My partner wants me to have an abortion but I’m confused

[Loveeachday]

My other half and I (35 and 37) have been together for 18 months. We both have children from previous relationships. He recently moved in with me and my children and we have his child every week or two. We have just got to a very happy stage of our relationship and I feel the happiest I’ve been in a lot of years. We decided from an early point that we didn’t want any more children and that I would go on the pill.
About a week ago, I started experience mood swings (which caused my other half to say he couldn’t cope and that moving in was a mistake because all women change when you move in), I became exhausted and started to get a funny bloated feeling in my tummy. Three days ago, my oldest friend persuaded me to take a pregnancy test and to my utter amazement, it came back positive. I told my other half when he got home that night and he said “you need to get rid of it. Just take a pill, people do it every day, it’s like going to the dentist”. That made me cry and he started saying stuff like “we agreed no more kids so why are you making such a big deal out of it?”. I spent the rest of the night in tears and he kept telling me how much he loves me until I asked him what he would do if I kept the baby and he got angry and said it will be without a dad.
The next day, he phoned me from work and told me how worried he was about me. He phoned a couple of hours later and went mad at me, saying it’s all my fault and that I must have stopped taking the pill to trap him and that if I had the baby, he would leave me. He phoned me again about an hour later and cried, saying he didn’t want to lose me and that he didn’t want me to have to go through this. When he got home last night, he said we are going to get engaged soon and that he loves me more than anything. He kept kissing me and cuddling me but not in his normal way, he avoids touching my tummy when we cuddle, he wouldn’t look at me naked last night or this morning and when I told him I was hot he said “is that because you’re...” and couldn’t say pregnant. He keeps asking me to book an appointment as I’m ‘dragging it out’. When I said I want him to be with me through it all, he said he doesn’t think he could sit through the scan as it’ll mess him up.
I really don’t know what to do, I’ve just got my life back after being a stay at home mum for years but I can’t help thinking about this baby.
My heads spinning. Has anyone got any similar experiences?

In other words I'll mention getting married so you have a abortion then when it's done we won't be getting married

Whatever you choose to do I would seriously look at your relationship with this man. Any adult knows that pregnancy can still happen while taking the pill and while he’s perfectly entitled to feel he doesn’t want you to continue the pregnancy he is not entitled to be a total shit to you or accuse you of trying to trap him.

Put him out of the picture, because regardless of what you choose to do about the pregnancy, you don’t know whether he’ll be around. What do you feel is right for you and your children? Would you want to do this alone? Could you afford to do it alone?

I honestly feel so confused atm- I told him I’d like a few days for me to get my head around it as I’m as much in shock as he is and he went mad at me, saying that I was trying to trap him and that I’m a control freak. I tried to explain that I wasn’t saying I was going to keep it but I need a chance to let it really sink in and he got so angry. He eventually calmed down but later that night, I got a bit teary (hormones) and again, he went mad at me because “I am doing nothing about it and I’m just dragging it out”. He said I’ve got his life in my hands and I’m doing nothing about it.
I’ve booked to see a dr today, just to find out exactly what happens next, how long is really have to decide, etc but I’m so nervous. It’s awful not being able to talk to him about it, I understand that he doesn’t want another child and I understand that he’s in shock too, I just wish he would take my feelings into consideration too. I feel broken atm 😥

Your partner is not really your partner. If he was he wouldn’t be pushing you manipulatively and in a straight forward manner to have an abortion.

I’ve been in your shoes, my boyfriend years ago said similar things and told me if I kept the baby we would be over. I had the abortion and regretted it for years. Had a total mental breakdown in guilt and sadness.

It’s fair enough if he doesn’t want another child but he can’t make you have an abortion. If you want the child then you have it. As someone else said sex comes with a responsibility and he can’t be stomping around angry at you for not wanting a termination.

I don’t normally comment but I’ve (sort of) been there. I got unexpectedly pregnant (mirena coil). I’ve always known I could never have an abortion and I assumed my DP realised this. We’d been together just over a year. He didn’t want the baby, although never pressured me to get rid of it. I knew I was giving him no option, but that I’d never forgive myself if I had one. To me, it was a baby. So I offered to let him walk away to which he said he loved me and would never do that but need time to get his head round it, I would say it took him a good 3 weeks of horribly difficult conversations and absolutely not wanting it to come to terms with it. Then one day we had a chat about names and that was it. He now adores our daughter. I think seeing a scan where the baby looks more like a baby helped and made it real.
I think you know in your gut that you want to do. As a friend said to me when I was agonising over what to do (because I did consider what he wanted) - you regret the children you don’t have, not the ones you do.
Don’t rush too much, I think you still have time to decide. Remember you have to live with you so if you feel you’ll regret it, don’t do it. It’s so hard, but you’ll get there xxx

If you have a termination you don't want you will very probably hate and resent him. Relationship over.

If you carry on with the pregnancy he will hate and resent you (and probably become increasingly abusive).

I hope you manage to work out a way forward but I do think your partner sounds like an abusive arsehole.

Why has this guy not had a vasectomy?? If he's that set on never having children ever again, why hasn't he taken control over his ability to procreate, instead of relying on you to take artificial hormones for the next 10+ years?!

What a dick!

What a dreadful man he is. I am surprised your not rethinking your entire relationship. Another man who moves into his DP house and his DC stays every week and you are in a tricky situation and instead of being supportive and talking it through he is being abusive. I feel sorry for your other DC living with this dreadful man

he couldn’t cope and that moving in was a mistake because all women change when you move in

Ugh. Nice role model you’ve moved in with your kids.

Get rid of him. He’s behaved awfully and clearly doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s making false promises about getting married etc.

Then decide what you want to do about the pregnancy.

@Loveeachday

You need to take a pause. Cancel that Drs appointment. Can you go and stay anywhere for a few days (family, friends etc)? Go and gather your thoughts without him there. Think about pros and cons. Come to your own decision. Then make any appointments- whether its booking in with a midwife or an abortion. It needs to be your decision.

Do not have an abortion to keep him happy. He's treated you disgustingly, and personally, I wouldn't want him breathing the same air as me. He is only thinking about himself, so rather than running into line behind him, put yourself first. What do you want?

In my opinion, your relationship is dead anyway. He's irrelevant. A selfish, arrogant, self centred pig. Put yourself first. You'll be okay. But you need to make the right decision for you, or you'll never forgive yourself.

So... He was behaving in a kinda arse-holey way about the mood swings verdure he found out you were pregnant?

Ironic considerig he seems to be having the biggest mood swing ever.

I'd get rid of him no matter what you decide. He sounds like an immature twit.

I had an appointment with my doctor today and they were so understanding and brilliant, it’s made me feel a lot more relaxed about this all. They confirmed that in the case of unplanned pregnancies, it’s unfortunately all too often the case that the man will put the blame onto his partner. She told me to take my time as I’m probably only a few weeks and to give myself some time and thinking space. She’s booked me another appointment for the end of this week just to go and chat to her. It felt so good to be completely honest with her about everything my partner has said and feels and how I’m feeling, I told her that I’ve told him he’s free to leave at any time and that I’ve not made my mind up one way or another. I still don’t know for sure if I want to continue with the pregnancy or not but I am slowly getting used to the idea that if I do, I’ll be going it’ll alone as he’s not backing down on his get rid of it or I’m walking ultimatum. That still hurts to think of being without someone that I’ve been my happiest with but I’m finally realising that I need to think about me and my wellbeing...will I be able to cope with regrets if I terminate, will I be able to cope with a newborn as well as my other children or will this baby complete my family? Hopefully, my head will start to clear soon and I’ll make the right decision based on me and my feelings, not me panicking that the person who says they love me more than anything in the world will walk away from me if I don’t bow to his demands.

Sounds to me like he's confused. That day when he called you he had several different reactions which suggests he's struggling himself. That is not so surprising given that you both agreed not to have any more children and that in pregnancy you're also under the influence of hormones which make it easier for you to bond with the baby whereas he doesn't have that biological aid. I'd talk to him. I mean - of course he could (and should) have handled it better - but is there a good way to say you don't want a baby to your pregnant partner? This of course does not apply if you feel that your bond with him has been irreparably damaged. And I'd agree with everyone else- you don't HAVE to choose anything he wants. You both have a right to choose whether you want this pregnancy or not.

I think that this:

he’s not backing down on his get rid of it or I’m walking ultimatum

is way beyond him being 'confused' @Aneley

This is a nasty, nasty response.

Hope ur OK op.

I am glad you are thinking about yourself . I think your relationship is over whatever you decide to keep the baby or not. He has had no thoughts of you in this . He can not want the baby but the way he is treating you is unacceptable.

Do you have an update?

I am going through the exact same situation!

Hope you’re ok x

Your comment is quite shocking to be honest... If she did decide to keep the child then she has every right, every LEGAL right to expect financial support. If he didn't want another child then as an adult it was his responsibility to ensure he used protection to prevent a pregnancy. As an adult it is his responsibility whether he likes it or not.

Umm he sounded like a dick before you even got pregnant. Sorry op. "All women change when you move in" what? HE got you pregnant. He's being pretty nasty to you.