Struggling to bond with unborn baby

[onionandsage]

I'm pregnant with my first child and am in my second trimester.

I'm really struggling to bond with my baby, who I've just found out is a girl. A couple of examples:

• My mum asked me the other day if I could "feel her moving yet". For some reason it made me really uncomfortable to hear the baby referred to as "her". I wrote a response talking about "the baby" and "it" and couldn't bring myself to write she/her.

• When touching my stomach to try to bond with the baby, I can't describe how I feel exactly, but I don't get a loving, warm, happy feeling. I just feel a bit odd and self-conscious almost, and move my hand away again. I know some people love talking to and touching their bump and it makes me feel even worse that I'm not one of them.

Background: my DH was always more into having children than me, but I eventually came round to the idea and genuinely thought it was something I wanted to do. After finding out I was pregnant I was really scared and panicked for ages, before starting to adjust to the idea again.

However, since finding out the sex it's suddenly feeling a lot more real again, and whilst I am now tentatively looking forward to the baby's arrival, I don't understand why I'm feeling what I've outlined above.

Does anyone have any advice?

I felt exactly the same, I think one day it kind of clicked. I wouldn't say we're "bonded" but my husband commented around 25 weeks I actually referred to the baby as "she" instead of "it" for the first time. He's always been a lot more excited than I am.

Kinda happened naturally, now I can really feel her wriggling properly - I've accepted it, she's mine and there's no going back.

I know I will feel differently when she's here though - it's just pregnancy I'm not keen on maybe? I'm 33 weeks now and a lot of people are asking if I'm excited etc etc and I don't really have a response still - I feel nothing

I'm hoping it's normal!!

I don't think what you have described is necessarily something to worry about.
It is perfectly normal to feel strange after all you are growing a new human in your own body and it is normal to have a mixture of feelings. If you are worried about it though, talk to your midwife and she may be able to help /direct you to some support.
Personally I am taking things as they come with curiosity - at the start I surprised myself that my husband seemed a lot more to see the baby as a separate being where I just saw it as a part of me / process of my body. That has changed especially now they are moving (don't know sex so mostly saying 'they' 'the baby ' or ' the bump') but it was only the other day that I first felt a warm feeling of looking forward to having them in the outside world. I haven't been worried, unhappy or anything, I think it is just a process to see that as real!

I don't have advice as such but I think alot of women find it hard to 'bond' with a bump I think because its hard to even imagine the fact their is a baby in there. I'm having my 3rd soon and honestly only recently I've started actually saying his name instead of the baby.. But I don't do it often and whenever anyone says anything about him I don't really respond as such maybe for me it's because I've done it twice before and now at 30 weeks I'm totally over being pregnant lol.

Don't worry yourself if your not being the steriotype pregnant woman cooing over a baby bump or talking to your baby etc because honestly as soon as she's born the rush of love you will feel for her is unreal and you will bond with her as soon as she's born xx

You don’t have to bond with her/it yet. I refused to find out the sex before DS was born, and called him ‘it’ al the way through. For me, it was my way of mentally protecting myself should something go wrong. As soon as he was born, I just relaxed.

Yeah I haven't felt 'excited' at all. And anyway I don't think a single emotion word can cover a several month long experience!
The first item of tiny clothing we acquired was pretty cool though! But don't think I particularly connected it with these movements in my belly.
I am not really talking to bump yet. My husband has but mainly in a joking around way!

I never talked to my bump, it felt too odd for me.
I also referred to my DC (and sometimes still do) as ‘the baby’.
The whole pregnancy was surreal, even in the 3rd trimester I’d randomly look down and get a bit of a shock that I’m actually pregnant.

My advice - do not worry. Trust yourself and trust nature - bonding is a very gradual process even after baby arrives.

I have 3 children. I never, ever made the emotional leap between bump and baby. Intellectually, yes. I knew it was my baby but all this faff about loving it so much before it was born? No. It was just part of me, like my arm. I’d miss is if it was gone, but do I actually love it?

Interestingly I never had an overwhelming rush of love when they were born either but I knew, instinctively, the first time that I held all of them, that I’d known them forever.

I hated being pregnant, so I had no hopes of being very maternal when he was born. But oh my goodness, as soon as I looked at him I loved him so much.Don't worry - it'll all be fine!

Eeek - should say don't worry!

I genuinely hated being pregnant, I thought it was horrible although it was made horrible for a lot of reasons but I thought I was going to be a crappy mother and didn't thing I would love him, from the minute he was born it was like an unconditional love, I would never change him and cherish every moment I spend with him, we are together pretty much 24/7 and have an amazing bond that I wouldn't trade for anything. When pregnant nobody was allowed to touch my stomach, I didn't touch my stomach, I wore baggy clothes and always had a high scarf hanging down, I didn't want to hide that I was pregnant I just didn't like being pregnant. Just because you don't feel connected now doesn't mean you won't have an unconditional love for her the second shes born. Theres no better feeling.

Ok...first of all (and I don't want to undermine or dismiss your feelings at all), is it worth a chat to your midwife? How are you feeling in general? Antenatal depression is most definitely a thing and it's ok to seek out support if you feel it's more than 'just' this bonding issue

That being said, I didn't feel enormously connected to either of my children during pregnancy. I didn't find out the sex but I'm not sure it would have made a difference. I knew there was a baby in there but I just couldn't make that seem real. And whilst I got excited about buying little clothes, getting the Moses basket sorted etc it was more because I'd always wanted children and it was fun to be getting together the stuff I'd always hoped I'd be using one day. The actual fact of the baby was very very abstract, I couldn't really imagine what they might look like, how it might feel to hold them etc. Even with my second and I'd already experienced it by that point!

I think what you're feeling is quite normal and it's ok not to do the things like talking to your bump etc. I never did, I mostly just laughed at how huge I was getting

Once they were born the love and bonding were there. First time it was instantaneous. Second time the love was absolutely there but it took me a little while to feel properly connected because by that point I was so used to having a toddler with a distinct personality and my little newborn felt a bit like a neutral blob! Once he woke up a bit more I fell hard and was obsessed with him!

So please try not to worry or force anything, you'll feel your feelings when you're ready to and it's ok not to at this point. But do consider chatting to your midwife in case there's more going on and you need some support. This applies after the birth as well-some people don't feel anything for a while and that's totally ok. But if it's carrying on and you're struggling it's absolutely ok to ask for help.

Good luck OP xx

I didn’t bond with DD during pregnancy, maybe due to horrific sickness. I wasn’t excited and questioned whether I would even like her when she arrived.

Now she’s a boisterous toddler and I love her beyond words.

Oh and I didn’t particularly like children before I had her!

Oh bless you. I don't like trotting out trite words but - a lot of women feel as you do, it's not 'real' until the baby arrives; when your daughter is born I'm sure you'll be fine.

Congratulations and very good luck.

I was similar op, even after he was born it took a while to feel more then a simple protective instinct. I think in my case I was subconsciously emotionally detaching myself in case something went wrong and also was very focussed on the birth and labour as a big unknown. Once he was born I only felt relief and disbelieve that I has got through it. He's nearly 2 now and wonderful. Currently 28 weeks with number 2 and have allowed my self some excitement about her this time.

because honestly as soon as she's born the rush of love you will feel for her is unreal and you will bond with her as soon as she's born

This really doesn't happen for everyone and it's totally ok if it doesn't. It didn't for me. It took several weeks for it to happen for me (I believe due to being stuck in hospital for over a week unnecessarily and totally unable to sleep for the whole of that time, I was literally going through the motions). It can take time and that's ok. I love my boy more than I ever knew possible, but to say it's an instant thing just serves to make those for whom it isn't instant, feel bad

Ah give yourself a break! Take the pressure off. Some people don't bond with their babies until after their born, and many don't bond immediately even then. That has no bearing on whether they are good parents.

You will bond with your baby eventually. In the meantime- you baby has everything she/it (whatever feels right to you) needs.

I felt exactly the same when I was pregnant the first time. I hated every second of it and although I really wanted a child I wasn’t as excited as everyone else seemed - just hacked off about being sick / fat / spotty / achy / unable to sleep / tired / uncomfortable. I didn’t bond for a good month or two with my baby (partly as I had a fairly traumatic birth, which was largely the hospital’s fault as they later admitted - don’t let this worry you though, I had a rare experience!).

Fast forward a few years and I absolutely adore my child and can’t imagine life without her. She is the absolute light of my life, once we got past the awful pregnancy and post-birth recovery! Your feelings are quite normal - don’t worry.

Thanks for the replies - glad to hear that what I’m feeling isn’t completely abnormal. Perhaps things will change as time goes on?

It's always a bit weird when you have to change thinking about what was originally a bunch of cells, into an actual human being! I'm 26 weeks with my second and still not completely thinking of it in the latter sense.
Sometimes I quite like to think of this little person in there who's actually looking forward to meeting me, their mummy! Then I wonder what he/she will look like and what sort of personality they'll have.
Don't worry if you're not all gooey over the bump and buying baby clothes. You're certain my not the only mum-to-be who finds it hard to visualise something they've never seen! All perfectly normal.

I remember having a meltdown 2 days before my first baby was born because I wanted to go and see a local show but because I was so pregnant (overdue at this point) I had been advised not to travel anywhere. I usually was part of the company for this show, and was gutted to have missed it. I wasn't excited about having a baby at all, even though it was planned and mostly wanted - when I wasn't panicking about what I was doing. When she was born, I felt an instant rush of love. Of course, this was back in the dark ages, and I didn't know the sex of the baby (she'll be 29 next year), but I felt no special bond with the bump. It was the same second time round, too.

I don't think I ever thought about trying to bond with the baby before it was born. first time I had a really bad pregnancy with sickness and illness, and certainly didn't bond. It took a while after the birth, mainly because that was fairly traumatic, and I took a while to recover.

Second time I was so busy with a toddler that I rarely thought about the baby arriving.

I really don't think it is that unusual.

I've been thinking this the last few days. I have a feeling my midwife asked if I'd started bonding with baby the last time I saw her (or maybe the time before) and I said not really, but she wasn't bothered. And I'm not either. If I can bond with my pets (most recently my snake, who my mother seems convinced isn't bondable with) I'm sure I can bond to my own flesh and blood when (s)he's here.

I do speak to the bump occassionally, but it feels less normal than when I speak to myself (which I do a lot of the time). I've yet to persuade DP to talk to it, but since he's not the most talkative anyway I'm not at all surprised!

I just feel so odd talking to a bump

Totally normal! I would feel so weird talking to my bump, it would be like having a conversation with my arm.

I found the idea of having a baby so theoretical in my first pregnancy, and now I'm 30 weeks with my second and feel even more detached from it. Everybody has different comfort levels, I find it really freaky to think about how there's an actual living human inside me to be honest. I never felt a rush of love when my first was born either, I was really sad about that and felt abnormal for a long time, but he's a toddler now who is fast asleep on my bump (not the most comfortable thing for me!) and I couldn't love him more.

I felt the same, the whole way through. I actually wonder if it's a self-defence mechanism in case anything goes wrong with the pregnancy. Even at 36 weeks I didn't feel particularly warm towards the baby and it didn't feel "real". I didn't talk to the bump and felt slightly disconnected from the whole process a lot of the time.

Once I had her it was a totally different story. It still took a few weeks for the bond to develop. Now at 10 months she is the love of my life. I have never felt a love like it. So don't worry, it will come!