Other women's negativity and comments during your pregnancy

[India999]

This is just a huge moan!!!

I'm at the point where I'm avoiding talking to other people (mostly women/existing parents) as I'm so sick of hearing negative comments. Things like;

"You think you're tired now, just you wait!"

"Look forward to having no money for the next 18 years"

But most of all, it's the comments about childbirth that are p**sing me off the most!!

"My friend nearly died"

"I had a third degree tear it was awful"

For what other medical procedure would someone say such negative and scare-mongering things?! If I was going in for a heart op would you tell me how your friend nearly died having the same?? Why is it ok in pregnancy??

I've finished work now but I couldn't stand all the snarky comments from people I barely knew there. I've just moved house and constantly got told how my new furniture (that I worked my ass off to afford) is going to get ruined. Etc etc etc.

I understand that some of these comments are said in jest and aren't serious.. but it's so tiring and depressing to hear CONSTANTLY!

Yesterday someone felt the need to tell me how depressing it is to come home with your first child and how lonely maternity leave is.

I am NOT naive. I am not an idiot. I know it will be a shock but my way of coping and preparing is to stay positive and in control of my emotions. It's really upsetting me and I cried for an hour last night because I just felt like all my work at being positive was being de-railed.

If I was going for my driving test would you say "oh god its awful, you're going to fail. My friend just failed"? NO, you would give words of encouragement and excitement!!

If I was starting a new job would you say "oh wow you're going to be so tired. It's scary. I haven't moved jobs in years because I had such a bad experience"?. NO! You would congratulate and celebrate!

Why does pregnancy give everyone this sense of entitlement to tell you how shit everything is. I thought it was supposed to be a happy time.

Comments are so annoying. The only acceptable thing to say to a pregnant lady is “you look amazing/you’ll be a great mum/ can u get you some food” or preferably all 3.

Maternity leave doesn’t have to be lonely. I have the odd day or night I’m lonely but we do a couple of classes a week, make the most of spending time with elderly relatives and hang out with our NCT group. I find if you plan the week and try to have something on most days then it’s the weekend before you know it

It’s annoying and unnecessary. I used to think maybe I’ll end up saying the same sort of thing once I had my own, like it’s just a thing you unwittingly do once you’ve experienced it. It’s not. Those people are just being dicks.

I agree. People love to share misery. I'd have a cheery come back ready to go, like "hopefully not! I'm trying to stay positive" and flash them a big smile before you walk the fuck away 😁

Oh wow! I can't say I paid much attention the first couple of times but this pregnancy is a pain and I have been told I may need to be induced early. Now everyone can't keep their induction horror stories from me! I was alright to start with, now I'm terrified!

A 'friend' said to me shortly after I'd suffered a miscarriage that she wished she lived my life with no responsibilities (we were going on our honeymoon 3 days after my miscarriage)...

I work full time, have a mortgage to pay, house to keep clean, a husband, a step daughter, currently doing an open degree & also doing a BTEC through work.

Yeah I wish I had no responsibilities too.

I genuinely don't think people actually think about what they're saying or the impact of what they're saying.

I agree, but if you look at any of the horror birthing threads, you’ll see anyone with a positive birth experience (or breast feeding actually) is demonised and attacked for making other women feel inadequate.

For what it’s worth, I had 2 inductions (for diff reasons) and both are 5 hours from first drug to end - one baby just under 7lbs (grazing and small tear, one over 10 lbs (a 3rd degree but only just - one stitch in that region), one back to back and no drugs. I felt both went fine. No horror stories with either.

Loved mat leave - a few classes, lunch with mates, see family. Best time of my life. Going back to work after second after Xmas sadly.

Kids both do a mix of nursery, my mum and me so get well socialised and one on one time...

But you’ll get judged for everything from birth choices to breast feeding (or not) to nursery v work.

For what it’s worth - my attitude is that I feel no guilt for anything as I do what I consider best for my children. I ignore others judging (although I do listen to advice even if I chose to ignore it later).

OP, they are telling the truth, to help you. The reality could be so far from your positive image that, like so many new mothers posting on MN, you'll think you are a failure, or your baby hates you, or that your tiny newborn is 'trying to control you' by (doing it by the 'Babies' Survival Manual' they read before birth and) feeding around the clock.

I speak as the woman who thought 'the baby should fit in with our lives'. I did. Honestly. What I didn't realise, in those emotionally-charged days of pregnancy, is that during labour, two people are born, a mother and a baby. You can't know what kind of experience you have (did we expect my dd to come 'within two to three minutes of death' when giving birth to her dd? No.) or how you will cope with childbirth and new motherhood. People are making conversation, sharing their own experiences... trying to give you some idea of what it might be like.

It continues waaaaay past when they're born. "Just wait until they're 2!", "hahaha, just wait until they're teenagers!" And so on.

@plasticpatty

I didn't say I thought it would all be entirely positive. I said my way of coping with negative experiences is to at least go into it in a good and positive mindset.

Going into labour thinking about all the things that could go wrong, when they might never happen, is not going to help. Like I said, I'm not naive and I'm not expecting rainbows and butterflies.

Horror stories don't help me personally.

Don’t we all hate these comments... as if we’re stupid and don’t know about it.. what people don’t actually know is that I started saving as soon as I found out that I was pregnant.
And also I don’t mind putting weight on (and having more after birth) simply because I have been very skinny and even underweight my whole live. I am more than happy to put weight on.

But we just have to ignore it

I think you're absolutely correct. Try to ignore them.
I do a job where I have one-off contact with mums of new babies (about 6 weeks of age). When I was visibly pregnant I used to ask them how they were getting on.
One day I had two mums back to back. The first said "it's awful, he wakes up every 3 hours all night, takes an hour to feed and get back to sleep so I only get two hours of sleep at a time, he doesn't sleep in the day, It's terrible".
The next said "it's wonderful. He only wakes up every 3 hours in the night and only takes an hour to feed and go back to sleep so I get two hours sleep before the next feed. And he's awake in the day so I get lots of cuddles. I'm loving it".
Both were first time mums, both claimed to have supportive involved partners.
I'm not exaggerating - they literally had the same life and completely different ways of looking at it.
I came home and said to my DH "whatever kind of baby we have - high maintenance, easy going, sleeping/not sleeping - it could be worse and we are just going to see the positives in this from day 1". It really worked. He's not a glass half full person but that story really helped him to see perspective.
Fwiw I genuinely enjoyed early motherhood. I accept I had quite easy babies and also enjoyed the break from an insanely busy job.
I hope you have a great end of pregnancy and start to parenting OP.

Thanks everyone!!

If it helps I had a third degree tear and was absolutely fine, fell asleep in theatre getting stitched up! Was out of hospital after 2 days and out at sbux after 5. Also people do tend to share their birth stories and I've literally never met another person who has had one so not all that common. On the severe tears support group on fb there are only 1600 members.

I'd blissfully ignore the horror stories at the mo. I certainly couldn't comprehend how different my life would be after giving birth but mostly because I've never loved anyone like I loved my son, it's quite overwhelming. Hes now 3 and my little companion, has never tantrummed, sleeps from 6.30pm every night.

It is very unkind to make comments like that I agree OP. Ignore, Becoming a mum is just amazing, the best thing I have ever done, probably an element of jealousy at the root of the comments. Good luck with your pregnancy.

@Roselilly36

Thankyou!

I didn’t get any negative comments-but DH says I’m scary so perhaps people don’t dare!
I went into pregnancy and birth prepared for it to be awful and to hate the baby stage. Couldn’t have been more wrong!

Here I am with my 11 week old and I had an easy pregnancy (felt better than I had in years), 6.5hr natural birth (was meant to be induced) that made me feel like superwoman and I am loving BF and maternity leave (have a demanding job and am normally the main earner in our partnership).

Oh and I am 41 so according to half of mn I should be feeling totally knackered and past it. I’m not.

Just shut it all out, you’ll soon be in your newborn bubble and your experience will be your own. Enjoy!

They seem like horrible people. Having a baby is all good ,its not lonely at all its amazing time bonding with your baby,people like to point out the bad bits.ive just had baby no.6 she is now 6wks old,i love being a mum ,yes ive had some bad things happen but its such a lovely time in your life so im enjoying it all even the bits that are hard.
Good luck & enjoy it all x

My nans like this so over bearing and the last few weeks it's really really bothering me now we was so close but I just dread now when she texts me or calls me

I'm only 13+4 but I've been having similar comments already. I have a couple responses:

If it were that bad, people wouldn't keep doing it, especially if it's a 2nd ,3rd etc.

I've had 38 years on the planet just thinking about myself so I feel ready to start being selfless now.

My sister has really helped me with things like this. Like me, she is very house proud and doesn't like clutter or mess anywhere. She was able to contain the kids' toys/equipment in a way that didn't make the house look like a sty. She didn't have tonnes and tonnes of plastic crap everywhere, just a few chosen toys that would be regularly rotated.

I've had a few comments about how my house will be a tip when the baby arrives, insinuating that I won't cope with that. It really pisses me off when peolle say that. Yes, my house will be different and have more stuff in it, but why does it have to a tip?! My sister is proof to me that it doesn't!

I totally agree that unsolicited comments/advice/stories are completely inappropriate. That said, I do wish I had been a bit more prepared for the reality of recovering from a difficult birth, establishing breastfeeding with a baby with a tongue tie and the massive post-birth hormone dump. I am also a naturally positive person and deal with uncertainty by looking for a positive spin. But I think that made me be harder on myself when I struggled during the first couple of months because it was such a shock not being able to control my attitude at that time.

Hopefully everything will go smoothly for you and all the scare stories will be irrelevant anyway. But even if something does go differently from how you hope - with the mantra "this too shall pass", all will be fine in the end!

OP - feel totally the same.
My worst one which makes my toes absolutely curl is ‘you’ll be ripped in two or you’ll never recover fully down there’ like thanks for that!!

I find this really annoying too, and like someone else said it doesn't stop. My daughter is one and the amount of strangers I have spoken to that have said something like "you wait till they're two", "it never stops you know", "you wait until they're a teenager they'll be awful".

I get it, but it is a very awkwardly negative kind of small talk to try and think of a response to. What am I supposed to say "yes I'm sure my life will be hell until the day I die now" or "well I'm actually holding out hope she will be nicer and better behaved than your children"? Either way, really awkward. There's no way you can really respond other than to laugh, total conversation killer.

I'm 31 weeks OP and I've really struggled with the same! I completely agree with you! Especially because I'm doing hypnobirthing and a large part of that is trying to maintain a positive outlook and stay as relaxed as possibly during labour. Its actually very evidence based and the midwives and doctors at my hospital love hearing of people doing hypnobirthing, but people just scoff and point out how awful birth is going to be regardless!

And all the people saying "just you wait!" like there's some big joke going on at my expense!!

Its almost like everyone wants to see me in pieces and hear that I find being a new mum awful, perhaps because it will validate their own experiences...?

Like you, I know it will be hard and a shock and I know that actually experiencing being mum will be completely different to just reading about it and knowing logically that there will be challenges. But why try to fill me with fear and negativity now, what good will that do?

@APD1981 I am houseproud too and I'd love to hear any tips or advice that you or your sister have? I'm trying to maximise storage opportunities to keep things out the way and buy baby stuff in tasteful colours that won't make my living room look like an IKEA crèche, bit I'd appreciate anything else.

I had a few 'enjoy sleep while you can' comments but only a couple. No one else said anything negative, just excitement!

Just ignore it some people just like to see the worse in things

@BoomyBooms

Tasteful colours are definitely the way to go! And I think my sister just didn't have loads of unnecessary toys etc. As a family, we asked her what to get the kids for Christmas/birthdays rather than buying more and more plastic figures etc. She also, from very young, got them used to putting one toy away before getting out another. When they started nursery, their tidiness was always commented on!

As for storage, she has a wooden storage unit that is separated into cube style cupboards. All toys and baby things were stored in it. It was fall enough to have loads of storage then on top she puts photos/candles etc to make it look decorative rather than a toy storage cupboard. Her youngest is 8 and it is still used for drawing and painting equipment but they now have to have most of their toys in their rooms.

I think it just takes a bit of extra effort to tidy up and, once old enough, train the child to do the same. It is possible!