Boyfriend giving mixed signals about trying for a baby?!

[AshleeDrake]

Ok so to cut a long story short since early on in our relationship my boyfriend was always vocal about wanting more children (he has one from a previous relationship & is still in the process of a long messy custody hearing to gain visitation rights to her!) We have spoken about what we would call our son, he has mentioned getting me pregnant in a joke more than once. Has mentioned such things during sex etc all of these comments had lead me to building the courage to stop pretending like I am not baby ready & to finally sit down with him & tell him I want to try for a baby however I do this thing where sometimes I am anxious about my feelings that I vocalise them as opposite to what they are yes I know it’s stupid & ineffective & I’m working on not doing it anymore (it’s been going well until the other night!) A reminder popped up on my phone to put in my repeat prescription for the pill to which my bf saw & asked me if I was still taking it, I told him yes & he said “good we don’t need no drama!” I laughed it off but his words hurt a little but there came my anxiety towards my feelings causing me to say the dumbest of things which was “yeah I would freak out if that happened.” (Meaning a baby which honestly I wouldn’t at all!) he simply replied “I would freak out too.” Now I don’t even want to tackle my anxiety around voicing my feelings on this subject because now I’m confused as to how he will react. I thought he was equally as ready as I am because of the things he says & does. After speaking to my sister she told me that perhaps he was matching my energy because he believed that’s where I am at & in fact the whole conversation was his way of testing the water to see if I am baby ready myself... I know I need to stop over thinking & just have the damn conversation with him which I will but I wanted to see what you guys think of his mixed signals & if you had any idea of the best way to approach this conversation in a way that doesn’t imply I see him as a baby making machine, I want to approach the idea without panicking him or putting pressure on it if that makes sense. I’ve seen my friends husbands who want children change their minds because they feel pressured into it.

It's very sensible to be married if having kids

Or take all the other steps to legally protect yourself.

Joint mortgage/tenancy
Have wills done. They can be changed without the others consent, but if your husband did that it would be easier to contest as his wife, so check often they are still relevant.

Ensure both pensions are at the same level. Savings are equally accessible (though one could empty the account)

You dont have to be married. But you need to be protected and marriage is the simplest form.

OP, you have been together 7 years and wonr even talk about wether you want a baby or not?

As a divorced woman now expecting a baby with my partner (who I am not married to), I can assure you that in 2019 (almost 2020), you do NOT need to be married to have a child together. What an outdated viewpoint.
With the divorce rate as high as it currently is, I think it's far more important to ensure both parents are on the same page and the child is happy and well looked after in a loving home. You don't need marriage for that!

How did this thread go off on such a moral tangent? OP, talk to your partner and decide what and when is right for you both.

How do you know he's an 'amazing dad'?

How did this thread go off on such a moral tangent?

I can’t see anyone talking about morality. I do see lots of people giving helpful advice on what potential legal pitfalls marriage (a legal contract) could negate.

@paperbackblighter which would be really helpful if that's what the OP had asked!

Focusing only on anxiety, I totally get how it's easy to fixate on things or twist them into something it's not and instead of tackling the issue head on, it can turn into head spinning which you then over analyse and hope to get validation from lots of people over; except the main person/s involved!

I think you just need to take some time to speak to him properly, it won't be easy but it needs to be done so you know where you both are, you can gauge so much more from an honest conversation rather than passing comments or jokes. Don't make it into a big scary chat, just ask your OH if you can talk about something you've been thinking about, maybe over dinner so there's not a massive fixation on just the chat. There are ways to word it so you're not saying 'oh my god, I want a child right now', but wondering where you both are with it, would he be happy to try or is it better to wait until his own situation is stable too (remember, if his ex is using the child as a weapon, her finding out you're having one together is more ammo for her to use e.g 'oh look, you're being replaced' as I have seen many times

Hope you get sorted but it is something after such a long time together, you do need to know

In 7 years you have never met his child? In the time he did see her you pandered to his ex and left your home? Are you sure where you stand here?

After eleventy billion Mumsnet threads have explained why the legal protection of marriage is vital for a woman having a child, it's wearisome to see posters upthread bang on about morality and outdatedness and marriage being expensive.

it is nothing to do with morality or tradition and you don't need an expensive wedding. But you do need to consider how you and your child will be supported for the next 20 years and if your only thought is "I've got a job, I pay my own way, me!" you're unlikely to have thought through all the completely obvious things that might happen.

just get married, or do all the other legal stuff mentioned above, and you'll find in the course of these practical discussions his attitude to children will become clear.

@AshleeDrake

I thought mumsnet was a nice platform seems i was wrong!

Nice? Possibly not. But helpful? Definitely. You've been given some very good advice here by PP and you'd do well to heed that.

which would be really helpful if that's what the OP had asked!

Discussions evolve and topics broaden.

If someone posts to say “my smoke alarm is ringing, can anyone tell me how to stop it because I can’t see the instructions with all of this pesky smoke clouding my view?” it is likely that several people would advise the OP to forget about the ringing and get out of the house, despite not being asked to.

Sel I assume you're in full time work with savings and own your own home then?

In 7 years you haven’t met his child. Every time he had her you left your shared home and he pretended you didn’t exist. For 5 of those years his ex thought he was single and he wasn’t able to be honest. You haven’t ever seen them together so you don’t have a clue what he’s like as a dad. Playing with nieces and nephews who go home with their parents at the end of the day isn’t the same at all.

What steps has he taken in 2 years to have contact again?

I’m a stepmum. It has its challenges but one of the great advantages is I got to see my now husband being a dad and knew exactly how he was with his kids, got to know them well, became a part of their lives and we created a strong stable family unit into which we then brought our baby daughter. They were so happy when we told them I was pregnant they jumped up and down and my DSD cried and said she’d always wanted a baby sibling. They’re fantastic with her and she’s lucky to have them, our family feels better and everyone is happy. Because we put the time in beforehand to build bonds and get to know and love each other first.

If you get pregnant your partner’s child is going to find out they’re becoming an older sibling and the baby’s mum is a stranger to them. Not only do they no longer see their dad, he now has a shiny new baby living with him and a random woman 24/7. If you think things are complicated now they’re going to get a whole lot worse. If mum is resentful you exist and preventing contact she’s going to flip her lid when she hears about a new baby in the mix.

All I can say is wow!

@JKScot4 I haven’t met his child as his ex uses her as a weapon & although he’s wanted me to meet her & was very clear on the fact, we wanted to have his visitation rights legally binding before hand so that his ex couldn’t stop him from seeing her & before we could get that all sorted via court etc his ex found out that he was in a serious relationship with me & low & behold she stopped him from seeing his little one. It’s now an on going family court issue. See when you love someone you want them to be happy & sometimes that means doing things you wouldn’t normally do or don’t like doing for example leaving your home every other weekend so he can see his child without the stress that it may be the last time. I know exactly where I stand in our relationship, I am involved in everything else relating to his family & he’s involved with everything else involving my family. His parenting situation is rather difficult & unique & rather than add stress to a extremely stressful situation I chose to do whatever I could to lift stress from his shoulders & aid him/support him.

@SparkleUK THANK YOU! This was the sort of advice I was asking for & needed! Someone who understands anxiety & how illogical it can be & how it often makes no sense whatsoever & is almost always unfounded. We will be having a sit down with a meal as you suggested when he’s back from working away after the new year & see what the timeline looks like for each of us then find some compromise! I believe he wants us to start a family but due to his situation with his little girl he’s also fearful & nervous. So I think the whole thing leaves him torn which is understandable. I couldn’t imagine having half of me walking this planet & now being able to love her & spend time with her through no fault of my own, it amazes me how he functions everyday & hasn’t let this situation destroy him! I admire his strength & resilient nature! I pray for the next court hearing to be our last with a happy ending!

Unless you’re at a point where you can both talk openly and honestly, you’re not ready for a child.

his ex uses her as a weapon

Of course she does 🙄

It all sounds a bit confusing tbh. In seven years you haven't met his child, your relationship was a total secret from everyone and you had to leave your house all weekend every other week for 5 years.

How old is his child?

If you can't talk about your future and where you are going with regards to starting a family after 7 years together then you shouldn't be starting a family.
Talk to him tell him you want a baby, get the conversation started. If he's adamant that he doesn't want one then at least you know where you stand. Having a conversation can't be as anxiety inducing as not knowing what you can or can't do in your life.

You’re so sure you’re right, that he’s a victim, she’s a scheming bitch and it’s the two of you against the world you crack on love. Have a baby. See what sort of dad he is. What impact being replaced has on his child - who by your reckoning has an awful manipulative mother he should really be saving her from And you’ll find that he either stops bothering to pursue contact with his child as he’s all wrapped in the baby, in which case he’s disgraceful, or that he’s preoccupied with losing his child, having a baby reminds him what he’s missed out on, and you’ll be on your own parenting as he’ll remind you you were the one who wanted it and you’ll have to manage.

Good luck. You’re going to need it. Nothing anyone else says will change your mind even though many of us have more experience than you do and you’d benefit from actually listening.

Perhaps you can write down your feelings or make a list and then both go through them.

If you can't have a proper conversation about having a baby, you shouldn't be having a baby.

Trying to guess what he wants from his 'signals' is childish and ridiculous. You need to grow up before you procreate.

If you don't believe in marriage, get a civil partnership. Gives you all of the legal protections of marriage without the label.

Mumsnet doesn't tend to do nice at the expense of honest advice, OP. Posters here have given you good advice, even if it's not what you wanted to hear.

Jeez, she can't force him to get married! Lay off her. Like she's not feeling enough is going on right now?

You don't know the full ins and outs as to why he's struggling so much to have visitation rights with his existing child. You might think you know the full story but you don't. Why would you be considering a baby with someone who has already got one but things are a mess?

Can't you at least give it a few years?

Also op wouldn't it be better if you focused on dealing with your anxiety before having a child or even ttc (both of which can be extremely stressful).

I've had severe anxiety in the past so I do understand the condition. If I were you I'd make trying to resolve it the priority, perhaps with counselling. Would arguably be fairer on any future children you do go on to have.

my anxiety towards my feelings causing me to say the dumbest of things which was “yeah I would freak out if that happened.” (Meaning a baby which honestly I wouldn’t at all!) he simply replied “I would freak out too.”

You said you'd freak; he agreed. He could very well not mean it either, he could have been copying you... to be honest, it doesn't sound like either of you can communicate well enough to have a baby yet: and I mean that in the nicest way. You need to be able to talk to him and he needs to be able to be honest with you. I hope you find something that brings your anxiety under control.