are toxic af and I struggle with the same thing with my husband. He was raised a certain way and he just can’t stand up to them. Tensions were already high and I set boundaries before baby but once baby was born they started using the baby as a way to see us more. They had a big strop because I stayed at my parents house and not theirs with baby and still try to parent and control how I raise my child. Trust me it will only get harder from here if you do not stand up for myself. In the end for my own sanity I had to stop going there so often. I’ll visit like once a month and tolerate them and if they want to see their grandchild so much they ca come visit. Men like our husbands don’t have a pair, so we need too. Put you big girl pants on and stand up for yourself or your child will suffer. Be the bad guy. I know it’s scary but I had to accept my husband wasn’t going to do shit. All I asked was that he say jack all when I stood up for myself

@Annafs Yes, because we can all afford a few weeks in a HOTEL!! 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

And under no circumstances let her move in with you when you get home from the hospital! If she has a key, keep the door deadlocked (& use alternative entry yourselves), take it off her, or get the locks changed so she cannot just come in when she feels like it.

I had a MIL who thought she was the only one who could be right/her way was the only way etc. We did not end up on good terms because I did things my way. Thankfully we lived away from her & she didn't drive. Although she was very much "queen bee" & thought everyone should visit her anyway . . . . I chose not to 😁.

Essentially she will strop, call you all the names under the sun & say you are wrong. Ignore, sit back & enjoy your own peace of mind doing things your way. Makes the long term far easier when you stand firm & are not a push over.

Sorry late to the party but I would say...cut through the bullshit OP. Decide your boundaries and set them now. Don’t move on them and be firm with her. She will either have to adhere to them or she will have to be absent. The other advice my own mum gave me with in laws is if you’re getting little back...stop trying to please them. Honestly. Don’t be an arsehole but just be firm and if she doesn’t lime it, shrug and move on. I think it gets easier with time. Huge hugs ❤️

So hubby and I talked last night about boundaries that need to be set. He listened and was finally able to see it from my side- I sat down yesterday and wrote out my thoughts and feelings and what boundaries I feel need to be focused on so they wouldn't be frustrated and jumbled. AND IT WORKED! some of our issues are her calling constantly, her stopping over basically unannounced because shes in the area and him not thinking to ask if I'm ok with it.. my husband said he didn't think she did that very often but that he would definitely limit phone calls especially if we are talking or in the middle of something and he will not make himself as available to her, he also said he would ask me my thoughts before any type of plan with her. So she called today, my hubby asked if he should take it , I told him ok because we really weren't doing anything and i had just gotten off the phone with my mom so I couldn't fault him for taking hers. she immediately said she was in the area and wants to stop over with her friend to see us. My husband said let me ask my wife and I'll let you know. His mom flat out said it's just me and my friend and we aren't gonna stay why do you need to ask her. LADIES!!!!! MY HUSBAND TOLD HIS MOM ... BECAUSE WE ARE A TEAM AND SHE LIVES HERE TOO SO ITS NOT JUST MY DECISION. His mom immediately backed down and was like oh, ok well just let me know. When He hung up , with a smile on his face he was like "damnit mom, I was just saying how i didnt think you did that all that often then you immediately do it the next day and make me look like a dummy" he immediately was like I completely understand where you were coming from last night even more now. I was so proud of him and after all the conversations in the past that we've tried to have about boundaries I finally feel like last nights convo really resonated and all of the encouragement from you ladies helped me get there. We still have other boundaries but we are taking them one at a time as they come up!

That's fantastic news I am so glad he is seeing your point of view.
(One might wonder why her friend would care about seeing you lol)
Let's hope he continues but based on her behaviour and how you have been able to speak to him he will probably notice it so much more now, sometimes people need it pointing out to them but once they know, they can't miss it! X

That's great news! It could have been a big problem if he didn't back you up, but now he's conscious of it hopefully that will avoid any nonsense when the baby gets here.