Terrified of labour and vaginal birth - experiences and opinions?

[hjbows88]

As it says in the title really! I’m only 12 weeks so not at the point of having to make decisions about birth yet, but I’ve always been terrified of labour and vaginal birth. I’m not sure why, although I’m squeamish about ‘that area’ anyway and have never been able to use tampons and inserting them makes me faint.

My preference would be elective section but my husband is really against this. He is in healthcare himself (teeth, not vaginas!) and has quite idealistic views of vaginal birth - he sees is as natural and therefore the best option, and despite acknowledging it can sometimes go wrong he feels the risks with sections are higher and the surgery is so invasive (big cut and scar, longer healing time) that it should be a last resort.

I get where he is coming from but he isn’t the one who has to go through this and isn’t the one who is terrified about it.

Just wondering what other women’s experiences have been. Whether anyone else has been in similar position or has views on this?

I've felt zero pain and recovery was straightforward-and I'm not an anomaly

Zero pain? I still feel lingering pain around the scar one year later...

Ditto to some of the other pp- speak to the hospital if you have anxiety. I had quite a few meetings with the lady at ours along with my consultant. We even arranged with the surgeons for me to have no drapes if I had to have a cs (one of my fears was not being able to see what was happening to me- they couldn't get hold of the clear drapes!)
As others have mentioned too, you do not have to have any procedure you are not comfortable with. I requested no internal examinations on my birth plan and they didn't even ask when it came to it. Obviously if there had become a medical need then that's different but it would have been a case of assessing the situation as and when the needs changed.

Please try not to worry too much about the birth... I did (A lot!!), but whatever happens you will be able to handle it. You got this mama :)

Thank you all for your supportive words and helpful advice! Much appreciated x

Had a planned c-section which then had to be performed a bit early. Was a great experience. First day or two was brutal (the afterbirth pains hurt more than my actual incision site) but after that I recovered really well, was pottering around happily by the fourth day. Baby and I both healthy and happy. I think i walked for an hour the day after I had the baby. I had very good medical care.

There are no guarantees that a c-section doesn’t end up with complications and people have very different experiences but it was the right decision for me.

I had a horrible birth with DS1 and a REALLY LOVELY birth with DS2.

The difference in the two? I was frightened with Birth1 and not frightened at all with Birth2.

Read everything, watch everything, think about what you want. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. And with knowledge comes a feeling of being in control and being in control kills fear.

I was a good girl, did as i was told by midwife with Birth1. Strapped to a monitor, on my back for hours, stirrups, episiotomy, everyone staring at my bits, I was in pain, hated the lack of modesty and privacy. I didn't question anything or use my voice as i was too scared.

Birth2 I said no to the monitors, no to being overly examined, I asked for a waterbirth, I hid my lower half in the water so that no one was constantly looking at it. I was so in control that all fear went and gave birth calmly and serenely into my own hands. Didn't even hurt that much!

You CAN have a birth your way, as long as your baby is low-risk. Honestly I'd do it again in a heartbeat (if i wasnt too old). x

have never been able to use tampons and inserting them makes me faint

I’m the same. Would recommend perineal massage from 34 weeks to minimise the risk of tearing (use lots of lube), and try and do baby yoga to relax the necessary muscles in advance.

I started like this OP, really really squeamish of that area, terrified of cuts, tears and even grazes. I’m just over 33 weeks now and I’ve been umming and awwing about a c section.. then had a bit of a scare end of last week, had steroid injections and told baby needs to come out this week by c section as it would be safer for baby this early.

Now, as terrified as I am about giving birth, the thought of 6 weeks recovery, possible sepsis, common infections, longer hospital stay, catheter in my bits, not being able to feel from the chest down.. then not being given the choice and being told it’s going to be a c section, I changed my mind. I want to at least experience labour. Worst comes to worst i could have asked for an epidural, then I wouldn’t even feel what was going on this my bits.

When I suddenly wasn’t given the choice my perspective completely changed and now I’m ok with it, still not delighted, but think about how many millions and millions of women go through it, some much stronger than me, some on my level, some who can’t tolerate it even more, but they’ve all managed it, and when it’s over we’ll look back and know we made the right decision, whether that’s vaginal or c section. You’ll know what’s right.

Turns out they’re going to weekly monitor me now anyway so hopefully I stand a good chance of giving birth vaginally now! Praying this baby cooks for a few more weeks

Ah I just saw your other thread @SexlessBoulderBelly - glad things have taken a turn for the better and hopefully you get the birth you want x

Thanks @BigusBumus - a few others have said the same about my anxiety making labour worse and sounds like this was true for you with your first. I have a midwife appointment in a few weeks so going to talk to her about my worries and see what she recommends as the next step. Have consultant appointment after that and will ask them as well!

Hi OP
You've had lots of great advice already so there's isn't much to add, I just wanted to suggest that you consider looking up doulas. A doula could be an invaluable source of advice and support, given your anxieties. Crucially, a doula would support you and would not have their own agenda (unlike your husband).
Tbh your DH's attitude is giving me the absolute rage and if I were you I would not discuss the birth with him at all. I would seek advice elsewhere and tell him when I had made my decision. If he can't respect the fact that it's your body and your choice he doesn't get to participate in the decision making process at all.
Grrrr.

PS In my city there is a "birth choices" group which is an informal monthly get-together run by doulas and midwives (IIRC), if there is something like that near you it could be very helpful.

I’m too tired for a fuller reply (sorry!) but came on to say that I felt the same as you. I did my research and requested an ELCS. It was a great experience and I recovered really well. I was really happy as I had my baby and the perfect birth for me. I’m due again soon and will be requesting another ELCS without hesitation. It’s very, very personal and I fully understand that my dream birth would have been somebody else’s nightmare.

Without being too blunt, your husband needs to wind his neck in. It’s not about him, it’s not his choice. All the best with your pregnancy and making the best choice for you

You can have a negative outcome regardless of your chosen method of birth. I had a CS and suffered permanent numbness in my tummy. SIL had a natural birth and tore so severely that she was left with faecal incontinence and needed reconstructive surgery and physiotherapy to learn how to control her bowels again. I had a better outcome than her, but even better still is my friend who had a 30 minute labour and no problems whatsoever. It’s just the luck of the draw.

@hjbows88 I completely sympathize with you. I'm just over 37 weeks pregnant and even we went to our NHS antenatal class at 28 weeks, I came out and had a panic attack. I've always been terrified of childbirth, and am hysterical when getting a smear test. I also don't use tampons, end had issues around sex. But for me, it's also psychological, in my head.
So I spoke to my midwife, and she suggested hypnobirthing. I signed up to a daisy birthing class and a 1-on-1 hypnobirthing course where a practitioner comes to the house for me and my husband (they're also a working midwife, which helps). I feel like a different person. I'm actually now excited that once I feel the first surges it means my baby will be here soon.
Definitely speak to your midwife/Dr if you see one about your fears. Fear of anything will always increase pain the body will feel. That's how powerful our brains are. So trying to get a handle on that now will help with whatever birth you have.
I'm still a bit scared obviously being a first timer, but even if all my preparation helps me to stay calm in the lead up then that matters I think.
Good luck!

@dec19baby I totally sympathise... I had panic attacks after our antenatal classes! I just felt so overwhelmed and hated the thought of other people taking control of my body.
But i did like you and got into the mindset of trying to learn the skills to deal with whatever happened calmly as that would only be a good thing for me and baby and sometimes the only thing that you can control is how you react. I'm really lucky that my labour was brilliant, but I was prepared for problems.
I 100% recommend having a doula too. They were so supportive the whole way through and knowing that someone else in the room who would fight my corner for what i wanted to happen (if safe to do so) if I was unable to and if husband was uncomfortable doing so really helped. Plus they advise about what was happening at the time to reassure husband. This really helped too as it meant he felt confident so was able to 100% be there for me rather than flapping!

I was terrified first time around.
I know it’s natural, and what female bodies are built for....but I couldn’t fathom how something as big as a baby could come out of there and it remain intact
In all honesty, my experience was nowhere near as bad as I was expecting! The contractions were worse than the actual pushing part - I actually found some relief in pushing because it almost felt like I was pushing the contraction away if that makes sense?
I went on to have two further vaginal births, at home.
I would suggest talking through your fears with your midwife - I’d she’s aware of your anxieties around vaginally birth, she should be able to point you in the right direction of support with making any decision about it

I'm 2 weeks into recover after an ELCS and I can say it was a really positive experience. I didn't need to have a section, my concerns were around the size of baby and that he would get stuck on his way out. I spoke to 2 consultants, one more helpful than the other and at 38+1 I was booked in for 39 weeks. The surgery was straightforward, I was completely calm until they went to make the incision although I calmed down once I was sure that nothing hurt, we had skin to skin in surgery so I barely noticed the end of the op as I was cuddling DS. I would have been out the next day but stayed in for help with BFing.

I had a CS and suffered permanent numbness in my tummy

This weirds me out too! I was told it was temporary but it’s not. Still numb

OP please have a look at the Positive Birth Company's Digital Pack and Ina May Gaskin's videos and Guide to Childbirth book (second section in particular). Honestly it's one the best thing I've ever done for myself. Not all of it will be up your street but it will help you understand the physical process so much better, will give you the tools to cope with different situations and the confidence to manage your birth so it is as you would wish for it to be.

digitalpack.thepositivebirthcompany.co.uk/

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am currently 26 weeks and I do not like the idea of it.

If it happens it happens, but part of me is still hoping they may tell me I have to have a c section. The idea of being cut open and having the surgery/healing time does not bother me. The idea of tearing terrifies me and I really do not think that this baby is going to fit to come out!

I am still holding out hope that by March someone will have created and the NHS will have adopted a teleportation machine like in Star Trek so the baby can just be beamed out!!

I felt very similar to you when I was pregnant with my eldest (and I am a doctor myself). I also suffered from vaginismus so intercourse was very painful when I first became sexually active and it took a long time for me to be able to get over that. I was petrified of labour, tearing, forceps and all interventions down there. My advice would be to go to antenatal classes so you learn about stages of labour, risks involved, cascade of interventions etc. Ideally NHS ones if your hospital offers as NCT are too idealistic about natural birth and focus on all the wrong risks.

As a clinician, I have seen women with long term damage from both sections and vaginal deliveries.

Although I knew a lot of the information as a clinician, going through classes as a pregnant lady was a different experience as you see it all in a different context. I came out hoping for a normal vaginal delivery with minimal intervention rather than ELCS.

I have since had 2 normal deliveries with no drugs and no interventions. Minor tears both times which were stitched up with minimal discomfort and have healed just fine. I know I am extremely fortunate that my body did things in the 'right' order in labour and both my babies were able to tolerate contractions with no problems