Labour and birth partners

[Jsnb9319]

Hello

So a sensitive subject between DH and I is who is going to be at the labour and just looking for some experiences and advice please. I'm 27 weeks so a little way to go yet but my DH is very upset so it's a constant discussion at the moment.

I've said all along I want both my DH and my mum at the labour but he feels like he is being pushed aside to have mum there. Mum has even said she will take a step back, it's me who wants her there not her wanting to be there.

DH says he feels that me wanting my mum there too means he is not enough to support me even though I have never said that. I've said the support both will give is different, and my mum has been through pregnancy and labour twice, something he just can't do but doesn't take away from his support. He has also acknowledged that he knows its selfish but he just wanted it to be the two of us.

I've told him I'm actually really scared of labour so that's why I want them both there so I don't have to be on my own at any point but he still sees it as he isn't enough.

He also has said he feels threatened by my mum and is worried she will tell him and the midwives what to do. My mum is bossy and a bit of a know it all but she knows it and I have spoken to her to share his concerns about the birth and she has taken that on board.

We've both asked friends and his friends have said "it's not a stage show why would you want an audience" where my friends have been well it's your labour so you call the shots.

Previously, the first time this came up he agreed for my mum to be there if she leaves as soon as baby arrives so the 3 of us can have time together, I was completely happy with that but now he has brought this up more than once again.

I just wondered if anyone else has been in this position before or has any advice on how I can make him feel at ease with this?

Your body, your decision.

So good to hear from so many people and experiences, this has been really useful for me.

@jollybobs89 had me cracking up with your DH, that sounds exactly like something my DH would do!!

I do think the suggestion to have them speak to each other is a good one, they don't even not get along but I guess it's just a very high emotion situation for everyone.

I've said to DH I'm happy to discuss this but seeing as I'm not due until Feb I'd like to park this until after Christmas because we just go in circles when we do discuss.

Thank you again everyone, it has been really helpful to read x

Can you get them to talk to each other and make sure they're both agreed about putting whatever you want first, and both are aware of your birth plan and can advocate for you if necessary (eg if you want pain relief you might need them to support you in this).

FWIW my DH was very nervous about the birth but was well informed and was an absolute star throughout. We planned it so that he could stay with me the whole time (he used nicotine patches so he didn't have to go out for a fag!), had snacks with us for both of us etc. I was adamant I wasn't having my mum anywhere near as she's quite bossy and would have been a pain. So she stayed at her home 150 miles away and then travelled down to meet the baby on day 2, which gave us plenty of time together as the three of us (we were in hospital until day 3).

My mums been my birth partner for 4/5 of my births.
I only had her for the first 3 births I was in an abusive relationship and was back and fourth with him. She was my rock!
With number 4 she was there with my partner and with my 5th,baby was born before she got to the hospital so missed it by about 20 mins.
Although it was nice for it to be just me and him I could of really done with her there as it was the most painful birth and I was acting crazy, she would of calmed me down and not let me get in such a state.

Ultimately its each to their own and some will want there mum and some won't, my mums got an incredible bond with all my children and I truly believe it's because she watched them enter the world. Men are useless in labour because they have no clue what's going on and don't know how to help you, mums are the best because they've been through it themselves.

I just had my husband there for both our births. I love my mum to bits but there is no way on earth I was having her there. It was never even discussed but think I'd have been on my husbands side actually 😂. In my mind it's the most important, amazing, intense, overwhelming, heart warming yet totally insane experience you ever go through & feel it only needs to be shared with the babies father. Of course there are cases where that isn't possible & that's a different situation but if the partner is planning to be there I can't see why you'd want anyone else there too.

Ultimately maybe you can find a compromise that involves your mum but doesn't necessarily have her there throughout. Perhaps that would work for both of you.

Good luck & enjoy the crazy motherhood journey!!

I'm sorry to say but this is not your husbands choice, my mum has been at everyone of my labours and I don't think I could do it without her there and also if my husband needs a little brake my mum is there with me,I hope all goes well for you.

I had both of them there for my labour and birth 5 months ago. My labour took an unexpected and quite scary turn, when all the alarms went off and the consultants rushed in to prep me for emergency c section (thankfully DS heart rate recovered so I didn't need it in the end), but it was frightening and they were both glad to have each other for support while it happened. I was also thankful for my mum being there as she somehow managed to speed up the epidural process, I couldn't speak at some points and DH was helping me through contractions, so she was able to keep on at the midwives to hurry and it worked.

I felt the midwives were putting a lot of pressure on me to have a natural birth with no epidural, and my mum stood up to them which I was so thankful for in the end. Once DS was born she left us to have alone time. I'm glad she was there because we can all talk about the experience, I'd do it that way next time definitely.

I wouldn’t want my mum there at ALL but if you want yours then you should have her there. Hear your DH out if he’s got some big problem with her, but if it comes down to what you’d prefer vs what he’d prefer, the person actually going through birth gets the final say.

I had mum with me (h was 6000 miles away working) and she was far better than him who was present for dc2. In the U.K. the rooms are small, having two people isn't usually advised

I had both my DH and my Mum there, I was quite adamant from the beginning that it was what I wanted.

I have no regrets, DH and Mum were company for each other as I was in my own little bubble and didn't really want to bother with anyone. My Mum was great during the pushing phase as was my DH. Once DD was born, and both myself and DH had cuddles I offered my Mum a cuddle with DD and she said that she'd wait until later as it was our moment and shortly after arranged for my Dad to pick her up so that we could be just the three of us, we both insisted that she had a hold before she went, could see how much she wanted to and it was a really lovely moment

I am going to be my daughters birth partner and to be perfectly honest I am so scared !! The thought of my daughter being so vulnerable and me being her advocate is such a massive responsibility!! I am actually a very confident person and very vocal but am worrying!!

Labour is about you not the family or the baby. To be honest I would question his ability to be your birth partner if he is already making the birth about him and the ‘family’ more about you. Are you sure you would be able to trust him to advocate for what you want, if he’s already trying to make you change your mind?

I'm having my partner and my mum there. I wasnt sure about having my mum at first and when she offered I initially declined. However, my partner was worried about getting there, due to work, so I do have my mum down as a birth partner. DP has said hed like a moment after baby is born where it's just the three of us and I have explained that to my mum and said she'd probably like to inform my dad at that point. She was fine with this and actually got emotional thinking of how we would be feeling at that point. Personally it is up to you who you have there, you will find a way to compromise and hopefully have it how you want it to go.