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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

My partner wants me to have an abortion but I’m confused

45 replies

Loveeachday · 09/10/2019 10:44

My other half and I (35 and 37) have been together for 18 months. We both have children from previous relationships. He recently moved in with me and my children and we have his child every week or two. We have just got to a very happy stage of our relationship and I feel the happiest I’ve been in a lot of years. We decided from an early point that we didn’t want any more children and that I would go on the pill.
About a week ago, I started experience mood swings (which caused my other half to say he couldn’t cope and that moving in was a mistake because all women change when you move in), I became exhausted and started to get a funny bloated feeling in my tummy. Three days ago, my oldest friend persuaded me to take a pregnancy test and to my utter amazement, it came back positive. I told my other half when he got home that night and he said “you need to get rid of it. Just take a pill, people do it every day, it’s like going to the dentist”. That made me cry and he started saying stuff like “we agreed no more kids so why are you making such a big deal out of it?”. I spent the rest of the night in tears and he kept telling me how much he loves me until I asked him what he would do if I kept the baby and he got angry and said it will be without a dad.
The next day, he phoned me from work and told me how worried he was about me. He phoned a couple of hours later and went mad at me, saying it’s all my fault and that I must have stopped taking the pill to trap him and that if I had the baby, he would leave me. He phoned me again about an hour later and cried, saying he didn’t want to lose me and that he didn’t want me to have to go through this. When he got home last night, he said we are going to get engaged soon and that he loves me more than anything. He kept kissing me and cuddling me but not in his normal way, he avoids touching my tummy when we cuddle, he wouldn’t look at me naked last night or this morning and when I told him I was hot he said “is that because you’re...” and couldn’t say pregnant. He keeps asking me to book an appointment as I’m ‘dragging it out’. When I said I want him to be with me through it all, he said he doesn’t think he could sit through the scan as it’ll mess him up.
I really don’t know what to do, I’ve just got my life back after being a stay at home mum for years but I can’t help thinking about this baby.
My heads spinning. Has anyone got any similar experiences?

OP posts:

Gin4us2 · 09/10/2019 10:48

If you don't want an abortion. Then do not have one. Don't feel pressured to do something your then going to regret for the rest of your life because you were pressured and didn't want to do.

BIWI · 09/10/2019 10:50

Keep the baby and get rid of the 'D'P!

OK, that's very flippant - but he really doesn't sound like much of a partner, never mind a dear one who's considerate of you and what you're thinking, feeling and going through.

Whether or not you keep the baby is entirely up to you.

ISmellBabies · 09/10/2019 10:52

Bloody cheek of him!!! Telling you to have an abortion you potentially don't want is "like the dentist" but he can't even face going with you! Which is it, easy as pie, or too hard to even watch let alone go through?! He's a total prick, and clearly pressuring you to abort using every trick in the book. I'd dump him anyway, he doesn't care about your feelings and is a complete scumbag. But just don't make any decisions at all based on what he wants or based on you staying together. Make your own decision for yourself and assume it'll be without him as a partner.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 09/10/2019 10:52

Sorry but your partner sounds horrible - get rid of him first and then think about the baby and whether you want it or not.

Lemmywinks · 09/10/2019 10:54

Keep it if you want it but don't be one of those women who then chases the poor guy for child support and bleeds him dry he's made his choice so leave him to it he's not interested in having another baby and you need to respect his wishes its as much his choice as it is yours

Suebnm · 09/10/2019 10:55

Your boyfriend is trying to persuade you to do what he says by hanging engagement in the air.

Do what you feel you should with your pregnancy it is only your decision but get rid of the boyfriend. He sounds awful.

LividLaughLove · 09/10/2019 10:58

Your relationship is over no matter what.

Up to you if you want to keep the baby. Please don’t stay with someone do emotionally abusive.

23Sarah · 09/10/2019 10:59

I found out a few weeks back that I was pregnant after taking the pill everyday. We had never set in stone we would never have any more kids (we have 3 between us) but we had both got used to the kids growing up and enjoying it. So I never thought if having another one. Abortion had come into our minds and my boyfriend said he would support me in what ever I decided. The way he was acting and how worried he was with money etc, I really felt he wanted me to have one. After alot if thinking I decided to keep the baby, as I don't honestly think I would cope afterwards. It's easy to say to have one but I think it's after I would suffer and fall apart. I've never felt so much guilt when thinking that was a option as only a week after I had to go to EPAC as I bleed heavily. It was then I discovered in expecting twins!! I don't feel my boyfriend is excited and tends to just ignore the subject at the moment but I think it's his way of dealing with it. He currently lost his job and so much on his mind. I think once we have more scabs, I get bigger and he gets his work life sorted, he will be happy 😀 It's hard as we just start the process of a mortgage, so it was the timing.
I always keeps reassuring me everything will be okay.
The one thing you have to remember is you have to do what it right for you!! I hope things sorts things out for you, it is hard. It's the shock of finding out when you really least expect it aswell x

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2019 11:00

I'm not sure he sounds awful, but he does sound like he's struggling with this.

He has a right to not wish another child. You have a right to want one.

So you need to think straight. Do you wish to have this child alone?

PepePig · 09/10/2019 11:01

Don't have an abortion if you don't want one. Personally I'd break up with him because he's shown you his true colours. He's selfish, unsupportive and nasty.

gkeal3 · 09/10/2019 11:03

It sounds like you have emotionally connected with your baby already and an abortion will be regretted. (In my opinion)
If he loves you, really loves you, he'll stay no matter what you decide.
I honestly think if you did as he asked and terminated this pregnancy you may grow to resent him. Have your baby, it's your decision 😘

Lemmywinks · 09/10/2019 11:16

If you decide to go ahead you need to accept the high risk it will be as a single parent. He will need to take responsibility financially and of course morally it's up to him how involved he is or is not
She's said he doesn't want the baby so why should he then have to pay for something he has no say in apparently ? that's just as bad as a man forcing a woman to have his child imo. Makes me embarrassed to be a woman reading that talk about double standards

zeeboo · 09/10/2019 11:16

There is nothing to be confused about. He has shown his true colours and your baby is worth a hundred times more than an arse like that.

FoodWoes · 09/10/2019 11:21

Lemmy why are you quoting your own post

Nobody has even acknowledged what you said.

FoodWoes · 09/10/2019 11:22

I can understand his frustration but he's been an utter cunt about it.

Even if you did have an abortion would you be able to face him now? Knowing how callous he was over it all.

What a horrible situation :(

Lemmywinks · 09/10/2019 11:27

I was quoting Bluntness100

MarianaMoatedGrange · 09/10/2019 11:28

The engagement is a bribe to get you to abort. Gross.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/10/2019 11:29

Don’t have an abortion if you want to keep the baby. But it sounds like he’s walking away if you don’t, and you won’t forgive him if you do, so plan to be on your own.

Was he planning to move back in before you found out? Moving out over “mood swings” is extreme.

NoCauseRebel · 09/10/2019 11:29

Not going to be a popular opinion I know but he is not in the wrong for not wanting this baby any more than the OP would be for either wanting or not wanting it.

They both decided they didn’t want more children and then the OP fell pregnant. They were both involved in the act which led to the pregnancy.

If the OP had wanted to have an abortion but he didn’t want her to he wouldn’t be in the wrong either.

But OP you do need to talk about this as adults. He is lashing out likely because he had also decided that more children weren’t in the picture here and now he is being faced with the possibility of another child.

I don’t buy into the posts saying that he is “showing his true colours” etc, no perhaps he’s not coming across well but he’s also in shock at finding out that you’re PG.

You need to talk, tell him you don’t want to argue about this but that you do need to discuss it. if you want to carry on with the pregnancy and he doesn’t and wants to leave then let him go but equally I would hear him out.

He’s not the first to react in what one might describe as an unacceptable way when being told of an unplanned pregnancy and he won’t be the last. And equally, these reactions are not unique to men, there are women too who would swear blind that they want a termination and then as time progresses do not go through with having one.

Ultimately if you want to have this baby then that decision is down to you, but equally his reaction now doesn’t make him an arsehole or your relationship insurmountable. He is free to leave if he genuinely doesn’t want this baby, but TBH it’s actually not that common for committed men to walk out even after they’ve reacted.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2019 11:30

Lemmy because if you have sex and make a baby then yes you should financially contribute to it's upbringing. With sex comes a responsibility for procreation even when you don't wish the child.

I'm surprised you're confused on that score.

FoodWoes · 09/10/2019 11:33

Lemmy apologies. I don't know why I read it so wrong.

Stephminx · 09/10/2019 11:39

If you want the baby the you should have it, but you’ll have to accept that you’ll prob be a single parent with the min amount of maintenance paid by a father who does not want this baby and will prob have to be chased for payments. And his attitude is likely to show in visitation etc if he even wants to see the child. You’ll also have to contend with arranging visitation for different children with different dads. It will be hard, but ultimately it’s your decision to make.

If you do not want the baby, I suspect your relationship may have been irreparably damaged by the way he’s reacted to this news. He has a right to an opinion and to make that opinion clear to you (even if it’s not want you want to hear) but at least you can decide what to do in full possession of the facts.

It sounds like he’s really against this baby, but he has expressed that very very badly indeed. It does not however make his feelings wrong.

PlasticPatty · 09/10/2019 11:41

I'm sorry, I'm replying even though I haven't had similar experiences.

You need to be absolutely clear - no matter where he lives, he is not your 'partner' or 'other half'. He is not 'with' you, he does not love and support you. That is clear from his behaviour.

His lovebombing is to make you do what he wants - abort.

You need some headspace, even if it's only a couple of hours, to be alone and think about what you want. You didn't plan to get pregnant, but do you want the baby (you'll be without the father I'd expect - but that would make it easier, not harder)? If you are going to terminate, the sooner the better. Maybe find some counselling before you decide?

If you have the baby you will need to pursue him for child support. Don't be shy about that. He fathered a child, he gets to contribute to the child's upkeep.

I'm sorry you have this dilemma. But put yourself first, think about what you want and what you can cope with. And bear in mind his behaviour and what it tells you about him and your relationship.

Mintjulia · 09/10/2019 11:44

The first thing to do is to dump him. What a creep. He’s not supporting you, not empathising with your situation, he’s threatening you, emotionally blackmailing you, accusing you of lying.
This is the real him. He’s horrible.

PlasticPatty · 09/10/2019 11:46

@Mintjulia Yes!

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