Pregnant, full of fear and not sure what to do

[Auntylisa]

Hello; i am 9 weeks pregnant and totally lost. I have been with my nice, kind partner for a year, and he wants this child. We currently live seperately, although we had planned for me to move in, i have just started a new job and am not yet out of my probabtion period. I am 34. i am in total shock and not sure what to do. I thought i had decided to go ahead, but i wake up feeling dread and anxiety; i feel we havent been together long enough, worry about the domesticity and grind;although i dont know if thats just that from new mum friends as thats usually what they focus on. I am aware that at my age i am no spring chicken but feel also trapped and not sure i'm ready. but on the other hand, feel that perhaps i shoulg give into fate and let this next part happen. My feelings seem to change daily, if not hourly. I dont want to just react out of fear as i think i would have some of these issues even if the baby was planned. I am acutely aware of time running out. Any advice would be most welcome.

Agree its normal- expecting no4, took ages to conceive ans still a bit like this LOL!
Remember it very clearly with ds1.

It can work out with someone yu dont know so well- DH and I had been together (albeit already engaged) 3 months when ds1 was conceived, we've been together 9 years next month, married for 7.5 and as is ay expecting no 4

Do be aware that yes as people said 34 isn't old but fertility in many women DOES drop at 34. DS1 / 2 / 3 were conceived with no wait whatsoever- this one took 8 months. I am also 34. taht's not to be pressuring - ultimately you must decide what si right for you, however equally its important you know the facts.

hello ladies,
Thanks for all the adivce and insight. I am a bit calmer today which i think is due to fimally getting it off my chest. Sorry to make you cry revelyel! very similar story. It is reassuring to hear how common the fear part is; i also think that my BF is great but he's won't be anywhere near as affected; just a fact as far i can see. Thanks for insight into lustral; will look into it. I want to imagine the happiness that might come but just cant seem to envisage it. Unfortunately my family know so i would have to lie to them, as they wouldnt accept a termination. Having said that, i think termination could be the answer then i find myself never calling them. I have had a termination before felt ok about it, as was right option. So why is this so unclear? Is it being a mum fun?

Iris, when the lustral kicked in did you feel better? Did you start to get excited? i wonder if its the answer?

Hi Lisa, all the posts give excellent advice so I don't think I need to add anything in that respect.

But, I already have a DD and am 4 months pregnant with an unpexoected no2. I have to say the romance has never gone out of our relationship and that having children does not mean the end to having fun together, having lots of sex and being in love.

I would have the scan, ignore any friends who are projecting their own agendas on you, and take one day at a time.

I still get scared about this baby I'm having since it was unplanned so you are totally normal there.

Best of luck with whatever choices you make.

its interesting to hear so many on here talk about depression being the cause of not being able to make the decision. that never crossed my mind, i just thought, and still do, its one of the hardest ever decisions for some people. im yet to be convinced that antidepressents are going to help anyone decide, but am open minded...

its not helpful that society never gives anything but the sugar coated rosy pg woman totally in love, totally happy, scenario. i blame advertising!

A lovely relative and obstetrician who in her decades of experience saw women asking for abortions every day, told me that she thought my inability to decide was an indication that i should have it, and that the vast vast majority of women who truly didnt want to be pg, were already viewing it as a problem and never a baby. not saying this is true, but it gave me pause for thought.

i cant speak for being a mum yet, but being pg is a sh*t load of fun! the kicks are the best feeling in the world, so excited about meeting this little person, and ive found the support from friends and acquaintances totally unexpected and lovely. so far so good!
good luck missy.
x

Hi I just wanted to say that the ups and downs were certainly part of my first 12 weeks with both my dd who is 2.3 years and with this one which is 25 weeks old and still in my tum. Both were very much wanted but I was all over the place hormonally with both.

I could be walking on air for lunch and crying into my tea by dinner time. Thanking my lucky stars for how amazing my dh and my life was at breakfast and threatening divorce by lunchtime.

I wish you all the good luck and wisdom in your decision making, you definitely came to the right place at mumsnet - the advice is great!!!

For me, the best thing that has ever happened to me is the birth of my dd. It's also been the best thing for my relationship with my dh.

Good luck - turmoil is horrible!!!!

I had decided before starting to take the anti-depressants that I wasn't going to have a termination, but I still felt either terrified, had no feelings about it, or just wanted to cry all the time.

I remember that 2 weeks after starting to take the ADs I still felt bad, but not quiet as bad. Within a month I felt more that I could see the point in going on (life as well as being pregnant). And by the time I had my 20 week scan I was definitely starting to get excited .

I don't think that ADs helped me to make any choices, but they gave me the strength I needed to work things out for myself.

hi all,

just a quick update; i tried to post this on friday but my network was down. As it stands at the moment, i feel calmer and think that i would like to, and am more able to have the baby. realised i was trying to plan my whole life and that perhaps i should just, as you all said, concentrate on now. I still think we should be able to sue mother nature for the hormone insanity! Thanks again for all the support and shared stories; without getting all hallmark card this exchange has reminded me how great women are and how generous they can be. Lots of love, lisa x

hi all,

just a quick update; i tried to post this on friday but my network was down. As it stands at the moment, i feel calmer and think that i would like to, and am more able to have the baby. realised i was trying to plan my whole life and that perhaps i should just, as you all said, concentrate on now. I still think we should be able to sue mother nature for the hormone insanity! Thanks again for all the support and shared stories; without getting all hallmark card this exchange has reminded me how great women are and how generous they can be. Lots of love, lisa x

if thats your decision auntylisa then a big (yet tentative!) congratulations. dont worry if even after you've decided to go for it you have worries and doubts, i think all the lovely posts here reassure us thats normal.

a couple more notes in case you hadnt already thought of them and are staying with your man- keep up lots of brutally honest (but loving) communication with your boyf, he sounds like mine in that he was clearly and quickly in favour of fatherhood which is great, but i do think that the decision is not as big for the man however involved he is planning to be, so make sure he's in touch with all your doubts and fears so that you can stay close. i think because mine saw all the turmoil and my occasional dark moments now, he is sure not to take this journey for granted, and will be more understanding of the vulnerable times.

plus i dont know if you have the choice or flexibility, but i found it hard to 'own' my pregnancy when i moved into my boyf's flat. what with him being keen on the baby and then making space in his flat for the three of us, ive found it an extra hurdle to make a space to live and a space for us as a family thats felt like my life choice, iyswim. if you can do it without too much stress then i would recommend getting a mutual living space that you create together for the three of you.. but its just the ideal, im still happy now after choosing some of my own decor!
good luck and if you feel like it i for one would love to hear how you get on x

Thanks reveyel, i will bear those points in mind, I am still abit confused (hourly mind change anyone?) but i do feel calmer. I will let you know how i go on; thanks again for your helpx