How did you tell your family you are pregnant? Terrified to tell my dad.

[Paranoid1stTimer]

This is pretty sad as I am 30 yrs old but my dad was in his 40s when I was born and has always been pretty staunch and has high Christian morals (but isn't too forgiving) and I am terrified of telling him I am pregnant. It is really putting a dampener on things as my partner's family will be over the moon (we know cos they're always asking why we don't get a move on). We are engaged but not married and I will not marry until I am ready. Some people will prob think this is stupid as what bigger commitment is there than having a child together but we really wanna get married abroad but haven't wanted to spend thousands of ££s on a wedding as we are pretty strapped for cash and felt time can wait for a wedding but not for babies. Anyway, the other problem is my mum died suddenly a couple of months ago which was very traumatic for the whole family. I literally spoke to her on the Tuesday night and she was fine apart from sounding a bit tired, took a stroke later that night and she was dead on the Saturday. It was the worst time of our lives.

Now I feel this baby is a blessing as I had a miscarriage VERY early on not long after my mum died and now am pregnant again (which was a bit of a surprise as we had only decided to start trying again). It took us a while to get pregnant in the first place and I am almost 12 weeks so we want to start telling people but I feel sick with worry that my dear old dad will totally disown me and I couldn't bear it especially since he is so down and seems so alone now.

Any advice would be so great as I seriously don't know anyone else personally who has this problem. Everyone else married/unmarried/single/young/old have had their families rally round them and be overjoyed when they announced they were pregnant. To add to it, my sister in law is pregnant - which is fine with my dad cos they are married - and my brother is the favourite in the family (I am not feeling sorry for myself by the way - I have known and accepted this for many years so I am just stating a fact) so I am worried my dad will already have his first grandchild on the way so it might make it all the easier for him to tell me I am a disgrace on his Christian morals and that he doesn't want owt to do with me/our much loved and anticipated baby...

Please help with some words of wisdom - I am sure I aint alone in this. By the way, I am also pretty depressed just now which is not helping and the hormones and still grieving the loss of my mother are making me crazy...

Sorry for the HUGE 1st post but I am at my wits end and I want to be positive for my unborn child and my partner's sakes...

Thanks so much for your help xx

Hi. I'm really sorry about your mum. i can identify with your problem. I didn't tell my Dad until I was 5 months pregnant mainly because I was too terrified. Although he isn't a christian, he has an overwhelming work ethic and has always expected me to be a high achiever. When i got pregnant young and just before I was due to start a postgrad course, to a man he'd never even met (we hadn't been together very long ) I thought he would disown me completely. He is not particularly demonstrative and at the time he barely reacted, but in the years since he has been a completely unexpected source of emotional support and is a loving grandad to my DCs. We lost my mum years ago and I think it is partly that that's made dad more receptive to my family. It is hard but you can't avoid telling him. You can only hope that he will feel blessed by having children in the family and be aware of the fact that you are in a loving and stable relationship. Also, don't stress yourself out. i was in emotional turmoil over exactly this for the first months of my pregnancy and looking back I wish i had just been able to relax and enjoy my baby growing!!

Thanks so much for your kindness. I have been on this board looking for help for a while but today I only plucked up the courage to actually post and I was worried in case you all just thought I was being stupid. Your words really hit home to me and I just hope my father will be a little more tolerant as just now I do feel family is so important but I have always been shocked by how unpredictable he can be.

I hope your little un has brought you happiness and I am so glad to hear your dad is a great grandad now. Maybe I will be posting a message like yours so someone in my position in the future... I suppose there's no point in worrying about it but it is hard. Worrying seems to be my biggest pastime at the mo.

Thank you so much

It may be the case that he has assumed since long ago that you and your boyfriend are already family, and as such he may be overjoyed of knowing there's a little one coming in regardless of you being married or not.

There is not much that a grandfather won't forgive at the sight of his grandchild.

Well presumably you live with your partner and your dad knows this. He must also know that you don't sleep in single beds. How did he take the news about you both living together?

Did anyone know about the miscarriage?

I think you should tell him on his own, both of you, but don't go in all gloomy. Tell him like you expect him to be overjoyed for you. If you expect him to be cross and unforgiving then he probably will be, but if you expect him to be full of congratulations and happy for you then he is more likely to do that ifkwim.

Good luck.

You poor thing. Congratulations first of all.

I think you should prepare for the worst (i.e. your dad deciding he doesn't like it) but hope for the best, which is that he congratulates you and is delighted at the prospect of a grandchild. Agree with DJ about the attitude, you're pleased so expecty him to be pleased for you too.

I'm sorry about your mum.

My mum was furious with me when I got pregnant with ds1. But she did come round in the end, and the minute she saw him, she never said I had made a mistake again.

your dad will appreciate you telling him, my pil are strict cristians and my dp didnt tell them till our dd was 1week
they were disappointed we hadnt said anything earlier!

if he doesnt like the idea to start with your little baby will change his mind!
and i dont blame you for not getting married my sd tried pushing me to marry i said i didnt want to just because i was having a baby and stick by it!

involve him with scans helping out cot up etc he will get used to the idea

sorry to hear about your mum, know you are worried but maybe go round and see your dad, take a scan picture etc and hopefully he will be happy too, i am sure he will be pleased at a new arrival in the family.

i got preg with ds1 when i was at university, my mum was livid and despite being christian and church going herself, she wanted me to have an abortion, i mean REALLY wanted me to have an abortion in the end my dad told her to shut up about it and said as long as dp and i were happy that was what mattered, we are still together ds1 is 8, we have two other children and are expecting no 4

i am just 13wks, have told dp's family and will tell mine soon, i am expecting my mum to be negative again, as she thought i was mad when i had no 3, ah well, they love them once they arrive

sorry thats a long ramble, but i know although i was very upset by my mums reaction, but my dad really suprised me with how positive he was and he adores all three of the boys

I know its easier said than done but try not to worry! It is difficult not to dwell on what might happen. Everything will seem a lot better once it is out in the open - I agree that it's a good idea to try and get your dad involved, show him scan picture etc. Let him see how delighted you are to be having a baby! Good luck with everything x

Thank you all for the advice. Much appreciated indeed.

I was worried about sounding like such an idiot with my pathetic post. No one knows about the mc apart from my partner but it was really early on so we just tried to be positive that we didn't get attached or anything but it was horrible.

I really like the idea of going in all upbeat because we ARE really happy and this baby is very much wanted. My partner is very unhappy at how my father has this kind of "hold" over me. He's not a bad man - just very stubborn and opinionated.

Good idea bout the scan pic as well - I think I will definitely do that. I hope my emotions don't get out of hand. Thank you all so very much for your understanding. Not all message boards are!

I just wanted to say it might not be as bad as you think, and even if he doesn't show it, inside he may well be delighted (especially if he's going to be a Grandpa for the first time).

Circumstances around my first pg were less than ideal in my parents eyes, but their acceptance and support blew me away - I just hadn't expected it. My dad is a bit, er, Victorian, shall we say.

Its just one of those things that you are going to have to do. Take a deep breath and spill the beans.

Good luck with telling your father, your pg and beyond!

My dad, if he'd still been alive, would have brought a shotgun to the wedding regardless! He never got to meet DH and DS was born shortly after what would have been my dads 100th birthday - I was a very late in life arrival
Dads are always wanting to protect their daughters and try and believe that they are still their little girl for as long as possible.
Becoming a mum yourself rather puts an end to the little girl thing. Be glad that he is still with you and encourage him into his new role of grandpa.

Paranoid, my sympathies all round.
Just to let you know, when I was pg with dd my dad was mean, horrible, nasty and childesh about me. Even at 3 months (by which time he'd known for 6 weeks!) he'd tell me how it wasn't too late to have a termination. He said some really awful things about me to my brothers and their wives, and to some of our other relatives. Depp, deep down part of me won't ever forget the way he was, but the pointof what I'm saying is that HE has forgotten cos he absolutely adores my children. He extended the olive branch when I was around 8mths by buying a (hideous!) babygrow and when she was born he loved her to bits. (I made sure to put her in said babygrow a couple of times even though it was horrendous!)
So whatever your dad says/does, just ride with it. Let him say what he has to say but don't let it bother you or your dp. If your dad has to vent, then so be it. But I am sure he will adore the baby by the time it comes along.
Also, keep telling yourself, "I am a grown up", cos you are! You are well and truly old enough to make your own decisions and take responsibility for yourself.
Good luck!!

Hey Paranoid...CONGRATULATIONS on your pg. That is wonderful news . I have no idea how your Dad will react, you know him best but people continue to suprise so who knows how he will take it. I guess I would try what a couple of people have already said and go into it positively. If you anticipate a negative reaction from him he will pick that up and it almost gives him the ok to react that way.

Keep it simple and honest and just tell him how you feel about it and not 'I know you're going to feel...I've been worried about telling you etc...'

Good luck. Really such lovely news for you both. Enjoy

Dear Paranoid, is it possible to give your Dad a bit of credit for not expecting absolutely everyone to live by his so-called moral standards? Maybe he will not be as shocked as you think?

The death of your mother has nothing to do with this. It is a separate issue for all of you.

Sometimes parents behave in a way we would never expect them to.

You cannot hide it from him and your pregnancy is something to be celebrated. Congratulations and let your Dad know as soon as possible, I'd say.

There are one or two mystifying things in your posts, but the strangest of all to me is saying that you want to go abroad to marry.

Why?

Why if you want to marry someone, would you want to do it a distance away from your normal life? Is your partner a foreign national?

If you want a lovely holiday abroad, why can't that be your honeymoon?

Sorry if have missed anything, haven't read every one of your posts.

Paranoid, first of all congratulations on your pg and sorry about your mum. xx

I got pg aged 16, just a few months after leaving school with a not-so-brilliant partner (have since re-married). I was brought up a born again christian but I had strayed as all teenagers do. I had always been the mature one with a good mature head on her shoulders up to that point and my parents were so disappointed in me but they stuck with me and supported me through it all. I had always been a daddys girl and it took a long time for him to get over it but as soon as DS came along, he fell in love with him. Even though DS (and now DD1) have a 'biological' dad, my Dad has been their father figure ever since the word go - its amazing what effect babies can have on a situation! They worship the ground each other walks on!

Fast forward to five years ago - I had divorced and shortly afterwards met my childhood sweetheart. We were madly in love and got pg within a few months - I was dreading telling my parents and thought they would disown me as it wasn't as if I was an irresponsible teenager, I was a grown woman! I miscarried at 10 weeks with that pg . They were more upset that I thought they were going to disown me than the pg itself but were there two weeks later when we got married.

Fast forward again to last year - we got pg (by surprise) but m/c'd again in the October at 10 weeks and were devastated. Mum and Dad were there for us through it all.

Now to the present time (finally!) and I am now 30. My DH has always suffered from depression and anxiety and as a result hasn't worked for the past 6 years - I have always been the breadwinner and my parents have had to support us as a family financially. Well, I got pg again just about the same time as DH had a major breakdown (a surprise again!). It was at this point that I had to tell my parents about this pg and again, I thought it would just tear our relationships apart. Strangely, its my Mum who took it the worst, even though she is coming around now - its my Dad who is all excited and he was the first to feel baby move!!!

Sorry to go around the houses (DH loves that about me! ) but I just want to reassure you that it may take a little time but when your lo arrives, he won't be able to resist loving and caring for him/her, even if there is another grandchild! I agree that it might be a good idea to let him vent at first but that you are a grown woman. These things take time but you'll get there and you'll look back in years to come and wonder what you were worried about.

As far as Christian values go, I believe that God always turns bad situations around into good situations and brings something good out of it, it just takes time to see it. With a baby, there couldn't be anything more obvious - new life!

((hugs)) PLP xxx

(not saying you're in a bad situation, just that he might see it that way - my first scenario was a bad situation at first).

PLP (36 weeks) xxx

Paranoid1sttimer congratulations on your pregnancy

Every child is a blessing, so explain to your dad that even though he has his own views, which you respect, you have yours and are old enough to make your own descisions.

I'm very sorry you've lost your mum' its an awful lot to deal with as well as all the pregnancy hormones!!

You never know your dad might be thrilled and this could be just what everyone needs to lift their spirits.

Hope it goes ok xx

Paranoid- this might sound like a daft question (and I realise that for a lot of people it would be totally irrelevant) but does your Dad know that you plan to marry one day?

My parent, and my DH's parents, are strict Christians. Although we did not have children, we did move in together before we were married and that could have been a problem for them. I found that they were reassured by realising that we did plan to marry one day. For them, it changed things from us doing the 'wrong' thing to doing something which, whilst not in the ideal order, would all come right in the end.

I don't know if this is relevant you, and it might not factor into your dad's thinking, but it's just a thought....

I was terrified about telling my dad when i was pregnant - he's always been strict and wanted me to have a career and i was just finishing university when i found out i was pregnant and had only been with DP for 6 months. I told him on the phone and he said 'you stupid girl'. I said as calmly as i could - 'This is what dp and i want right now and i want you to be happy for me' and i hung up. My dad phoned back about an hour later saying that he was shocked but if this was what i wanted he would support me however he could. His disappointment hasn't been mentioned since and he loves being a grandpa. I'm now expecting DS2 and he's been really interested in the pregnancy, wanting to hear about all my check ups and demanding we don't tell him the sex (even though everyone else knows)! I hope things work out for you and whilst my dad's reaction really hurt me it's just a reminder of my dad wanting the best for me in life. xx

Once again, I am really grateful to you all for the advice - nice to know I aint the only one out there with a Victorian dad!!! We told my partner's immediate family this weekend and they were over the moon to say the least - it is so nice to give people good news and I am so happy they are all delighted. They can't understand my dad being anything but thrilled but I'm not gonna get my hopes up. I'm just gonna do what you all advise and go see him after the scan so I have "photos" to show him to make it more real and not just about me doing something he disapproves of.

He does know we intend to marry as we got engaged a few years back but he found it very hard to talk to me when we told him we were engaged - my mum was very happy but said he never really spoke much for a couple of days when we told them - but I just want him to be ok and don't want to give him a heart attack or anything!!! After all, he's my only parent now and I just want him to be happy. Maybe it WILL be all ok and I will have wasted all this time worrying. Who the he!! knows!?!?

As for the married abroad thing - not that it's really relevant - but we can't afford a huge wedding as we have to pay ourselves and aint rich by any means. Also, our extended families are massive and would have to all be invited so we don't put any noses out of joint. Unfortunately, not all the family members get along - at all - and some weddings have turned into "situations" shall we say that - pathetically sad - must have put a downer on the bride and groom's big day. Imagine paying all that money for a huge wedding EVERYONE can enjoy and be invited to, only for a fight to break out or something like that. People should be able to behave themselves without being selfish for one day and ruining someone's big day.

Anyway, thanks again - I am away to "get a pair" and tell my dad...

Hope it goes well - let us know how you get on?!

Hello P1stT

Hope it went okay with Victorian dad. So you know you're not alone, my dad patted me on the head when I told him about our happy event(literally - he is soooo repressed!), and when I spoke to him on the phone recently asked me 'how I was developing' - it's all sooo cringemaking.

Also he was holier than thou to frightening extremes when I got pg at age 16 and wanted a termination - Catholic. Since then he has run off with another woman!!!

And my brother and his girlfriend had massive row at our wedding and left early.

I could go on - basically family members can be awwfulll and imo dad's can be a nightmare.

But you are doing fine - you'll have lots of lovely people around you to love and support you so if you get grief off him just let it flow over you and smile sweetlyxxxxxx

Hi Paranoid1sttimer- I was scared to tell my dad, as he hadnt met my oyfirend, and we had only been going out for 4 mmths...and BF did a runner! He was shocked (im 37!), but took it well..and is now really looking fwd o being a grandad. Like you my mum died (although 17 years ago), so hes my only parent, and is really being a tower of support at the moment...I hope yours is too.
Congratulations again !!! xx

to the op. i havent read the rest of the treplies, so sorry if all this has been said before.
first of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!
secondl, i'm not sure why you are asking for advice? you ahve obviously decided what to do. and have made this decision a very very long time ago. you said it yourself, weddings can wait but babies cant.
you know you will be disappiointing you fther,but it is a decision you ahve already made. so dont now wimp out of it. if he is a loving father, then he will love youregardless, and will lov the grandchild regardless of legitimacy.
if however, you want to uphold his morals, then go to a registry office and get married. you dont need to spend thousands of pounds, not do you need to go abroad. a marriage is a legal bit of paper,and if it makes your dad happyier, and you are willing to do that, then do so.

i'm sorry, but to me this doesnt seem a huge problem. either get married, to make him happier, or dont, and trust thathe will love you regardless.