How to prepare for potential gender disappointment?

[pomeggranit]

I have my 20w anomaly scan on Monday and I want to find out the gender but at the same time I'm absolutely dreading it.

I know it stupid and as long as I have a healthy baby then that's the important bit but I've always pictured myself with a little boy and I know that if I find out on Monday that I'm having a little girl I'm going to be heartbroken.

I've tried telling myself all the good things about having a girl and I've tried daydreaming about having a little girl the same way I do about having a boy but it all feels so wrong and detached.

I'm certain if it is a girl I'll get my head round the idea before I'm due and I'll love her to bits once she's here but I've just had such a hard time with this pregnancy that I want something to go right and I want to finally be able to enjoy it.

Has anybody else been in this situation? How did you prepare yourself for the scan?

I get where @newtlover is coming from. 20 weeks for people to fill your head with rubbish and tired old gender stereotypes instead of just “a baby” and getting on with it when s/he arrives.

I have 2 of each and honestly they’re all so different. Having a boy or girl doesn’t matter, both sexes have their good and bad sides.

I don’t know. I always wanted a boy and knew From the start I was having a boy but in one of the scans they told me I was expecting a girl.

To my surprise, I embraced the idea of a girl with all my heart until a minute later when they told me it was a boy. As pleased I was about having the boy I always knew I was expecting, I felt somewhat bereaved about loosing the girl I “had” for a couple of minutes. Strange isn’t it?

Wait until you see her, if you don’t start loving her there and then, you will when she smiles at you for the first time 🙂

I think you're getting a big of a rough time here, OP. MN doesn't like gender disappointment threads!

I do understand how you feel a bit. I wasn't so extreme but I really hoped we would have a girl. It was nothing to do with stereotypes (I am the least girly girl there is and was a total tomboy as a child, I don't care for shopping trips, blah blah), but I wanted a daughter. I suppose partly because I have such a good relationship with my mum and wanted to have that opportunity, plus we're only having one so it felt like it was my only 'chance' for a mother-daughter relationship. Of course the most important thing was a healthy baby, and I was so grateful at every scan that everything was OK. But it was still a preference I had, even though I didn't really voice it to anyone (it turns out DP also wanted a girl but didn't want to say so, so that was an amusing conversation after she arrived!)

However, once she arrived, I realised that if she had been a boy, it wouldn't have mattered at all as when they're here they become this tangible being, not this hypothetical boy or girl that you can think about when they're inside you. Once they're here, they're just your child, and that's it. So even if you have to reevaluate and adjust to a girl, I'm pretty sure that within a few hours of her being born, you'll just be in awe that you've made a little person, who will grow up to be an individual with their own personality. And suddenly this won't seem important at all.

I really really wanted a girl and dreamt of her being lovely and chatty and wearing bows in her hair and doing quiet colouring in.

I got my girl - but she's a beast 😂

Loves sticks, stones, putting stuff up her nose and is well into rough and tumble. She was walking at 10 months and climbing and jumping. The most bullish energetic baby out of all of her peers.

I adore her with all my heart and think she's perfect. But my point is, this mythical girl baby I wanted didn't exist.

You could have a boy but he'd be totally different to how you pictured. Or you could have a girl and she'd be like the missing piece of your heart.

Don't beat yourself up about it too much. Just try to relax and prepare yourself for any outcome. You'll be a great mum whoever you're parenting

OP it sounds like you're in a really difficult place at the moment and it might be worth reposting about your situation as a whole in Relationships or elsewhere.

Is your midwife aware of what you're going through? If not it might be worth making an appointment to see either the mw or the GP because it sounds like you and your baby might benefit from some support.

I recently found out I'm having a girl. I wouldn't say I'm disappointed, but I (realised when they said it was a girl that I'd) always pictured myself having a boy. Having thought about it a bit, and read about it a bit, I think it's because my relationship with my own mum is much more conflicted and distant than I'd want my relationship with my daughter to be, and I'm maybe a bit scared that I'm not sure how to parent a girl the way that I wish I'd been parented. (don't know if that makes sense) I also think that growing up to be a woman has always been hard and complicated and if anything it seems to be getting harder and more complicated. Some things happened to me when I was growing up that weren't great and I really don't want them to happen to my daughter either, but I'm not sure how to prevent it. I see my friends and relatives telling their daughters "You can do anything!" which is nice and all, but I do wonder at what point the daughters will figure out that the world around them is still deeply, deeply sexist, and what their parents will do to help them learn to navigate it... So, yeah. I'm trying not to waste energy on feeling guilty that my first response to hearing she's a girl was just to go a bit quiet. I think all parents have some kind of hopes and dreams for/about their children, especially when you're pregnant with your first and it's all so unknown and so abstract. Be kind to yourself.

I used to think I wanted a little girl, but had a boy and now when I have my second I can honestly say it really doesn’t matter to me at all - babies are babies and your kids are your kids, both sexes are great in their own ways and either way you will love them. What makes you want a boy so much OP? As a pp said it may be good to look into why you’re feeling this way - being ‘heartbroken’ over not having a boy does seem quite extreme, although I know gender disappointment isn’t uncommon.

Nope I haven't been in the same position but you could try thinking your blessed to be having this baby as you could be a woman who can't have children, on another note I'm a mum too 3dd's and let me just say they are all completely different in every way a child is so much more than their sex! And on that note my eldest dd has a female friend and she's more the 'typical boy' (hate this saying) than any of the boys in her class the way she dresses the sports she participates in and supports even her mannerisms been togeather since nursery and shes never changed and they are now 11 and she didn't want to wear a dress to their junior prom so she didn't and she looked so smart in what she choose to wear each child is different because they are a person and each person is different whatever your hopes are even if you were having a boy I highly doubt the child would slip right into them dosent work like that they should be who they are and rightly so and it's our place as they parents to love and support them for it 😊

To be honest there is no control over your pregnancy.
I have a little boy but never found out what I was having as I was just happy to have a healthy baby.
Once your LO is here boy or girl the minute they are placed on you is honestly the best feeling and you'll never know love like it x

I think the moral of the story is if you think you may be upset with the news have a surprise because as soon as you see your little bundle of joy you really won’t be sad what they are and will just be so in love!

I disagree with this. I think that if you have a preference one way or the other that finding out and having time to prepare is far better for you. I desperately wanted my last baby to be a specific sex and found out after giving birth that they were the opposite (we’d kept it a surprise). I struggled with it for a lot longer than I would have done if I had known in advance to be able to prepare. I appreciate that my situation is different because the baby I had before had not been healthy and died shortly after birth. I wanted to have the same sex again and apparently it’s very common for people to have strong preferences after a stillbirth or neonatal death.

If you find out you are having a girl and you aren’t excited and looking forward to her arrival when it’s time to give birth, then I’d suggest chatting to a counsellor to help both of you.

I think you’re getting a rough ride too. I felt sad when I found out my firstborn was a boy, and it took until he was born before I got over it - but I did, as soon as they handed him to me.

My second was a girl, which we found out at our 20 week anomaly scan. Sadly we also found out that she wouldn’t survive.

I thought that if I could fall pregnant again, I wouldn’t care about sex because I’d just want a healthy baby. But the choice isn’t “a boy OR a healthy baby”, the healthy bit goes without saying. I desperately wanted another girl. And she is - and is looking lovely and healthy too. Had she been a boy, I know I’d have got over it when he was born, and you will too.

@LatteLove he went completely the other way and became obsessive and over bearing

Anomaly scan op. Healthy baby really, really is the important thing. I think preferences are common and probably inevitable, but 'heartbroken' is totally over the top. I think you need to have a bit of a word with yourself.

Maybe best to find out now and get over any disappointment before your baby is actually here? Not nice not being wanted, and I don't believe babies don't pick up on it.

Oh dear @IndieTara hope you and your girl are OK now

The thing is OP you’re not having a gender, you’re having a child. It doesn’t matter what sex it is unless you are planning on making it conform to outdated gender stereotypes? Are you? I’m sure you aren’t. I’m sure you plan to raise your child to follow their own interests and wear clothes they like regardless of what sex they are. Because that’s what will make them happy, right?

Do you have a complicated relationship with your own mother OP? Emotional neglect/detachment? This could be a sign as you might be projecting your own childhood issues onto the daydreaming about what it’s like to be a mother of a daughter. Talking about it might help.

Don’t worry, when you dig deep you will find fierce love for your daughter but you might need some therapy. However when she comes you might just realize she is a totally different human being and you were daydreaming about your own issues not hers.

Don't find out
It's impossible to be disappointed when your handed a newborn baby

Surely you thought of this before deciding to become pregnant

I've one of each and love them both equally

I honestly think you should cop on

I thought a lot about not finding out at the scan but I'd rather know so if I do really struggle to come to terms then I can get help before the baby is here.
Plus I know if I don't find out then I'll just worry myself sick about it for the rest of the pregnancy.

I think you should speak to you’re midwife or another health professional about this - there must be some other underlying issues here. Talking about ‘coming to terms’ with things and being ‘worried sick’ and saying you may be ‘heartbroken’ makes it sound like you’re preparing to find out if your baby has an incurable disease. As you said, you know this isn’t rational - so for your child’s sake at least make a practical effort to address and manage your issues.

It's impossible to be disappointed when your handed a newborn baby

A perinatal psychologist told me last week that 70% of new mothers report feeling some degree of ambivalence towards their baby when they first meet. It's OK and normal to not be completely thrilled at first, doesn't mean you won't love them soon or that you are/will be a bad mum.

OP you're getting a lot of stick here. Gender disappointment isn't allowed on MN. I always pictured myself with a girl, most of my family are female, very few boys so I expected I would have a girl. I'm 28 weeks pregnant with our son! I'd say I was less upset and more surprised that she was a he. I am however glad I found out so I could adjust my expectations. I won't love him any less or care for him any less because he's a boy but I had preconceived notions of my first (and probably only) child. I struggled to conceive and suffered a loss before getting to this point so I know full well how fortunate we are. You'll be fine OP you just need some time.

I am however glad I found out so I could adjust my expectations.

But where do these imaginary ‘expectations’ even come from? I know everyone has a bit of a ‘feeling’ that it might be a boy or girl, but realistically we all know that it could still be either. Surely it can’t be that much of a surprise to anyone.

@Pinkblueberry I expected to have a girl. I am not, that was the expectation I had to adjust.

And this is why, and I don't care if I get slated for it, I don't think we should find out the sex before birth.

I'm not saying that gender disappointment isn't a thing, it is. It's a thing of our own making though, IMO.
We find out the sex and then spend the next 5/6 months building this fantasy, and life is very rarely like fantasy, therefore more disappointment.

Maybe I'm biased because I didn't find out with either of mine. I didn't find out with either because I genuinely didn't care which sex they were at birth and I wanted the big "it's a ...!!!!" when they were born. It didn't matter to me what was in their nappy, it mattered that they were finally here and safe in my arms.

I genuinely don't understand though, if you're going to be disappointed if your baby is the opposite sex to the one you want, why take the risk of having another baby?

Yes but that’s what confuses me @smartcarnotsosmartdriver. I can understand hoping for a certain sex, having a preference (which is why people get gender disappointment) and even having a bit of a guess or ‘feeling’ that it might be a boy or girl - but to actually ‘expect’ a certain gender as though you could just ‘know’ despite the chance of course always being 50/50 (and of course the amount of girls/boys in your family makes no difference either, the chances don’t change) just doesn’t make sense to me.