39 weeks pregnant mil just unleashed hell on me

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Hi there

New poster, please be gentle! I just need to vent and for tips on how not to feel totally abused and upset.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant and due tomorrow! The plan for our toddler was he'd be looked after by grandma mil, I've mentioned a couple of times could she look after him here, as it's all child proofed and safe to leave him for a minute if need to make food or go to the loo, and she has just changed the subject, her house has easy access to the front and back doors by a busy road, he can climb out of their high chair, there's millions of ornaments and plugs he can play with and as an active 2 year old all this worries the hell out of me.

So I asked my husband to speak with her directly a few days ago to ask if she could watch him at our house when we go to the hospital, as advised by heath visitor to keep his routine the same ahead of the new arrival, and she went absolutely ballistic saying loads of horrible stuff like our house is too dark (it's mostly white with lots of windows) and she refuses to stay there all day and she's got a bigger house and garden than us and we never make anyone feel welcome, which is weird because I usually make cakes and make an effort to make guests feel welcome when we have family visiting, and saying why does she have to host Christmas at her house and why don't I ask my mother, who I'm estranged from, to look after him instead!? Along with more personal criticisms and insults. Including that if I'm anxious I need to just get over it

My husband said he didn't even get a chance to give the reasoning as to why we'd prefer ds to be looked after at our house (which we thought would make it much easier for her). It sounds very premeditated to me and it makes me feel awful as in the last year we have met weekly to take ds on days out or for lunch and got on very well, but now I feel it was all affront and she really must hate me.

Unfortunately we are stuck as have literally no one else we can ask and I'm so upset by her nastyness, and worried about him
Being looked after by her full stop now. I've literally been crying every day and worrying and then worrying that this is not good for the baby either.

What would other people do in my situation, I did plan to give birth on my own but dh wants to be with me for support as last time was v traumatic and long

Sorry this is long, exhaustion, hormones, unexpected heat and I'm just so blooming confused!

Can you ask around friends and neighbours?

Also don't be fussy about your toddler sticking to his routine and being at your home. Do give whoever agrees to look after him, his basic routine so they know things like if he starts playing up in the day he's probably tired, but don't insist as most decent babysitters want to make life easy for themselves so will follow it anyway.

Also I don't think your MIL hates you but simply is looking for a get out so she doesn't have to look after your son.

Forgot to say at times like this you will be surprised who will step up (and who won't) if you ask.

Didn't want to read and run, sorry shes been like this, but it sounds like she feels abit put upon to be having DC when you go into labour, although she sounds like she's having a childish tantrum over it. Do you have any close friends or a different relative who could maybe look after him at your house?

I'm not saying her reaction is reasonable at all but maybe she took offence at your perceived "digs" about her house not being suitable and she has simmering resentment about it e.g. her house is good enough to entertain you at Christmas but not good enough to look after her grandson in. I do totally get your concerns but she raised your husband safely, if you really feel she would be neglectful and not watch him properly he probably isn't safe alone with her even in your house. Having said that her reaction seems OTT and i am sorry you are going through this have you got a close friend relative you can talk it through with and maybe they will volunteer to have your boy?

Your second birth is likely to be much quicker than your first, so you may not need to leave your ds with someone for a very long time. I agree that you may be surprised at who may offer to help out if you ask around.

Can you go and call on her and try to get to the bottom of this because it sounds very odd if it’s completly out of character? Might your dp have been tactless in some way?

Honestly I wouldn't ask anything off her again. Does your son go to childcare? Maybe someone from their would be able to watch him?
I'd genuinely prefer to give birth alone knowing my son was safe and happy with DH. And I'd never forgive her for it either

The bottom line is you need someone to look after ds tomorrow, better someone you know than someone you don’t, Try and patch things up until after the baby then decide what you want to do next.

She has managed to raise children without too much injury.
Surely she can lock her front door when she’s in.
Not every home you will visit with your children won’t be childproof.
Mine could all climb out of the lap fastened high chair. I used Reins and clipped onto the chair. Could this be an option?
She does have a point good enough to host meals but not enough to have her grandchild.

You do come across very anxious, I don't know of any 2 year olds who use a high chair, mine never did at that age (just an example). I can kind of see her point tbh, however you need your toddler watched when you go into labour so I guess just suck it up. As pp said, she realised your DH without killing him

What a nasty thing to do at the last moment.

I’d call around your friends, and any other family. And I wouldn’t ask her for help in future. She can’t be relied on.

MIL sounds very childish if she is unable to support you at this important time. If it were me, rather than worry, I would have DH caring for the child and give birth without his support - second child should be easier. I would not rely on MIL at all in future, but maybe build enough bridges that the children have a relationship with her. Good luck.

Okay, tbh it sounds like you are being a little over protective.

I am sure she loves your son very much and would never allow him to come to any harm.

She is maybe being a little over sensitive, but she probably feels insulted that you don’t think her home is safe. She has probably been scouted about this for months, and now is being told she’s not good enough.

I can totally see both sides, but could you ring, laugh it off, explain you are having a little bit of anxiety and allowed a few scenarios to mushroom. Say you know you love him and will take amazing care of him, but you keep honking about the high chair and plugs. Ask if she can humour you just this once and baby proof those two things.

The door really isn’t an issue.

Good luck with the new baby💐

Your mother-in-law is doing you a favour by providing child care for however long you are in hospital for the birth. The convention is that the person doing a favour gets to decide the terms and conditions, so if she wants to be in her own home rather than yours, it's a bit unreasonable to try to persuade her otherwise. She has brought up children so she will be aware of potential risks to toddlers.

Op send your son to your MiLs house. You will be in labour at home for hours, maybe days and you don’t want him to witness you in pain.

I WISH someone had given me this advice because my DC1 was very traumatised by seeing me in pain.

Oh and I ended up staying in hospital for 4 days so you should be prepared for him
To need looking after for some time

Your husband will have to look after the child while you go to hospital and go it alone I wouldn't trust a tantruming mil I mean what kind of person pulls this shit last minute

People always jump on these threads to say that grandparents have brought up at least one child so no what they're doing, but people do forget how much their house has gradually changed since their own children were little (from ornaments and electronics to keeping things in different places - alcohol and cleaning products regimes in lower cupboards for convenience for example - to having put in a pond or the road outside the door becoming far busier.

My parents have the "you survived" attitude, but my 2 year old nephew nearly drowned on their watch because they thought it was enough to be in the greenhouse while he and his brother played in the garden - which has a pond in it. He was only ok because the guy who knows their lawn had arrived - also unbeknownst to them and started to get set up to now the lawn and saw what happened and managed to fish him out quickly. To add insult to injury my parents blamed 5 year old nephew for not preventing his brother from falling in and insinuated he'd probably pushed him because "he wouldn't have just fallen in".

Needless to say they don't have small grandchildren unsupervised any more.

Some of us survived our childhoods more by luck than judgement I suspect...

*know not no

Daenerys77 nothing you say excuses a grown woman for going ballistic at a woman 39 weeks pregnant.

@nothingsreallynewunderthesun OMG that’s awful. It must have been scary.
I agree with you though. We all survived but times have changed.

Mil was having the conversation with DP.

She sounds like a stroppy pain in the arse tbh. Your feelings are paramount at this time, and if she can't comply with your wishes at a time like this, then tell her to sod off. Yes, she's doing you a favour, but the last thing you need to do is walking on eggshells round MIL at a time like this, especially when she's been so rude. It's not like you've told her that her house is a smelly shit hole, you're rightly concerned about the hazards. If she can't child proof her home adequately then her feelings don't really matter. None of this 'He's survived her house before' bollocks, you don't stop being a parent just because your DC is in a different place. Your rules still stand, and if she can't compromise then she's welcome to have a sulk in her own home, without DC.

Thank you for all the replies. I feel
A bit better about it now.

Yes I agree could be looking for a get out, we have now compromised as her husband will be there to help, he's usually in office or gardening so wasn't aware there would be 2 of them, so seems she may have been looking for a get out and has agreed to mind him this once, which suits me fine as I don't want regular childcare from her is any!

She's made me feel awful but really she should be ashamed of all the personal
Insults and nastyness, very childish.

My husband says she has form for
This and has no filter

Nothing omg that's so awful :-(
I agree they raised kids well I'm not disputing that but defiantly agree it was 35 years ago and her mobility and judgement is not as sharp as it was!
Virgin, I wish I had said something similar but I can't stand the confrontation!

That is awful. What a selfish woman to be putting that stress on you right before you have a baby! If she had issues they should of been brought up at a more appropriate time.

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all, its difficult to leave your child with soneone else and not worry anytime, never mind leaving them to go in and have a baby when you are already anxious.

At the end of the day though, she is your MIL, and unfortunatley she will always be a part of your life so its best to try to keep things civil but dont take any nonsense from her in future either... Maybe she was hormonal or having a bad day herself, but its great your dh is supportive of you and understands.

I know what its like to get a hard time from the in laws and im sorry you have had to deal with this. I hope all goes well for you and all of this stress melts away when you meet your new baby 🙂 x