Pregnant, full of fear and not sure what to do

[Auntylisa]

Hello; i am 9 weeks pregnant and totally lost. I have been with my nice, kind partner for a year, and he wants this child. We currently live seperately, although we had planned for me to move in, i have just started a new job and am not yet out of my probabtion period. I am 34. i am in total shock and not sure what to do. I thought i had decided to go ahead, but i wake up feeling dread and anxiety; i feel we havent been together long enough, worry about the domesticity and grind;although i dont know if thats just that from new mum friends as thats usually what they focus on. I am aware that at my age i am no spring chicken but feel also trapped and not sure i'm ready. but on the other hand, feel that perhaps i shoulg give into fate and let this next part happen. My feelings seem to change daily, if not hourly. I dont want to just react out of fear as i think i would have some of these issues even if the baby was planned. I am acutely aware of time running out. Any advice would be most welcome.

Hi Lisa
So sorry to hear you're struggling. Only you can decide if going ahead with the pregnancy is right for you but just a few thoughts that might help you...34 isn't old at all, I had DS1 at 34 and am now 36 and pg with DS2. You wouldn't even be classed as an older mum yet. Both my pgs were very much planned and wanted and I still had some fo the same feelings as you. Its perfectly normal to be scared and worried, its a life changing experience, but a positive one for most people.

As for what you're hearing from your friends, if they knew you were pg I'm sure they'd be telling you different things but yes having kids is hard work and there's alot of routine to it, there's no denying that. But its also the most wonderful, amazing, fulfilling experience ever, at least it has been for me.

Is there someone impartial you could talk to, a mw (phone GPs surgery and ask for an appo) should be able to help or put you in touch with someone who can.

Good luck Lisa, I hope it all works out for you

Its completely normal to feel worried and fearful when you are pregnant. Im pregnant with my 2nd and even i had worries and concerns even though he was planned.
I think you need to have a chat with your dp and explain how you are feeling and also see how he feels. Its important that you share your concerns with him now while you still have options available to you.

Hi AL - think the mixed emotions you are going through are very natural. I am currently pregnant with my first - it was planned, very much wanted by DH and I and yet I still went through stages of feeling overwhelmed, scared - even wondering whether I had done the right thing at one point. Felt incredibly guilty and a little insane! For me the emotions passed as did the fear once I had had my first scan.

Your hormones are all over the place right now - so that will be affecting the way you feel, so do bear that in mind.

Do any of your close friends know about your news? I would try and confide in someone. I would also talk about this openly with your partner. Tell him your fears and concerns. If you arent sure about either of these options, then talk to a counsellor to try and get some perspective on the situation.

How soon is your first scan? You never know but seeing the LO on screen may just be what you need.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Thanks ladies for you prompt responses; that has made me cry too for some reason! I had heard a friend say they were very depressed when they were first pregnant and i was wondering if that could be part of whats happening to me? I have a scan at the end of august and hoped maybe that would help. I had talked to my partner before but i am worried now that he is sick of being the cheer leader. We arent getting on very well at the moment; i think the pressure is getting to us both. He thinks i'm snappy and i think he should read some pregnancy books and understand the concept of hormones. I also worry that the 'romance' part of our relationship is over very prematurely. If i think about not having the baby i cant come up with a good reason for what else i would do (if you know what i mean). I cant understand why i am not joyous; am i odd?

by the way dal, i did tell some friends, but it all just get spread like wildfire and added to the pressure; apart fro some total gems, alot of people have put thier own spin on it; ie, friend having IVF refuses to accept i cant be thrilled, single friend in her 40s adamant i am in perfect position etc. Child free friend the same age adamant my life is over. I just cant understand why the answer isnt obvious to me.

Hi Lisa

Sorry we've made you cry...those darn hormones! Definitely think an independent ear might help you get your thoughts together. As for DP, his reaction (and yours) sounds perfectly normal to me. Men just can't understand what we're going through and to some extent its unreasonable of us to expect them to. Keep talking to him and btw the romance doesn't need to be over by any means, granted you might not feel like it right now but try and make 'couple time' (sorry sounds really naff but its actually really important).

Good luck hun

your feelings sound really usual and common
a million things are flying round your head - how will i cope, what about work, how will my relationship change etc
we can change jobs/spouses/friends etc but a baby is forver and that is a big thing to comprehend (almost too big IYSWIM)
the only thing i can suggest is you talk to your partner - discuss your fears/dreams etc
you say he is nice and kind so that is a good start
you can't imagine the upheaval a new baby can bring but you also can't imagaine the sheer happiness and joy as well
good luck

Thanks Pheebe, thanks Ruby Slippers. Is it normal to feel like you dont want to be with your parnter anymore? Is that hormones? I used to really want to move in with him and now i dont want to; i cant work out what are real feelings (ie,pre preganancy crying= sad or furstrated) now i cant trust most of what i'm feeling. i'm worried i'll make a decision i'll regret just because i am so low, when i might always feel like this if i'm pregnant. i always assume i'd have kids but now its here i am knocked sideways.

I'd say so, yes. I love my Dh to bits and wouldn't be without him (been married 5 yrs now) but I quite often felt unreasonably angry and irritated with him in early stage of both pgs. I put it down to hormones, might also be cos you're so focused on yourself and whats happeining its quite difficult to find any emotion for anything else. Whatever you're feeling its normal believe me, hormones really can pull the rug out from under you. The good news is it does pass and the fog does clear ... occasionally

Hi AuntyLisa

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with 1st child, very much wanted, and yet I've had inexplicable down moments and panics as well. I think you should put off making life decisions till after that first scan because that will very likely change how you feel (or at least clarify it). You aren't alone though, and in the end other people's opinions don't really matter - it's what you discover you want that matters. Take care of yourself.

Hi AuntyLisa - I remember feeling just the same way when I was preggers with DD. She wasn't exactly planned, and I remember feeling like my body had been taken over my an alien. I was very resentful of the fetus ruling the roost and making things so difficult for me. But all that changed as the pregnancy went on, and now I couldn't love my wonderful DD any more than I do. Hormones are a bitch, and a baby really is a huge concept to get your head around!

If you're 9 weeks gone you must be due in March, right? Would you like to join us in the Due in March ante-natal club? There's a wonderful bunch of ladies there and we'd be very happy to lend an ear/shoulder any time you need it, plus we're all going through the same madness you are. Hope to see you over there....

hi lisa,
i no how you feel!! i was the same early on,(32+4 now) dont think you should tell to many people b4 you get your head round it!! (everyone seemed to annoy me cos they expect you to be extatic)once you get past 12 weeks things just seem to come together.by then my hormones calmed down so i could start being nice to my bloke again! instead of being grumpy.altho ours was planned it still a huge adjustment, i go between being excited to feeling sad that its not just the 2 of us anymore!(together 2 yrs b4 preg) still not sure iam ready to share him quite yet.once youve had your scan i would lay money on you having a total change in feelings, really is amazing! good luck xx

Aunty Lisa, you're not alone and as long as you're making your decision you can blab at us lot. What you are going through is perfectly normal, so don't beat yourself up because you don't fall into that stereotypical image of a glowing mum-to-be. It's all cobblers.

If it helps what you have written is identical to everything that I went through when I found out I was pregnant. My bump was also an accident and for the first five weeks I was just in shock. I spent every waking hour tryng to make a decision and there were days when I cried so hard I could barely dress myself. One moment I wanted to go with the flow and the next I'd be desperate for an abortion. Either way, this dragged on until I was ten weeks, when I had my dating scan. I knew in my heart that when I saw the baby I'd ether be chuffed or devastated and that's when I'd decide what to do. It worked. When I saw the baby I knew that I had to keep it. But even then it hasn't stopped the feelings of worry or panic but I just see those as moments that, overall, will make me stronger.

The best advice I can offer is, first, to block out all of the noise and just listen to yourself. Ignore the crap people say to you because often they push their own agendas and forget that this is a decision that only you can make.

Second take a trip to the parenting pages of the BBC site. There's a list there of the independent agencies who can offer you advice. I remember dowloading a questionnaire that helps you to make a decision from one of them.

Last, please don't be scared of whatever decision you take. If what you really want to do goes against everyone else's advice, sod 'em. This is about you, not what your bf wants or what your mates want. If there is every a time in your life to think about you and you alone, this is it. Be honest with yourself about what you want from life then just go and get it.

Hope this helps Auntylisa. And don't stop chatting at us if you find it's helping. I can assure you that whatever is going through your mind as already, at one time or another, gone through ours.

Big, fat, squashy hugs.

Sx

One more thing...

Isn't it a complete fucker that at the time when you need to make one of the biggest decisions of your life your hormones start messing you about? You can barely spell your name on some days let alone make a decision of this magnitude. Mother Nature screwed that one up, I can tell you.

Sx

Hi Lisa - perfectly normal to have these feelings towards your partner also. Sounds as though you guys were bubbling along quite happily and falling pregnant has put a fast forward on having to make decisions about everything! The great news is that you dont have to make decisions about everything rightaway. Dont put yourself under so much pressure. And certainly dont do it with pregnancy hormones coursing through you - I love DH to pieces but there were days where the irrational feelings towards him came from nowhere!

My advice is to take a deep breath and separate out all the issues. Try and understand how you feel about the baby and that alone. You are 9 weeks along - it may be worth paying for a private scan, you will be able to see the heartbeat now if you think that will help.

Re. the romance - dont worry about that either. Its not over, it'll just be different and a good different if you both let it be.

Re. your partner - he will most likely be feeling frustrated because he wants to make things better for you. Men are fixers - they want to fix what is wrong and make you feel better. I can guarantee that right now he feels pretty helpless and scared. He probably doesnt know how to help you and that will upset him more than anything. Talking to him will help you both.

Lots of hugs.

thanks ladies, very helpful. I think its that sense that i know what i am losing, but no idea of what's to come. it's almost impossible to imagine what its like. I just keep reminding myself that no one has ever said that they regret it. it is true, that we were just chugging along getting to know one another, with alot to deal with already; his parent died, i was made redundant from a job i loved, and his sibling was dumped in a very horrible way and is very dependent him (they have always been close). I wonder if we can stand this extra pressure or if we should take the pressure off. He says he wants to go ahead but i'm not sure how much hes thought it through. Sorry, i know i just seem to keep coming up with negatives in the face of such good advice, but i am just reeling. Bloddy hormones! What happened to my rational self!

Lisa - you really have to talk to him. I would think that he has thought it through. You have to stop double guessing him and trust what he tells you. The most important thing is to concentrate on figuring out how you feel right now.
I don't think there is ever a perfect time to be pregnant - sorry to hear about all the other things that have gone on. But as opposed to this being another pressure (as it feels right now) - it may turn out to the be the best thing ever!!

The rational part does return - my brain fog lifted with the tiredness at about wek 14. How's about making a list - nice a rational. Fors and againsts?
Dont have to show anyone, can be for your eyes only, so be brutally honest. Nothing more rational and black and white than that?? Just be sure to focus on the positives too - because there are so many! I hope you can see them all.

Tricky one Auntylisa ? you say your partner is ?nice and kind? that immediately made me think that you are not in love with him and had hoped you?d have a baby with someone you were in love with? I note your probation so assume there might be an issue with SMP and therefore money generally. I think it is a shock being pregnant even when you really wanted to be and there is always a thought in the early stages of what have I done. It is scary, your life will change forever. You say you are not sure what to do: I guess you have 3 options: keep the baby, have the baby and give it up or terminate the pregnancy. I would advise you to consider each of these with only yourself and your baby in mind and see where that takes you. Try not to think of your age as an additional pressure, you still have lots of child bearing years. Wishing you all the best

Hello Auntylisa,
So sorry to hear it's a difficult time for you at the moment. I am 35yrs old and know excactly what you are talking about when it comes to the "age thing", but really you do have quite a few fertile years left yet so don't panic. As everyone has told you already, you will experience lots of varying emotions ranging from excitement to fear, I think its the responsibility which terrifies us the most. I have a friend who is having her first baby at 37yrs old, the bloke didn't want to know, now she has decided life as a single mum will suit her just fine and is handling it amazingly, she is contracting with no job security or definate statutory mat pay, so if this is the way you decide to go I'm sure you find a way to cope if it's what you really want. Good luck x

MrsMcJnr, yes, very perceptive. I do love him, its just the lightheared chase each other round the kitchen sexy goodtimes haven't been on our agenda for a while, what with all the stresses and strains. That first rush of in loveness got kicked to the curb along with the death of his parent. It all just seems such a slog. I did do the for and against dal but and i thought i was resolved to have it, and felt excited for a few days, but now i am back to being depressed. I wish there was a holiday camp where you could try out the feeling of being a mum for a weekend! Part of me thinks i should have a termination but the other side of me thinks i am just so desperate not to feel so confused it would just be a reaction. Can you take anti depressants when you are pregnant? (Seriously, not meaning to sound dramatic but it might help??)

Lisa - please go and see your GP. They should be able to refer you to someone you can talk this through with. Whatever decision you arrive at - speak to someone first.

hi lisa. i hardly know where to start as your post sounds almost exactly like me a few months ago. the technical difference between how you and me is our age- im 27 this month so i didnt really have the added pressure of age (although i did have suspected PCOS which threatens fertility a bit, and the nagging thought that one never knows how many chances one will get)

When i got pg i and my partner had been together about 6 months, i had just come out of a long relationship and was really enjoying the casual dating side of it all, was playing hard to get and generally about as far away from wanting to settle down as a girl gets. but i always knew i wanted children, so that was in the plan, just not until my late 30s!

when we found out my boyf knew he wanted to go ahead straight away and let me know without putting the pressure on me. from the first moment i looked at the blue line i was full of confusion and remained so for ages. part of me thought i should be the go-getting, roll with the punches, accepting of life's curveballs type of person and just run with it. most of me was pretty horrified though at the idea of looking at potential single motherhood and all that entails (I love my job and am passionate about parties, work... parties!). i was changing my mind hourly, crying all the time, throwing pans and plates at my boyf (who i was still refusing to call a boyfriend btw!) and desparately trying to work out how on earth you are supposed to make hte biggest decision of your life whilst absolutely doolally on hormones and fear. the last thing i wanted was a 'family' and all the mundane domesticity that entailed. to cut a long story short i talked to my mum and a good friend who had had an abortion, considered counselling, wrote endless lists of pros and cons adn took my boyf on a rollercoaster of 'yes lets' then 'no i cant'. booked 2 appointments with abortion clinic, cancelled the first and ended up sitting iwth the counseller at the second (when 12 weeks pg) when i was supposed to be in surgery. i felt like my instincts had deserted me and i should just 'know' one way or the other, but the more thinking i did the furhter away i got from them. eventually walked away from the second appointment still pregnant and tentatively decided to go for it, simply on the basis that i couldnt make myself walk into teh abortion, not on the basis of anything more positive.

im now 6 months gone. i dont regret my decision, am excited about meeting my baby, and am mostly feeling strong about my future, with or without boyf. but i wanted to tell you that for me, the first scan didnt make me 100%, no regrets, happy to be a mum, nor did the second. i am still ambiguous at times and on dark nights scared that i have scuppered my rosy future...(all the other sexy men that were supposed to lined up for me!!). but i also know that everything will be fine, that (almost) no one ever regretted their child, and as you suspected, a lot of wise women told me that they felt ambiguous and wrong too until they gave birth.

For me the key points were, who was there to support me (family and friends), whether i was okay with the idea of being a single mum (only just!), and like i said, simply not being able to face the actual abortion.

i hope i didnt just hijack with my own story. im hoping that hearing my expereince will be of some help, and to know that completely NOT knowing what to do is normal. in the end i had to take myself to the line, outside the clinic at 12 weeks after being in crisis for 5 weeks, to be able to go ahead with the pg. not ideal!

boyf and i are trying to make a life together, i am moving in with him and trying to make it feel like my home (although for ages we looked at getting me a flat nearby so that we could take it one step at a time). i still throw things and am not 100% sure we'll make it, but the expereince has brought us much closer and it was seeing how he dealt with me when i was going through that awful time that made me sure he' be a good dad and partner.

i spose im trying to say there is life and happiness on the other side of the hole you are in right now- if you have an abortion it might be hard but you will be happy again and most likely pg again. if you dont you will be happy with your decision (if a bit scared too like me!).

what a long post. sorry. and now i am nearly crying. damn hormones!
RY x

Hey Auntylisa ? it?s funny how relationships change over time even when nothing else intervenes. I remember reading that for the first few months your body produces a hormone that makes you have that mad, head over heels feeling but that when that dissipates, you are left with the relationship you built during that crazy time. I think that might have some truth in it, I?ve had quite a few long term relationships (5 years, 7 years, 3 years and 6 years) as well as some mad, crazy short ones that were purely based on lust and heady excitement and whilst all the relationships I?ve had began that way, it was the 6 month mark that told me whether there was any future in them. My DH and I have been together 6 years and married for 1, he is absolutely the man for me, my sole mate, my best friend and the sexiest man alive in my book but it?s been a while since I chased him round the kitchen It does sound like your relationship has suffered a lot of stress and strain, hopefully things can only get better

You could well be depressed you know, you have had a lot on your plate. I am sure there are a few ladies on MN on anti depressants but I can?t remember who they are ? might be worth a thread asking people if they are pg and depressed and see what you get? It does sound as if speaking to a counsellor would help sort your feelings, it does sound like perhaps something is preventing you from deciding and it could be depression ? I?ve never suffered myself but my MIL is a manic depressive and the first sign we see of her going down is her inability to make a decision even on lunch not on anything as hard as what you are going through.

I do sort of know the thought process you are going through ? I found myself pregnant at 23 and though the father and I had been together 5 years and loved each other, I knew the relationship wouldn?t stand the test of time even though we would have got married for the baby. I was also just about to launch my career and wanted that more. I?ve never regretted my decision to terminate, I still think it was the right decision but sometimes in dark times (like when it took us 8 months to conceive and then we lost our baby at 10 weeks) the impact of what I actually did hits me and that can be hard to live with. It?s just as well that we don?t have the benefit of hindsight when we make our decisions!

I do really feel for you, here to chat anytime xx

This is so so normal. I have DS (2.6) and am pregnant with #2. Each baby was very much wanted and planned, took a reasonable time to get pregnant with, and we had a miscarriage before DS and another before DC2 so they were very precious... BUT when pregnant with DS I still spent huge amounts of time panicking and crying about what we were doing, and again this time (panicking, at least, no crying yet this time) (in principle not such a big change, but we are just getting to the point with DS where he can go to grandparents for a weekend while DH and I slope off somewhere, we can go out to eat as a family, and so forth, and this is going to catapault us right back to square 1). If you weren't panicking it would probably be a sign that you hadn't thought enough about what motherhood really means.

AuntieLisa - I am only skimmed the thread but when I got pregnant with DD I was in complete turmoil. We had planned to have another child, but not as soon and I had no idea what to do.

I had generally been depressed at a low level for years, but the "crisis" of an unplanned pregnancy really hit me hard and when I was about 12 weeks pregnant I went to the doctor and told him I wasn't coping. On the day I had my 12 week scan I had the scan in the morning and saw a pyschaiatrist in the afternoon, where I was prescribed Anti-depressants.

For me they helped to clear the fog which had descended onto me and although it took a few weeks to really make a difference, they made all the difference to me. I was on them until a few months ago and so I took them from 12 weeks pregnant until DD was 18 months.

I took lustral, also known as sertraline and breastfed DD for 10 months. As far as I can tell she is fine and without my having taken them, I don't think she or I would have been.