Boyfriend giving mixed signals about trying for a baby?!

[AshleeDrake]

Ok so to cut a long story short since early on in our relationship my boyfriend was always vocal about wanting more children (he has one from a previous relationship & is still in the process of a long messy custody hearing to gain visitation rights to her!) We have spoken about what we would call our son, he has mentioned getting me pregnant in a joke more than once. Has mentioned such things during sex etc all of these comments had lead me to building the courage to stop pretending like I am not baby ready & to finally sit down with him & tell him I want to try for a baby however I do this thing where sometimes I am anxious about my feelings that I vocalise them as opposite to what they are yes I know it’s stupid & ineffective & I’m working on not doing it anymore (it’s been going well until the other night!) A reminder popped up on my phone to put in my repeat prescription for the pill to which my bf saw & asked me if I was still taking it, I told him yes & he said “good we don’t need no drama!” I laughed it off but his words hurt a little but there came my anxiety towards my feelings causing me to say the dumbest of things which was “yeah I would freak out if that happened.” (Meaning a baby which honestly I wouldn’t at all!) he simply replied “I would freak out too.” Now I don’t even want to tackle my anxiety around voicing my feelings on this subject because now I’m confused as to how he will react. I thought he was equally as ready as I am because of the things he says & does. After speaking to my sister she told me that perhaps he was matching my energy because he believed that’s where I am at & in fact the whole conversation was his way of testing the water to see if I am baby ready myself... I know I need to stop over thinking & just have the damn conversation with him which I will but I wanted to see what you guys think of his mixed signals & if you had any idea of the best way to approach this conversation in a way that doesn’t imply I see him as a baby making machine, I want to approach the idea without panicking him or putting pressure on it if that makes sense. I’ve seen my friends husbands who want children change their minds because they feel pressured into it.

If he's just your boyfriend, why are you even considering a baby?? I can only tell you this....he's giving you mixed signals because he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear (he'd like a baby with you) but then also letting you know that he doesn't want one really.

It's a sign of deep immaturity on his part. He's not ready....and unless you're financially stable with a home of your own and married, you'd be MAD to get pregnant with him.

Oh and just to let you know...I don't even believe in marriage. But the UK law does nothing to protect unmarried Mothers. Nothing. So without marriage, women are often in a terribly vulnerable position.

You haven’t said how long you’ve been together. Do you live together? What’s your financial position?

Like you said OP you need to have a proper conversation with him. You cannot decide he is ready to have a baby with you from passing comments he has made during sex!

Until he has visitation sorted and is meeting those commitments, I wouldn’t even consider having sex with him using anything but two types of contraceptives, TBH.

Now I don’t even want to tackle my anxiety around voicing my feelings on this subject because now I’m confused as to how he will react.

Erm... why do you care how he will react? It is a conversation you want and are surely entitled to have with the person you sleep with. Voicing your feelings should not be a matter of concern. If it is, then worth re-evaluating the relationship before thinking about children. With my boyfriend it went pretty much like this: I informed him I was ready to give a serious try to the relationship and move in together. After a year or so, I would have wanted to start trying for children. I knew already i wanted more than one (and not willing to compromise on children). I then let him decide whether he was ready to join me in the journey or whether he did not feel ready/ready with me. No drama. Very clear decision to be made. No possible misunderstandings years down the line.

If he is just your " boyfriend" it's not time to plan a baby.

Question for people saying that you should not have babies with your "boyfriend".

I'm not a native speaker so I'm a bit confused. I live with my boyfriend and do not want to get married. I most certainly consider him family and want children with him. We share money 100% and we spend all our free time together. I still call him "my boyfriend" when talking about him with people who do not know his name. Would there be a more appropriate way to call him?

@BillHadersNewWife @stellabelle
Can I ask where does it state in the book of life that to have a child you need to be married?
This is not what the OP question was.

Me and my partner aren't married but were having a child.

How long have you been together?

Lalla525 There's nothing wrong with 'boyfriend' if that's the term you prefer, however 'partner' would make it clearer to new people that you are talking about a man with whom you have a long term relationship, and share a home. 'Boyfriend' is a more generic term and often means someone you are seeing exclusively, but don't yet share your life with.

I agree with the boyfriend comments, me and my partner (who I also call my boyfriend) are having a baby. We have been together 6 years, own a home together, both have good careers. We aren't married because we simply can't justify the cost. I think it's a bit outdated to assume if you aren't married, 'you shouldn't even think of children'.

On the baby front, if you're sure it's what you want and it's definitely with him you need to sit down with him and discuss it. My partner and I knew we wanted kids, but honestly even when I came off of the implant we weren't really sure it's what we wanted soon. It was all very over whelming. Luckily we fell pregnant quickly and we're over the moon, but It has to be an open and honest discussion between you both. Not only will your lives, and relationship, change your potentially starting someone's else's life... it's not something to think on a whim.

First off you don't need to be married to have a child with someone 🙈 there are many many couples who never get married but stay together for all of their life!

Back to the original question though op you just need to sit down with him and be open and honest. I've seen this plenty of times before that couples are not honest with how they feel and what they want and then a child ends up being brought into it and the man then bogs off/or it causes tensions and it ends up a huge mess..

As others have asked how long have you been together and are you living together or is this something that would have to happen if you got pregnant.

Untill you have a Conversation with him you are not going to know what's to happen next.

If you can't communicate effectively and honestly between the two of you about what you want and need from each other and life, then no, you two aren't ready to have a baby.

It sounds like he assumed you weren’t taking the pill? So in my opinion you weren’t getting mixed signals, only one and that was he would be happy to have a baby. Perhaps he was a little taken aback that you were still on contraception. I think have that talk and find out where both of you stand and want. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together if you both want the same thing and you certainly don’t need to be married :)

Just tell him straight how you’re feeling. Either he’s ready, in which case great, or he’s not, in which case it’s better to know. Bear in mind that a baby can put huge emotional stress on a relationship so if you can’t communicate honestly and openly now then that’s something you may want to work on first!

It’s also worth thinking about finances and how you’re going to fund maternity leave (if applicable) and budget for the baby things as a lot of people find they need to save for a bit first. Often men seem to worry more about that side of things so he might be more likely to feel ready if you’ve done a bit of planning together first!

An indication of what he may be like as a father, is how he acts with his previous partner and child. This could be you in a few years. If you cannot have a conversation now about a life changing thing, don't even think about having a child

Yes there are loads of couples who never get married and stay together all of their lives.

There are also lots more women whose boyfriend/partner whatever pisses off and leaves them for their secretary or whatever - if these women are not married and are reliant on the man for finances they are basically fucked. This is why MN is so keen on women being married before having kids. They will not be entitled to anything financially if this happens and I have seen it happen many times. It's nothing to do with being 'proper' or whatever.

I didn't get married until DS was 3 but we were pretty evenly matched financially - I'm actually the better off so in that case it's not an issue.

If you can't talk open and frankly and are playing games about what each other mean then it isn't time to have a baby. You need to think about your living situation and most definitely finances - do you get maternity pay? Would you go back to work full time or not at all? Again if you don't it brings in the issues mentioned above. You need to talk about childcare - costs of this etc.

You sound about 17 the pair of you - what do you want? Then tell him that. It needs to match to mean you have a future ahead of you. The custody battle thing would put me right off to be honest and I would want all of that sorted before bringing another child into the mix.

He’s not currently a dad to his existing child and until contact is properly established I wouldn’t respect him considering a replacement baby at all. Has he ever had a proper role seeing and parenting this child? How old are they?

If you want a baby you need to be mature enough to have a proper conversation about it. Dropping hints, talking to your sister to second guess him, not feeling you can you be open about you want, all signs you’re not ready at all.

Take the pill properly. Double up and use condoms if there’s a chance you’re not taking it exactly as you have to to make it work. Don’t risk getting pregnant and abandoned because he’ll blame you and bugger off leaving you on your own with it.

And if this is typical of the way the two I’d communicate, reconsider if he’s really the man who’ll make you happy. You’ll have a series of big decisions to make if you’re going to spend your lives together and if you can sit down and talk about them then it’s not a healthy dynamic.

Ok so I wasn’t expecting such a response, to answer a few of your questions. We’ve been together for seven years. As far as either of us are concerned we are life partners but I don’t believe in marriage (having watch my mother fail at that three times as a child!)

We can talk openly & honestly about anything. I know that however I struggle to voice my emotions & feelings due to the way in which I was raised & it has nothing to do with my partner at all. Anytime I have spoken up to voice my feelings & explained how long it’s taken me due to my anxiety he always tells me we can talk about anything & that I shouldn’t have anxiety when it comes to us/speaking to him. He’s the most kind & caring person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Like I said the anxiety is my issue in which I have spent years working on, it’s not something that’s created by him or because of him.

As for his child... he had an active role in her life until two years ago. His ex stopped him seeing their child when a mutual friend told her about me. She doesn’t want him to be happy without her in his life & is using their child as a weapon. Previously to this his little girl was a daddy’s girl & he’s an amazing dad. (Due to how things are with his ex I haven’t met his child as neither of us wanted to confuse his child or let me meet her with her mother being okay with it & we were both aware she wouldn’t be.) I’m aware that some of you may say well how do you know he’s an amazing father if you haven’t seen him interacting with his child. When his child used to come & stay every other weekend I would leave our home for the weekend & visit my parents who live a distance away however we’d be in contact. He adores her it’s clear for anyone to see & would move heaven & earth for her. His battle to see her is way too long and complicated For mumsnet. I’ve seen him with our nephews & nieces & with our friends children also.

Perhaps my post was worded incorrectly but that was due to a racing brain caused by my anxiety. We are both financially stable although he does earn more than me, I still earn a significant amount of money to afford both my own living & a child.

My question wasn’t about if we can afford it etc all i was really trying to do was calm my anxiety down & was hoping for like minded people who have struggled with anxiety to tell me to stop being an idiot & voice my feelings in all reality. I’m quite dumbfounded by how negative most of the replies have been & how marriage is such an important matter to most on here. I thought mumsnet was a nice platform seems i was wrong!

He isn't giving mixed signals, OP. He made a few jokes and had the ' what would we call our theoretical baby' chat. He has given no signs he wants to try for a baby. In fact, by showing relief that you were getting your contraception renewed, he is clearly telling you that he is't ready.

How ridiculous are the 'have to be married' comments. Get a grip!!

I have been with my partner for 10 years, we are expecting our first baby in a house we own both with stable jobs. How ridiculous to assume that you have to be married to have a baby!! (by the way- we have no plans to get married).

Pink because MOST women's careers take a hit when they have a baby, it's sensible to be married first. If you're in a position where you have enough income and security to parent without your partner, good for you.

Many don't. The law in the UK does not help unmarried Mothers if they split from their partners. Not in terms of property or money.

OP....7 years is long enough. If he doesn't want a baby now....after all this time, he won't want one in a year, or two or three. I'd be thinking pretty hard if I were you.