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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Does my baby have to sleep at her dads house over night

32 replies

eks3 · 02/10/2019 11:43

Hi guys, I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first little girl and I have split up with my boyfriend. He still lives with his mum who has put me through a horrendous amount of stress during my pregnancy. She constantly texts me sending me abuse, and threatening me. I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her dad but I don't really trust his mum. I was wondering when co parenting when she's born does she have to stay over at his house? I'm so worried because of how awful his mum is being with me she has already been threatening to take me to court and I don't want to have to go through all of that, I just want the best life possible for my little girl 😭

OP posts:

AllFourOfThem · 02/10/2019 11:46

Eventually he will have the right (assuming he wants to) to have her overnight and it will be out of your control where that is (provided she is safe and well cared for). However, it would be considered to be in her best interests to stay with overnight with you to begin with, especially if you are breastfeeding.

I think you need to block his mum and have no further contact with her. He, as the father, can take you to court but she does not have that right. But please OP, give the baby your surname.

abigailsnan · 02/10/2019 11:57

Block this woman's number and have no contact with her we had similar problem when my DD was expecting her 1st little boy the fathers mother even decorated a nursery for the baby when DD was 6mths pregnant.
My DD got a residency order and did not register his name on the birth certificate so you do the same.
Do you have other support such as your family if you do make sure they are aware of this womans controlling attitude towards you.

Teddybear45 · 02/10/2019 12:42

You could try to use breastfeeding as a way to discourage overnights. That way even if she does take you to court there would be no hope of the judge agreeing.

aliensprig · 02/10/2019 13:27

Everything the previous posters have said, but - don't block her. Be polite or don't respond, and screenshot all messages. They will come in handy at some point.

Spied · 02/10/2019 13:37

Agree. Keep all the messages. Do not respond. Give DD your surname and I'd also be keeping him off the birth certificate although I know many would disagree.
I'd be thinking about gaining evidence proving your daughter wouldn't be in an emotionally stable environment if she stayed there and you feel it would put her at risk. The more you can prove these threats the better.
Your ex really needs to be thinking about getting his own home.

AnotherEmma · 02/10/2019 13:44

I think you should ask her to stop contacting you and warn her that you will report her for harassment if she doesn't. Then if she contacts you again, report her to the police and then block her on everything. Keep her messages and emails though in case you need evidence later.

Your daughter will have the right to contact with her father but while she is a baby this will be limited to what is reasonable given that you are her primary carer (and especially if you breastfeed).

I suggest that you focus on keeping things as polite as possible between the two of you, keep his mother out of it, and you may need to consider mediation to reach an agreement about contact arrangements if he is pushing for contact.

Of course his mother might be more interested that he is but she has no rights of her own.

MissEliza · 02/10/2019 13:45

Start recording every time she harasses you and then contact the police.

XJerseyGirlX · 02/10/2019 13:48

OP, just say your breastfeeding and also keep her txts, they will not take a breastfeeding baby off the mother for more than a few hours and cant force you to express.

If you show the police her txts and get a harrassment order on her, the courts will make your ex see the baby away from his mother.

Bourbonbiccy · 02/10/2019 13:50

How is the relationship with you and the father are you amicable ?

Keep a record of all correspondence from her, you may need it at some point. Is there any indication he may move out of his mums anytime soon ?

MissPepper8 · 02/10/2019 13:56

I'll be honest I don't think you should be doing overnights with her for a while, especially as a newborn. If there's a problem you dont want them causing unnecessary stress bringing her back at all hours (ie they can't settle her ect). I'd 100% put my foot down and say no not until she is a few months old, until then they can do day visits. She'll miss you and you'll miss her terribly. Breastfeeding is a good excuse, are you going to try? You can always offer he can stay on a sofa the first few nights too.

As for his mum, I don't know what to say. Can you say to your ex tell her to stop? I think what she is doing is potentially damaging the relationship even more so before the baby is born. I certainly would not leave my baby in a house where a person has been abusive to me.

Does dad want to be involved? Or is it just his mother? As others have said, screenshot all texts, don't respond or antagonise her and certainly have a word with ex and say I can't comfortably let baby stay and continue a civil relationship with you if your mother is being abusive to me.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 02/10/2019 14:02

Eventually he will have the right to overnights and rightly so as he is the father.

However when new born especially if breast fed, I think visiting baby at your home a few times a week/he takes baby to visit his family for a few hours etc is acceptable. Overnights for a newborn doesn’t really benefit them

catspyjamas123 · 02/10/2019 14:05

Don’t put him on the birth certificate.

pikapikachu · 02/10/2019 14:39

It's not hard for a Dad to get added to a birth certificate.

Gran does not have a right to take you to court so ignore her threats.

You won't be expected to have baby gone overnight so don't worry about that either. Little and often is ideal until she's older.

Original poster

eks3 · 02/10/2019 14:39

Thank you, I am considering trying to breastfeeding! I've got all of the messages still. Strangely she texts me apologising this morning which I responded to politely asking her to not contact me again, but it's only a matter of time before she looses it again. I don't think there's much hope in him getting a place of his own, his mother has too much of an input in his life! Thanks everyone for your help! I have advised he will see the baby by coming to my house or us meeting up I have no issues with that at all I just don't want to leave my baby in a house with his mother because I really don't know what she's capable of!

OP posts:

Original poster

eks3 · 02/10/2019 14:42

I also don't think I will put his name on the birth certificate, but I will not deny him contact with his daughter. I have made the decision that the baby will take my surname too

OP posts:

Chandler913 · 02/10/2019 15:11

Why would be the reason not to give baby father's surname

italianfiat · 02/10/2019 15:14

Why would be the reason not to give baby father's surname

Eh?

Why should she give the baby it's fathers surname

Chandler913 · 02/10/2019 15:14

It's hard that his mother is like this... But if you have a good relationship with father then I think it's terrible that people on here are advising against putting him on birth certificate... Its his child too.. And baby deserves a father who is involved in its life

catspyjamas123 · 02/10/2019 15:23

Patriarchal throwback! Why shouldn’t the baby have it’s mother’s surname - she has to go a damned sight more work to carry and deliver the child. And the wannabe granny is already vile.

MissPepper8 · 02/10/2019 15:54

You're not going to marry him (unless you have some sort of relationship again) so I'd keep your surname yeah :), it's also easily changed if you pay a fee I think.

This is tough, like I said is he actually wanting to be involved in the babies life? You don't have to put him on the certificate but if he wants to be involved and you let him then what's the point of not putting him on? It also wouldn't be right to punish him and your little girl because of his mothers actions.

I'd keep it civil and polite, she probably realises if she keeps pushing you, you have more power over this situation. I'm not making excuses for her but it's hard all round for you all x

AllFourOfThem · 02/10/2019 16:50

I think it's terrible that people on here are advising against putting him on birth certificate.

I agree he should be on the birth certificate as the father but it has nothing to do with the surname the baby is given.

The birth certificate can have the father’s name on it and the baby can have the mother’s surname. This can be the case with happily married couples, who have different surnames, or where the mother and father are no longer a couple.

catspyjamas123 · 02/10/2019 17:35

He’s not married to the OP and has already bailed out on her in pregnancy. His family are being controlling and abusive even before the birth. What are the chances of him sticking around and being involved until adulthood? The baby doesn’t need his name - chances are mum will always be there for her.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/10/2019 18:00

@eks3
How awful not to put his name on the birth certificate? And very immature? You can still give the baby your surname and have the fathers name on the certificate

In fact since your not married the baby will be presumed to have your name anyway

Imagine how your child will feel when older to see that??

Sorry to be harsh OP but Why don't people think about of all of this before getting pregnant in relationships which are clearly not stable

AbbieLexie · 02/10/2019 18:05

Wiser people will post with advice - please do not put father's name on the birth certificate.

Mintjulia · 02/10/2019 18:06

If the baby has your surname it will make so many things easier moving forward. You’ll be doing most of the school runs, doctor’s visits, hospital runs etc. You’ll be taking the baby on holiday more. Much easier when people assume you will have the same surname. You don’t have to keep correcting them.
Also if his family is the type to hurl pointless abuse and nastiness, your child may well prefer not to share their name.
Good luck.

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