Help - pregnant and unstable ex

[Ruby127]

I’m only 5 weeks pregnant and so unsure what to do.

I dated a man for six months. I became pregnant one month in and had an abortion.
I was okay with that choice at that time. He had demonstrated instability, some violence, and harassment.

Against all logic, I took this person back because the many, many times I tried to break up with him, he made life very difficult and used emotional manipulation and blackmail. I tried to placate him, “back away slowly” etc. Because of his behaviour the police actually took out a restraining order but he ignores it. I have been afraid to report it because of making the situation “worse”. But a few days ago I found out I am pregnant AGAIN.

I’m in my mid-30s and so, so ashamed about ever having this person in my life and my stupid, foolish ways of tying to cope and “manage” him.

I now find myself pregnant again. And horrified. I had taken the morning after pill but it failed.

I always thought I would have no hesitation to abort again. But for some reason my instinct is to try and proceed with the pregnancy, move states to where my family is, not include him on the certificate and raise the child alone. And hope to god he never finds out.

I know how stupid I have been. I’m an adult. I have no excuses except for really being very out of my depth with how to manage him. I gave in and gave him what he wanted because it was more peaceful. But I did end things fully before I found out this time.

I wish I didn’t want the baby but for some reason that I can’t quite work out (I’m still in shock the morning after pill failed), part of me wants it.

What do I do?

Having had a long term relationship with an unstable and abusive man and now having kids with my very nice and very stable/kind husband, I thank God and all his little angels that I never had a baby with my ex. Having kids with someone who’s kind and who has your back is hard; to have one with a man who at best won’t be there and at worst will actively make your life (and your childs) awful is tremendous self-sabotage. You’d be better off having a baby via a speed donor if You want a baby and don’t mind raising it alone.

This same thing happened to me too. I got pregnant to him, he wanted me to abort the baby and said if I want to keep him/her he didn't want his name on his/her birth certificate. I decided to keep the baby and aborted him instead. Then I moved near my family 😊.

My daughter looks just like him and pulls faces like what he used to do and does things he used to do (these are the only things I wished didn't happen because you think about that person heaps and it's usually only the good memories)

But my daughter is awesome. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Since she came along, my life has changed for the better.

My advice to you would be, to not go online looking for approval, opinions or reassurance from other mums to help you with your decision cos they're all gonna tell you not to keep it anyway. You don't need anyone else's help because it's up to you not them. Just listen to your heart. If you want your baby, keep it.

Motherhood is awesome. There's so many people out there that want kids but can't have any. Consider yourself lucky! Maybe if you change your mind, you could do adoption if you want. After I had my girl, I fell in love instantly and adoption never once crossed my mind because that's how strong my love for her was that instant. Good luck to you and your choices x

Op I just had a guy from uni who has stalked me over the years find my insta again ( Private) . He is blocked, I only knew him personally for a few weeks 10 years ago. He has over the years found me through tinder/ every social media even though we went to uni in Southampton and I'm from London. All this guy new was my name. So be aware of that.
Secondly, you have shown this man softness so many times, without reporting the police for harassment. You need to report him if he is doing anything at the moment.
Otherwise it will get washed away in the future if he does find you and want to see the lo.

Thirdly, do not be fool late money will keep him away, you will be the one that got away and he will want to find you and he will think he has a right ( like all the bad dads that dont actually parent) to see the lo. And he will go to any length to because why not?... it will mean he is bothering you and gaining attention.

Fourthly you have to be very prepared that this baby will be half of him, that you will have emotional days were you may want to contact him in the hope he has changed and that he could make you life very hard.

I'm not saying abort, what I'm saying is be prepared!!!

My ex dp is currently stalking my house, has been for the last four days straight, he is actually sitting in my shed and sleeping in there. I haven't been able to go to the police as I don't want to have a scene in front of my dc.
He dragged his ex to court to see his other dd, after a year of not bothering, and has seen the dc three time since the order which was made in August.
It's actually part of the reason I ended things because I finally saw that it was MH issues he's actually a nasty man.

Ruby127
Sorry, OP but frankly Yes. I agree with Haggisfish this seems to me that you wanted a baby at all costs. Either through simple biological desire to procreate or as a way to try and keep/change your abusive partner.

This is not an environment for a child and at present you have choices whilst this pregnancy is a matter of a few cells. However it is your CHOICE but that choice means 'doing the best you can'. Which is that OP ?

Can you afford a decent quality of life for a baby on your own ?
Will the child and you be harassed for the next two decades by the father. ?
If you had a daughter in your position. What would YOU want for them ?

Did you skip the bit where I TOOK PLAN B??? Within 24 hours. That is “emergency contraception”, is it not!? Was that “having a baby at all costs” when I took it? Rhetorical question.

But I suppose that’s not good enough. It doesn’t really count, does it, because of this predicament. Forget the positive steps I did take - let’s focus on the negative and lot of “what if’s”.

I’m 35 with a good job, if you consider six figures that, but it’s hard to know what would be pleasing to strangers on the internet. I am under no illusion - children aren’t cheap - and that money might not actually be a lot, but I KNOW children have been raised on far less.

If it was my daughter do you know what I would say? Do what you think is right not what you need to do to make a problematic situation “disappear” if you will hate yourself for it forever.

If this goes ahead, I have no intention of the father knowing. Judge away, but others have done as good a job of explaining why and I don’t need to repeat it. And he’s lazy as they come - he’s not going to stalk me once I pack up and leave.

I think you are doing the right thing. Keeping this man out the babies life is protecting the child. Just because he is the sperm doesn't give him the right to be part of your lives when he is abusive towards you. If he is unwilling to change you have to do what you can to give the baby a safe upbringing. It's not an easy thing to do and of course it is not ideal but it is the reality you are faced with and you can do it. Good luck.

Op you are very delusional if you think he won't stalk you, especially if you are stating you make so much.
He will find out you have his child that's for sure and your be stuck with him for 18 years. Unless you put a serious plan together.

Hi OP, just wanted to say that it very easy for people to be thoughtless and unkind to a stranger on the internet when they are hidden. Also I’m sorry you are in this situation, I hope you work out what’s best for you. I think getting away is one option, at least that will make it difficult for him to get to you and you are near your family you might have a bit more protection. obviously, generally you would want the father in the picture but in this case it doesn’t sound possible so I don’t really know what people are expecting you to do.

Hi Op,

Just to say I completely understand how you're in this situation... I was in a similar situation with an ex about 10 years ago at 20. I knew he wasn't my future, but the abuse made me make bad decisions. This is not your fault.

I would say give yourself time, talk to family and friends and cut all ties with this man.

Good luck to you. Xx

Sorry you’re in this position OP. I think some kind of specialist counselling would help. Quickly If possible. Your head must be exploding with everything.

Can you separate (in your own mind) him from the baby? Could this be a way of clinging to happier times with him and that’s what’s making you so keen to have the baby? As it’s his baby? Even though he became nasty you loved him once presumably.

There is a good chance the baby will look like him. That could be difficult for you.

Could the baby have been damaged by the MAP and may not be healthy? That would make me think twice.

Re a new job and escaping him, a new post alone in a foreign country having a fresh start but away from family to help out isn’t ideal.

But neither is staying here as he will definitely find out it’s his baby and you will be unable to escape from him.
Who knows when it will be. A day, a week, a month, a year. You will always be looking over your shoulder.

He is dangerous to you and the baby. God knows what he’s capable of. And you will be weak physically and mentally and you will be lonely and he will be nice and against your better judgement you may not be able to keep him away from you both and start thinking happy family thoughts along the lines of “he may have changed, he says he has and he lives his son...”

Yeah, very hard to handle your emotions V common sense when your hormones are fucked up.

I really think you need specialist help as you’ve been through so much recently.

I know what I would do. I couldn’t bring a baby into the world under these circs. I’d think about his/her life and also mine and my future and make the toughest discussion. I have done personally. But that may not be your choice. Poor baby either way. Sorry OP, it’s a shit situation.

OP is this the same guy you got pregnant with back in August last year and had an abortion because you couldnt stand him?

Let me answer your snide question by COPYING some of my original post here:
“I dated a man for six months. I became pregnant one month in and had an abortion.“
“Against all logic, I took this person back because the many, many times I tried to break up with him, he made life very difficult and used emotional manipulation and blackmail. I tried to placate him, “back away slowly” etc“.

I have to say, this forum is filled with some righteous, judgemental members who clearly aren’t here to provide helpful advice and support. For those who did: THANK YOU.

I hope those who responded with harsh criticism got their kicks. I hope you never find yourselves in an abusive relationship —and it can happen, this isn’t my history EITHER. This is not a cop out or justification for my bad decisions but sometimes, it’s not just about your own actions. I’ve been in a situation and trying to “mange” somebody who is dangerous and mentally ill and hunted me like a fucking animal Yes, sometimes that involves sex; shock horror. And I did try and avoid subsequent pregnancies. Read the original post.

Now, the real kicker is that I’m 35, and I actually want to keep this pregnancy and have the means to do so. But, I get to have my second abortion in six months tomorrow because I can’t RISK being tied to this man for life. A man I HAVE cutoff and have an IVO against.

Please stick your judgment where the sun doesn’t shine.

I was in an abusive relationship years ago when I was much younger. He was emotionally and physically abusive but the emotional abuse got to me more, he really ground me down. When I eventually left he stalked me for almost a year until I involved the police. He would use other people’s phones to call me so I became terrified to answer the phone and had to change my number. He would also open new accounts to send me messages on social media so I deleted that too. He’d turn up at my house and sometimes just sit outside in his car, a couple of times he posted letters through the door or started banging on the door. It was terrifying at the time. He would also drive alongside me on the only route I could take to work and he’d shout things from his window or beep his horn... After almost a year he assaulted me in broad daylight in front of many people, he didn’t care.

I’m telling you this because there’s every chance this man will not leave you alone. He may follow you, he may make fake accounts or use fake numbers to stalk you in that way and honestly that constant fear is no way to live at all. Having a child with him gives him more leverage and control which is honestly not something you should force yourself to have to live with. You have the choice not to tell him you’re pregnant and just move away but there’s a chance he could find you one day and I’m not sure whether that’s something you’d want. Not only that but obviously the child will be 50% him, may look like him and so forth. Is that constant daily reminder something you can live with?

Jeez, I'll never understand why people post on an Internet forum asking strangers for advice, then get shirty when they don't get everyone unanimously saying what they want to hear. OP, as much as you want everyone to agree that you'll be able to run away with a baby in tow and have a good life forever, there will always be the chance that this man could end up finding out and also the difficulty of explaining to a curious child why they don't see their dad/who their dad is. I know you said you took the morning after pill but whatever you decide to do in the future, I'd use contraception and avoid sleeping with men who are so awful

I have been in an abusive relationship and similar happened to me. I didn't keep the baby. I got back with him after (but didn't get pregnant again - I had a coil fitted, which he hated).

I understand why you would get back with him (well I don't, but I do iyswim).

But every day I feel glad that I do not have a baby with that man. Being tied to him for life? Him having that hold over you? You still being connected to him (when freedom and healing has to be the way forward)? No. The existence of such a man in your and your child's life would be so damaging - you're talking about a violent abusive possibly cluster-b person.

(and if he is such an abusive violent unstable). monster, do you really want to have his genes in your child?

I'm sorry you have to do it twice. But really? It has to be better than the alternative.

I think it's clear to see people would handle this differently, and everyone has the right to handle it how they see fit. Its sad so many people are nasty in the way they give their opinion. Yes, you asked for opinions but it doesn't warrant some of the nasty things people write. I do wonder if some people just have incredibly thick skin or if they forget a human is on the other side reading their thoughts. I hate the attitude 'well you asked for my opinion so that's what you got'. There still needs to be some level of politeness there! @Ruby127 I think you are doing the right thing for you, and I would probably do the same.

Hey OP,

I agree with the replies that say "do what you feel is right for YOU" if you feel like you would live to regret having an abortion then please don't do it. You need to do what feels right for you, not what's right based on someone else, I gave myself this similar pep talk too.

Give yourself some more time to think about the situation, and again, think about you and how you feel. if someone inside you is telling you to keep your baby I feel that's a good enough answer x

If it was me? I wouldn't have the child. There are too many messed up kids in this world already made from stupid relationships and bad decisions and suffering the fallout through their own mental health.

The police issued him with a restraining order. They were on your side.
And instead of reporting the breaches, you just kept on sleeping with him because it was easier and you decided your way of slowly separating was better than the professionals who deal with this day in, day out.

If moving away now is an option and you're convinced he wouldn't bother following you, you should have done that when the restraining order was issued.