Labour and birth partners

[Jsnb9319]

Hello

So a sensitive subject between DH and I is who is going to be at the labour and just looking for some experiences and advice please. I'm 27 weeks so a little way to go yet but my DH is very upset so it's a constant discussion at the moment.

I've said all along I want both my DH and my mum at the labour but he feels like he is being pushed aside to have mum there. Mum has even said she will take a step back, it's me who wants her there not her wanting to be there.

DH says he feels that me wanting my mum there too means he is not enough to support me even though I have never said that. I've said the support both will give is different, and my mum has been through pregnancy and labour twice, something he just can't do but doesn't take away from his support. He has also acknowledged that he knows its selfish but he just wanted it to be the two of us.

I've told him I'm actually really scared of labour so that's why I want them both there so I don't have to be on my own at any point but he still sees it as he isn't enough.

He also has said he feels threatened by my mum and is worried she will tell him and the midwives what to do. My mum is bossy and a bit of a know it all but she knows it and I have spoken to her to share his concerns about the birth and she has taken that on board.

We've both asked friends and his friends have said "it's not a stage show why would you want an audience" where my friends have been well it's your labour so you call the shots.

Previously, the first time this came up he agreed for my mum to be there if she leaves as soon as baby arrives so the 3 of us can have time together, I was completely happy with that but now he has brought this up more than once again.

I just wondered if anyone else has been in this position before or has any advice on how I can make him feel at ease with this?

Dh was with me most of the time but had to go and feed animals so my mother stayed with me for that time. If it’s a long labour like mine was it might be useful so one can go and have a coffee or something to eat especially if you don’t want to left alone as I didn’t.

Hello, I’m nearly 26 weeks and recently had the same conversation with my DH. My mum wasn’t present for the birth of my sisters daughter, and as I am having twins she asked if she could be at mine - DH absolutely hates the idea. Similarly to you, he wants it to be just for us, and feels mum would push him out and take over his role as birthing partner (and he’s right - she would; another bossy mother here too!). He really hates the idea - so we have told her no. To be honest though, I don’t particularly feel like I’ll need her there either. She has a fairly archaic view of pregnancy and child rearing (thinks yoga breathing/hypnobirthing are ‘nonsense’ etc) and she really is bossy / opinionated so I think I personally will feel much happier and calmer just with DH, who will know and respect my birth preferences - whereas I honestly don’t think I could say that about my mother at all.

Told mum, she had a small grump but is otherwise completely fine about it. I totally agree with your friends that whatever you think you’ll need in the room on the day is very important - but there’s something to be said about ‘not wanting an audience’ too - I’m fairly certain my mum just wanted to be in there to see it happen and have the bragging rights!!

How realistic do think your DH's view of what birth will be like is? It may be that he has a bit of a rose tinted view of what will and can happen and that's stopping him from seeing the ways in which he having your mum there could be a bonus. I wonder if he is also conscious of his own family (would his mum be jealous of your mum having been there?)

Ultimately I think you're the one who has to go through it so you get to choose but obviously it's better to come to a mutual agreement. Perhaps try to create a birth plan which shows who you want to do what, so that he can see the plan is for him to be the primary partner and mum to be the secondary one - might that help?

If your DH has said he will uncomfortable with your DM being there, but eventually comprises and agrees with your wishes for her to be there, you will probably be worried about it during labour. The last thing you need at that time is to worry about them getting along and their dynamic. It would also be a bit odd for her to be at the birth and being ejected immediately afterwards. So, I'd just have one birthing partner ( DH).
Incidentally, in my experience I didn't want anyone other than DH near me. Less is more.

I wouldn't want more than one birthing partner and it was always dh. He made the baby, he would be there when it's born (although he's less thrilled about the second one now he knows what's coming).

Telling your mum to leave as soon as the baby is born is weird- does she know that's the plan? How does she feel about it?

I had both my OH and my mum at my labours. I need both of them for different reasons; OH to make me laugh and obvs see the birth of his children, Mum because she's practical and I knew when it started to get tough I would need her voice of reason.
My OH never had a say in the matter really, I think the fact they get on well meant I never had to question it.
My mum said being at the birth of both her grandchildren were the greatest moments of her life.
My OH got first cuddles, cutting the cord, changing the tar nappy and for my son first feed. My daughter was boob so that was on me. But my mum got cuddles too and that is something I'm grateful for. Her bond with my children has been amazing from day one.

I kind of see this from both points of view.
I had my mum and my Partner at the time with me for my 1st.. didnt really bother me who was there once i was in labour as i was more bothered about the fact i was about to have a baby and my mum being there made no difference but after birth i found out (i was in the shower) that my mum actually held our son before his dad got chance too! This really annoyed me but i didnt know till the next day. She probally didnt do it on purpose but this got to my partner as you can imagein.
With my 2nd she looked after my eldest and it was just me and DH which was so much better.. its more intimate with just you and your partner and no one else being there and i much prefered it. Of course she moaned a bit when i told her that i didnt want her there but its my labour so she had to just suck it up. This time it will just be me and my DH again.
If you so badly want her there then your DH will have to just get over himself feeling the way he does but i do also think you need to take what hes feeling into concideration too and really weigh it up. Maybe she can come for an hour then go home or something?
The other thing is no one knows how long labour will be. I have short labours but of course you could have a long one so suppose if dh wanted to nip off for a coffee or something then you would still have someone with you. (This happened to my sister and her oh nearly missed the birth of their daughter and my mum had to go on a hunt for him lol) x

You'll have to put your foot down and insist your mum will be there too as you wish. This is about you and not all about dh - you're the one who has to go through with the actual labour after all.

I was with my DD and her DH in the early stages of labour . I was going to.leave when they went to delivery suite but they both asked me to stay. It was a great experience. I then helped DD shower while SIL looked after the baby . It's your choice OP .

Thank you all for your replies, definitely some things to think about.

I do think he has a slightly rose tinted view of it, and I guess I feel like I'm preparing for the worst - hours long and mum can go get coffee/pop home to feed our cat/etc, I have a high risk pregnancy so just kind of want to prepare for something being wrong.

I do think there is something going on about his mum not being there that he isn't being upfront about. My MIL and I have had a distant relationship since becoming pregnant as I find her overbearing so I've purposefully avoided situations where I could find her too much and he thinks that means I don't like her.

I have mentioned to mum about her going once baby is born, and I do mean as soon as is practically possible not literally "popped out see ya mum!" And she has said she agrees and wants the 3 of us to have time to be a family and also doesn't want to put my MIL out.

My mum has also mentioned about a second pregnancy being just DH and I as we know we want a second because someone will need to look after this one!

Maybe I'll talk to them both about her being there for just like an hour or something as suggested, that's quite a good idea.

I really appreciate the responses though, thank you all :)

I had both DH and DM. I was so glad I did in the end, quite a long labour and DH needed to go outside to update his family and get a coffee. I cried when he left so was grateful to have my DM there. She didn't want to get in the way so sat in the room quietly until I needed her.

Tell your DH that just because your DM is there it doesn't mean she'll take over, he will be the main person by your side but she will be there for extra support.

@Jsnb9319 With my first I had just me and my husband and I was glad I did as with our first it's a very special moment that just the 3 if us got to share my mum was my first visitor as soon as I had him an couple if hrs later when I could have visitors, but am currently pregnant with 2nd and am having my mum and husband who is fine with my mum being there this time as he realises how hard and long it is now so is actually glad if the support him self he would of been fine 1st time but I did feel it was something just for us the 1st time.

If you plan on having more than 1 could you possibly do this option as a compromise?

I'm training to be a doula. I've always been fascinated by childbirth ever since my neighbour/family friend had to fight for a homebirth when I was about 9. She eventually had one! We all heard the whole thing! It was amazing!

Anyway,since the age of 18, I've supported various friends and relatives through labour in an informal doula capacity and what works best is when you have birth partners who can support each other as well as the woman. Even simple things like coffee runs in the hospital or for one to step out and get some air. People who know the woman and can discuss together when they think something is amiss with her or that she's not being listened to.

What I've seen is that even when those people aren't the closest, this event where their shared loved ones are vulnerable unites them and starts them on a new journey. Even if it is just for those few hours. It's like they remember what they have in common rather than their differences. I've discussed this with a midwife friend and she agreed from her experience too.

If everything is straightforward, you could be home just hours after the birth. What you could do is give your mum the job of going home after the birth and just getting the house warm and ready. If it looks like you'll be staying a night or two, he could then go home and get some rest and a shower (he'll need one!) and mum can swap back with him to come to the hospital with you and baby.

There is a subset of the childbirth community that some might refer to as radical who very much see childbirth as a woman's realm and feel the move towards fathers in the birth setting as a patriarchal intrusion in a very similar way to gender neutral toilets or self gender identification. One thing literature supporting this PoV will sometimes state is how this is exacerbated by poor relations between male partners and MIL so that age old global tradition of the mother or older female relative supporting the labouring woman through a female rite of passage is obstructed. If you need your mum with you, have her there. Not at the expense of your husband in any way but don't feel bad to take "her not being their at the birth" off the table. This is your labour.*

Get your partner and mum to have a chat together by text/phone whatever and be honest about their fears and how they will get around them. I would get your partner to be more open minded to exactly when your mum will leave. Sometimes it can take a little while to suture and in that time, it would be ideal for baby to have skin to skin with you (with dad by your side to support you both), dad (with 2nd birth partner supporting you), or 2nd BP (with dad supporting you). You won't need support because suturing is painful (should never be painful), but because you're a bit overwhelmed by the whole event and just need someone close. Same when you have a shower. Baby might still want to be held and it will be best for you to have a hand in the shower. So 2 known people work well in that situation too. One to hold baby and one to help you. Of course a midwife/HCA will be around but people often prefer someone close/known.

When a new baby comes along,giving everyone regardless of age a role to do usually stops them from feeling excluded. I'd give MIL a role to do around the new baby's arrival.

*I always tell people that they really dont need me. Ill be at the end of a text/call and doing enough in pregnancy to become informed is often all you need to feel in control of your labour (as much as is feasible).

I had my mum and my partner at my first birth. To be honest I was a bit unsure of how it would go and I wasn't sure that I wanted her to be there my labour ended up being 24 hours and I can honestly say my mum was a god send being there!

She is a bit like you've mentioned your mum bossy and would tell the Midwife's what she thought etc but it was a really good thing she has your best interests at heart and men can sometimes be a bit useless when it comes to it! After all mums have done it before so they know what to expect!

My partner decided to tell me part way through labour that he had really bad trapped wind so he had to go for a walk as he was in pain hahaha this was probably due to the fact that he spent some of the time eating sour cream and chive Pringles next to me which I wanted to ram up his bum!!

At the end of the day it is a joint decision but it's you having to go through all the pain! If it's your first it's likely that it won't be a quick labour so having your mum there might be a good thing! If she gets too much you can always just ask her to go home haha.

Also after baby was born my mum made a swift exit and left us to bond as a family. I ended up having forceps so I think of my mum wasn't there my partner would have freaked!!!!

@Jsnb9319 you should definitely have your mum there i see it as it will be the toughest thing a woman ever does and you need who you need to get you through.

I'm hoping to have hubby mum and mil at my birth I hope I am allowed them because I would hate to leave one out although I would choose my mum.
I am so so close to both of them and they are great friends too and dh gets along great with my mum and his obviously so I think it would be fine

I had my mum with me and dp. She was the one who came round to theatre with me in the end up, dp doesn’t do well with blood, gore, sick or stressful situations and at that moment we had a baby stuck on his way out where the options were maybe forceps will work and if not an emergency section and pulling him back up n out. So dp was already flapping.. he’d have melted if he went to theatre, I started to feel really faint and sick, baby’s heart rate was dropping. Fortunately forceps worked and the senior consultant was extremely quick. But he’d have needed a bed next to me.

He was also shit at holding a cup still and close enough to me to get a bloody drink.. while being a martyr and asking what happens if I died or other strange situations (anxiety talking but I still wanted to lamp him).

Part of having dm with me was that she obviously knows me better than dp when it comes to pain/stress and that well I didn’t want to be asking dp to help me to the loo or something if I puked he’d run, if I shit he’d die

I sit firmly on being baffled by having parents at births. I have a fantastic relationship with my mum, love her to pieces and she’s just the best Granny. She was an enormous support post birth.

But having children is between me & my other half. It’s our moment as a couple & as our own little family. We are adults about to have a baby. It never crossed my mind to have anyone other than him there. Perhaps it depends on your other half, I’m very lucky with mine. His support of me never wavers. During labour he never left my side bar toilet breaks or to speak to the midwife if I asked him too. When things got scary, he held my hand & reassured me it would all be OK. He did everything my mum could have possibly done. Sure, she’s had a baby before but 29 years ago. My other half was probably more clued up on modern births from ante-natal classes!

I gave birth at 3pm & my mum promptly arrived at 4.30pm once I was down on the ward. So she didn’t miss much! She did the first nappy change with my other half as I was still waiting for my epidural to wear off!

Each to their own but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your other half to want the birth of your child to be between you & him!

If you're frightened of labour have a look at the Positive Birth Company Digital Pack together. It's excellent and has lots of great advice for birth partners, it might help redirect his feelings of rejection as you can come up with a clear plan together of what your preferences are in different circumstances so you can feel more empowered.

digitalpack.thepositivebirthcompany.co.uk/

I had my mum and oh there with 1st but weve both agreed shes not being there this time
She was a royal pain in the arse and got in the way. Constantly nearly ripping the line out of my hand, leaning on my legs when i was contracting, kept hanging on to my hand so i was contracting and shaking her off at the same time. I would like it to be just us this time. Ive considered MIL as she has 3 boys and wont get the chance and not worried about her being there but im not sure yet

Ok the baby is both of yours but you are the one giving birth. No offence but your husband will be watching while you do all the hard work. So l think it’s only right that you get the support that you think you will need

sit firmly on being baffled by having parents at births

Most of the world are baffled at why we have our partners there. They think it is between inappropriate and stupid.

I sent my husband packing during my birth. The last thing I wanted was a man about. i did it on my own but if I had to have a partner it would have been another woman.

I had only my DH for all three births and intend to do so for this one too.

Thou I think if you have a strong relationship with your mum it's useful to have her there.

My mum came uninvited at my first labour, I didn't know how to make her leave. She wasn't helping and was more scared than me, but that's my case. I'm not in a super close relationship with mum, and to be honest I saw a side of my husband during labour that I didn't know( a good one, he was helping a lot).

@Jsnb9319 what about starting labour with your husband and having mum ready in case things go for the long? I'm pretty sure he won't say no when he gets tired and sees how labour is like.

I am very close to my mum and she wanted to be my birth partner. I had a high risk birth and knew that interventions were likely. My mum birthed 2 large babies vaginally with only gas and air, and has strong views against interventions. I decided to just have my DH as I knew he would advocate for what I wanted. I ended up having to have a c section.