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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Best friend is going to therapy because I'm pregnant.

31 replies

erised · 17/12/2019 15:52

I've recently told my best friend that I am pregnant. She has a lot of issues concerning children, babies, pregnancy etc. Almost like a phobia of it all, she also suffers from PCOS and has fertility problems though she's said she never wants kids anyway. I was very scared to tell her about my pregnancy because of this. I talked to her in person today for the first time and she admitted that she had a breakdown after I told her and has been in a mentally rough place since, she's scared that she's going to lose me and that I'll become distant after baby is here or that she'll distance herself because of her issues. She's said that she's now considering going to therapy because of my pregnancy... I'm not sure how I should deal with this? I'm going to keep the baby talk to a minimum and probably only bring it up if she asks about it. What else can I do?

OP posts:

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PaddyF0dder · 17/12/2019 15:53

Sounds like a bit of an emotional vampire.

Janaih · 17/12/2019 15:56

I would leave her to her issues tbh. Fair enough get therapy but no need to tell you about it.
I don't think you are compatible as friends going forward. Shame but it happens.

Congratulations:)

CanIHaveADrink · 17/12/2019 15:56

Not a lot you can do.
What I would NOT do is

talk about baby/pregnancy all the time
ask her how her counselling is doing And become her counsellor on the subject.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2019 15:58

Wow. She sounds like very hard work. You are not responsible for how she feels about your pregnancy, and it's almost as though she expects you to feel some sort of guilt for having a baby. You may need to distance yourself from her for your own well-being.

Michette · 17/12/2019 15:58

Congrats on your pregnancy
It doesn’t sound like an ideal situation and it’s nice of you to be so considerate of your friends emotions. However it’s your life your pregnancy and your family and i don’t think you should yourself become ashamed of being pregnant or pretend you aren’t for her sake. It is truly a blessing and a special moment in life and i hope your friends therapy will help her accept it.
That being said you might want to reassure her that this baby will not harm your friendship and that she still means a lot to you and that you hope you nothing will change...

Good luck!

piperk · 17/12/2019 15:59

I would keep your distance. In addition this I would personally want to keep my baby away all sounds a bit odd to me.

nibdedibble · 17/12/2019 16:01

OP you will most likely become distant for a while after the baby's born. Babies most often take every last drop of energy for quite a while!

Is there any way you can gently prepare her for that, because if she's going to pull this sort of thing when you've got a newborn, you'll both be in therapy.

Sorry to sound flippant but I do agree that she sounds like an emotional vampire. I'm sorry she's been unwell but this is all mememememe and you shouldn't have to deal with that to this extent.

Babdoc · 17/12/2019 16:01

Therapy sounds an excellent idea, as she certainly has problems.
OP, see how it goes.
Many women find that, after they have a child, their friendships go through a realignment. They tend to spend more time with fellow mothers and less with childless friends, simply because their interests have diverged so far. The childless (unsurprisingly!) are not enthralled by lengthy discussions on nappy contents and breast feeding problems, and find it hard to adjust to the lack of spontaneity, once you always have to find a babysitter before meeting them for a fun night out etc.
That doesn’t mean this friendship will inevitably fade out, but given your friend’s comments, it very well might.

PanicAndRun · 17/12/2019 16:03

Well if she actually goes that shows she realises it's a problem, that she needs help and is taking steps to improve either for her own sake or for the sake of your friendship.

However if she sucks all the joy out of your pregnancy, makes it all about her etc you would be better off distancing yourself. For now wait and see .

babymummytobe · 17/12/2019 16:03

My best friend also wants nothing to do with me since I've become pregnant. I get the odd text, saying happy birthday or whatever. But that's it. She's in a tough place in her life right now and says she needs to look after herself. I'm not part of that equation, since I'm pregnant. I was before but I'm not now. What can you do ? It's heartbreaking really, but it's really about THEM and not about us. All you can do is try to understand that and keep your distance big time. Let her initiate contact with you. Don't reach out to her first. She might feel absolutely rubbish and triggered every time she reads your name on her phone.

Once she's over it- if she ever will be- and reaches out to you, you need to then decide if you want her in your life. If you can accept that she was having a hard time and just couldn't deal with you for her own reason - then perhaps you can still be friends. But you might not be able to accept that- and that's also OK.

Big hug. I know how much this hurts. I think about my friend all the time and I naturally blame myself for whatever I've 'done' to cause it. But I know rationally, this is NOT about me. It's not because of a flaw in me, but because of something going on with HER.

selmabear · 17/12/2019 16:04

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You'll have your hands full soon enough without having a friend who has some very strange personal issues. It sounds to me like she's making this pregnancy about her which really isn't fair on you. Go low contact from now on.

Original poster

erised · 17/12/2019 16:08

Thanks everyone. She definitely recognises that she has a problem and that my pregnancy has triggered the want to get help for it. She's said that she is happy for me and my husband and wishes us well but her mental health issues are getting in the way. I will try my best to stick with her to a certain extent as I have suffered with mental health issues myself and know that you cannot control them at all so I don't want to dump her when she needs help. I guess I will have to see how it all goes.

OP posts:

WaktiWapnasi · 17/12/2019 16:12

With the best will in the world you cant make this your problem. People have babies - she's going to have to find her peace with that, one way or the other. You didn't create these issues and there is zero you can do to resolve them for her.

Therapy sounds like a good thing but I have my doubts she'll actually go because, like others, I suspect she's an emotional vampire and needs the attention fixed on her so there is little motivation to get over it.

You don't deserve to have the joy sucked out of this experience and honestly, I think that's what will happen here. Distance yourself slowly (it'll happen once the baby is here anyway as newborns are all consuming) and let her get on with dealing with her own stuff.

peelingpaint · 17/12/2019 16:13

Oh I'm so sorry. This happened to me (though she was in ivf so did want babies) and it was awful. My baby is about to turn 3 and we've not spoken in maybe 2yrs. She's my older child's godmother and was his guardian in my will. It broke my heart and honestly there isn't a day that passes that I don't feel very sad about it. My poor son was very hurt too, which I don't know if I'll be able to forgive. Often huge moments in life mark endings of relationships you never thought would end. I hope she gets over it. But you'll be ok if not, and she will

Swirlygirl · 17/12/2019 16:18

Don’t ever let her make you feel guilty for being pregnant. Her mental health issues towards you being pregnant really is not your problem.

We struggled for ten years and had to do three rounds of ivf so I know what infertility pain can be like but id never say shit like this.

Your not to blame for her being like this.

peelingpaint · 17/12/2019 16:18

Sorry me again - the difficulty is that right now there's something quite abstract about you that is triggering for her. Once the pregnancy progresses and the baby arrives this triggering thing will not only be your whole world but a person in their own right, and at that point it will be much harder to 'protect' her from it.

I say this with the greatest respect for those suffering from mental health problems - I have a thick medical file of my own! - but if you are happy about this pregnancy you need to allow yourself to make it your priority

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/12/2019 16:23

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

Your pregnancy has really triggered your friend, so therapy will give her a chance to unpack baggage that she has probably been carrying for a long time without actually realising it. Do what you plan to do and hopefully it will work out well for both of you.

Original poster

erised · 17/12/2019 21:37

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

TwinkleStars15 · 17/12/2019 21:41

Wow, some harsh and judgemental comments. OP, you sound like a great friend. The fact that she has been honest with you, and is seeking help, is great step forward. Hopefully your friendship is strong enough to get through this and the support she is receiving will help her. Congratulations.

nataliemum25 · 17/12/2019 21:50

Sorry but what???? 😲 nowt like the green eyed monster is there, sorry but your friend sounds very selfish, this is something you should be able to share with your best friend, I would walk away from her she sounds unstable, this is a beautiful little life coming into this world and she's putting you through emotional stress with it, I'd say bye bye

InDreamland · 17/12/2019 21:54

Congratulations on your pregnancy! It's hard but try to focus on yours and your baby's needs for the time being. It's good your friend is seeking therapy as it means she recognises she has a condition that needs treatment. This is about her mental health and not you as such.

I am 31 weeks pregnant now but sadly I've also been on the other side and know only too well the struggles of unexplained infertility for 5 years and then followed by 2 pregnancy losses. 6 years of real hard struggle and being pregnancy bombed and baby bombed were (and still sometimes are) major triggers and had me in a very dark place. Unless you've been there yourself it's impossible to understand how it feels. My best friend has supported me through those dark times ...........she also has infertility issues of her own so understood how I felt. She found my pregnancies I lost difficult and has now distanced herself from me as my third pregnancy has progressed. I fully expected her to do this and totally understand why ..........because I've been there and it's the only way I could stay half sane was to put a barrier between myself and the things that triggered the tears and all the emotions that go with infertility and pregnancy loss.

Hopefully one day she will be in a better place and you can continue to be friends and enjoy each other's company. For now though enjoy your pregnancy.

peelingpaint · 18/12/2019 07:34

Having been in that position - I've had 11 difficult miscarriages - I can relate to the overwhelming pain but not the withdrawal of support and friendship. But I'm getting diverted in response to a comment just above - I don't think that's what your friends doing op, sounds like she is at least a bit self aware about it

SexlessBoulderBelly · 19/12/2019 01:37

Sit her down and set some boundaries with her. What you can and can’t talk about, if anything at all related to go pregnancy and baby.

Then leave it at that. I might have read to much into it but it sounds like if she’s mentioned going to therapy because you are pregnant... sounds a tiny bit attention seeking and like she wants to take the limelight. Hence above advice then put it to rest. Don’t give her anything to feed off.

Honeybee85 · 19/12/2019 01:54

Even if she needs therapy because of your happy news, it’s a really shitty thing to tell you about it.
She’s guilt tripping you at a time she should support you knowing emotional wellbeing is important for you at this vulnerable time.

justilou1 · 19/12/2019 01:55

Just remember that it is okay to remind yourself and her that you are not responsible for her mental health problems.

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