Visitors when baby is born

[PinterStar]

What is everyone doing about visitors when their baby is here?

My parents don't live close and are planning on coming to stay for a week or two to "help" but I don't understand what they mean by this! It's my first baby so perhaps I'm naïve but - we don't cook as we have a food delivery service, daily cleaning is minimal (just cat stuff, a bit of hoovering and laundry - all of which takes max half an hour)...all I can imagine wanting to do is stay in bed/on the sofa with the baby and DH!

My dad is also awful for moaning and bitching about people when they're not in a good state. He always complains about visiting my grandparents because it's boring, complains about visiting other people's children because they're noisy. I had a miscarriage last year and then made the very long journey to see them as was previously arranged and he keeps bringing up what a "terrible state" I was in. I was tired, that was it. I still made their Christmas dinner and participated in everything, I was just in bed by 9pm most evenings, fell asleep on the sofa after we'd been out, etc. And I know he'll be the same about me and a new baby if we're not up and about entertaining him all day long and going out for dinner.

I don't want to damage our relationship so I'll probably just suck it up but it is kind of stressing me out. Are other people having visitors in the week or two after birth? If you have before, was it actually helpful? I just really can't imagine what help is needed (but, as I said, this is my first baby and perhaps I have no idea!)

Tell them no. I've had someone at my house pretty much every day since birth to help as I had a C-section. I definitely need someone here but it's still too much - if you don't need to help then tell them no

"Thanks for your offer of help when the baby is born. We would really like to see how we get on as a family of 3 by ourselves, so let's play it by ear and if we need the extra help we will let you know. For now let's arrange for you to come for 1 or 2 nights just to visit"
Is what I would say to my parents but it depends on your relationship.

Wait a few weeks. The first couple of days you'll run on adrenaline and think you're fine. Then the next couple of weeks you'll be exhausted.

Honestly I'm nearly 6 months in and still couldn't bear hosting for family for more than a few hours (but I am antisocial )

I agree with beanbag. Baby 1 you won't need help for straight away. And there will be midwife, health visitor etc coming - they don't specify when - you just have to stay in for them. Depending on your birth depends on how long they are there for.

Immediately after birth I would be looking for parents to visit for an afternoon max. Book them a hotel locally of the drive is too much for a one day visit.

Let them come for a few days in a couple of months - when you are at the point you will be grateful to hand baby over so you can cooks, clean, shower etc etc And plan to visit them for an extended period as well. It is lovely to build the bonds with baby and grandparents. And if/when you ever have another - then you will probably be asking them to come to 'help'.

Bonnie sorry you're struggling after your C-section. I hope it starts to get easier for you soon. You're right that how the birth goes will make a big difference. Tbh I'd be happy having my mum here to help in that scenario - it's just exactly what I don't want from my dad though, given his attitude.

AmIThough yes, I wouldn't say I'm particularly antisocial but I don't like people being around all the time and I just know my parents aren't the kind who will take themselves out or do their own thing without lots of huffing and puffing.

BeanBag and MumDiva unfortunately we live really far away so a week is the absolute minimum they'd come for. I might suggest they take a couple of days minibreak in a local touristy area to break it up a bit. I've planned a two week visit to them when baby will be 6 months old and we'll do another two weeks at Christmas next year. I wish I had the kind of relationship with them where I could say how I really felt but I don't.

Just say a night is fine but more is too much as you need bonding time and time to establish bf etc - perhaps even offer a local hotel ?

Then plan a week and make it work for you. do you have family locally they could go visit? You could ask people to host them for a meal here and there. Book them some theatre/cinema trips. As you suggested a night away too. Then when they are here....let them help. Another thing you can do if your partner only has a couple of weeks paternity is to get them to come when he's back at work ....as you don't need the help till then....Then you still get your first few weeks of just you guys.

OP, my mum is coming for 3/4 weeks to help me after my first baby arrives. I could not imagine it any other way. HOWEVER- she will get stuck in and help me. She'll cook and clean and help with the baby. I will not have to entertain her in any way. So it's completely different. I'm not sure how any parent can expect to be entertained when you've just come out of the hospital with a newborn ?? You could make sure you tell your parents this. If they want to come to actually help out, they're welcome to- but you won't be able to entertain them whilst they're here, as your main priority is your baby!

This might be a cultural thing, but in my culture it's expected that the granny- not mother in law, comes and stays with the mother in the last weeks of pregnancy and after birth to look after her daughter and new grandchild. She's expected to get her hands dirty big time to let the daughter rest up a bit and also to help out with any baby stuff the daughter might not be sure about. She would also 'entertain' any other family members that come to visit during that time, so the daughter doesn't need to worry about it.

Whilst I understand some new mums wouldn't want this at all and would probably find it intrusive -I'm really grateful for it. I have the rest of my life to be alone with my baby and bond as a family. The first few weeks are going to be tough, especially if you have a c- section/ are very injured from vaginal birth.

What bean said - wait a while, shorter visit. Any chance they can stay somewhere else (insert spurious reason here)? Otherwise you will need to be clear in telling them what you need from them - go out by themselves, go to the shops for you, take baby for a walk, whatever. Sitting on their asses for two weeks isn’t helpful, funnily enough.

I didn’t want visitors but MIL kicked off and said she would report us if we didn’t let her be the first to meet DS. (Genuinely... she’s difficult) and then that opened the fecking doors.
It was 10 days before I had a day alone with my baby and I’m very bitter about it. It’s nice to see people but once they started i found it so difficult to stop people. I was so tired I could assert myself at all, and usual i am that person.
My advice would be to start as you mean to go on, set your boundaries and stick to them before the adrenaline wears off and you’re stuck in a cycle you don’t want.

@ChrisPrattsFace can I ask why you were bitter about it ? I'm just interested to understand because I haven't had a baby before and I don't want to end up feeling the same way. I imagine that at the beginning one would want the extra support? I don't know, maybe I have the wrong impression of motherhood. But I imagine that once the dust settles, it can be quite lonely and isolating ? So there is plenty of time to be alone with the baby. I imagine that I would enjoy company at the beginning and that the fact that people want to visit me and my baby would make me feel loved, rather than wanting time alone with the baby straight away. This is what I 'imagine'- but it might be very different in reality and I hadn't thought about that until I read your post. Any light you can shed on how you felt and why it bothered you, would be really useful. Thank you.

tryagain20 that sounds great but my mum will never go anywhere without my dad. I did suggest that just she came earlier (like before delivery) and helped in the earlier days because I thought she'd be able to help with how to breastfeed and settle the baby. But she'll only come if my dad comes too and I don't want him around in the early days because he'll just get bored and then be rude about it all (probably not to my face but I've heard him bitch about other people enough to know what he'll say behind my back - I don't know why I even care but I do).

@PinterStar that really sucks. I wouldn't want my dad around either, as he doesn't get it either and would get bored and frustrated and make everyone feel rubbish - how selfish - so I totally understand.

Set the boundaries now then if that's how it's going to be, or speak to your mum about it. Don't let anyone bring you down at this special and vulnerable time ! Be as selfish as you need to be in order to look after yourself. And don't feel bad about it! Your dad clearly doesn't feel bad about the way he makes you feel ( if he knows ).

I would just say as it’s your first child you are unsure what to expect but you would like to be just the 3 of you and perhaps arrange for them to come for a bit when your partner is back to work?

I always find these in-law threads amusing/fascinating, my in-laws live in the next village and I’ve only seen them about 5 times in 4 years

Mrsmememe 😂😂 I actually get on quite well with my in-laws! They're much more straightforward plus they're DH's problem so if I don't want to deal with them I can just...not.

tryagain20 glad I'm not the only one!

Why not lie and say your in laws are coming instead

Just say they can come in a couple of months as you can't deal with guests.

The only visitors we had in the first couple of weeks came for an hour or so; had a cuppa, cuddled the baby and gave gifts. Nobody stayed long (including baby's grandparents) and that was enough - there were days I desperately wanted to sleep and couldn't because people were due over any minute.

In your position I'd tell your parents that if they want to stay for a week then it'll have to be after your partner has finished any paternity leave our holiday he's planning to take. You'll be grateful of the help at that stage, even if all they'll do is hold baby while you shower or put the washing on. If they want to come before that then it has to be for a duration of your choosing - one afternoon, or an overnight stay if you're feeling generous.

all I can imagine wanting to do is stay in bed/on the sofa with the baby and DH

Sounds about right. Although you can leave the house obviously if you fancy a change of scenery! All our family live hours away - and our house was tiny and didn’t have a spare room so there was no where to stop. They all travelled up to visit for a day and then went home, I think my PIL stayed in a hotel for one night - definitely no stopping for days or weeks ‘helping out’ - I get on really well with my family but that still sounds like hell to me. Like you say, cuddles on the sofa/in bed sums up most of my first two or three weeks with my DS, lots of skin to skin and box sets - despite the lack of sleep it was lovely. And you can only probably do this properly with your first - not so easy when you have a second so make he most of it. I would tell your parents no.

Pinkblueberry yes, that sounds so nice!

You're all right, I'm going to tell them no visits until DH is back at work.

I live abroad and very far away from family & friends so after birth the only ones who wanted to come for an immediate visit were my inlaws.

I stayed in the hospital for a week after birth and asked DH to not let them visit until me and DS were home. I was feeling poorly and in a lot of pain and didn’t want to see them to see me in such state, I needed my privacy.

They did absolutely nothing to help me during pregnancy even though I was in a strange country with only DH who was away for work 14 hours a day. That made me feel completely entitled to say: sorry, I am not going to make myself uncomfortable by having you around as you weren’t there for me at all. DH fully supported me in that as he felt the same disappointment about them.

Word of advice, have them come and help when baby is 2-3 weeks old and starts to wake up more, cry more, want to be held more etc. And you would be surprised at how much won't be able to get done around the house with a newborn. Especially if you have one that cries and won't be put down the first several months! I could not shower until my dh came home because she would cry so much (even if I had the bouncer in the bathroom). Heck, I could not use the toilet with out having her with me in the baby carrier!

StarlightIntheNight oh no, that sounds awful! I'm hoping she'll be an easy baby (don't we all) but yeah it's just another unknown isn't it.

We didn't want visitors for the first week or two, but then I ended up becoming very unwell and having an EMCS before I'd even started my maternity leave. My parents came while we were still in hospital (in for 8 days total) and stayed in our house filling our freezer with meals/cake (you'll need that!), cleaning, changing sheets ready for us etc - basically everything I was planning to do when I started mat leave. They also brought us meals to the hospital as the food on offer was pretty dire. Then when we came home from hospital my PIL came for a few days but stayed in a nearby hotel and just came in the day to make meals for us, fetch things from the shops etc.

If I'd had a more routine birth I don't think I'd have wanted all that, but because I was not very mobile (lived upstairs for the first few days home) it was a real help as my DH had to do pretty much everything for me so it would have been hard on him without. We still got some space to bond as a threesome because PIL were in the hotel.

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is you might not know what you want until it happens, but any visitors certainly need to help by making food, doing jobs/errands etc - don't let them 'help' by holding the baby while you run around after them! I'd definitely suggest any visitors stay nearby rather than in the house - I would have found that too much.