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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Unmarried Asian girl

36 replies

Jasmine007 · 28/09/2019 07:27

I’m a 37 year old British Asian(Indian), who is currently 6 weeks pregnant with my white boyfriend who my parents don’t know about , because my family would not approve, because he already has 2 kids with 2 different women so my parents would disown me if they found out. I really want the baby as been with my boyfriend 2years now who adores me and is going to support me through this. He is a good dad as he sees the other 2 children every week and pays for them both.

I previously had 2 terminations in past with other ex’s, feel like I cannot do it again and want this baby, but my parents will disown me They have done alot for me , supported me financially and expect me to marry someone different to who I love. I’m in despair right now.

Please can I have advice.

OP posts:

TemporaryPermanent · 28/09/2019 07:32

Sounds very tough. But congratulations.

How's your own financial situation - somewhere to live, work? What support do you have with those things? I'm glad your partner is supportive.

It's not uncommon for parents who are angry at a situation to feel differently when the baby arrives. I hope that happens and that your parents are the grandparents your baby deserves.

SparklingXmas · 28/09/2019 07:37

I’m sorry OP but all those are red flags.
How will you bring up your child?
Will your parents never see the child? Or you again?
He already has 2 other children, which is no bad thing but we need more info as to what’s happened there or any DV/affairs. Do you live with your partner?
You’ve already had two terminations, maybe have some counselling as to why. And finally I know I’m coming across as harsh but are/were you actively trying for a baby together- if not, then it’s not fair on your partner and you need to use contraception. But maybe see your gp to discuss further as you are a grown woman now.

Moondancer73 · 28/09/2019 07:43

I'm going to sound rude but I think you should look into contraception as a starter.

AJPTaylor · 28/09/2019 07:46

Worst case scenario. Parents disown you, boyfriend dumps you. Do you have a place to live and be able to pay bills?

Charles11 · 28/09/2019 07:57

It won’t be easy but I hope you’re financially independent now.
I know most Asian parents wouldn’t approve of this but sometimes they come round. I don’t know if you’ve spoken about being engaged or getting married with your boyfriend but that often makes it more acceptable to many Asian parents.

If you’ve made your decision then you just need the strength to go through with it and accept the consequences. Good luck.

dreamyflower · 28/09/2019 08:05

I feel some of these comments have been harsh. You're 37 so realistically, probably your last chance for a baby. I'm sure you have thought it through. If it's what you want then do it.be prepared for the worse but also there may be a possibility when baby comes along that things may change? Congratulations and good luck.

stucknoue · 28/09/2019 08:08

Are you financially independent? Do you have your own home? It's only feasible to have this child if you are willing and able to bring this baby up on your own, plenty do. Not all Asian parents are as judgemental as you imply, they might prefer you chose more wisely but they also probably want grandkids and might actually be pleased you are finally having a baby even if in less than ideal circumstances - would your bf marry you? Talk to your family if you are going ahead you will need them

Jesskir89 · 28/09/2019 08:10

Op I don't want to sound harsh on your family's wishes as they just want the best for you but unfortunately the UK in 2019 is full of broken family's so the chance of a woman at your age falling in love with a man that has a past is very likely and your parents will have to come to terms with it. As previous poster said at 37 this could be your last chance to have a baby. Embrace it and whatever will be will be

Angelf1sh · 28/09/2019 08:11

I’m not sure what advice we can give you op. If you’ve decided against another termination, then that’s that. You’re having the baby and you’ll have to deal with the consequences of that. We obviously have no idea what your family is like, but it’s often the case that when we are scared, we work things up in our heads to be bigger than they are. I’d suggest that the pair of you sit down with your parents and tell them the truth. Yes they’ll be upset, but maybe they might surprise you and handle the situation better than you’d anticipated. If they don’t and you’re right about being disowned, well that would have happened in a few weeks anyway when you could no longer hide the pregnancy.

If there’s any chance that you and your partner would get married, perhaps discuss doing that ahead of the baby arriving, that might help smooth things over with your parents.

Good luck op.

ShippingNews · 28/09/2019 08:16

If your boyfriend is so wonderful, adores you, wants to support you , is there some reason why he can't marry you ? At least you'd have some security going forward. I'm probably the age of your parents, and if my daughter was in your situation I'd be more comfortable with things if I thought your boyfriend was willing to make a commitment to you.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 28/09/2019 08:18

Where will you live? Who will you live with? Can he afford to support baby #3? Do you work?

Think of the practicalities - have it worked out before telling your parents.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 28/09/2019 08:18

Sorry - and congratulations on the pregnancy. You don’t need stress at this time so try to get your ducks in a row.

CinnamonMentos · 28/09/2019 08:31

I am also from and Indian background. I’d been with my boyfriend for only a short time when I fell pregnant (I was 30). We decided we wanted to keep the baby, sat down with my parents and explained we were getting married. My parents were cool. My grandparents were a little shocked, but they all came around. I live across the road from my parents now and they’re massively involved in my dc and love my dh to bits.

You need to decide for yourself if you can financially, and emotionally, cope without your parents support. You also need to come to terms with the fact they may never come around. If things with your bf dont work out, will you be able to manage with no support whatsoever?

Also, I do think it will be better if you get married. It’ll be much easier for them to accept than you living with your bf, unmarried, and having a baby. That’s a major no-no in Asian culture.

scubadive · 28/09/2019 08:39

Why are you not getting married if he adores you. This would give you more financial security.

Don’t have a termination if you want the baby. Don’t put your parents e your life and the life of your child. You are 38, time is running out.

But was the baby planned? Do you plan to live together as a family?

Why have you got pregnant twice before in circumstances you couldn’t have the baby? Your actions don’t sound thought through and having a baby is a huge thing and should be planned for.

Good luck.

randomusername · 28/09/2019 09:18

Firstly you're not a girl, you're a woman. A woman who is capable of making her own decisions. You've said you want this baby and that is what you should do. It is your decision, not your parents, not your boyfriends, yours.

You're nearly 40 - I'm sure your parents will just be happy to be grandparents! But if they really are upset, explain he is actively involved and supports his other children and even if they're initially upset, I can't see how they won't see reason eventually.

meccacos2 · 28/09/2019 09:19

There are so many red flags here.

If you stay, prepare to support this child in your own.

Jesskir89 · 28/09/2019 09:23

Op has said he boyfriend will support her so why people keep saying she will be raising it on her own I don't know....

randomusername · 28/09/2019 09:31

What exactly are the red flags?
He sees his children regularly and supports them financially. He has already proved he is a good and responsible father.
She could of fallen pregnant with another man of 2 years with no children who'd have more risk of doing a runner. Even if things don't work out, everything he's done with his other children clearly demonstrates he is a decent man who takes care of his children. Is anyone actually reading the post?🤔

Octonaught · 28/09/2019 09:31

I’m Asian, I had a baby at 39 and wasn’t married and never did.
DS dad was divorced with 2 kids
My parents weren’t thrilled, Initially but they adore DS
I lived with DS’s father for 8 years, we split up.
ds still sees his dad regularly.

Just enjoy your baby. If you split up, then I’m sure your family will rally round (one of the positives of Asian families; nosy, opinionated but they look after their own).
I presume at 37 you have a job, and your own place.
Time to cut the Apron strings.

KUGA · 28/09/2019 09:43

Sound like a disaster in the making tbh.

frost8bite · 28/09/2019 09:56

The only way to know how your parents will react is to tell them, and allow some time. Congratulations x

Popper456 · 28/09/2019 09:57

Keep the baby, talk to parents and walk away to give them time to think. Don't say or do anything else. Be honest and direct. Ur Indian and 34, start acting like u have a backbone. Sorry to b harsh but ur responsible for another life (again).

LuckyLou7 · 28/09/2019 10:49

After two terminations, and at your age, this could well be your last chance of being a mum. So take a deep breath, tell yourself you are a 37 year old woman, and your parents' opinion is irrelevant. Then get yourself booked in for antenatal care.

Congratulations.

Teddybear45 · 28/09/2019 10:54

I’m Indian too and I need to raise a few points:

At 37 you are not a girl. You are a grown woman. You were old enough to have a DP you chose to be with even though your parents disapproved of him. So you are old enough to have this child and face the consequences of their disapproval if required. If you want to keep your baby keep it.

You are 37 and Indian and single. Your parents may have given up all hope of you ever settling down with kids and you probably already have an oddball reputation amongst your extended family. A pregnancy when you are unmarried and a white boyfriend may not be the worst thing ever and your parents may be ecstatic that you found someone male. If you and your DP are considering marriage anyway then the disapproval may just be a flash in the pan and things will be fine either after the wedding or after the baby is born.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 28/09/2019 14:15

OP,
You don’t need to announce it to anyone until you are 12 weeks.
In the meantime, it is between you are your DP. Perhaps the first step is to actually tell your parents about him.
Do you have an open minded friend of your parent’s who could be with you when you broach the subject of the boyfriend.
Baby steps ( sorry pun not Intended)
Congratulations on the pregnancy!

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