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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Help - pregnant and unstable ex

43 replies

Ruby127 · 30/12/2019 09:37

I’m only 5 weeks pregnant and so unsure what to do.

I dated a man for six months. I became pregnant one month in and had an abortion.
I was okay with that choice at that time. He had demonstrated instability, some violence, and harassment.

Against all logic, I took this person back because the many, many times I tried to break up with him, he made life very difficult and used emotional manipulation and blackmail. I tried to placate him, “back away slowly” etc. Because of his behaviour the police actually took out a restraining order but he ignores it. I have been afraid to report it because of making the situation “worse”. But a few days ago I found out I am pregnant AGAIN.

I’m in my mid-30s and so, so ashamed about ever having this person in my life and my stupid, foolish ways of tying to cope and “manage” him.

I now find myself pregnant again. And horrified. I had taken the morning after pill but it failed.

I always thought I would have no hesitation to abort again. But for some reason my instinct is to try and proceed with the pregnancy, move states to where my family is, not include him on the certificate and raise the child alone. And hope to god he never finds out.

I know how stupid I have been. I’m an adult. I have no excuses except for really being very out of my depth with how to manage him. I gave in and gave him what he wanted because it was more peaceful. But I did end things fully before I found out this time.

I wish I didn’t want the baby but for some reason that I can’t quite work out (I’m still in shock the morning after pill failed), part of me wants it.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby127 · 30/12/2019 09:39

And to add, when I say part of me, I don’t mean a small part. I really feel like I want the baby :(

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 30/12/2019 09:41

How might the child feel when it eventually finds out it’s dad is so unpleasant and unstable? You will always be connected to this man through the child.

frazzledasarock · 30/12/2019 09:47

What are the chances this man won’t be trying to get back with you? He’ll work out this child is his.

If you have this mans child he will always be a part of your life. Legally he can force you to give him contact with this child. So he will have influence over this child.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 30/12/2019 10:34

I don’t think he will try and track me down once I move. Especially as it’s the last place he’d think of me going.
I also don’t think he would demand custody - he’s unemployed and more concerned with not paying child support for the 8 year old he has. Which I should add, he’s lost custody of.

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 30/12/2019 10:37

What about the child in all of this?

Original poster
Ruby127 · 30/12/2019 10:49

I don’t need that judgment - I am trying to make the best decision given this situation. If the father demonstrated less violence, manipulation and control, of course the child can have a relationship with him. Or decide for itself when older. As for now? Sorry. No. And if you’re questioning whether I would love the child, kindly leave the conversation

OP posts:
shutupsteph · 30/12/2019 10:54

OP, if he is unstable and dangerous you can fight to make sure he has NO tie, custodial or otherwise, to your child. But if you believe that he won't even try, then it'll make it easier for you and the baby.

If you want the baby, if you can get away safely and support yourself and the baby away from the utter trash of a father then do it.

shutupsteph · 30/12/2019 10:55

How might the child feel when it eventually finds out it’s dad is so unpleasant and unstable? You will always be connected to this man through the child.

That REALLY is not reason to abort the baby if OP wants to keep it...

Emma198 · 30/12/2019 10:58

Lots might disagree, but from my perspective, if you really want the baby then you'll never forgive yourself if you abort.

LH1987 · 30/12/2019 11:11

Hi OP, if you want this child you should keep it. You cant let a mans behaviour force you to abort a baby you want. Yes you have made mistakes going back to this man but everyone makes mistakes. Moving close to your family sounds like a good plan for support anyway. Could you maybe call Womens Aid for some advice? I am sure they have lots of advice and experience in dealing with partners like this and will be able to offer some good guidance.

Most of all, good luck with your pregnancy.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 30/12/2019 11:20

I need to chat to legal aid anyway, so I’ll definitely ask.
My other (main) worry is my job... I’d just been offered OS relocation (just applied for a visa) so that’ll be out the window. Now to make sure / mitigate redundancy Shock
I’m feeling less overwhelmed. Lots to do and of course, dependent on the pregnancy itself - but thanks everyone for the advice

OP posts:
Troels · 30/12/2019 11:21

Honestly, probably not a MN view or even morally right but if he is that unstable and violent. I'd not tell him about the pregnancy.
Move far away, don't tell where to anyone he knows or might find out from. Delete yourself from social media.
Register the birth without his name on the birth certificate and never speak of him again.
That or I'd terminate so I'm not connected to this man for the rest of my life.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 30/12/2019 11:29

@Troels.
Agree that those are my options.

OP posts:
LH1987 · 30/12/2019 11:56

Hi OP, just more thing, if they have already offered you overseas relocation they cannot take it away if you are pregnant. Also they cant make you more likely to get redundancy. You are protected and they cant discriminate. If you are being offered an overseas secondment it would generally be on the same terms of the UK and you would be entitled to maternity leave etc. Don't count this out before looking into it, as moving country might be a very good option!

Agree with @Troels, those sound like very sensible options if he doesn't already know about the pregnancy.

Good luck!

Haggisfish · 30/12/2019 11:57

I disagree. I see children struggling to come to terms with the fact they don’t know who their father is every day. At no point has op mentioned even thinking about the child and how it might feel. It’s all about what she wants. I personally think this is wrong.

Tatty101 · 30/12/2019 12:22

The horse has obviously now bolted but contraception (i.e. not just relying on the morning after pill) is going to be really important if you keep seeing this man, either now if you decide to end the pregnancy or in the future if you continue.

Good luck

Troels · 01/01/2020 09:45

Finding out your father is an unstable violent person as an adult is a better option than having a violent unstable father hopping in and out of your life and messing with your head and causing distress and mental health issues.
At least learning as an adult/late teen, you will have had the stability of a good upbringing to be able to deal better with the news.

Fivetillmidnight · 01/01/2020 21:43

The whole idea sounds beyond bonkers. Poor child in all this.

But hey, YOU want a baby and went had sex with this guy without making sure you were using contraception effectively AS well as him.. so I guess this is YOUR choice. Pretty shit decision though.

SnoozyLou · 01/01/2020 22:14

I think you know deep down what you need to do. It may not be the "logical" choice, but I think you need to go with your gut.

How might the child feel when it eventually finds out it’s dad is so unpleasant and unstable?

The alternative is they wouldn't feel anything at all, because they wouldn't be here.

I think it's really important you set yourself rules and stick to them though. You've relented before and let him back in. People don't change that much, not abusers, not really. I think it's really important you keep this man out of your life from now you on. I expect there will be moments, however you feel now, when you might feel tempted to reach out. I think that would be a huge mistake for you and your child.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 01/01/2020 22:59

@Fivetillmidnightp - I’m not saying I made great decisions. I hope you don’t find yourself in an abusive relationship -- and if you do - you’re kinder to yourself than a stranger on the internet. Maybe you have and you handled it differently hence the attitude.

But, given this IS my predicament, and not just a hypothetical situation where your judgement might be useful, what do you suggest. Abortion?

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 01/01/2020 23:04

Yes to be honest.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 01/01/2020 23:08

I did not ask you. Your “suggestion” was apparent days ago. Bitter much?

OP posts:
HL123 · 01/01/2020 23:43

@Ruby127 I understand how hard it can be to successfully leave an abusive relationship. I also understand how hard it can be to be pregnant and alone - I'm currently 16 weeks with my first child.
If you want to have your baby and feel sure enough you can get away from the potential dangers of this man, then I think that's your decision already made.
No it's not the ideal situation, but how many people, raising a baby alone or with their partner, are in an 'ideal' situation.
Don't let the judgement of anyone who hasn't been in your shoes upset you.
Best of luck whatever you decide xx

Haggisfish · 01/01/2020 23:44

No I’m not bitter. Just trying to get you to think about the child as well as yourself.

mywrencalls · 01/01/2020 23:54

Follow your gut OP, it's easy for people to say 'have an abortion' when you're an outsider looking in.
I think moving away is a good idea and starting afresh. There's no reason why you and your baby can't have a wonderful life together x