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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

36 hours to decide on abortion

48 replies

ScaredStiff101 · 28/12/2019 20:02

For reasons I can't go into (because it would make my identity very vulnerable to exposure) I have just thirty-six hours to decide whether or not to have an abortion. I'm just gone forty-four, the father's fifty-two, we're together a couple of years and both have kids by previous relationships.

The pros and cons mainly centre around the father rather than the baby. The main problem is that this man does not have his economic situation in order AT ALL and I am justifiably frightened of being catapulted back into poverty which I've worked very hard to get out of. He has a serious streak of irresponsibility running through his behaviour and consequently his life, and if I am to bring his baby into the world I will be unavoidably anchored to him forever, financial chaos and all.

It does not stop with money either; there are other chaotic patterns at play. Mountains of unpaid parking tickets resulting in legal penalties and fines, no steady employment, sleeping on his brothers sofa etc etc. Reading this must sound like I'm in the worst relationship on earth, but the upside is that he's hillariously funny, very sexy and a very enjoyable man to have around when serious joint responsibility hasn't entered the fray. But now it has... and I have never been more torn in my life. Any thoughtful, considered advice would be very welcome.

p.s. No salt in the wound please, I am already very well aware that getting pregnant in these circumstances was a major irresponsibility of my own!

OP posts:

Janaih · 28/12/2019 21:58

@ScaredStiff101 ah I did wonder after I posted if you have grown up children. Still, don't underestimate the impact it will have on your relationship with them.

I have a toddler and a young adult (at uni). Its hard work!
If you cant face a termination though(and I don't think I could), theres your answer.

MakeMineALargeProsecco · 28/12/2019 22:09

OP, if you don't mind me asking, how far along are you?

It's sad to say that in your 40's, there's a 50/50 chance of miscarriage, so Mother Nature may sadly decide for you.

I hope things work out for you.

Original poster

ScaredStiff101 · 28/12/2019 22:22

Thank you very much for your kindness, I really do appreciate it. I'm a few weeks off the end of the first trimester. I absolutely hate saying this but I would honestly welcome a miscarriage at this point. At least it wouldn't have the guilt of personal responsibility attached to it.

OP posts:

MakeMineALargeProsecco · 28/12/2019 22:37

I had a MMC in my 40's - it's sadly more common for older women. I only found out at 12 weeks.

I really feel for you, what a tough decision.

You will never be 100% sure, only sure enough.

Anthilda · 28/12/2019 23:17

Oh I feel so sad you are in this predicament, not an easy one at all. If you say you feel sad about possibly having abortion do you think you may regret it? It sounds as though you would be the one doing everything, and starting all over again with a new baby would be hard. Not an easy decision in the slightest

Onacleardayyoucansee · 28/12/2019 23:25

Does he have good relationships with his existing children?

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 28/12/2019 23:27

It sounds like you have a good job - if you kept the baby would him staying at home with it be an option?

Jesskir89 · 28/12/2019 23:32

Op personally I wouldn't abort just because of finances, but saying that there's not many reasons I can't think of where I would abort so I guess I'm not much help but what I'm trying to say is you need to make sure the decision is right for you. Good luck x

Original poster

ScaredStiff101 · 29/12/2019 00:06

Thank you all very much. And yes, he has very good relationships with his children and they all obviously adore him.

OP posts:

Jesskir89 · 30/12/2019 11:41

Op did you make a decision? Hope you're ok

Original poster

ScaredStiff101 · 30/12/2019 12:31

Thank you Jesskir89. Not yet, and I have just a couple of hours to go. :(

OP posts:

ClientListQueen · 30/12/2019 12:32

This is really stupid but try flipping a coin. Before it lands, you know in your heart what you want. It might help

Redrosesandsunsets · 30/12/2019 12:35

If you’re doubting it because of the baby and knowing you will always regret it, then listen to that inner thought/feeling and don’t do it.
The finances and boyfriend/father of child can be worked through and sorted but your baby cannot be brought back, or the abortion undone.

DirtyDeeds · 30/12/2019 13:35

Good luck OP. I probably wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy with all factors in but it can only ever be your decision. Whatever you choose will be the right decision, and no regrets.

Merename · 30/12/2019 14:16

@ScaredStiff101, sending warmest wishes and thing of you. I agree with redroses. Financial issues can be overcome, although I understand the fear. Is someone with you, whatever your decision?

LH1987 · 30/12/2019 14:28

Good luck OP, I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the correct one.

Jesskir89 · 30/12/2019 18:15

Op I hope you're OK whatever you decided.

Original poster

ScaredStiff101 · 02/01/2020 22:21

Hi everyone, I want to say thank you for your support and to let you know what's happening. I've decided to have the baby as I just can't live with doing anything else. Every time I thought about aborting I put myself into a state of emotional distress and realised finally that yes, a baby's for life, but so is guilt and regret and I know which I'd rather live with forever.

Also to any woman who may be reading this while struggling with an unplanned pregnancy, or finds herself struggling with one in the future, please remember this: it's good to talk to your friends but remember they're not trained counsellors.

I have some great friends and I'm blessed to have them but I have realised that I've been absorbing a lot of their negative projections in recent weeks. They have rehashed every conceivable negative angle to the point where there wasn't a spark of light to be seen anywhere in this situation and it has affected my state of mind quite significantly. I should have been talking to a trained counsellor who'd help me explore the pros and cons in equal balance and that's what I'd advise any other woman to do.

Thank you all again for your support and happy new year!

OP posts:

SparkleUK · 02/01/2020 22:26

At the end of the day OP, it's what you in your heart want and are happy with as only you have to live with your decisions or can deal with the consequences.
As long as you're happy, then that's the main thing! Congratulations then on your little one and hope all goes smoothly for you

Jesskir89 · 02/01/2020 23:00

Op congratulations on your baby and all the best through your pregnancy I'm glad you made a decision right for you x

june2007 · 02/01/2020 23:46

You make it sound like he got you pregnant as if it was a mutual action. If it was then it, no longer a he then a we. You say he wants this baby. I would say the fact you walked aout of an abortion cliic and he wants it is good enough reason to keep baby.

Redrosesandsunsets · 07/01/2020 13:27

Congrats OP. It sounds like you’ve made a good decision and genuinely I feel happy for you. Life has its ups and downs which will always be that way (and we all live with that) but you will have your baby/child and never have that regret. All the best to you and your family.

crosstalk · 07/01/2020 19:21

I'm glad for you. Now get the future sorted for you and your child with or without your partner. Good luck, brave choice.

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