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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How to prepare for potential gender disappointment?

80 replies

pomeggranit · 06/09/2019 17:09

I have my 20w anomaly scan on Monday and I want to find out the gender but at the same time I'm absolutely dreading it.

I know it stupid and as long as I have a healthy baby then that's the important bit but I've always pictured myself with a little boy and I know that if I find out on Monday that I'm having a little girl I'm going to be heartbroken.

I've tried telling myself all the good things about having a girl and I've tried daydreaming about having a little girl the same way I do about having a boy but it all feels so wrong and detached.

I'm certain if it is a girl I'll get my head round the idea before I'm due and I'll love her to bits once she's here but I've just had such a hard time with this pregnancy that I want something to go right and I want to finally be able to enjoy it.

Has anybody else been in this situation? How did you prepare yourself for the scan?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RednaxelasPony · 06/09/2019 18:59

The best thing to do is work through your feelings without getting stuck in them or feeling guilty etc. It's normal to have an emotional reaction when you find out the sex of your baby! Both positive and negative. There will be some things you would dread or look forward to whether a boy or a girl.

Ignore the pps above making out like emotions aren't normal or healthy.

NerrSnerr · 06/09/2019 19:00

This scan is looking for anomalies. Please just be relieved if the scan shows a healthy baby. I know you'd prefer to have a boy but I can't get my head around someone being heartbroken that they're having a healthy baby.

For both my children I was so relieved that they had a heartbeat and seemed ok at each scan nothing else mattered.

Original poster

pomeggranit · 06/09/2019 19:03

I don't need people telling me how irrational it is. I already know
I know that regardless of which gender they are it won't dictate their personality

It's not that I'll be heartbroken about having a girl but that I'll not be having (and probably never will have) the little boy that I've imagined. I know that's daft because if even if I do have a little boy he'll be his own person and not the one I've imagined.

Bit of a drip but I initially didn't want to go through with this pregnancy, ex convinced me to keep it. Then once I'd finally got my head around it it and was actually excited, he changed his mind and tried to pressure me into aborting. He's moved out and hasn't spoken to me since.
I think I just want to feel like I've got some control over something.

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 06/09/2019 19:04

Why bother having kids then?
I really have no time for this.
Some people (Hello! I am one of them) find out at 20 weeks that their pregnancy won't go full-term. So... there's that.

You're ashamed of a daughter you don't even have. Get a grip.

newtlover · 06/09/2019 19:05

how to prepare for potential gender disappointment?
grow the fuck up
you are going to be a parent, this is a human being we are talking about not a doll
be grateful that you have a baby and (please god) it's healthy
your baby's sex is entirely irrelevant until they are about 11, then you have to start thinking about puberty

LondonJax · 06/09/2019 19:05

I was convinced I was having a girl. I wanted a girl and would do silly day dreams like imagining I was going with 'her' to see her wedding dress.

Which is utterly ridiculous now I think back because:
She may not get married
She may not want a 'wedding dress' type of wedding
She may not want me to go with her to choose or see the dress (I went alone so why the heck I would expect to go with a daughter I'll never know!)

Then we found out I was expecting a boy. That was a bit of a 'stand back' moment. We both had lists of names of girls, quite literally as long as your arm. I had three names on my boy's name list. DH had two. DS has one of mine as his first name, middle name is one from his dad's list.

Once I'd got my head around it I realised that I wouldn't miss out on my wedding dream. My future daughter in law may take me, I don't have to go through all the angst if my daughter had turned into a bridezella, I can just rock up in a gorgeous frock and have fun at my DS's wedding (if he has one) without all the fighting to get in the bathroom, hairdressers taking over the house, photographers everywhere. And, of course, DS may not actually want to get married anyway - so I'll just rock up in a gorgeous frock on occasion instead.

When DS arrived I was so happy. He's an amazing boy and I absolutely adore him. I can't imagine life with a daughter now. Our son is just that...our son. Wouldn't be without him.

Try to nail down what the issue is with wanting a boy so desperately.

Looking back on my silly vision of playing mother of the bride I just realise how daft I actually was.

Msfartypants · 06/09/2019 19:06

Be happy with your human

TheVanguardSix · 06/09/2019 19:06

I think I just want to feel like I've got some control over something.

Do you have support? Family?

LouH1981 · 06/09/2019 19:08

I think it’s pretty natural that some people might have a preference.
I desperately wanted DC1 to be a girl and when my husband announced during my Caesarean section that we had a boy I was momentarily gutted. I wanted a girl because I felt I knew how they tick and I might struggle with what boys enjoy or how they feel.
I couldn’t have been more wrong and within minutes that little boy stole my heart. We are so close. My advice is that if it is a boy, you will fall in love immediately regardless.
I’m now pregnant with DC2 and am struggling to see myself with a girl 😂 But after years of ttc and one miscarriage, I’m just grateful to have a little one wriggling around inside.
Don’t beat yourself up, if it’s not the news you are expecting it will all turn out fine x

aliensprig · 06/09/2019 19:09

Why does the sex matter op? If it is a girl, please never tell her that you felt this way. It'll scar her for life.

mintich · 06/09/2019 19:09

Is there a part of you that thinks a son would be a man you could finally rely on in the future? I say that as my friend longed for a boy for this reason.

LochJessMonster · 06/09/2019 19:09

Wow people are being harsh.
So because other people have had miscarriages/still borns, OP isn’t allowed to have emotions and a little wobble?

You’ve acknowledged that your feelings are irrational and by the time your baby is born, you will be over them. It’s not odd to have had a strong picture in your mind and then be upset that it won’t happen.

Congrats on the pregnancy, and commiserations for the shitty ex.

pooopypants · 06/09/2019 19:30

You 'want control'? You can't control this. Simple.

And it's SEX, not gender

If you desperately wanted one of each, you should have thought about that before you conceived. It's luck of he draw and you have no control over it

We didn't find out with either of ours and it was the best surprise. Because we spent so long wondering, when the baby arrived, it was amazing.

I personally don't understand the huge fuss people make about finding out the sex, gender (😡) reveal parties etc. And I've known 2 people who were told one sex and got the other!

newtlover · 06/09/2019 19:31

this is why it should never have become the norm to inform people of fetal sex. outside of sex-linked genetic conditions

it allows people to build up a whole fantasy around the poor child, using stereotypes (football with dad/shopping with mum etc etc) which most likely will have no relationship at all to the child's actual inclinations and preferences

I'm sorry OP if your baby's father is a waste of space, please try and keep him out of your lives- that's something you CAN control, I hope. Most of being a parent is stuff you CANT control.

Twatonapogostick · 06/09/2019 19:37

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Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Gymbabes · 06/09/2019 19:37

I would try not to worry about it - you never know, it might be a boy! And if it isn't, you can give yourself a few days to come to terms with it but I bet as soon as you see that wiggly little thing on the screen and a nice strong beating heart you will love it all the more regardless xx

Weathergirl1 · 06/09/2019 19:38

@newtlover they're going to find out eventually though... Some people would rather know sooner so that they can confront those feelings before the child is born! It's not as though selective abortions are legal in this country (can understand why it would be bad to allow people to find out in places where that sort of thing happens).

bobstersmum · 06/09/2019 19:41

I had 2 boys that were very much wanted and longed for. I had no desire for a girl. Then I got pregnant very unexpectedly and was very depressed about it. Found out I was having a girl and I think I felt even worse because I only had boys and just couldn't picture us with a girl. My little girl was born and I can't explain what happened but the depression vanished and I loved her instantly. She is the centre of our world now we all adore her, her brothers think she's the funniest cutest little thing ever and she IS! Can't honestly imagine what I was worried about.