Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

What is a fathers rights?

49 replies

amb38 · 11/10/2019 10:32

My ex who I don't get in with is demanding when my daughter arrives he has her 3 days and I will have her 4! Surely that can't be right! I have already said when she arrives he can come and visit her at my home anytime he likes or we could meet in public the same with his family! He's threading me with court and things and I just don't think I'd be ready to give my baby away for 3 days!

Someone please give me advice to what he is entitled to 😭

OP posts:

happycamper11 · 13/10/2019 09:38

What else could he possibly do when a mother doesn't co-operate other than go to court?

He could do what most men in the same position do and pay the £200 odd and self represent. Solicitors are only really needed in complex cases. If there aren't any concerns as to the ability of his parenting he wound get some sort of contact automatically as is the rights of his children- to have a relationship with their dad. Please do not fall for the awful ex story.

MilkLady02 · 13/10/2019 09:49

I agree with quincejamplease that the father seems to be treating the baby as a possession rather that a tiny human with very specific requirements! It’s not just about saying ‘you’ve had your turn, now it’s my turn’ as if the child is a toy. I completely appreciate that children have two parents who should both be contributing emotionally, practically and financially, but if a relationship has broken down, sometimes that just doesn’t happen easily. Surely anyone who has had a baby would not be happy for it to go out of the house for 3 days and nights with someone they didn’t fully trust (by the sound of it from OPs post). It would be really difficult if breastfeeding too, having to express when baby is not with mum, baby having to get used to bottles as well as breast from newborn. It sounds like Dad maybe hasn’t thought all these things through...?

strawberry2017 · 13/10/2019 09:50

Register the baby alone, don't put him on the birth certificate and whatever you do don't let him bully you to been in the delivery suite. Take someone who loves and supports you not a dickhead. X

slipperywhensparticus · 13/10/2019 10:30

While she is pregnant it is her baby you cant get 50/50 or a time share in a fucking womb

Although I would have dearly loved my sons dad to carry the baby its simply not possible

happycamper11 · 13/10/2019 12:36

The not putting father on the bc advice doesn't sit well with me. They know who the father is and the child has a right to that too and to have a father named. There's no need to 'buy some time' as he won't be able to physically snatch a newborn baby (and I'm sure he wouldn't do so anyway). Father will need to go to court if he wants such access (bc would probably be dealt with at the same time after the same wait( and no judge is going to hand him 3 days/nights outright anyway so no real need to buy time.

Soontobe60 · 13/10/2019 12:50

@Lessthanzero
The number of mothers I have come across in my work who clearly are unable to be a decent parent is scary. Gettin pregnant and giving birth does not equal being a fab parent! I also have been involved with 8 families where the mother has had the children removed from her care and sole PR been given to the father.

Soontobe60 · 13/10/2019 12:50

Getting **

Anothernotherone · 13/10/2019 12:51

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted they "made a baby" as you put it - a human newborn baby, not a pizza which they're entitled to half of each!

Your post reveals that you think a baby is a possession and completely ignore the child's right to be breastfed, to a 4th trimester, to form the healthy, close bond with his or her primary carer which is the foundation of life long resilience. The child's best interests are all that matters, not the father's rights.

Pregnancy isn't 50/50 work though (especially here where the sperm donor isn't physically or emotionally around to support the pregnancy) so even if we conveniently put aside the child's humanity as you have done, the father has contributed genetic material by having sex, whilst the mother's body has gone through all the debilitating changes of pregnancy, she's given up caffeine and alcohol and a range of foods to avoid harming the foetus, her career prospects and income will be impacted by maternity leave, she has a 25% change of ending up undergoing serious abdominal surgery leaving her with a substantial physical recovery period and infection risk if labour doesn't go to plan, she's risking her long term physical health and in some eventualities life to gestate and birth this child.

So the work done on "making a baby" has been far from equal, and if the contact time was divided up accordingly the father in this scenario would get about 3 minutes every 9 months...

slipperywhensparticus · 13/10/2019 12:52

I understand that not putting him on the birth certificate doesnt sit well with me but people like this piss me off oh I've provided the sperm the baby isnt even cooked yet but GIVE ME MY BABY OR ELSE its annoying

rosie1998 · 13/10/2019 13:23

I'm in a similar situation towards you .. 2 weeks till I'm due and the baby dad just wants to start getting involved he left me while I was 6 months pregnant .. 4 weeks later I find out he's with another chick . He has shown me that he is ready to step up and be a dad he's been out drinking on the drugs and is now living in a hotel where he works . If that person isn't showing that they are ready to step up and be responsible for child. It takes alot off thinking about these sort off this the thing I found best was make a list off the pros and cons why he should have access . You have parental responsibility but until you can make that Decision for yourself weather how many days he should she's is child I believe a couple off hours a week is more then enough. You still want your child to have that bond with their dad . If needs be let him go to court and let's the courts make that decision but don't let it drive you crazy love .. enjoy your pregnancy ! And I will well for you and your little girl ❤️

rosie1998 · 13/10/2019 13:25

Wish**

Starlight456 · 13/10/2019 13:38

Op.. how long have you got to go?

I would disengage completely . Tell him you will be in touch after the baby is born.

Then when baby is born offer little but often visits . I would at least text or email this message so you have evidence you made an offer.

JenniferM1989 · 13/10/2019 15:05

Anyone advising the OP not to put his name on the BC needs to give themselves a shake. A BC isn't a weapon or for anyone to decide what to do with it, it's a legal document for the child to know who it's biological parents are. It's for the child and for them to have the facts, it's not for anyone else. Denying your child the right to know who their father is by lying at the registry office because you don't want to share custody or want to buy time to decide what YOU want is totally wrong.

That aside, OP I do think to have a newborn baby away from it's mother for 3 days/half the week when it's not necessary is really cruel. Both to the mother and the baby. I can't see a court awarding him 3 days a week access from newborn stage. It's far more likely that it will start minimal (or a lot if you're happy to be there whilst he has contact) then build up to 3 days as your baby gets older.

It's quite cruel of him to have you worrying about this when you're pregnant. If he had worded it to say 'Hi (your name), I was thinking when the baby comes that I would really like to spend at least 3 days a week with her and will do what I can to make this happen. I could come to your house if that would be ok with you, I can take her out myself for short periods of time alone as well but I understand a newborn baby really needs it's mother so I am aware we will have to slowly build up to a more formal custody split'. You could work with that, you can't work with demands.

I would set out what you'd be comfortable with and you know what he is comfortable with and meet somewhere in the middle (only if it's in the best interests of your DD of course)

Starlight456 · 13/10/2019 15:20

It isn’t the name on the birth certificate it is the pr that comes with it and many abusive men use it as a weapon to control the mums.
My ex had automatic pr as we were married . As he became a danger to my son I was advised by a solicitor not to get a residencency order as it could rock the boat but equally school could not refuse to hand him over. So we had a system in place ex turned up they would hold my Ds till I got there. It really isn’t as simplistic as a legal record.
We as readers have no idea if this man is abusive or simply deluded.

But if he isn’t there he can’t be named

Lessthanzero · 13/10/2019 15:28

The number of mothers I have come across in my work who clearly are unable to be a decent parent is scary. Gettin pregnant and giving birth does not equal being a fab parent! I also have been involved with 8 families where the mother has had the children removed from her care and sole PR been given to the father.

Just because some mothers are shit, it doesn't mean normal caring mothers should just hand their babies in over to a man they may barely know just because they had sex with him.

McHelenz · 13/10/2019 16:44

Can I just say this is the fourth or fifth thread started of this kind by this poster who posts then leaves.

I'm reporting again but I really suspect these are not genuine.

However I agree, a birth certificate is not a weapon, we are not getting both sides to the story. The initial threads the partner was not this bad, just the mother in law.

Original poster

amb38 · 13/10/2019 17:48

I can assure you that this post is genuine, surely I do not have to reply to the 41 comments on this thread! In fact truth have it I'm not 100% sure how to work this app and the ins and outs of it so I've not been getting notifications or anything.

Thank you for everyone's well wishes and advice I will take it into consideration and go from here. For all those that get their back up at posts like this could I just remind you that you don't know the full story of everything that I've been through with my ex and I am not going to explain it either, I am 20 years old and 23 weeks pregnant trying to deal with an immense amount of stress because of the drama with my ex and his mum on my own basically, I've never been though this before and wouldn't want to go through it again. There's no real need to be nasty, surely you could understand the stress and emotional trauma this causes to start with!!!

OP posts:

Siablue · 13/10/2019 18:18

It sounds like you are being very reasonable with your ex and have come up with a plan that will allow him to have contact that is appropriate for your baby’s needs. He is being very unreasonable with you. Do you feel intimidated by him? Has he been unkind to you in other ways?
It could be that his behaviour is abusive. You haven’t given much information but it is hard to imagine a loving dad to be doing this.

If you feel intimidated by him don’t see him. In that case I would register the birth without him. There is no need to lie. If you turn up to the registry office without him his name can’t be put on. If it turns out he is an amazing dad you can get it added later.

Siablue · 13/10/2019 18:20

Sorry I did not see your latest post. I would block your ex and his mum and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. If he harasses you I would report it to the police.

McHelenz · 13/10/2019 18:23

@amb38 not actually been nasty,just saying we don't know both sides and people are going down the "evil man" route and wanting to keep him off the birth certificate? I think that's pretty disgusting.

Also, I remember a lot of your posts...the start of this is he didn't go to the doctor's for a simple cold or something. Then it's descended into this, of multiple similar posts. So apologies that it comes across like trolling but it does.

leomama81 · 13/10/2019 18:45

Totally with you @Anothernotherone

Not to mention it is actually the mother's body that grows the baby, the calcium for my baby's bones comes from my teeth for crying out loud. It is not a 50/50 enterprise, a mother doesn't "carry" a baby, she grows it in a way I don't think anyone who has never been pregnant quite understands.

Obviously fathers have rights, though not ones that override the child's rights. And any father who was truly thinking about the child would never suggest that a baby is taken from their breastfeeding (or otherwise) mother for 50 percent of the time. That is about him, not the baby.

Febee23 · 23/12/2019 02:41

@Nov19 in ur case did ur child’s father try and fight for the surname?
im in a similar situation left me early stages of pregnancy now wanting every single thing

Nov19 · 23/12/2019 09:14

@Febee23 when my son was born I put his last name in his fathers name despite him not being there to be on the birth certificate, I didn’t think it through at the time and saw it as a way that he couldn’t deny his child since they had the same surname (I was very hormonal and wish someone had talked me out of it).
In court it was allowed that it can be double barrelled, which I was told by my solicitor often happens so that it’s fair on both parents when one wants to change the surname.
Hope all goes well for you it’s a frustrating situation

BonnieSeptember · 23/12/2019 09:19

Has he even looked into the requirements of caring for a new born? Especially if you plan to breastfeed - baby won't be able to be away from you at all in those first few vital weeks. Then unless you wish you express and provide bottle feeds for him to give, he certainly won't be having any extended visits without your present, never mind over night!

Leave him to it, there isn't a court that would force a mother to hand over their newborn especially while bf

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.