Is 43 too old to have a second child?

[sharew]

I'm having a difficult internal debate over this

I'm pretty sure it is but part of me thinks give it one last shot

I've had a couple of losses already and maybe should call it a day..

It's not impossible but may not be possible without help. Also can you imagine having a teenager in your 60's?

When I was pregnant at 39 the risk of having a baby with Downs was calculated to be 1:210; compared with 1:2,000 at 37. I lost my first pregnancy to Patau's (similar to Downs but not survivable beyond a year) and had another miscarriage in between my two successful pregnancies. You need to be realistic about these risks and be clear in your head - would be be happy to keep a disabled foetus or to abort? Sorry to be brutal. But my own mother asked me why I was having neuchal fold tests - was i ready for those choices? Of course that's not the outcome for everyone - the odds say that. But it is a risk - so have your eyes wide open.

My best friend and I had our first two children at the same ages, but then a bit later she had her third. At 43. Our older two are either at university or about to go next year. She then has another 6 years till her third will be 18. My friends will be 61 by then. Recently she was expressing envy that I'm nearly done with school days as are most of our friends. Though there is some sadness to send your DC off to college and increasing independence it also signals more freedom for you as a parent.

Are you prepared for that?

My dc1 won't be going to university or leaving home until I'm 54 anyway so 61 doesn't feel like that much longer

But I am worried about energy levels when I get older

It would be too old for me. But i lost my dad when he was 55, and my mum has stage 4 cancer now at 54, so my views are coloured.

My mum had a very strong urge for her third baby in her early 40s (she had us in her 20s) - she says she is now very grateful she didn't do it. Anything can happen at any age i know but this is just my experience.

Not too old at all. I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant with my first baby at 40. It took me until 38 years old to meet the right person. The ageist attitude that seems to prevail against people having babies in their 40s upsets me. Years ago it happened all the time. Anyone planning a pregnancy faces risks.

Miscarriages and infertility happen at any age. Although a slightly raised risk as we get older fertility is personal and many ladies have absolutely no problems getting pregnant and carrying to term.

You cannot predict the future. Chances are you will both be well and live into old age. Like anyone you make a will and plan for the worst case scenarios. A young parent can die just as easily as an older parent.

If you feel well enough go for it and don't listen to naysayers. Many women of all ages have a couple of losses before one sticks, me included. Chances are next time will be the one! Good luck! Xx

I think that age gap's fine op!
I had kids early-late 30's
Some of my friends had more than me and had the 3rd or 4th in their early 40's. It's fine if you're up for it!

@LightDrizzle I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friends. It does shake your entire view of things when close friends die.
However, it's still very unusual for people to die in their 40's & 50's!

The age gap is fine I had ds1 at 30 Ds2 at 35 for me I didn't want one later than 35

I'm 38 now and couldn't consider another but that's me

Listen OP I am 38 now and pregnant. Struggling. But same struggle than when I was 34 to be honest.
And I know my struggles are that I am not that fit and I could have a much better diet.
When I was 30 I was actually fitter than when I was 23.
We tend to people people in boxes according to their age and weight, when there is so much more.
How well do you feel mentally and physically? How would you adapt to having another? Pros and cons and all that and what does your gut tell you.
We can’t compare people like that, I bet many women my age are a lot fitter than me and many not so much, and that is impacting my pregnancy in terms of exhaustion and moods

I'm 43 and pregnant with my first. It comes after 7 years of trying and 5 rounds of IVF. We used donor eggs for this last go and thankfully it worked (although I'm still cautious after previous losses). I wish I could have been younger as I feel so old in the ante natal waiting room but I feel so lucky that I'm in this position. I always love hearing about older mums!

I think that nature knows when you are too old....that's when it stops working. If you can get pregnant and have a successful pregnancy then you are not too old. You still have a reasonable chance at 43 but I think that by 45 the odds of conception are quite unlikely....

I'm 42. I've got a 5 year old. Just stopped my pill so we can try for another.

In an ideal world I would have had 2 children close together in my early 30s. I've been with dp since our 20s. But we didn't try for a baby until I was 37 as until then we weren't in a financially stable position.

For me it would feel too old. 53 by the time they were 10.. I feel like I'm too old now and I've got two at the age of 33 who are 5 & 4. In the area where I grew up 28 is pretty late to be having kids . I couldn't imagine having anymore now. I wouldn't want to go back to sleepless nights and bottles and dirty nappies.
However I think it depends on you and how old you feel. If you think you could cope then go for it. It's definitely a more personal preference and in my case it would be a no.

It’s too old IMO

*@CornishCreation For those of you saying way too old, how old is too old?

I think around 37, and even that is massively pushing it!*

Tell that to my antenatal team! I conceived at 37 (literally the first night) am now about to give birth at 38. I'm considered low risk, the NHS doesn't even class you as an "older mother" till 40 now, apparently I'm one of their younger ones, I'm fit, healthy, have amazing life experience, a good career, am solvent and own my own home. Oh - and obviously I won't be now ☺️ - but I am still capable of partying like a 20 year old when I want to. So what about me is "massively pushing it", pray tell?

Practically everyone I know having kids is 35 +. And yes, like a PP, I would personally consider having a child in the early 20s as way too young and with lots of disadvantages parenting wise.

Basically, your age is not a problem at any time if it's not for you and your personal circumstances. And if some (judgmental) others think it is, that says more about them than anything else.

By today's standards 43 isn't old! My mum
Was 41 when she had me and I'm 34. She said it kept her young! My friend had about 7 miscarriages. She took progesterone tablets (for the 1st 12 weeks) and a baby aspirin everyday (until 36 wks) and she's had two now. Turns out she had low progesterone.

I think as it's a sibling for dc1 and you want a DC, I'd go for it.

I know it doesn't make sense, but if you were going for dc3 at this age I'd say too old.

I had dc2 at 38 and that felt old. When she's 22 I'll be 60.

@leomama81 biologically speaking early 20s is not too young, socially is another matter but not really the point here. An older age isn't suddenly ok because you think another age is bad. There's a reason the average age is 30. If you strip it back to scientific fact, over 40 is far from ideal and comes with a lot more risk than in your 20s. The quality of the eggs statistically are poorer so however you look at it you are taking a gamble and it never ceases to amaze me how blase people will be about that "go for it!" "My cousin's friend's auntie Joan had quads at 60 and they're all barristers now!" Your head has to come into the decision at some point and it's incredibly naive to think because you've made, in your opinion, a sensible decision to wait that there aren't risks with that. I'm not talking about the social aspect of being an older mum, that's a much more personal decision.

I think it's personal choice. I am 40 and 6 months pregnant with my third after a very long break (new partner) and I am conscious of my age. We've said we'll just have one but I've recently started thinking 🤔 maybe I'd like another after this. However, I do think I will feel "too old" but like I say, it's a personal choice. Just because I feel it doesn't mean that it is!

Too old for me personally, but it's different for everyone!

I had my second at the start of the year I turned 35... and I'm done now. But then I may have felt differently if my circumstances had been different and I had not been fortunate enough to be able to have two children during the first half of my thirties. I also may have felt differently about a third, if my babies slept and were easy!

I wish you well, whatever you decide OP - only you can make a decision that is right for you and your personal circumstances!

I feel fit enough but I am really worried about risks to baby which come with age

@sharew I can understand that but it seems to go from extremely unlikely to reasonably unlikely over 40. I think passed the 45 mark it gets more likely. At 40 my risk factor for Downs for example came back 1 in 28,000 through my scan and bloods. General statistics can be misleading. According to them I have a 1 in 100 chance. That's still 99 ladies of 40 who won't have a baby with Downs so still unlikely but more likely than a younger woman.

Obviously there is the chance something could be wrong but that's the case for anyone of any age. I know many women who have had babies in their 40s with no problems. One of them was 44 and she fell pregnant straight away and had an easy pregnancy and birth. Thank goodness for the people on this thread saying it's an individual choice. We all age at different rates and some are fertile for much longer. Xx

@Catconfusion you seem to completely misunderstand statistics and risk.

Smoking 20 cigarettes a day doesn't mean you will get lung cancer, but not smoking strongly improves your chances of not getting it. Just because you had a healthy baby it doesn't mean you should tell other people the risks aren't there, they are, you just weren't the 1 in X, I'm glad, but someone will be and that person needs to make an informed choice, not just go on a whim because it was ok for you and your friend.

My mum is mid 60s (had me in her 30s) and has major age-related health issues. Personally I think you'd be absolutely bonkers to do this. I can't think of anything worse than dealing with a baby in my mid 40s, or having no kind of truly independent life in my 50s and 60s. But as others have already said, do what feels right for you and your family.

I had my youngest at 43. I have been doing my family tree and in older generations most of my ancestors had their last baby at about 45.