Is now good to have a baby?

[yellowroses1997]

I’m 22 y/o female (23 next June), been with my fiancé for 2 years, 3 next year and we have just moved into our first home. He is 32, in quite a good job and has just been promoted. I have just finished some temporary work however have multiple job offers and will be starting work in the next few weeks, before the end of October. We’re clear we do want kids, we said maybe we go travelling next year and then get settled into a new job and after that try for a child. I am quite concerned that I’m nearing 25, for people who will roll their eyes at that comment the reason that worries me is because my friend who is a doctor said I’d ‘become less fertile each year I age’ And my fiancé is over 30 which she has plenty to say about. The thought of being a mother makes me feel warm and I feel my purpose on this earth is to be a mother, yes I know it’ll have it’s tough times but it’ll be the most rewarding thing ever.

I’m currently off any contraception (due to my old pill making me slightly ill, it just didn’t react well with my body) and we’re being careful, using other methods.

My mother and all my aunts say there is never a good time to have a baby so I don’t know if al the thoughts in my head such as “you’ll get fired if you start a job and get pregnant”, “your mum won’t be happy” (which she has clearly stated)

I also want to be the first child to give my parents a grandchild which makes me feel like there is a clock on me as my fiancé’s parents already have a few grandkids and I want to give the first grandchild to one half of the family at least. I have good chances I mean my older brother does not want children whatsoever and my 2 other siblings are considerably younger and in primary school

I think my main question here is: is there ever a right time to have a baby?
Am I being unreasonable thinking now is a good time and should I wait?

Mumsnet can't really tell you when you're ready, only you can decide that. Sounds like you've got your head together though and that it's something you feel ready for.

If you want to do some travelling though or get settled into a job first, I'd suggest doing so before trying to conceive, as having a child could really upset those plans. You'll also want to consider things like maternity pay which you may only be entitled to after spending a while with your employer.

BTW, I'm 32 and fell pregnant the first time I had unprotected sex with my husband after years on contraception. My friend is 24 and it took her nearly a year to conceive.
So I really wouldn't worry about your age unless you have other particular reasons to doubt your (or your partner's) fertility.

Just to set things clear I don’t mean to ask everyone on mumsnet if I should have a baby, I’m asking the questions I stated at the bottom of my post:

• is there ever a right time to have a baby? (Heard the saying there is no right time a lot, wanted to gather mums opinions)
• By the sound of my situation, am I only seeing the nice side of motherhood and jumping into this? Kind of wanting to see dynamics from other users on mumsnet e.g. did you get pregnant at a time that didn’t seem right situation wise and it worked out?

At 22 you have years ahead of you to have a baby.
I had my third at 42. At 22 I wouldn’t have worried in the least In the way you are

I think you need to calm down and decide whether you want t to go globetrotting or have a baby.
A baby makes globetrotting a bit more challenging.

I also want to be the first child to give my parents a grandchild

This is terrible reason to rush having a baby. As is needing to come off your previous pill.

Get married. Travel. Get a decent job which has good benefits and can offer flexibility. Don’t plan your life around a man’s job and income. Especially if you’re not married. Being engaged gives you no protection at all. Don’t listen to your friend! It’s nothing to do with her. If you’re broody, that’s okay, but own it, don’t put it on her scare mongering. And I really wouldn’t go for it at this point but it’s your life.

Get married first.

I also want to be the first child to give my parents a grandchild

Oh, dear god. Are you for real? NO ONE CARES!! FFS. That's one of the most immature things I've read on here.

Many members of my family have made it clear they care, since I was quite young actually. Maybe that’s why I feel it’s important and feel slight pressure

I would personally want to get settled in a permanent job before trying for a baby.

As for the comment your Dr friend made, I am very late 20s and got pregnant first time trying, miscarried, then got pregnant first cycle. I also got pregnant with my daughter first time trying just a couple of years ago. I would take the comment with a pinch of salt

Many members of my family have made it clear they care

So?

They had their babies. This one will be yours. Your pregnancy, your sleepless nights, your lack of career prospects if you do it before you’ve got a job to go back to, your financial instability if you’re unemployed and unmarried. Babies are people, not cute dolls to dress up and pass around for cuddles.

You don't sound mature enough to have a child.

Your decision making process is diabolical.

Once you've nailed thinking for yourself, making independent decisions rather than what you think others want/expect or are pressuring you for, and know the difference between official medical advice and the opinion of friends/family/strangers... Maybe reconsider.

You won't be able to act in a child's best interests if you don't even know how to act in your own.

So? They're not the ones doing the donkey work. Get married (is the house in your name now, let me guess), get a steady job then consider having a baby.

@timshelthechoice Yes it is actually, I’m very proud to say. I opened a help to buy ISA when I was 16 and put any wages from any job in there (as much as I could within the monthly limit) and have used birthday money since then to save. I worked my ass off to get my own house

Your first line jumped out at me. It's reminds me of a teenager saying 'I'm 15 but nearly 16' I'm sorry but I don't think you are ready yet

I've been with my husband 7 years since being 23. We bought a house, travelled all over the world and got married then we knew it was the right time. It took us 2.5 years to conceive due to problems but I was 27 before coming off the pill but I did it knowing the time was right. So when it's right for you, you will know.

I had DS1 at 24. It has worked out fine, still with DH (although we weren't married at the time) and we had a 2nd baby when I was 27. I did have a really stable job that I was well established in and they offered me a lot of flexibility which is unusual in the industry I work in.

Would I have a baby at 24 if I had my time again? Absolutely not, I missed out on so so much. I would have loved to have travelled or had spontaneous weekends away or just gone for a drink after work with my colleagues.

I absolutely adore both of my children and I wouldn't change them for the world but I would have loved a little more time to just be 'me'.

Plenty of my friends are just having babies now, and we're mid 30s so much as fertility declines, it's not the end at 25!

I got married at 28 weeks pregnant at 21. I'm 22 now with my eight month old son. I love my little family yes and my god do I love seeing him grow.
But honestly.. the sleep deprivation, the explosive poo, the petty squabbles between your partner, the never being spontaneous, the finances, the childcare.. there is a lot to consider with having a baby OP, and tbh I didn't know until I got there.
Wait it out. Honestly. You've got time.

You do sound very young.

The part about wanting to give give your parents their first grandchild is plain silly. That should not factor into your decision. If your siblings are still in primary school, chances are your parents are pretty pre-occupied anyway.

Travel and have fun for a few years. Enjoy you wonderful, free life You have only just turned 22. Not 'nearing 25'. If you are worried about fertility, aim to have children before 30. But you still have 8 years for that. And even then many women have children in their 30s and 40s. I believe the average age for a first time mother was age 30 in 2018.

I was 26 when I TTC and was one of the lucky ones who got pregnant straight away.
Imo 25 you're still quite fertile

Mn tends to be skewed to those who were first time mothers at older ages. And women in the uk are generally having first at an older age now BUT that doesn't necessarily means it's right for you to do that or wrong to have them younger.

Evolution takes many many years yet often on here there are comments which suggest that female fertility for women is much improved compared to the last generation or 2 who had thei firsts younger.

But the fact is biologically fertility does start to decline from age 25 on and struggling with ttc etc can be heart breaking. None of the people I know who had their first after 35 had an easy time of it at all!

I have endo, which I strongly suspected but wasn't dx until I was at the point of ttc. I'd had people including medics saying to me for years that I was being ridiculous in wanting to have my first before I was 30 because I knew SOMETHING Was wrong and I feared if I didn't then I would never be a mother - turns out I was pretty much right!

I had 2 mc before dd, then had to have that operated on and treated, then had several other issues that delayed ttc and eventually was pregnant with dd at 27. The pregnancy was not straightforward and the birth was far from!

So in my opinion you're not wrong to consider being a younger mum.

Generally speaking there's pros and cons to being a young mum or an older mum. Babies are knackering too! So youth can help
on that score too.

Having said all that I would also say I'm glad I did a load of travelling before having dd inc living abroad for a time and I also was insistent on being married before ttc, I made that clear to dds dad quite early on in our relationship.

You sound as if (as is fairly typical still) your fiancé is the higher earner and this will be compounded by pregnancy and having a baby. Marriage offers many legal protections for you both in the event of many things going wrong - not just splitting up although that is a factor.

You also need to be sure he does and will continue to pull his weight at home after you've had the baby, because even if you are a sahm that doesn't mean all childcare and household duties should be yours.

Lots to think about

i think you've had some good answers there OP!

As for your question on "is there ever a right time to have a baby?" my answer would be, no it's never "convenient" or "easy" to have a baby, but some times may be better or easier than others, although none will be "right".

Especially thinking in terms of your career and finances - about childcare costs and how you'd cover, or if you're planning to give up work - will you want to start work again once the child(ren) start school, or leave the house? Will it be easier to rejoin a career path with a couple years' experience rather than a temporary position on the CV?

I think most of all - what does your partner think?

There is no rush. Some people feel ready much earlier than others, I have a couple of friends who had babies in their early 20s because all they ever wanted was to be a mum. In contrast it took me a long time, and wasn't until I met DH at 34 that I thought about it seriously. I had DS at 37 and am about to have DS2 at 40. At your age, fertility and your biological clock should not be a concern, it's manipulative to tell you otherwise.

It sounds like you are being pulled in many directions by older family members who are only thinking of themselves. However it's you who will make the sacrifices, live with the consequences, change your body and devote yourself to that child permanently. Family members can pick and choose how much they are involved.

If you do decide to have children now, please protect yourself by getting married. You will be very vulnerable otherwise.

Hi OP,
I see you being jumped on here. I think that generally when someone is asking strangers the questions you’re asking, then it might not be the right time. As someone who has spent their life trying to do things others (especially my mum) might be pleased by I would say to you... please don’t hun. You will regret decisions made for others, whether it’s about a baby or otherwise.

If I could offer some advice re TTC I’d say this is not a nice place to be. My husband and I waited until I was 29, he was 30. We got pregnant in month 2 and were overjoyed. I had an MC very soon after. The last year has been hell- my life is taken over by ‘trying’, ovulation, wishing, hoping, testing, disappointment, fake symptoms and more wishing. I am so glad that I spent time before TTC enjoying my life. We had a fantastic wedding, honeymoon and both got settled in our careers.

Whatever you choose to do, do it for you, and probably also what your partner wants too!!
Good luck x

Who owns the home?

Let me preface this by saying I'm 25 years old and also contemplating TTC. So I understand where you're coming from. I've been thinking about starting a family for the past 5 years (ever since I met my now DH).

However, your post sounds a bit immature to me:

23 next June - as a pp said, it makes you sound like "I'm 15, but nearly 16"

3 next year - well, of course... you add one year onto a time frame, and naturally it increases...

I feel my purpose on this earth is to be a mother - this is not a healthy mindset. You have plenty of purposes beyond being a mother. Many women who want to be mothers never get the opportunity, due to infertility or other life circumstances. And those who do manage with this sort of mindset, put too much pressure on 'being a mother' which may negatively impact upon their children. Find meaning in your life being yourself as an individual, rather than yourself in relation to others. Once you accomplish this, I think you will be a better partner and mother (my mother focussed too much on 'mothering' and not on herself, which had some serious knock-on effects on her children and marital relationship).

I also want to be the first child to give my parents a grandchild which makes me feel like there is a clock on me as my fiancé’s parents already have a few grandkids and I want to give the first grandchild to one half of the family at least. I have good chances I mean my older brother does not want children whatsoever and my 2 other siblings are considerably younger and in primary school - this is just plain immature and a terrible reason to have a child.

I have set myself certain goals before having children, to ensure that I'm mentally and physically prepared to have them. I've spent my time:

• reading up on parenting resources,
• completing professional qualifications that I may not have time for once I have young DC,
• establishing my career, so that I have a good Maternity Leave package and good prospects for returning to the workplace
• establishing better lifestyle and eating habits, so that I can look after my children properly
• saving money for a home (I understand you have bought one already, which is amazing!!)
• creating a good social network (one that will be able to support me once I have a child, and isn't overly concerned with drinking and nights out)
• travelling to places that I otherwise could not otherwise travel to/may not enjoy as much with young kids (e.g. Zika virus zones, adventure holidays etc.)

I changed a lot over the past 3 years (for the better - I matured a lot!). I though I was fully adult at 22, but I can assure you that for most people this is not the case.

Don't put too much emphasis on 'getting pregnant before 25', 'having the first grandchild' etc. Establish who you are as a person first, take the opportunity to live a happy and selfish lifestyle in your early 20s (while you can - once you're a mum you'll have to consider your DC first in every decision).

And I would heavily advise you get married before you have children, especially since you are the lower earner - you need to protect yourself financially. You have only known your partner for 2 years. I've known mine for 5 and every year I feel I get to know the real 'him' more. From what I've read, partners can change a lot after children and you may be blindsided by your partner (i.e. he may end up being extremely self-centred and not help with child-care/sharing financial resources despite seeming generous at present).

Take some time to carefully decide whether you have adequately matured before taking this step. Best of luck, OP.