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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

He tells his mother everything

32 replies

PrincessMarm · 17/10/2019 09:57

Hi, just wondering if I am being unreasonable here.

I did a clearblue test and found out I was 2-3 weeks pregnant, I asked my OH to keep it a secret until we at least had the booking appointment. He did not. He told his family straight away (they are a large Italian family). We discussed names and I asked him to keep them to himself, he told his parents and subsequently his whole family knew; and his cousin (who is also trying) now wants the same boy name. We have the anomaly scan on Monday and even though I have previously asked him, he said he won't keep it a secret between the two of us (just for a while), and said everything was about me and I was selfish for suggesting such a thing. The thing is he has been texting his mother counting down the days until the scan, getting all excited etc. But hasn't with me; when I asked him why, he said it was because i wasn't excited! Well, because I feel like I am a surrogate for a baby for his family and I'm being left out of the loop. He said 'good for you' when I said I'm carrying the baby, so surely I get some say. Isn't it supposed to be a magical time? I just feel stressed and that I am looking in on him getting excited and the fact I am carrying the baby and will give birth means nothing. Am I begin selfish by wanting to keep something just between us, even if just for a bit?

OP posts:

SmallShortSally · 17/10/2019 10:02

That would drive me mad. Poor you. To be honest, is be tempted to take the line that they are your medical appointments, your scans, your results etc., and as such I might start excluding him from attending or knowing about what was discussed etc. Even though that would be a shame, if he can't keep your medical (and other) info to himself, he wouldn't get to know it.

He should have a bit more respect for you than this, even if he is really excited.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/10/2019 10:04

He’s excited and his family’s excited. There’s nothing wrong with him wanting to tell them even if you don’t want to tell your family. It’s not just your baby. If you want to parent together you need to understand that.

Nishky · 17/10/2019 10:07

Agree with pp it is not just your baby and he is telling his family not random people.

CroissantsAtDawn · 17/10/2019 10:09

He might be excited but he's not being excited with OP is he?

I would feel pushed out too OP and annoyed!

My MIL was a midwife. When i was pregnant she'd ring me after every appointment and monthly blood test. With DC1 I told her stuff even though I was uncomfortable because she really wanted to be involved.

With DC2, after the first phone call asking about my cervix I told DH that I didnt want to discuss my medical appointments with her. He had a word and she never asked me personal stuff again.

NewNameGuy · 17/10/2019 10:16

He's being selfish, sounds like you've given an inch and he's taken a mile.

I'd be annoyed with his lack of care about your feelings; and doing things he expressly told you he wouldn't.

letsjog · 17/10/2019 10:21

I disagree with @GrumpyHoonMain

They are supposed to be a team and agree on decisions together. He's completely ignoring OPs wishes and just ploughs ahead and does what he wants anyway and this doesn't bode well for the future.
What's next? Updating everyone on the step by step progress of the labour? The in laws camping in the hospital corridor and coming in to meet baby as soon as its here or when OP isn't ready?
Overriding or letting his family override OPs parenting decisions?

He's having a baby with the OP not his family. I understand he is excited and I know certain families and certain cultures deal with these things differently but you can't just wave your hand and say it's fine for him to trample on OPs feelings as a result.

You need to have a frank and open discussion about this. Also about future arrangements, birth/post birth expectations so you are clear where you stand and what you are happy and unhappy with.
Do it now op before it's too late and you end up disappointed or underwhelmed with what happens.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/10/2019 10:27

I disagree @letsjog - why is it just OP’s way or the highway? They are having a baby together, parenting together, and as such OP needs to consider his feelings too. I had fertility issues and didn’t want to tell my family or friends that I was even pregnant (some extended family still don’t know) but DH wanted to tell his because he found them a great support. As it’s his baby too we both compromised and so I didn’t tell mine and we didn’t make any social media announcements but DH told his family. It’s not right that OP is demonizing her Op and the OP’s family like this

Orchidflower1 · 17/10/2019 10:31

Oh op I know they are excited but it’s your body. Put your foot down now or it will be awful once baby arrives.

NewYorkYankee · 17/10/2019 10:35

Sorry but this would piss me right off! He is being totally inconsiderate and disrespectful. No-one is "entitled" to know anything unless the mother and father BOTH choose. How awful for you OP. I'm sorry but this doesn't bode well at all for raising a child. I think you need to nip this in the bud now. You are definitely not "demonising" his family- how ridiculous! I reckon there might be an Italian MIL with a chip on their shoulder on this thread...

Can you sit down with him calmly and talk through how it makes you feel and your reasons for feeling uncomfortable, without blaming him? Would he listen? Is he normally kind and considerate but the fatherhood thing has just made him lose the plot? If so then there is hope.

Original poster

PrincessMarm · 17/10/2019 10:44

I am not trying to demonise him or his family [he has a large Italian family.. six aunties and two uncles all with two or three children, so lots of them].. But as I said, we haven't got excited together, as he is constantly on skype and hardly speaks to me. I feel pushed out and the baby hasn't been born yet. He has already said that his parents will be here for the birth, staying in our one bedroom flat. It's not that I don't want to tell only his family, I just want something to be special between us, even if it's only for a week,

OP posts:

DameFanny · 17/10/2019 10:48

Exactly where will they be staying in your 1 bed flat? How does he propose giving you space and quiet to establish breast feeding? Who will be cooking and cleaning? Ask him for specifics.

OkayGo · 17/10/2019 11:03

I would be so pissed off at him counting down the days with his mother and not with you. That's really weird!!

pinkyredrose · 17/10/2019 11:08

YANBU. Tell him you need him on your side, you're a team.

Why do you keep mentioning that his family is Italian, what's that got to do with it? Italian men are capable of listening you know.

Aderyn19 · 17/10/2019 11:12

It'might be his baby too but it's not his pregnancy and therefore he has no right to share your information without your consent. He's basically telling you that how his extended family feel is more important than how you feel.
He's going to walk all over you when the baby is born - you will have his parents staying with you, telling you how to parent and trying to take over.
I'm of the 'leave the bastard' point of view because he has no respect and this isn't going to change unless you force it. As a starter I'd stop telling him about my appointments until after the fact. Let him make the connection between opening his big mouth and missing out on seeing scans.

Withington · 17/10/2019 11:21

Any chance you could go back to your own family after the birth? Or a very close friends? If they're in your one bedroom flat immediately on coming home that sounds like a nightmare.

Shessobrave · 17/10/2019 11:26

@CroissantsAtDawn Why on Earth not?! She could've been a huge comfort & help during pregnancy. Poor woman

Shessobrave · 17/10/2019 11:28

LTB. Go to your Mum if possible and tell him you'll let him know when baby is born and when he can visit him/her

ThreeLittleDots · 17/10/2019 11:31

It’s not just your baby

Disagreeing strongly with this. At this point it's 100% OP's body, fetus and medical records. Nobody else has a right to this info, not even the father.

CroissantsAtDawn · 17/10/2019 11:34

Shessobrave

Why didn't I want to tell MIL about my cervix every month?! Cos its my body?

She was a midwife. She retired 15 years before I got pregnant. She wanted to know personal medical details but when we asked for her advice on something worrying us she just shrugged and said she had no idea. Ask a Dr.

She was never a hands on Grandma either.

She was neither a support nor a comfort. She laughed at my weight gain. And the fact that she had no problems and sailednthrough pregnancy, which I didn't.

ThreeLittleDots · 17/10/2019 11:37

He is trampling all over your boundaries, disrespecting you and using you. I'm not surprised you feel like a surrogate and I'd be getting away from him as fast as I could as he clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart, nor his baby's.

It'll only surely get worse after the birth, when you need quiet family time, boobs out, skin-to-skin bonding and breastfeeding. Poor baby will be paraded around like a little show-pony :(

1ce1cebaby · 17/10/2019 11:40

I think he’s out of order. You’re not saying they can’t be involved when the baby is here. They’ve no need to know the ins and outs of your pregnancy. He needs to take a step back and think about you. You def should have the final say on what happens when the baby comes home and he should def not invite them to stay with you without your consent. He should also be conscious of the stress and upset this is causing you.

awesomeaircraft · 17/10/2019 11:46

YANBU. The intent is lovely but it is also an intrusion of privacy.

Also news should be given with your agreement as it always comes back to you the mother. Is she drinking enough milk? Is she eating supplements? etc. It is belittling having adults discussing you without you being part of it.

My second child had a major birth trauma and was in the post natal unit. My whole DH family and friends were trying to elaborate and asking questions via my DH as to what was going on and to be honest, I found it upsetting. We kept a lid on it as much as possible until the baby was out as frankly they were very unhelpful with any details we gave them.

CornishCreation · 17/10/2019 12:28

Just set boundaries op, as this could get worse after the baby arrives.
It's lovely his family are exited and involved but don't allow them to take over.

balonzz · 17/10/2019 12:51

Some cultures have different ideas about how much family should be involved in things. I speak from experience as I used to be married to someone of a similar culture.
If you don't stop this now, it will only get worse. They will take over your child and expect to have a major say in the child's life and upbringing.
Think carefully about what you want, and spell this out to your DH. He is being unreasonable.

Kinsters · 17/10/2019 13:30

Your husband (and his family) should be respecting you and your feelings/wishes. My husband's family are Chinese so they have their own customs and ways of doing things re pregnancy and post birth but this has never been pushed on me as they all realise that 1. I'm not Chinese and 2. I'm not just a vessel for the baby.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about this. It's upsetting you and I can see why - his behaviour is disrespectful (even if it comes from a place of excitement). There is a stereotype of Italian MILs which sounds spot on here...

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