Struggling to bond with unborn baby

[onionandsage]

I'm pregnant with my first child and am in my second trimester.

I'm really struggling to bond with my baby, who I've just found out is a girl. A couple of examples:

• My mum asked me the other day if I could "feel her moving yet". For some reason it made me really uncomfortable to hear the baby referred to as "her". I wrote a response talking about "the baby" and "it" and couldn't bring myself to write she/her.

• When touching my stomach to try to bond with the baby, I can't describe how I feel exactly, but I don't get a loving, warm, happy feeling. I just feel a bit odd and self-conscious almost, and move my hand away again. I know some people love talking to and touching their bump and it makes me feel even worse that I'm not one of them.

Background: my DH was always more into having children than me, but I eventually came round to the idea and genuinely thought it was something I wanted to do. After finding out I was pregnant I was really scared and panicked for ages, before starting to adjust to the idea again.

However, since finding out the sex it's suddenly feeling a lot more real again, and whilst I am now tentatively looking forward to the baby's arrival, I don't understand why I'm feeling what I've outlined above.

Does anyone have any advice?

I actually can’t really understand people who talk about loving the baby before they are born especially when they’re really early on. I know everyone feels differently.

For me I was excited to be pregnant and to have a baby and I was anticipating all the things I could do with my child and how my life would change but I didn’t know my child to love them yet. When I had a miscarriage I was sad but it was more because I’d expected to have another child in x specific month and had made plans around that fact (age gap would be y years which would be great) and then that went away.

With both mine we had names picked out early but I never called them the name in utero and I never had any kind of nickname for my bump, which would have felt far too twee and cringeworthy to me.

As I got closer to giving birth I was scared and excited. Excited to meet my children for the first time. That’s what it felt like, not that I already knew and loved this person just that I was about to meet the person I would end up loving more than anything and I was excited for that.

I also know someone who wasn’t sure about being pregnant and used “it” the whole way through and they are really just a fantastic parent.

because honestly as soon as she's born the rush of love you will feel for her is unreal and you will bond with her as soon as she's born

As a pp said, this doesn’t happen to a lot of women. So don’t worry if it doesn’t. I found birth exhausting and draining and was just so shocked when my babies were born that I don’t think I felt anything apart from relief and shock. I adore my children now, love the very bones of them. But it took time to work out who they were and what their personalities were.

Don’t feel bad if you don’t get the instant rush of love, it’s something that is perpetuated but not everyone feels it. It’s also ok to not feel ok, in which case talk to your midwife or health visitor and your friends and family.

I used to listen to an audiobooks by Sophie Fletcher. It had guided meditation tracks to help you bond with baby. I started at about 6 months and by the end, I would fall asleep listening to it because I was so relaxed.

You don't have to follow the whole Hypnobirthing stuff but I found the tracks immensely useful.

I think many people do go through what you are feeling, it does feel strange and not everyone does have this amazing bond when they're pregnant.

You will develop a bond though at some point - when you give birth you'll have a massive surge of oxytocin surging through you and that is the chemical responsible for bonding between mother and baby. You will feel it.

Totally normal! I would feel so weird talking to my bump, it would be like having a conversation with my arm

Ha - that’s exactly how I feel.

I’m feeling a lot better about myself (and reassured) after reading this thread!