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Original poster

What is a fathers rights?

49 replies

amb38 · 11/10/2019 10:32

My ex who I don't get in with is demanding when my daughter arrives he has her 3 days and I will have her 4! Surely that can't be right! I have already said when she arrives he can come and visit her at my home anytime he likes or we could meet in public the same with his family! He's threading me with court and things and I just don't think I'd be ready to give my baby away for 3 days!

Someone please give me advice to what he is entitled to 😭

OP posts:
eternallybaffled · 11/10/2019 10:42

I couldn't see a court granting that amount of access to the father especially at the newborn stage. Babies need their mommas. Give a family law solicitor a ring and just ask for some advice

Boymummy3 · 11/10/2019 10:53

I thought technically until they was on birth certificate they didn't really have rights... I could be totally wrong obviously.

I always believe mother and father should have equal rights but I also think father should actually use his brain why would he want to take his daughter away from her mother for 3 full days/nights it just doesn't make sence. Fair enough once the baby is older then you can compromise between you both on what days she stays where but when newborn it doesn't make sense. Is there any talking to him? Like if he took her for a full day but brought her back for bath/bed time that would be even better than her being away for that long so early on also are you planning on Breast feeding? If so it makes even more sence for her not to be away from you for a long amount of time x

Original poster
amb38 · 11/10/2019 10:56

I'm going to try my hardest to breast feed her! So she can't be away from me for a long time I just think he's being totally selfish! He lives with his mum and after the harassment I've had off her I don't trust her to be alone with my daughter because I really don't know what she's capable of!

OP posts:
AmIThough · 11/10/2019 11:01

If you don't put him on the birth certificate he won't have parental responsibility - that at least buys you a bit of time.

He cannot insist on having a baby for 3 days a week. Does he work?

Speak to your midwife, especially if you don't trust the people he lives with. She'll be able to help. Her priority is mom and baby.

slipperywhensparticus · 11/10/2019 11:01

He has no rights unless he is on the birth certificate he cannot go on the birth certificate without you or a court order I would disengage now personally send him a message stating you are going to be breastfeeding and he will not be taking the newborn away for three days, he can try and take you to court but they will send it to mediation first and courts are not happy about taking a baby away from breastfeeding mums at least for the first twelve months

Nov19 · 11/10/2019 11:07

my ex left me when I was pregnant with my son, didn’t want anything to do with him but was forced by his family to have some sort of relationship but he refused to be on his birth certificated. Since finding out I was pregnant he took me to court for joint custody. He didn’t get it, instead he got every other weekend and half a day Tuesday (my son is nearly 4 so not in school yet). I have a residency order which states that my son lives with me, so he has to be brought back on time with whatever time is set.
I don’t know what will happen in your situation, you would probably have to try mediation first perhaps? My ex said I refused mediation which I didn’t so we went straight to court and thankfully he got way less than he wanted. Once he’s in school it’ll be one night every 2 weeks basically (Saturday - Sunday).

Each situation is different but definitely speak to a family law solicitor as soon as possible.

HeavenlyEyes · 11/10/2019 11:09

the child has rights - the father does not. See a solicitor.

nikdan123 · 11/10/2019 11:28

I think a father should have just as much rights as the mother unless there is a valid reason, abusive etc. My partner has a child who he no longer see's because it was always on the mothers terms which is totally wrong. He wasn't allowed to take her from school for 2 days to go on holiday in October half term yet she took her out for 10 days in June. I am pregnant now and would never stop my partner having his child if we ever split.

At the same time, he should be understanding and know that a child needs to be with its mother, at least for the first few months. Are you not civil enough where he could maybe stop over at yours a couple of nights a week in a spare room so he feels like he is experiencing the night time feeds etc? Its tough but its all about listening to each others points of view and trying to co-parent and he needs to accept it has nothing to do with his mother.

nikdan123 · 11/10/2019 11:32

But as said by previous posters, he has no rights if he is not on the birth certificate so you can easily stall it and stop him seeing her. Mothers call the shots really which a lot of the time is unfair.

AmIThough · 11/10/2019 11:36

@nikdan123 you need to consider the fact that your DP gave up access to his child because of an awkward ex... this is why men don't have the same rights. He's chosen to walk away rather than go to court and fight for his child.
The mother might be a pain but I'm sure she had her reasons (not necessarily saying what she did is justified) but he proved her right, didn't he?

SurvivingCBeebies · 11/10/2019 11:53

I can't find the UK version, but an explanation of of what is best for the baby is below which basically confirms the reasons and need for a primary attachment (which is normally mum: definitely if breastfeeding).

  1. If parental separation occurs before birth or in the first years of a child’s life, special consideration is needed to ensure the continuity of a healthy primary attachment with the main care caregiver and minimising stress on the infant, together, where possible, with the safe building or maintenance of a warm, available relationship with the other parent. This can be done without overnight care.
  1. Under the age of two years, overnight separations from the primary caregiver create unique stresses for the infant. In the majority of circumstances, non-essential overnight separations during these critical months of development are not advisable. Thus, in general, but always guided by the unique needs of each infant, prior to the age of two years, overnight time away from the primary caregiver is not recommended, unless unavoidable. Day times away from the primary caregiver should be kept to manageable periods of time, which can gradually increase as the infant matures and shows that he or she feels comfortable with this separation. Decisions need to take into account the ability of caregivers to recognise and respond to an infant or young child’s discomfort or stress.
  1. After the age of two years, important developmental indices will help to predict the extent to which a young child can manage regular overnight time away from the primary carer. Most children would not be expected to have the developmental capacity to do all of these things adequately until at least three years. AAIMHI considers these interdependent indices (below) to be centrally important.

Your ex demanding 3 over nights from day dot is selfish and unless you are an unfit parent, no court would support this amount of visitation.

nikdan123 · 11/10/2019 12:05

@AmIThough oh yes I am not disputing the fact that more could be doing on his part to get access. But there's a lot of factors with going to court i.e money etc and I don't think any Father should have to go down this route when all they want is to see their child. I think they have both been as bad as each other sometimes and if I think he is in the wrong I tell him that.

I am just pointing out that its always on the mother's terms which is wrong in my opinion. Not in the earlier days though.

nikdan123 · 11/10/2019 12:18

@amithough I also didn't mean that he walked away. He and the Mother had an argument over the holiday situation so she stopped him seeing her (which is using the child as a weapon). He text every other week for about 6 months asking if he could pick up his daughter to which he got ignored so in the end he gave up. Like I said everyone's circumstances are different, but I just think unless there is a valid reason then a father should have just as much right.

This is slightly off topic anyway as I do agree with OP in the early age lol.

Adogwithabone · 11/10/2019 12:43

@nikdan123 He text every other week for about 6 months asking if he could pick up his daughter to which he got ignored so in the end he gave up.

So all he's done is send 12 text messages. That is the extent of effort he has put in to seeing his child? Wow. Dad of the year. Hmm

AmIThough hit the nail on the head when she said You need to consider the fact that your DP gave up access to his child because of an awkward ex...He's chosen to walk away rather than go to court and fight for his child.

nikdan123 · 11/10/2019 12:53

@Adogwithabone I didn't once try and make out he was dad of the year or that he couldn't have done more, that wasn't the point! And that isn't all he had done he has been to see a solicitor but it costs a lot of money all because a mother has control. What else could he possibly do when a mother doesn't co-operate other than go to court?

qazxc · 11/10/2019 13:20

It isn't about his "rights", it's about his child's needs.
It is not in babies best interest to be away from it's mother 3 days a week and it is utterly unfeasible if you are breastfeeding.

beatriceprior · 11/10/2019 13:21

It costs £215 to go to family court and self represent.

YobaOljazUwaque · 11/10/2019 14:16

He has probably got wind of the fact that if there is a 50:50 split of childcare there is no maintenance due, and the child benefit goes to whichever parent has the child for most nights. This is purely about money.

Focus on the best interests of the baby. It is not in the baby's best interests to have an unsettled environment when she is so tiny. It is in her best interests to be breastfed.

It's not about rights, it's about responsibilities and both of you need to prioritise your daughter's wellbeing.

Insist that all communication is in writing. Keep meticulous records so that you have proof if this ever gets to court. Make sure you are always reasonable, always be clear that when you say no to something it is about DD's best interests not your own preferences.

slipperywhensparticus · 12/10/2019 22:18

Finances are always said to be the biggest reason why people dont go to court over child access arrangements its 215 🤷‍♀️

My ex claimed it was too expensive before the law changed when it would have been free for him

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 13/10/2019 06:53

You made a baby together she's just as much his as she is yours.
If you weren't prepared to share then you should have thought about that before getting pregnant

As usual MN demonising the man - he has every right to go on the birth certificate - it's a LEGAL document and not for women to use to keep sole control over their children and him wanting 3 days may have NOTHING to do with maintenance and everything to do with him wanting to parent his child

slipperywhensparticus · 13/10/2019 09:03

There are a lot of psychological reports that support the children having a primary carer that 50 50 in young children is not healthy for them emotionally

Family courts support this and dont order overnight until three years old usually

If a child is breastfeeding taking them away from there source of nutrition is not good for mum or baby

And any man or woman who gets/gets someone pregnant and starts making demands before the baby is even born is a twat

Prenatal stress on the unborn child is a real problem and should be recognised as such

quincejamplease · 13/10/2019 09:07

if you weren't prepared to share then you should have thought about that before getting pregnant

We are talking about a human not a possession. Fuckwit.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 13/10/2019 09:27

@quincejamplease
Don't be so rude and aggressive

The OP treating is her daughter like a possession....in her post she talks about "MY" daughter "MY" baby - it's theirs - the father isn't a sperm donor and is exercising his legal and moral rights to see THEIR daughter

happycamper11 · 13/10/2019 09:30

This won't be granted as a newborn but will be built up to over time providing no welfare concerns. (These have to be huge)

Lessthanzero · 13/10/2019 09:34

This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but...... I actually think a father has to earn his "rights" especially if not a dh. A man doesn't get rights over a baby just because he impregnated a woman. If he shows himself to be loving, capable and trustworthy, then he can have rights over the child.

Your ex and his family have not shown themselves to be any of those things by the sounds of it. It's your baby, you have no obligation to hand them over to people you don't trust. A mothers job is to protect her baby, if you don't feel right handing baby over, don't.

Let him have some contact with you there, and if he proves himself he can have longer contact as the child gets older.

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