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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

36 hours to decide on abortion

48 replies

ScaredStiff101 · 28/12/2019 20:02

For reasons I can't go into (because it would make my identity very vulnerable to exposure) I have just thirty-six hours to decide whether or not to have an abortion. I'm just gone forty-four, the father's fifty-two, we're together a couple of years and both have kids by previous relationships.

The pros and cons mainly centre around the father rather than the baby. The main problem is that this man does not have his economic situation in order AT ALL and I am justifiably frightened of being catapulted back into poverty which I've worked very hard to get out of. He has a serious streak of irresponsibility running through his behaviour and consequently his life, and if I am to bring his baby into the world I will be unavoidably anchored to him forever, financial chaos and all.

It does not stop with money either; there are other chaotic patterns at play. Mountains of unpaid parking tickets resulting in legal penalties and fines, no steady employment, sleeping on his brothers sofa etc etc. Reading this must sound like I'm in the worst relationship on earth, but the upside is that he's hillariously funny, very sexy and a very enjoyable man to have around when serious joint responsibility hasn't entered the fray. But now it has... and I have never been more torn in my life. Any thoughtful, considered advice would be very welcome.

p.s. No salt in the wound please, I am already very well aware that getting pregnant in these circumstances was a major irresponsibility of my own!

OP posts:

Ivyr0se · 28/12/2019 20:06

Stop focusing on the father and focus on you.

Presume that you will be a single mam and that he will give no financial support.

Base your decision on you, your children and your life and not what might be.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 28/12/2019 20:11

As pp said, make the decision YOU can live with.

If i was in your shoes i would end the pregancy. I have also worked hard to improve the lives of me and my two DC and i would not want to risk that for all of our sakes.

userxx · 28/12/2019 20:11

Are you happy and financially able to raise this child alone?

LH1987 · 28/12/2019 20:15

As PP say, just look as if you were doing this alone. Don't consider him, also, don't tie yourself to him financial anyway. If you are able to do it alone, brilliant. There may even be some benefits you get with another child. You may even find that being a Dad makes him wake up and get his act together (Don't count on it though!).

Good luck.

Original poster

ScaredStiff101 · 28/12/2019 20:20

Thank you all for your comments. To answer the questions, no I am not at all happy to take full financial responsibility for this child. I earn a relatively decent salary but it involves a lot of international travel which would be seriously curtailed by motherhood, especially in the first year.

I am also afraid that a close friend of mine was absolutely right when she said to me the other day that my relationship with the father would radically alter when the baby came along and I began to feel resentful about our circumstances, sucking all the joy out of the connection that we currently have. He's very keen to have this baby, but honestly, I see his enthusiasm as just another example of his irresponsibility; this is not a puppy we're adopting here. He's the happiest man in the land, and I'm thinking you'd have to be majorly irresponsible to be the happiest man in the land to have gotten your girlfriend pregnant while you're kipping on your brother's couch!

OP posts:

TeeBee · 28/12/2019 20:23

Oh god, just no! Sounds like you'd be signing your own death warrant. He sounds like a waste of space.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/12/2019 20:24

why do you want the baby? I haven’t really pinned that down in tour posts OP

Janaih · 28/12/2019 20:26

That's a tough decision. Agree with all pp. Also consider your existing children. I'm sure your relationship with this irresponsible dreamer isn't doing them any good as it is.

userxx · 28/12/2019 20:26

It's a really hard decision either way.

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 20:26

I know what I would do, but it's really not up to us to tell you.

It sounds like you dont want to have the child.... but that could just be my own opinion projecting. If you dont want it then dont have it. If you do, then have it but go into that decision knowing that you will end up solely responsible and your career will tank.

AmazingGrace16 · 28/12/2019 20:28

Everything you've listed is to do with the negatives. It doesn't sound like there are any positives for you at all.

Original poster

ScaredStiff101 · 28/12/2019 20:30

I feel devastated at the idea of ending the pregnancy OnlyFoolsnMothers. It makes me feel very, very sad. I walked out of an abortion clinic on Friday morning in tears because I couldn't face going through with it, but if I do go through with it I feel like I'll be signing away the rest of my life.

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 28/12/2019 20:30

It doesn't sound like he's in any position to be any sort of father at all, let alone fiscally. He's not going to be changing nappies in the middle of the night, is he?

Realistically: just how much of a relationship do you think will be left when you are not the fun, relaxed, free girlfriend of the last 2 years?

BobbyBlueCat · 28/12/2019 20:31

If it was me?
I wouldn't hesitate to abort.

You've worked yourself out of poverty.
You have a great job.
You see the world.
The children that you already have are (presumably) fantastic.
Why mess all that up?

You have the child and your existing children's quality of life will be negatively affected.
The "hillariously funny, very sexy and a very enjoyable man" will just be another knackered dad (presuming he doesn't end up being a dead beat loser) that can't think straight for tiredness, loses all that humour, and you squabble over who does the next night feed. He's "hillariously funny, very sexy and a very enjoyable man" because he has no major stresses and is floating through life.

When he's off his brother's sofa and cocklodging with you because he has no steady job, criminal convictions because of ignoring lawfully issued fines and your kids are answering the door to bailiffs, I guarantee you won't find him quite so endearing.

Abort. Concentrate on your existing kids and carry on enjoying what you've got with this man currently.

carly2803 · 28/12/2019 20:33

im pro choice

in this case i would look seriously into an abortion and FFS dump him either way

"hes hillarious" does not pay bills!! or provide stability etc
you are worth more than that.

If you decide to continue the pregnancy, you will be a single mum i can imagine

Merename · 28/12/2019 20:34

Having an abortion that you feel devastated about doesn’t sound like a good idea to me. Have you talked to him about your concerns?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/12/2019 20:36

I’m sorry OP, it’s your body and your choice.
Personally, and this is only my personal opinion I would probably abort, I’m not ruled by money but the financial stability of my current children is of utmost importance. I’m so sorry for you OP, but I think either decision, your relationship is over.

Original poster

ScaredStiff101 · 28/12/2019 20:38

Thanks all for the blunt honesty, I reckon I need a good dose of it.

And Janaih, my children are both adults in their twenties and have no involvement in my relationship, which really is another aspect of this. With kids 20-years-plus having another child now would involve going back to the absolute start!

OP posts:

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 28/12/2019 20:38

I think if you keep the baby it’s all on you. Sounds like he won’t do a legger necessarily but won’t be help in any practical sense. Can you have a frank conversation about him needing to sort his life out?

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 20:43

I'm only 30 but the idea of going back to the beginning with another baby just makes me feel like eugh. I absolutely dont want to do it.
But I wouldn't be feeling desperately sad at the thought of aborting. You are. That's something you maybe shouldn't ignore.
Is the 36 hours because you've found out very very late and are almost at the legal limit? Because if it's any other reason, then I'd suggest you find a way to get some more time so you can talk to someone about this.
If you're at the level limit and need to decide now then that's a bit more tricky. You need to weigh up the sadness you feel now with what you will feel for the rest of your life, with this baby and the changes it will bring.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/12/2019 20:44

I suspect a man who hasn’t sorted his life out by 50 is unlikely to ever do...he’s not about to carve out a career is he?!

formerbabe · 28/12/2019 20:47

Honestly I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy. You'll be near 50 when the child starts school...by the time they're independent, it will be too late to regain your career to it's full potential and with the child's father being useless, it sounds like a nightmare.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 28/12/2019 20:59

You can have a relationship with this feckless idiot if you choose not to have the child. But if you do choose to have this child the relationship with this feckless idiot will never stand the strain. He'll never be a source of any kind of support. Not financial. Not emotional. And especially not practical. The third is the most destructive. He will swan in and out of this child's life when it's convenient for him. But if the child needs to go to A&E at midnight? You need childcare to meet a work obligation? The child wants an involved dad for school, scouts, sports? Nope, not gonna happen.

The decision is yours.

Boymummy3 · 28/12/2019 21:00

You don't want to ruin your life you have now. You dont want to give up your career
You don't want to end up starting from beginning financially or provide for this baby alone. You don't want to be tied to this man because he sleeps on his brothers sofa and by sounds of it is in debt and shit with money/keeping a job
You think he's being irresponsible because he wants this baby...
In all honesty I think you already know you don't want this baby at all. It's your choice alone but if that was me and I was thinking everything you have wrote I would have the abortion. And I know this isn't part of your post but I'd also be getting rid of this bloke.. Funny & Sexy don't always make for a good relationship long term.
Good luck in whichever way you decide to handle this situation but remember it's your body & your choice.

Original poster

ScaredStiff101 · 28/12/2019 21:31

I've no concerns whatsoever about the child's father being emotionally or practically supportive; I'm concerned solely about his inability to be financially supportive. As I've said he does not have his financial house in order AT ALL, but nor is he in any kind of debt.

People are making assumptions over the last couple of posts that are so far off the mark I have to assume I've painted a bleaker picture than the reality here, probably due to the panic and tension involved in this situation. It's not the case either that I know I don't want this baby at all, if that were true I'd hardly be walking in tears out of an abortion clinic.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond, in any case.

OP posts:

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