Other women's negativity and comments during your pregnancy

[India999]

This is just a huge moan!!!

I'm at the point where I'm avoiding talking to other people (mostly women/existing parents) as I'm so sick of hearing negative comments. Things like;

"You think you're tired now, just you wait!"

"Look forward to having no money for the next 18 years"

But most of all, it's the comments about childbirth that are p**sing me off the most!!

"My friend nearly died"

"I had a third degree tear it was awful"

For what other medical procedure would someone say such negative and scare-mongering things?! If I was going in for a heart op would you tell me how your friend nearly died having the same?? Why is it ok in pregnancy??

I've finished work now but I couldn't stand all the snarky comments from people I barely knew there. I've just moved house and constantly got told how my new furniture (that I worked my ass off to afford) is going to get ruined. Etc etc etc.

I understand that some of these comments are said in jest and aren't serious.. but it's so tiring and depressing to hear CONSTANTLY!

Yesterday someone felt the need to tell me how depressing it is to come home with your first child and how lonely maternity leave is.

I am NOT naive. I am not an idiot. I know it will be a shock but my way of coping and preparing is to stay positive and in control of my emotions. It's really upsetting me and I cried for an hour last night because I just felt like all my work at being positive was being de-railed.

If I was going for my driving test would you say "oh god its awful, you're going to fail. My friend just failed"? NO, you would give words of encouragement and excitement!!

If I was starting a new job would you say "oh wow you're going to be so tired. It's scary. I haven't moved jobs in years because I had such a bad experience"?. NO! You would congratulate and celebrate!

Why does pregnancy give everyone this sense of entitlement to tell you how shit everything is. I thought it was supposed to be a happy time.

Totally agree, it's driving me mad, i am well aware it wont be a walk in the park and sleep will be sparse but one particular woman at work keeps telling me ive ruined my life and it's all down hill from now. Shes just plain awful and speaks about her teenage kids like she really hates them. No matter how hard it will be I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life right now

I really don't understand why women feel the need to do this.

I've noticed that it tends to be older women who had children longer ago. All the younger mums I know ( except one ) NEVER make stupid comments about how my life is over. They say that it's the most amazing experience ever. They say it's hard and a big change, but totally worth every second.

Ugh people can be so tactless!!

I honestly think some people that have had horrible births think they then have some sort of right to scare monger every other pregnant person they encounter. It's such a personal and unique time, therefore very unhelpful!

Someone asked me yesterday how I was feeling (39weeks). I said ok just tired and grumpy. Her response 'oh mines one now and the tiredness just gets worse'. THANKS HUN!!!! As you can imagine - didn't help the grumpy ness hehe

Xx

You are so right. With my first it helped me to think every human being had come into the world one way or the other from a woman and they weren't all super women but normal mortals like me.

People are so rude. I was in the park with my almost full term daughter and a woman I know (who had 4 children herself for God's sake) looked DD up and down and said "my you're BLOOMING"! I think she meant it kindly but DD was embarrassed.

I walked past a couple in the street days before one of mine was born and the man said to the woman "did you see the size of her" mortifying.

A friend of mine was complaining to me about how her epidural meant she couldn’t move or push and so needed a c-section, and she repeated the same story to me after my childbirth. So I retaliated with mine - that I was able to push even with an epidural and the consultant even praised me on my fitness as I was able to push throughout the forceps delivery that ensured my DS (whose heart was failing) was alive. She didn’t say anything after that.

Do your research, read positive birthing stories, focus on your OWN research, and my advice is be flexible on pain relief. Don’t refuse an epidural unless you genuinely don’t want it as labour progresses - it doesn’t delay labour IF you have remained fit and healthy through pregnancy, and active during the beginning of your labour and you have an anesthesist who will give you the bare minimum for pain relief to start with (remember the epidural pains after birth are usually caused by women forcing positions they aren’t used to in labour - If you perform yoga and remain supple then should be ok!)

This used to drive me mad! "You will never sleep again" "your fanny will never be the same" " you wont be able to have a life if you breastfeed"

I love rubbing it in their faces now that I have my baby, he sleeps pretty ok ish, my fanny is fine and my social life is absolutely fine despite ebf for nearly 8 months so far. Just ignore the negative comments, a baby is a beautiful blessing, a journey you have chosen to embark on. There are challenges along the way but you will surprise yourself how well you cope!! Congratulations and enjoy your little bundle when they arrive.

This drives me crazy but you’re so right.
I’m 23+2 and after the initial excitement from family and friends it’s almost all been horrid negativity.

The worst part is I’ve had a bad pregnancy and been really well so I’ve tried to be positive and take enjoyment where I can. I particularly cling to the idea of baby being here and me getting my health back - but no people won’t stop being horribly, bringing me down and criticising my choices

*really unwell

@APD1981 thank you!! I like the idea of 'hiding' some baby things like that, and of course the toy rule... would be very helpful in my little house!

😂 My MIL was pretty bad for telling me not to buy things/ get ready as ‘you never know until they’re here safe’ - it dragged me down so much as it’s one of the only pleasures I have. Last time she did it I burst into tears and made sure everyone knew why. She’s not mentioned 1 negative thing since 😬

It's annoying but it's all true.

@GrumpyHoonMain tbh your comment on here is just as bad as the one you said you received. So those of us who haven't been able to stay "supple" as you put it are doomed to have a shit time with an epidural? You've basically just shamed quite a large proportion of expectant FTMs. I think you might have missed the whole point of the thread somewhat.

OP thanks for sharing, you've pretty much echoed how I've been feeling throughout this pregnancy. I didn't get too many unwelcome comments at work, it was mainly my mum who tried to scare me (really shit things like "I couldn't bf so you might not be able to" / "I never enjoyed being a mum, I don't think you will either" / "home births are really dangerous, you should have it in hospital" - her hospital births were awful...). I told her I won't discuss anything relating to pregnancy or labour with her anymore and her reaction was to complain that she feels like she can't talk to me about anything...

Anyway, if you haven't already, try to read the Positive birth book by Milli Hill - it's completely changed my outlook on everything baby related, and now I'm so excited for labour I'm just willing the last few weeks away :) good luck for the rest of your pregnancy, hope it all goes smoothly

@TheRightHonerable my mil also shamed me for setting the pram up early.. Er it was secondhand, I'm hardly going to dismantle it am I

@Alien

It’s a generation thing I think - superstition. I kept repeating that ‘if something is going to go wrong it will do regardless of what I do/don’t do so I’m just going to take every minute of enjoyment I can!’ But it didn’t sink in with her!

luckily tears and other families members asking her why she was being so negative and upsetting me did the trick 👍🏻

I'm so glad that it's not just me that's been thinking this. I regularly came home from work and moaned to my husband about the comments I got at work. And it's not that anyone was being deliberately mean or nasty. But I think people genuinely do not think at all. It seems to be when you're pregnant you become an open talking point whether you like it or not. I was sick of hearing the usual "oh you're tired now, just you wait". Like that makes me feel better right now. Like we're so ignorant of the fact that newborns might not sleep when you want them to . I got really fed up and just ignored comments when made, smiled and just went back to what I was doing. Really really infuriated me.
I think people forget that their own experiences are just that, their own. Doesn't mean that every single parent/woman out there had the same labour or post natal experience.

@aliensprig - that’s my point though. After delivering my baby I had a pph and almost died at the table but feel I had a pretty positive birth overall. So when others were spreading their negative birth stories I hated it. How negative or positive a birth is subjective as it isn’t necessarily about the trauma of it - it is depends on how informed and involved the mother is at the time care decisions are made - it depends on little things like consultants listening and then explaining things to her.

I have friends who couldn’t push during an epidural but then who didn’t want to and for them that was ideal. I have family who were able to get elective c-sections with the risks of their choices carefully explained and for them that was positive.

We focus so much on the negatives of birth - it’s like a fetish. We should be open about the positives too.

I have HG, I was working 13 hour shifts and spent a lot of the time in the toilet being sick. I've had "I don't have any sympathy, you're lucky to be pregnant" "it's all in your mentality" "you're pregnant not disabled" and after I said I hadn't been well this pregnancy "what do you mean you're not well, you're pregnant."

Like being prescribed medication and signed off work means I am really well.

Well the tiredness thing is definitely true but you can’t really appreciate it until afterwards so there’s no point telling people before!

I think you make a very good point about how people are negative when they wouldn’t be about anything else.

Everyone’s experience is different though: I had a third degree tear, episiotomy and 1.5l PPH which was probably my worst case scenario and my son went to SCBU but I recovered fine and came away feeling really positive about the birth and proud of what I’d done. And yes the newborn bit was exhausting and hard for me (I had PND so again worst case scenario!) but a year on I can say it was totally worth every bad day and I have never once regretted having him!