Mixed feelings about my pregnancy 😭 Help!

[OliveTreeChaser]

Hi !
I have opened this thread as I am in desperate need of advice from someone, and I cannot reach out to anyone in my family as of now 😥

I'm 25 years old and it turned out that I am pregnant ( only about 5 weeks in at the moment) and while I really wish I could go ahead with it, me and my partner have some financial issues at the moment..

He has been made redundant about 4 months ago, and given the approaching holidays season, it has been difficult for him to find a new job. I have a good job, and could technically still get company maternity leave but.. I have only been working there for 6 months and it means that I would have to tell them about it when I would have worked there for 11 months. I am very nice concerned about the judgement I could receive..

Also my partner is a loving and devoted man, with whom I have spent almost 10 years and never split up. He will soon have a good job too, once he gets back on track but is worried about how we can prepare for this financially, given that for the past 4 months, we were partially sustaining ourselves on some short term loans..

We are not married yet. We were waiting to get married in our dream country - New Zealand, where we are hoping to relocate in about a year or year and a half. We were hoping to get a mortgage there, work and then start trying.

So to sum up, the timing is very bad, as we have some serious financial hiccups. And although we mentally would love to be there already we aren't..

I desperately need advice ladies!!

I guess i cant tell you what to do but i just want you to know im in pretty much the exact same position as you!! Im 23, We could talk through private message if you like. Hope things work out for you either way xx

That would be great @Poppet626. I'm new here, so how do I PM you? X

You can have a termination. I know it's not for everyone but if the timing really isnt right and you feel that it will be detrimental to have a baby at this time, you don't have to go through with it. You are in the very early stages and are young.

However if you do decide to continue with the pregnancy, your work cannot discriminate against you for being pregnant and you will be entitled to whatever maternity package is stipulated by your contract and also SMP.

Your partner needs to get a job asap, even if it's not in his chosen field.

Aside from the financial stuff, do you want the baby? Because some of the financial stuff might be solvable. You don't have to do an expensive wedding in new zealand, you can do a registry office one now and do a big party in a few years or when you hit 12,5 or something. It's just one day and not worth terminating a baby over. He needs to get a job, any job. Do your parents know? Can they help with childcare et cetera? How were you planning on relocating to new zealand? That's pretty costly, what was your financial plan for that?

@Besidesthepoint Yes I would love to have the baby. But me and my partner have no one here to help us. Our parents live back home, abroad in other countries. So aside from some financial help, they wouldn't be able to physically help us . We have been putting money aside for New Zealand for past 6 months but spent a good amount of it when my partner lost his job.. we weren't looking for a costly wedding in a huge venue or something. We were to have a small wedding on a beach there with around 40 visitors max? Just the closest family 😥 I am so torn and I really need someone to tell me if despite all this, we could make it..

You don't mention whether you actually want children, are they part of the plan?

You don't mention any factors that make you want the baby, only negatives. You don't need permission from MN to have an abortion!

I'm wary of teenage sweetheart relationships (you've been together since you were 15?) I know plenty work out but lots also don't, and it's mid to late 20s when people often question whether they want to stick with the commitment with mortgages and children etc. Adding financial worries won't help.

I think you need to be determined if this is going to work, OP.

@corduroyal of course kids are part of our plan!! It's just that we had everything in so we'll planned out and then the finances came into play. By no means am I looking for approval to terminate.. I simply have no one to talk about it 😭 I thought women in a similar situation could tell me if it is really that bad. Is childcare really as expensive as people think? All of the factors : the fact that I'm the sole salary earner for past few months, the fact that I haven't been at my new job for that long, the fact that it seems a little bit out of place? Maybe what I really want to hear is that the fact that you are supposed to get married, get a mortgage, and then start trying is a very outdated system. I was happy to see I'm pregnant with the love of my life but then I started thinking about everything and got overwhelmed.. maybe I want to hear that.. despite it not going according to plan, most people are not financially or otherwise ready when they get pregnant, and that's ok? I don't know 😭 I want to hear from you ladies and hope that you help me make the right decision ❤️

Being married and having a mortgage is not an outdated system. Marriage protects you if things go wrong (partner leaves or dies years down the line) and buying a house is usually a good idea financially. The cost of childcare is taken into account in mortgage calculations so you can borrow less if you have kids.

That said, plenty of people have kids without being married or being homeowners. It's more about the stability of your relationship than anything else.

Having a baby completely turns your life on it's head whenever it happens, there's not really a perfect time to do it.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

If it's to the point where you've eaten through your savings and having to rely on short term loans, your partner needs to get a job. Any job. Baby or not. That's the root of the problem.

I don't think there's ever a right time to have a baby, and it can be as cheap or expensive as you want to make it. It is possible to get everything together without it costing the earth. I buy secondhand. New baby items depreciate massively, and you don't even use them for long. Travel systems, furniture - you can save a fortune not buying new, and it means you're not stuck with the crappy, budget version of things.

As for work, I wouldn't care what they think. They know it's the law.

Plenty of people on a low income have children and manage. However, it will be difficult and if owning a home is important to you it can be difficult to get on the property ladder once a baby arrives and you are working part time and/or paying for childcare. Childcare is very expensive - for many people it costs as much as a second mortgage. That doesn't mean it is impossible, just harder.
Maybe you could sit down and work out your budget. How much do you earn, how much is your partner likely to earn in 8 months time, how much will childcare be, how much is your rent etc. Sometimes seeing it laid out like that can make it clear whether it can possibly work or not.

Also you can still get married before having the baby. It wont be your ideal wedding but if the "being married" part is important, that can be done quickly and easily.

You cant individually price a baby. You can get loads of things second hand etc

How do you think you would feel after a termination? If it's purely financial reason or timings then I can guarantee you, there is no right time for them. Mines was an "accident". We were engaged and just bought a house and we were out a lot of money and just seemed to work all the time.

Took me until I saw her on the big scan (around 2oish weeks) to accept I was pregnant. We had so many things to do for the house and the wedding got put on the back burner. The house still needs work doing.

I love her dearly and I'd never considered a termination. It isnt for me.

You have got to think of after the termination. Are you a strong support for each other? There is no judgement from me. Sending 💐

While it is possible to get things second hand, that's not the real cost of a baby is it? £100 saved on a second hand pushchair is not much compared to the outlay of childcare and/or loss of earnings during maternity leave or working PT.
I'm not saying OP should have a termination but saying "oh it will all be great, you can get baby clothes second hand" isnt really giving her a realistic view.

OP dont forget to look into what benefits you may be eligible for, whether your partner is working or not. As a minimum you will be able to get child benefit and tax free childcare.

I was 24 when I had my first child (unplanned pregnancy), I was on 20K a year and my OH was on 21K but to give you an idea of our financial situation.. I went back to work after 9 months but changed career with better prospects so that meant I was back down to 17.5K a year. Our DS went to a childminder full time 5 days a week, 8:30 to 18:00 and up until he turnt 3, we were paying £1450 a month on childcare costs (we live in central London) Although we weren't paying rent (OH parents owned the flat we moved into), we paid all utility bills, council tax etc. Honestly, we made ends meet, able to feed our DS, both still working full time. Fast forward 4 years, with our financial constraints we managed to save a deposit and bought our own house, expecting baby #2 - ps are parents are around but we didn't rely on them to look after my LO as they lived 1.5hour drive from us. You will be fine OP, we were young clueless and definitely not in a financial situation to have a baby but it will work out ❤️

Children are expensive there is no doubting that. DH and I have gone from being fairly "well off" to hemmoraging money on childcare and family related costs but we manage. DS1 was planned but DS2 and DS3 (who I am currently 20weeks pregnant with! )were not! We went through 5 years of infertility treatment to have DS1 and literally put all our eggs in one basket. We were told it was "highly improbably" we would ever conceive naturally so to find ourselves in this position was never ever in any realms of possibility. Despite our background we really struggled when we found out we were expecting number 3 after feeling like we've just got our financial lives back on track (DS2 surprised us when DS1 was only 9 months old so we spent 4 years paying for full time child care for two children which was a struggle!) We seriously talked about termination and I felt that having a third child was going to cause so many problems for my current 2 children and ruin their lives. It took me weeks to get my head around it and were still trying to figure out the logistics but we're now looking forward to it and feeling more content about the new family dynamic. I'm only telling you this to show how people assume we 'should' have felt having three healthy children when we struggled to conceive one vs the reality, it's never straight forward.

If you and your partner want to continue with the pregnancy you'll make it work. It's amazing what you can manage when you've previously not thought it was possible. Just remember it's normal for woman to feel mixed about pregnancy right up until birth! It doesn't always have to be magical and is often anxiety inducing and difficult but this does not mean you shouldn't be going through with it. However, I also strongly support your decision to chose and you should also not feel any pressure to continue with a pregnancy if you truly feel it just isn't the time. Why not give yourself some time and make an appointment to speak to someone about your options either way? Places like Marie Stopes have people who specialise in supporting women and couples who are unsure and just by meeting with them doesn't mean you are under any obligation to do anything further. Give yourself some time to think it through properly and make sure you're open and honest with each other about how you're feeling. Whatever you decide will be the best thing for you at this time and it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

You'll make the right choice for you and that's all that matters

Hi OP, sorry you are having a hard time with this. I can't comment on your financial problems and as this is my first baby I'm pretty clueless too about the real cost of having a baby, however what I would say is becoming pregnant is a huge adjustment and throws up all sorts of doubts, niggles and worries, so I would suggest that you take the time over the decision and allow yourself to get used to the idea first before making your choice. I am now 14 weeks pregnant and am deliriously happy and excited about my baby, but I cannot in all honesty say this has been the case throughout and my emotions have definitely been up and down (and up and down again!). The worst thing to do would be to make a decision when you haven't truly settled into how you feel about potential parenthood. In the meantime while you allow yourself to experience your feelings you could do some research into costs, looking into cheaper housing etc etc?

@RhymingRabbit3 , @corduroyal , @Besidesthepoint , @doyouthinkhesawme , @b0nnieN , @SnoozyLou , @Ohnoherewego62 --->> I would like to thank you all wonderful ladies for your opinions and suggestions. I have found them immensely helpful and I am now having a quick fast forward look at mine and my fiance's earnings to see if we can make ends meet. I have also discovered that in Scotland, we get 600 hours of childcare free which could definitely help us! our potential earnings don't really look that discouraging, it turns out! It's just the recently developed debt that I think is making us feel so confused and torn.. 😥 but I think thanks to you ladies we are going to make the right decision ❤️

For specifics we have a liveable household income in the North (Leeds) of around £60k a year. Not a huge amount at all for some but higher than average for the area and we both enjoy our jobs. I went back to work 4 days a week and DH worked flexi so we actually paid childcare for 4 days a week from 8-6pm for both children with a childminder which was £37 a day each (actually cheaper than other options) I haven't really brought home a wage since 2016 as it just covers childcare but for us having a permanent job in a good sector made it worth it. We get £137 a month child benefit and are entitled to working tax credits and both get childcare vouchers through work.

We're skint but can afford to feed and dress everyone and keep a roof over our heads. DS1 started school in September which cut our daily childcare cost for him from £37 a day to £8.25 a day (after school club) and DS2 will be in school in September so the cost will drop again. We'll then have DC3 in childcare so we'll probably be in the same situation of skintness for a few more years but there is an end point (or so I keep reminding myself )

We are renters (£625 pcm) and had a pot of money saved for a deposit when DS1 was born which has now all but gone. Our plan was to buy by the time I was 30 but that's been and gone and we've now put that back to 36. (which will probably end up being 40 but I'm ever the optimist)

I'm prattling now but if you wanted some specifics this is our situation.

@toomuchteaandcake I am so happy that you decided to have your baby despite the rollercoaster of emotions. I guess I expected that when the time comes for me to be pregnant I will be filled with nothing but joy and excitement! I had our whole life planned from moving to NZ, to getting a house there, getting pregnant. Hell we have even chosen names for our future boy or girl baby 😛.. I think it is unfair to everyone that finances can really cause you to give second thoughts to having your baby.. it should be easier, I think 😩 plenty of people have children before they get married, before they get a house , but we always yearn to be the ones that want to do it the right way and with enough money on our bank accounts. But is it fair to the baby? I don't think so ❤️ I hope you have a beautiful baby girl or boy that brings you more joy you could ever imagine ❤️

There you go! I had no idea about the tax free childcare either. HMRC actually emailed me and told me I was missing out! That was 20% of all my childcare cost suddenly wiped out in a day - it was so easy to set up.

And they get free hours from 3 so it won't be forever. There was talk, on both sides, in the election about lowering that age, so I guess we'll see when the budget comes out.

Wish you the best of luck. I never thought we'd manage but I quit my old job, started my own business, and we're considerably better off than we were before. Nothing like having a baby to give you an incentive!

I am in a similar situation.
I'm 35 and i have been with my partner for 16 years we are 5 weeks pregnant. we have limited funds and i am the breadwinner.
My first thought was can i afford this.
Have you checked your employment policies on Maternity leave.
If they won't pay you maternity leave you will still be eligiable for Statatory maternity pay for 21 weeks and maybe the maternity pay from government.

the costs of having a baby can be reduced by looking for free/secondhand things. like the cot. I am going to buy a second hand cot and just buy a brand new mattress for it.
I intend on breast feeding so that will hopefully help reduce costs in first 9 months too.
first thing i did was look on Turn2us site to see what i can do to maximise my income. If one of you are claiming benefits you can get a Sure Start Grant £500 towards the baby costs that you do not pay back.
when you are ready to tell your work (my employee policy says i have to notify them before the 15 weeks to planned start of maternity leave) speak to HR and discuss your worries. if you are not already and have the oportunity, join a union.

i am ready for it to be tough but I honestly think it'll all be fine. everything happens for a reason.

and if you decide to wait a bit longer until you are in New Zealand that is what you do. you now know you can get pregnant, you now know that a family can be in your future if you want it.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.

@doyouthinkhesawme Thank you so much for shedding some light on your current situation. It is actually really helpful. It also made me realize that renting a house in Edinburgh is bloody expensive.. I pay around 1k a month.. and that's not even in the center, but suburb-ish area. We are now looking to reduce our rent to around 700 cuz what we have is madness.. we wanted to get a mortgage and then rent the house/ apartment out when we move to NZ but I doubt that we can get one just now with the loans we have taken... 😩 37 a day for childcare doesn't sound too bad. And just FYI, me and my fiances annual income is very similar to your ( when he has a job 😂)

I'm glad you've reached a decision, OliveTree. Congratulations! I'm sure you'll be fine.

Sorry to hear you situation OP, I think it all depends how much your really want children in life. I was never in a great financial position when I had my 2DS when I was aged 20 who are now aged 16 and 18 but I made it work. I was a working mother since they were a really young age (with help from my family to look after them) and got married when they were aged 2 and 4, we never had many luxuries but we always managed xmas, birthdays and a holiday each year. Dont get me wrong it was a struggle and times were hard but I would never change it for the world. My marriage didnt work out and I ended up been a victim of domestic abuse which started after my marriage when my sons were reaching school age. It took me a long time to break free from the cycle I was living in, I ended up leaving my husband when my sons reached early teenage years as my oldest was begging me to leave. All these years I put up with abuse thinking I was doing good by keeping my family together but all along my kids were suffering and I still beat myself up everyday over it. Happy to report my sons are very happy now, both are in college and working and we have the best bonds and relationship ever!! I then a few years later got back with my childhood sweetheart, he had moved away when were teenagers and we lost contact due to no social media, phones etc back then! Instantly I felt the connection between us again and we totally fell in love again , he treats me the way a woman should be treated and we just get on so well. Weve been together for 5 years now, after the first year we decided to try for a baby, both of us were working at the time and we had just recently moved in together but we hit a few snags in the way and we realised having a baby when we older wasnt going to be easy! The first 2 year nothing, nothing at all and it was so disheartening, then the 3rd year we has 3 miscarriages. It all became a bit too much, the heartbreak was too sore after each time so we decided to put it to the back of our heads and I went back to college at the age of 38 to do my HND to become a chef. I'm 1 year through a 2 year course and iv just found out I'm 6 weeks pregnant ..had an early scan yesterday and we saw a strong heartbeat. So my point OP is, I'm half way through my course, I'm probably not in the greatest financial position (as I gave up work to further my education) although my DP has a steady fulltime job but I just know in my heart that nothing matters more to me than our tiny little growing bud inside of me and no matter what life throws my way I will try my best concour it. Life doesn't always go to plan and sometimes you need to stall things for a bit because other things might get in the way... timing for me isn't the greatest but I know in my heart nothing else matters as much as being giving the chance to become a parent again. My advice would be ..make sure you know your relationship is strong (that is key), it's a shame you dont have more support from family members close by, iv recently moved more than 35 miles away from my family to be with my new DP so I dont have the support this time either, plus my parents are too old to look after a child now as they are reach 80 years old! Just remember falling pregnant can become difficult aswel and it only gets hard when aging. I suppose your heart will tell you what you need to do and what's best for you and your situation. It's hard, it's not easy so you need to put a lot thought into it and I wish you all the best no matter what decision you make. Do what's best for both of you

@WeeDinah wow.. thank you so much for sharing this with me. I can't express how brave I think you were and are throughout everything that life threw at you. I can't help but see that in the light of what you have been through, my dilemma seems to be really not much of a dilemma in comparison 😩. I trully applaud you as a mom, I think your grown up sons and your baby are so so so lucky to have you ❤️ again thank you for sharing. It really helped ❤️