why do some people think that anyone thay says anything positive about pg cb bf etc is trying to be competative

[pregnantbabyelephant]

why is it almost seen as bad to say anything positive about your experience of
either getting pregnant
pregnancy
childbirth
babies
child behaviour

why if a mum says anything like
i did really well in labour i didnt need any pain relief in a matter of fact way
do people think shes acting like its a competion

or that for EXAMPLE
they got pg really quickly
they had an easy pregnancy
coped great in childbirth
find breastfeeding easy
baby sleeps though the night
child does well at school

obv all these things have not i repeat not happened to me
i wish !

however i have noticed that anytime some feels they have done something well for example had a good birth/no pain relief etc

or i felt great during pregnancy

do others say its not a competion
it like they cant talk honestly about there experience

and what should some one with a v bright child do when that child exceeds at school not say so incase they offend anyone ?

As long as it isn't said in a smug way I don't see the problem at all

i dont either compo but it seems a lot of people do

like if someone said that they never felt better/healthier than when pregnant
people want to jump on her a say its not a competion

Message withdrawn

It depends who you say it too - it can be a bit tactless to say to someone who is really struggling with eg pregnancy that you found it easy (which might make it sound like it is their fault that they found it difficult). My SIL said something like that to me. I am sure she did not mean it that way but it made me feel a bit of a failure because I WASN'T finding pregnancy easy! Having said that when you are pregnant and hormonal, everything can sound tactless, however it is said!!

i am not talking about myself
had a v diff pregnancy
v diff birth which ended up with me in the operating theater after birth
crap recovery
lots of probs bf
still probs bf

so im certainly not talking about my exprience
but ive noticed others getting all pissing about it when some mums talk about there good experiences i childbirth

i just think good for you

Well, the thing is with childbirth that for many people, the drug-free birth didn't just happen, it took a certain amount of determination and hard work. So when they say they had a drug free birth I think there actually is an element of pride. Certainly I know people who will happily say they are damn proud of it - and why shouldn't they be?

But it's a very short step from saying you're proud of an achievement to coming over competitive to people who didn't achieve the same thing, especially if they really tried.

My own bugbear (after a tough birth first time round that certainly was not drug free) wasn't simply the people saying they were proud to have done it - that's fine - but the ones who had the 'I did it so anyone else can' attitude, which I thought ignored the fact that births are simply different and some harder than others. That used to upset me quite a lot as it felt like a criticism.
(My second birth was simply a doddle and hence was drug free, not by choice, so I am now much calmer about the whole thing as I no longer feel like a wimp for having an epidural the first time )

kathy i think you are right

"But it's a very short step from saying you're proud of an achievement to coming over competitive "

also people being far too over sensitive and defensive

well i noticed two women talking at the baby clinic about births 1st one was saying how well she did with no pain relief etc
with as you say pride
and quite right to imo
and then the person she was chatting to say well theres no medals for bravery!
in quite a putting down way

i really dont think she was boasting or saying it was easy for me so should be for everyone
she was actually saying how lucky she had been

just made me feel like is this what motherhoods like? why can we celebrate things together and support each other more?

Message withdrawn

I'm told the competitiveness gets even worse when they start school

You are right, there is a lot of oversensitiveness and defensiveness. Why.... maybe because parents are so used to being criticised for every little thing and some people feel very insecure?
It definitely gets easier to celebrate other people's achievements once you are feeling secure about your own.

Message withdrawn

you talk a hell of a lotta sense kathy
you must be very wise!
how may children do you have ?

bloody hell id better brace myself for when dd starts school!

well i suppose it happens in all walks of life not just parenting

like someone getting a great new job
and others around them not being happy for them

sad really isnt it

Message withdrawn

Ooh, thank you PBE, no-one has ever said that to me before

I only have 2 and they're very small .

it just struck me listening to the two new mums both with wonderful healthly newborns
what the hells going on!
if you know what i mean

and it made me realise the time you get judged least in your life is prob when your an adult with no kids

when you become a parent people seems to say lt the judging commence!!! lol

I agree with the OP. I managed without painkillers for the second 2 births and I was proud of it in a way. Doesn't mean I wasn't proud of myself with DS#1 when I had pethedine. It's just a great sense of acheivement. And it isn't meant to belittle anyone who had different experiences. But say it to anyone and it's like you are casting aspersions on them when it isn't meant to be like that at all. I tend not to discuss it anymore which is a shame as it was a fantastic experience and I don't want to forget it.

im not really talking about pathological liers that are always boasting

im just talking about

why if a mum says anything like
i did really well in labour i didnt need any pain relief IN A MATTER OF FACT WAY
not in anyway smug
do people think shes acting like its a competion
cant you you say something well for you without people thinking there saying that there not as good

or not nec about birth could be anything parent related dummy or not
bf or not
child doing well at school or not

Its all in how you say it. Saying "I did really well in labour" is a really odd phrase. It makes it sound like an exam that she revised very well for whilst others slacked off.

I am very proud that I bf 2 babies after having a very hard time with both of them for the first few weeks. But I would never say that to someone I had just met because they could be like one of my friends who tried equally hard but didn't make it. Its about tact really.

well thats just the thing 2nd prson was actually asking 1st person about it !

and then got all pissy when she told her, her experience !

and she wasnt saying smug just matter of fact
and really she was playing down saying oh ive just been lucky

msa what would you say to someone that asked you about bf then ?

aaah thats a bit different then, i only skim read the thread. I just remember meeting an awful woman who kept telling us how easy childbirth was and its was because she went to the gym every day up until the birth. She later mentioned she had had an epidural!

I have had 3 friends who have had babies after me and I just told them them pros and cons of bf as I saw them. And told them things I thought would be useful dispelling some of the myths. When they were stuggling with it I tried to be even handed and said that is does feel great when you crack it but Im sure my babies would have loved milk any which way.

On a similar theme I have had load of people tell me they have given up bf cos of x or y which are often myths (can't drink, on antibiotics, not having enough milk not having the right quality milk or having a stomach bug). And have been torn about giving then the right info so as not to perpetuate the myths and so that could maybe try again with number 2 or not saying anything cos it may make them feel like shit.

msa no mattr how nicely you said it if someone directley asked you about bf and you said
had a very hard time with both of them for the first few weeks
but got there in the end

or words to that effect some would get pissed off about it

and thats what i find sad

its like you cant even say what went well for you
people rarely talk about the good things about having children
only focus on the negative
maybe thats one of the many reasons why pnd is so high ?

Ah, this is the 'real' thread.

C & P'ed:

It's because there is a fine line between proud self confidence and self-congratulatory smug wanker.

Unfortunately, nobody can agree on the exact location of the line.

wt
2nd person was actually asking 1st person about it !

and then got all pissy when she told her, her experience !

and she wasnt saying smug just matter of fact
and really she was playing down saying oh ive just been lucky

i think is a real shame
its like 2nd person was actually hoping 1st person would say she had a shit tim to make her feel better or something

I think you would be giving very sensible advice msa and anyone who got pissy about it, well, that's thier problem.
Actually, I deal with this quite a lot, being American, it is culturally pretty acceptable to boast (cue other expats telling me I'm wrong, but this is my view). However, I doubt if the boasters see themselves as such; perhaps they are honestly trying to celebrate achievements. Much as I like to tell people when things are going my way, I am also the first to take the piss out of myself or have a good moan when things are going wrong.
It does seem to me that it is much more acceptable to talk about things going wrong rather than right, and perhaps pbe is right to suggest a link between that and pnd. Having said that, perhaps this is also due to the fact that we have few representations about what parenting will be like. Usually we see an idealised version, or only half truths, like the dramatic briths on ER, which are totally inaccurate and so the reality comes as a total shock.