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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Sick of people telling me how difficult having a baby is

38 replies

LH1987 · 29/12/2019 13:18

Is anyone else fed up of people telling them that once you have a baby, your life is over, you'll have no money, you'll be so tired. I'm sick of hearing it and still think (maybe I underestimating it), it cant possibly be that bad or difficult, otherwise no-one would ever have more than one.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Knittedfairies · 29/12/2019 13:20

I didn't think my life was over, or that we were poor. I was bloody tired though.

Ninkanink · 29/12/2019 13:22

Most people do it out of a possibly misguided wish to be helpful.

It absolutely can be very bad and very difficult. For most people the love you feel for your children and the happiness they bring to your life do outweigh the difficult bits, but it can be absolutely mind-numbingly boring, difficult, grinding, exhausting work. The sleep deprivation in the first year or two is rough, and it can really put relationships through the wringer. People are trying to prepare you so that if you find it difficult you won’t feel alone in that. And hopefully then it won’t be such a shock to the system.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/12/2019 13:25

I wouldn’t let it get to you- just go
In with an open mind that you don’t expect it all to be amazing or easy.
I probably go on about the exhaustion a lot, probably because I didn’t expect it to be so bad.

misspiggy19 · 29/12/2019 13:25

People are just be truthful. No need to get some defensive about it.

Littlebearstrousers · 29/12/2019 13:25

I thought this when I was pregnant. Then I had DD and thought "why did nobody tell me it was this hard?!".

Saying that I don't really say the comments in your OP to any parents-to-be so it is easy not to do.

blackcat86 · 29/12/2019 13:26

It's a tough one because I knew parenting would be hard but now we have a 1yr old the last year has just been beyond crazy. The sleep deprivation has been so bad that my DPs have taken DD out for a few hours so I can sleep. I've felt so unwell I went to the doctor to be told hope you're just run down and poorly. I think people feel the need to talk about it because the hard times stick with them as much as the good ones. That doesn't mean DD hasnt brought so much enjoy into our lives but I'd be lying if I said it was easy. However, we have friends who are struggling TTC and I understand that some people really don't want to hear it and for their own very valid reasons are totally dismissive of the difficulties of pregnancy and parenting.

PiafPilaf · 29/12/2019 13:27

Your life isn’t over! I have friends who never go anywhere because they’re convinced the child won’t survive without them (usually because they - unfairly, imho - don’t trust the dads to look after them). We made an effort to make sure our child was adaptable and as such she is now 5 and happy to be left with mummy / daddy / grandparents / babysitter (necessarily, as we have to work a lot of evenings). Yes, you have to adapt, but unless you’re militant about what time baby sleeps / eats / snacks (which many people are, and which I don’t quite get!) they’re pretty portable. Perhaps we just had an easy child and this may come back to bite me on the bum when we have another, but I’ve found that within reason children can be very adaptable (aside from bedtime, as otherwise they turn into devil children and I don’t think it’s fair to not give them chance to get enough sleep). I got through the first couple of months by having daytime naps. You’ll be fine!

EmrysAtticus · 29/12/2019 13:28

IME it was like that for the first year to 18 months but I had a very difficult baby. Since then my life has been infinitely better and really not that hard (I only have the one though). The only thing I miss is lazy Sunday afternoons watching Poirot but before I know it DS will be off out with his friends and I will have that back.

QueenWhatevs · 29/12/2019 13:29

Its a difficult one.

If everyone goes on about how wonderful it is - and parts are wonderful - it can be extremely isolating if you don't feel a rush of love, cherish every moment etc etc.

If people tell you its hard and exhausting - which is true for many, many people - then that will stress you out and upset you. Some people think they're trying to be kind by bracing you for the reality, some of course are just shit stirrers ex SIL

The truth lies somewhere in the middle but depends on so many factors - how good a partner you have, whether your baby is naturally inclined to sleep and feed or if you get one with reflux and tongue tie and milk allergies, whether you find a social group, whether your finances are stable, what sort of birth you have, and a million other things.

Personally I wouldn't comment at all in either direction to a pregnant friend. I hope it all goes smoothly for you.

Delbelleber · 29/12/2019 13:29

Everyone loves their kids but they are hard work!!

steakandmantoo · 29/12/2019 13:31

Everyone told me this too. Honestly it's not bad or THAT hard. It's how your mentality is. If you expect to still have all the freedom then of course you will get a wake up call. I think the first year is the easiest, just you're tired a lot. It's now my dd is nearly turning 2, her behaviour is challenging. But that's a while yet for you..

ENJOY THAT first year, irs amazing, wonderful, just expect that you will be doing mundane job of feeding/nappy/ etc for a while and then you won't be so "shocked" honestly don't listen to anyone.

It's not hard :)

Primrosepenny · 29/12/2019 13:33

It’s not as hard as people make out

Littlebearstrousers · 29/12/2019 13:36

It’s not as hard as people make out

Tbf I could say this about labour because mine was easy and uneventful but I can still understand everyone has different experiences. Same with parenting.

Babyg1995 · 29/12/2019 13:37

My life began when I had my dc I was hardly ever tired mine were good sleepers though I'm now pregnant with dc3 and so excited we have our holiday booked as usual and will continue our normal life's .your life doesn't stop because you have a child it gets better well.that's been my experience and a lot of my friends too .

formerbabe · 29/12/2019 13:42

It's not necessarily going to be difficult. My ds was a dream baby...so placid, happy and easy to look after. I used to go to baby groups and think the other women were crazy for saying how much they were struggling...

WorldsOnFire · 29/12/2019 13:42

People are just be truthful. No need to get some defensive about it

And that’s fine...IF the OP asked for their input/opinion/experience which I’m guessing she did not. In the same way that commenting on any other aspect of someone’s life (relationship, appearance, career choices...etc) is fine as long as they directly ask you for it.

Inflicting you’re opinion on any of these things when you’ve not been asked for it is extremely rude and makes you a bit of a CF! OP is not wrong to be annoyed, weddings and pregnancy are two things that just seem to make anyone who has done it themselves think they can inflict their opinions on you!

And weirdly it’s always negative - ‘we spent £££ on a big wedding but you definitely shouldn’t’
‘We have 3 children but you’ll basically ruin your life by having one’

🤔 - It’s like a built in need to ruin someone else’s enjoyment. It’s like a grossly overweight friend suggesting you should go on a diet, or a highflying friend suggesting you should work less hit be better work life balance 🙄😒

Negativity surrounding pregnancy is THE WORST though as the baby is already in there, there’s nothing to be done so why doom and gloom over someone you’re supposed to care about just to ruin the experience for them? 🤔

rumandbiscuits · 29/12/2019 13:42

I felt the exact same way that you did when I was pregnant. I didn't find it helpful in the slightest and it was too late for the warning from people I was already pregnant! It is hard yes but you have no other choice but to get on with it. You'll be fine, like you say people go on to have others. Just ignore the negative people.

newdawntoday · 29/12/2019 13:44

This drove me bananas. Hated people doing it to me. Completely unasked for opinions.
Oh and then when you've got a baby it's all 'just wait till it's a toddler then it'll be awful' (it wasn't.
OP it's wonderful, ignore the lot of them.

Original poster

LH1987 · 29/12/2019 13:44

Thanks all, your advice and comments are really helpful. I think the answer is probably as @QueenWhatevs says, its somewhere in between. Sometimes hard, sometimes really good. I feel better for writing this though, every time someone has told me how everything is really difficult, I have felt like saying 'Its probably not that bad', which I recognise would make me a condescending cow!

OP posts:

Primrosepenny · 29/12/2019 13:45

And weirdly it’s always negative - ‘we spent £££ on a big wedding but you definitely shouldn’t’
‘We have 3 children but you’ll basically ruin your life by having one’
So true

PolloDePrimavera · 29/12/2019 13:47

Your life isn't over, it's just different. You suddenly have a little thing who is your ENTIRE focus and everything revolves around the baby. You can't be spontaneous any more, well much less so at least, yes you're tired but you can get babies to sleep!
It's honestly the best thing though. Good luck and enjoy x

ShushhhandPat · 29/12/2019 13:48

Controversially, I don't think it's as bad as people make out! My life has changed a bit but not in a bad way, they are only as expensive as you want them to be, and yes it is tiring. But you manage. People love to scare pregnant people!

Original poster

LH1987 · 29/12/2019 13:48

Completely spot on @WorldsOnFire :)

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/12/2019 13:55

It's like anything in life, there are so many variables that affect how it changes people's lives.

I'm a home bird and have always wanted children so it's been incredible for me. Yeah it's been hard but I've found that the good SO outweighs the bad.

But I haven't reached the terrible twos or starting school or handling teenagers yet so I don't know how tough it's going to get.

Useful22 · 29/12/2019 13:58

All depends on whether you get an easy baby or colic baby for example. They are probably trying to prepare you. Tell them you're excited and sure you'll cope...with a sarcastic tone!! People don't mean badly, but it is more tiring than you imagine. Still magical though!!

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