Terrified of labour and vaginal birth - experiences and opinions?

[hjbows88]

As it says in the title really! I’m only 12 weeks so not at the point of having to make decisions about birth yet, but I’ve always been terrified of labour and vaginal birth. I’m not sure why, although I’m squeamish about ‘that area’ anyway and have never been able to use tampons and inserting them makes me faint.

My preference would be elective section but my husband is really against this. He is in healthcare himself (teeth, not vaginas!) and has quite idealistic views of vaginal birth - he sees is as natural and therefore the best option, and despite acknowledging it can sometimes go wrong he feels the risks with sections are higher and the surgery is so invasive (big cut and scar, longer healing time) that it should be a last resort.

I get where he is coming from but he isn’t the one who has to go through this and isn’t the one who is terrified about it.

Just wondering what other women’s experiences have been. Whether anyone else has been in similar position or has views on this?

He is saying it based on clinical evidence

Has he found specific papers or just saying "the research says...."?

"Its not a good way to go to have one without a clinical need"

Mental health reasons are a clinical need.

Planned sections will almost certainly involve a vaginal examination and the insertion of a suppository for pain relief.

They don't involve anything you don't consent to. Pain relief suppository is definitely optional.

I agree with your @SinkGirl, your DH gets a say when he's the one who has to give birth. And, for what it's worth, it's very hard to get stats on ELCS because they are lumped in with EMCS which often have different risk profiles. A straightforward ELCS is really any riskier than a 'natural' birth. I'm 15 weeks pp and went out for a walk two days after my ELCS and was back running after 8 weeks. My scar is almost invisible already and I wouldn't know that I had a baby a few months ago. In contrast, my best friend is still struggling 3 years after her 'natural' birth.

Also planned sections do not involve a vaginal exam - the only thing you get is a catheter and a pain relief suppository. My birth plan specially stated no vaginal examinations and my midwife made it clear that I could refuse consent at any point.

I firmly firmly believe that women have a right to choose the birth that is best for them.

Fears come from the mythology of films and other people telling you scary stories. That was their experience not yours. Fear is the biggest cause of pain.

I’m sorry but this is the same sort of nonsense people used to say to me when I was pregnant and it’s deeply irritating.

I have tokophobia. I had extensive professional support to try and overcome it. The absolute terror of birth destroyed my mental health during my pregnancy and affected my physical health too.

I wasn’t scared of the pain, I don’t think people understand this. I have some trauma relating to gynae procedures and other issues involving that area, and simply could not handle delivering two babies (twins) and having multiple strangers in that area.

Planning a section completely changed my mindset and resolved a lot of the MH issues I was having.

I don’t know if OP’s fears or reasons are anything like mine, but choosing a section is a perfectly valid choice.

Studies show that while vaginal births are marginally safer for the mother, c sections are marginally safer for babies. In my case with DCDA twins, a c section was marginally safer for all of us.

My recovery was okay, worse than some of my friends who had vaginal births but also better than others who had complex vaginal births. I have birth trauma around the fact that my boys could have died and two months in nicu, but I know many women with birth trauma following vaginal births too.

I'm 11+3 into my first pregnancy and I told my midwife at my booking appointment that I wanted an elective section. I knew before I even got pregnant that this was the only option for me as I suffer with anxiety and the thought of going into spontaneous labour and not having any sort of control is unthinkable for me. I've done my research and am fully aware that c sections are by no means the 'easy option' and carry their own risks, but for me, it's the option I'm most comfortable with.

Go with what feels right for you. It's your body, your choice x

All I’d say is get your message across about wanting a section early.. regardless of the guidelines, I know in my area they are adamantly against elective sections for none medical reasons. My best friend wanted one for her second baby due to a fairly traumatic first birth & 6 months of trying to persuade them failed. In the end, she had an easy 5 hour labour, no tearing etc and was grateful she hadn’t had a major operation!

I had forceps, you are so numb you wouldn’t even know if they shoved a Christmas tree up there 😂 it was literally like I had no lower half!

Would the option of an epidural not appeal more than a section? You honestly can’t feel a thing, you’d never know anything was coming out of there! To me it seems a better option than major surgery.. I was up & about pretty quickly and recovery from that aspect of labour was fine!

Thank you everyone this is really helpful. I do feel elective is my preferred choice right now but I’m going to take the advice here and speak to midwife and do some hypnobirthing reading/classes before I make a final decision. Thanks again for the support!

Hi @Bol87 - my main concern with epidural is:

1. Not being able to have one - apparently it depends on who is available at the hospital at the time and also there isn’t always time
2. Not being able to feel and therefore not being able to push.
3. Doesn’t stop my concerns about tears/trauma and forceps

It is healthier for the baby to born vaginally if at all possible, and this may be life long for the child (they have completely different gut bacteria which affects how the immune system is kick-started etc etc).

I'm so squeamish, can't stand pain (don't even have my ears pierced) yet I had 3 at home with only gas and air.

Read lots of positive birth books and watch positive births on YouTube. Silent peaceful waterbirths where the baby is just 'breathed' out. Do not watch One Born Every Minute! It doesn't have to be like that.

I had two vaginal births and both were fine, the pushing stage was like nothing else on earth. My body felt really powerful. I'm fine physically now and was afterwards. Yes you can tear a bit but with a c section you're having abdominal surgery. The baby has to come out one way or another. I have no scars now and everything still working down there. It's easy to fixate in the horror stories but that's because people generally don't need to download a good experience.

That said if you want an elective c section talk to your midwife to consider the options. It's ultimately your decision not your dhs.

Pregnancy is a weird time because you realise that there are going to be factors out of your control whatever you do, and you have to consider the baby's needs as well as your own. It's disorientating but good practice for motherhood! Best of luck.

I was keen to avoid forceps but ended up having them in the end. I didn’t feel anything thanks to the epidural. I had an episiotomy and a 3rd degree tear so was a bit sore for a week or so but everything healed fine.

If I had the choice to go back in time and have an elective section knowing what vaginal birth would be like, I still wouldn’t.

I was terrified of giving birth. I even sought counselling to help (among other things) created a birth plan etc. In the end I did it without pain relief and it was all very quick. Yes it hurt but sometimes you don’t know what you can do until it’s happening.

If you want a ELCS then book one. I researched all of the ways and means and decided what I was comfortable with, in the end it never happened.

I was petrified of both forceps and having a bad tear. I spoke to the midwife about my birth plan ("oh you don't really need to do one of those, it's mostly about skin to skin and cord clamping") and also my fear of forceps and the fact I really, really didn't want them. She was a nice woman but there was a bit of a head tilt and she said sometimes it's the only way to get baby out. I was looking for some assurance that they'd take my concerns on board and that if it looked like forceps were a possibility I would be told at an early enough stage that a section would be proposed instead, but no. I didn't feel able to argue and I knew then that I wouldn't be able to press for a section if I was told forceps were the best option in the midst of labour. One of the (many) reasons I want a ELCS next time is so that I don't need to worry about asserting myself so much during the actual birth.

My mum had a forceps delivery with DTwin so I know they can turn out fine, but I didn't fancy my chances of birth injury or problems later down the line as a result.

I really enjoyed the pushing stage too, I was terrified of it beforehand and had asked for an epidural but couldn’t have one as they were too busy in theatre-but in the end it was too quick anyway.
It was an amazing sensation-I felt like superwoman after. I had a miniscule internal tear, never felt it and it healed really fast. I only know it was there because it was in notes. I couldn’t tell you where it was. My baby is 11 weeks today so its all still a current memory, not rose tinted.
If you’d told me 12 months ago I’d have a baby, natural birth and love breastfeeding I’d never have believed it. I waited until I was 40 to conceive as so scared of it all

Personally I found recovery from an ELCS much easier than a vaginal birth. Also labour and delivery were both brutal for me so the entire experience of a CS was so much calmer and more enjoyable. Hopefully you'd have a better experience than me if you do deliver vaginally but everyone always says recovery is harder with a CS which is not necessarily the case!

The risks of the baby having immune disorders and allergies are increased both by c section and by antibiotics though... It is something I think about and think I'll probably put on my birth plan that in case of having a caesarean I would like microbiome seeding (essentially getting a vaginal swab and putting on baby). Not sure there's much evidence yet about that - have yet to do the research - but maybe that's something you could look into, that might reassure your partner?

On a separate note, I think if you are that stressed about it (with the caveat that this may change over the coming months) you should go for a c section if nothing else because your anxiety is likely to make labour go less well. But if you feel that uncomfortable with your own body that you can't even insert a tampon, then that feels to me like something to talk to someone about and seek some support to work through those feelings.

I'd avoid a CS like the plague. When they go wrong afterwards it is horrible. I had an open wound for 5 months. The pain wasn't such a problem after the first week. Having to cope with a newborn and a wound that needed regular dressing was just awful. I ended up with a vaccum pump which I had to carry round for 2 weeks to make my body heal. It was truly awful.

A CS is not the easy option.

I think the short answer here is you can have good and bad births of both types, vaginal and CS. There is no guarantee which way yours will go! Personally I had quite a straight forward vaginal birth with my 1st. Yes it hurts and yes there were times when I was scared. But I came out of it amazed at what the human body can do. I used perennial massage oil from 36 weeks and I'm sure it helped with the tearing.
I'm about to do it again in Feb so fingers crossed it will be easier second time round!
The thought of being numbed and cut open really scares me. Not to mention the 6 week recovery. Having said that if it was the safest way to get the baby out of course I'd go for it.

I felt very similar to you. I'm not squeamish about my vagina in fact the opposite - I was horrified at the thought it would change. I was always told I was having a big baby, I had crippling pelvic pain (couldn't walk) and my sister had had a highly traumatic birth (I don't want to detail) 3 month earlier. I was genuinely petrified about labour.

In the end I did ask for an elective (had to push for it) as I didn't feel mentally equipped to deal with it at all. I read all the books and did yoga etc but I just felt so scared that I would end up with complications.

In the end I'm happy we went for that. I feel sad I haven't experienced labour (feel like a fraud) but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't relieved to have no pelvic floor difficulties or traumatic memories. I know that loads of women have smooth births and have done for thousands of years but I also know lots of women with horrendous times.

It's so personal no one can decide for you (including DH)

I've had three vaginal births and a section when baby was transverse. The recovery from the section was way easier for me. Hardly and bleeding or pain, healed really fast. I had stitches with my vaginal births and they hurt a lot when they were healing, sitting was painful, lots of bleeding. But either way is fine really. The vaginal births weren't that painful all easy to put up with really.

Don't worry about forceps, by the time you've got to that stage you won't care. The actual end but is the least painful bit imo.

I think the short answer here is you can have good and bad births of both types, vaginal and CS. There is no guarantee which way yours will go!

This is the only approach which has any merit. You have no idea what kind of vaginal birth you will have until you have it. You have no idea how your caesarean will go until you have it. So you have to weigh up which risks you are more comfortable with.

I had forceps and it was dreadful, and I will never recover from the damage they did. Others on this thread have had a more positive experience. It may not be possible in birth to say you want a section instead because baby may be too far down the birth canal for it to be safe. You don’t have to consent of course but in terms of a safe delivery of the baby.

My husband is also medical, a surgeon in fact, and he actually suggested I consider a section instead of an induction (however respected it was totally up to me and I chose the induction). Lots of obstetricians or their partners choose sections which should tell you it isn’t a straightforward “vaginal is always better” situation.

Given your thoughts about a vaginal birth I would say at the very least speak to someone about your choices and see how you feel after that. You have to live with the consequences and so many women don’t recover fully from vaginal births (weak pelvic floor, incontinence, prolapse) - don’t be pushed into it if you’re more comfortable with a section.

There is no right or wrong way to give birth and it’s your body.

I had a vaginal birth. No fears beforehand as I told myself I would ask for an epidural if needed. When I did ask, it was too late and I made do with gas and air! Not dreadful birth and labour I think. No tears, not cuts therefore no stitches. Was so full of energy afterwards I felt I could have run a marathon! Miffed because I was pushed in a chair to have a bath and I wanted to walk. So glad I didn't have a CS because once it was over it was over.

I was terrified of labour and giving birth too at the beginning of my first pregnancy. By 30 odd weeks I just wanted the baby out. I wanted to avoid a section if possible, I have painful scar tissue from previous abdominal surgeries and didn't want to make it worse. My labour was quick, I had gas and air, and although it was painful as it was it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought. With my second I chose a similar birth plan with only gas and air, and I will be doing the same with my 3rd.

The other thing that’s rarely mentioned is that a) fear slows labour, and makes intervention more likely and b) you rarely hear about the women who do hypnobirthing etc and end up with a traumatic birth / emcs because often they feel like they’ve “done it wrong” (I have several friends in this situation, and it’s awful).

If you’re a bit afraid and some hypnobirthing and counselling could help, great. But if you’re legitimately terrified of progressing then it’s likely to cause problems.

Your feelings are valid and legitimate. You do what feels best for you.

Planned c section .
Say you have read all the pros and cons and that is what you want.