Girlfriend has shown her hand!

[Ccooped1]

Hi, Im extremely sad and angry with myself over the position I have let myself get into. I am a single dad with custody of 3 young children (aged 4, 6, and 8 YO). I work full time and raise my children on my own and have done for the last 3.5 years. They are amazing and we work so well as a family unit - life couldn't be any better under the circumstances. I moved away from family for work several years ago so my nearest family member is 120 miles away... At present my children have not seen their mom for 19 months as she has moved away without any idea. I get zero support, of which I don't moan about as i'm fortunate to have a good job and be motivated to my children. They have everything children need, an extremely special bond with me, they are taught morals / values, have life experiences etc. Again I am lucky to be able to do this. I have got my head down over the initial 3 years on my own ensuring my children are in a good place emotionally after the disappearing act of mother.
I have just done the basics right, worked hard, renovated a house for us to grow old in, and been a dads taxi of course.

Anyway now the scene is set, I have a major issue. Over the last year I have been building a relationship with a girl who I thought was very caring and in a similar position to me would be a safe bet. We have been open about our situation, limited time we spent together and agreed on things like kids, marriage moving in together etc. It was clear that as she had 2 children and I have 3, that I did not want any more children as it just doesn't make sense obviously to me and I dont want to change nappies for ever! Anyway after being on the pill she is pregnant and basically told me to f off she is keeping it. I know we can all say you should have not listened to her and used a condom but it has been a year and i thought trust was there. My point of view is that I have been clear from day one and this is all against my consent. She already has 2 children off different dads and I am not judging by this but surely she wants solid foundations to void being in her current position again. She has told me that she is having it regardless of what I say. I know her kids dads are not the best so she wants a good dad but this is all wrong. She is not listening to me and everytime I try and talk calmly to her she goes off on one and i see a side I never once thought was there. I understand that there is nothing i can do so this message really is me venting off and hoping that someone can tell me they have had something similar or what on earth I am going to do. I would never ever walk away from a child so I will be there for it no matter what, with regards to the mother I cannot be false and this is betrayal and whilst I am not a nasty person I cannot move forward with a women like this. I feel such a fool!!

@BarleyG the guidance says there is no health benefit to the 7 day break, so you can take it continuously. The reason it's deemed to potentially reduce the risk of pregnancy, is because people often miss the pill either side of the break, therefore theoretically reducing or removing the break makes this less likely. Missing them though is not correct usage.

OP has turned out to be horrible to be honest, but none of us will ever know, it is absolutely not beyond the realms that women purposefully stop taking oral contraception without telling their partners, because they do.

I was supportive of you when I read your first post OP. I can imagine its a situation that is far from easy for you.

But then I read what you wrote about wanting more DC if you found your dreamgirl.

Its very clear that she was good enough to keep your sheets warm until ‘The One’ would come along, but because she doesn’t meet your standards for that, her unborn child should not come from into this world, according to you.
You wrote in your opening post that you are teaching your children values and morals but what kind of moral mindset is this?

I feel sorry for her now and I hope she will do what feels good to her and not what you want as its obviously you’ll dump her anyway when something better comes along.
Poor woman.

@Soontobe60 you’re talking nonsense. Even with perfect usage the pill is 99.1% effective and with normal usage 91% effective. With perfect usage condoms are 98% effective, they are 85% effective with actual usage.
The poster who was saying she hated condoms and she would be upset if her DH had continued to use them. Why? He’s ensuring he does his bit to prevent pregnancies and not leaving it down to you. It’s not necessarily a comment about you but about him being responsible for his choices. Why aren’t more men brought up to be responsible, it shouldn’t be down to the women to prevent pregnancies alone and still have to deal with the crap if there is a failure.

I'm going to be jumped on too but the fact she has several children by different men would have been a red flag for me. You also mention you have a good job and not wanting anymore children was discussed. Yes you should have worn protection but I definitely feel there's been a hidden agenda here and you are possibly her meal ticket

As women have only a small window of oppurtunity each month to get pregnant and the average man is fertile 24 hours a day, the OP should have taken responsibility for his own fertility.

@GiveHerHellFromUs

I saw that but wasn't sure if she meant that she was taking it throughout, or whether she was at first and he assumed that she was continuing to take it when it fact she had stopped.

I disagree that it’s because of a women’s small window that a man should take responsibility.
That’s no reason at all.
Both men and women need to take responsibility, but when you trust one another and have made a decision about a form of contraception you can’t really blame the man for it

It isn't major surgery, it's keyhole and the only thing I had to recover from was the anaesthetic

Depends on the individual. Not all sterilisation can be done with keyhole surgery.

Any woman who says they got pregnant despite taking the pill correctly and following all the instructions on using additional contraception if certain things happen are kidding themselves

If that were the case then nobody would have invasive operations to ensure they can't conceive again.

The misogyny on this thread, internalised and otherwise is shocking. Men can bugger off and never see their child that they created. The woman is always the one who bears the consequences. The most that happens to the man is he (possibly) has to pay 12% of what he earns (a bare minimum amount of money not sufficient to raise a child on) . Even then, the most unscrupulous ones wriggle out of it.

Yes it is key hole but I know a few women over the years who have needed full removal due to health issues, cancer etc and the recovery was exactly the same as recovering from my c section. Yes they had less scaring but they still experienced weeks of pain, swelling, having to adjust their day because they wouldn't walk far. It's so easy to down play it all but I'm sorry it's still major surgery.

I can fully imagine that if men were able to opt out of being in a child’s life, financially also then I seriously think a lot more women would have the abortion that they absolutely was dead set against before they realised they wouldn’t be getting the free money and upper hand out of it.

I want to visit your planet. It sounds great.

SoVeryLost

I was the.poster who said that about condoms. Why would I be upset? Because I don't like them, they would frequently give me thrush and they made it very uncomfortable for me.

Had my DH insisted on using them then to.me, he would be saying that he didn't trust me.

I don't think.it should be the woman's responsibility but if the woman is happy to assume that responsibility then why is that a problem?

Is it wrong when a couple choose to use only condoms or the man has a vasectomy? Surely that's making the man take responsibility? Would you argue that the woman should also be using contraception too as it's both partners responsibility?

I did not consent to this

But you did....when you had sex without a condom.

Wow, early 30's with 4 kids to support, get a vasectomy mate!

when you trust one another and have made a decision about a form of contraception you can’t really blame the man for it

You can expect him to step up if a baby results though. Poor men who can't control their poor little boy brains and urges to have sex, eh?

I wonder if the OP blamed his previous partner(s) for his other 3 kids? I'll bet he doesn't have 'custody' of them either.

Wow, early 30's with 4 kids to support, get a vasectomy mate!

Why isn't the mother of his 3 children having to contribute, even financially towards their upbringing? It shouldn't be on just him should it?

If that were the case then nobody would have invasive operations to ensure they can't conceive again.

Yes, they would, because of the health problems that are associated with long-term use of the pill. Some women are told they must come off it because they have high blood pressure, for example.

Would you argue that the woman should also be using contraception too as it's both partners responsibility?

I have seen threads on here where people have said they use 2 methods of contraception as a matter of course. One of those batshit “only on MN” things. Only on MN does properly used contraception have extremely low failure rates. Everyone and her dog seems to get pregnant whilst using it here.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras agree with your posts.

CareOfPunts

Completely agree with you.

That's rubbish @CareOfPunts. And some people are way more fertile than others. Some people find they can't conceive when they use nothing (infertility is on the increase). There are other methods of contraception these days too than the pill. None of them are 100% effective though.

Moomin8

But in all of the relationships that I know of people only use 1 form of contraception. I've never known of people using 2.

Ime women use hormonal contraception because of the added benefits to them, as well as for contraception. So it's not all just risk and burden for us, there are benefits too.

If a single father with 3 children is having regular sex with a woman who is not the "girl of my dreams", he should use a condom. No sympathy from me. He knew how sex works.

*extemely high failure rates

And some people are way more fertile than others

Yeah, I’m one of them. Managed not to get pregnant though in 13 years on the pill and was pregnant less than 3 weeks after I stopped.