Sharing pregnancy news with people who won't be happy for me

[CherM1592]

I'm about 7 weeks and 3 days and whilst it seems early to think about telling people my news it's all I can think about and it's causing me real stress at the moment.
My brother and SIL are having fertility struggles and have been ttc for 3 years now. I'm very sympathetic to their struggle and have always been there to chat with my SIL if she has needed as I can't imagine what it must be like to go through something like that.
My first pregnancy ended in a MMC which was devastating, but when i initially told my brother I was PG he didn't offer me any congratulations but actually went to bang his head off a door, he explained it would be really difficult news to share with his partner as she had been 4 days late and expected a BFP, unfortunately that wasn't the case. I received no congratulations from either of them, just constant questions from my brother about whether we had been trying or had it just happened (I know my SIL had sent him to ask me these questions).
When I miscarried I got nothing from my SIL, no words of comfort, no sympathy just complete silence, I know miscarriage is a subject some people find difficult to discuss and I don't know what I expected, I just expected more.
After 1 cycle me and my partner have found we are expecting again, whilst I'm over the moon I can't shake the awful impending doom of having to tell them again. I'm absolutely dreading it. My SIL spent the whole day last weekend telling me about all her fertility tablets and the side effects she was experiencing and what not and I felt horrific knowing I have this huge secret which at some point is going to really upset her.
Part of me feels angry at myself for feeling this way especially after the way they handled the situation after my mc but the other part (the bigger part) feels guilty that I'm about to upset them both so much.
If you've read this far then thank you! What I really need is some advice on how to break the news to them, has anyone experienced anything similar?

I haven't experienced anything similar but I think you've just got to tell them when you're ready and expect them to behave the same as before. They're entitled to their feelings but they should just put a face on and be polite about it. It's really unfair to take it out on you. In your position, I would be understanding of their feelings but I wouldn't beat myself up about it. It's not your fault and you are entitled to be excited! Just tell them and then try not to think about their reaction too much, let them just get on with it.

Congratulations!! ❤️☺️

I think your first sentence is right. It's far too early to think about telling anyone yet. More generally, I think you've tipped over the edge of laudable considerateness towards your brother and SIL and into poisoning your own feelings about your pregnancy because of fear of how they will react -- this really shouldn't be the case. You are clearly a kind and considerate person, but other than taking advice (which I'm sure you will get from people struggling with fertility problems on here) about how to tell them, I think you should take the pressure off and forget about them for the moment.

Is it possible you are dealing with your own anxiety about the miscarriage last time by displacing it onto your fear of your brother and SIL's reaction?

Congratulations. I think you just need to let them handle the news in the best way they can; unless they suddenly get pregnant then there’s not going to be a positive reaction and you just need to remind yourself that you’ve got what they want the most in the world so it’s going to be tough for them to hear.
It’s very sad that they’re so overwhelmed with trying that they couldn’t offer some sympathy to you in the past but I suppose that’s how difficult they’re finding the whole process

Its understandable that it must be hard for them to hear other people are expecting if they've been having problems but it's not your fault they way they react. You can't put your life on hold because things aren't happening for other people. Obviously it would be insensitive to rub their noses in it (not saying that you would) but this is a positive thing to happen to you, especially if you've had your own lose in the past, and no one should make you feel guilty for being happy about it

I would tell them by text or email, to avoid the kind of reaction your brother displayed last time.

I have been in your brother and SIL's situation and I prefered to hear about pg news in private so I could manage my reaction better. I certainly didn't show my feelings like he did if people told me in the flesh though, I put a brave face on it.

You have to tell them sooner or later, Cher. Just be low key about it and change the subject. They'll get used to the idea and will probably enjoy being aunt and uncle in due course. I sincerely hope your sister in law does become pregnant before too long, that would be wonderful but of course it may never happen and they have to come to terms with that. It can't be easy but people do manage to live happy and fulfilled lives, even useful ones, without having children.

Congratulations on your pregnancy , all good wishes for the future.

I agree about sending a text or email when the time comes to tell them. There's going to be heartache and tears on their part because your pregnancy will sadly remind them of what's currently out of reach for them. I've been in their shoes, it's very hard because sadly it's hard not be envious of others but I always appreciated people telling me via text so I wasn't forced to put a brave face on in front of them. I’d then make every effort to put a smile on my face and congratulate them when I next saw them in person.

It's fine too to acknowledge that you know that they will struggle with your news and just let them know that you're still there for them. They might want to back away a bit which I know is hurtful but it's just self-preservation on their part. You sounds very understanding and they're lucky to have such a caring sister / SIL but do try to enjoy your pregnancy, aside from them, hopefully you have lots of other people who will enjoy talking about / celebrating your pregnancy with.

I agree with pp who says a text would be better, when you are sure the pregnancy is viable. That way they have time to process it without the dramatics in front of you. They may say they're pissed off for not telling them face to face, but they will find any reason to have a pop at you at this fragile time I'm afraid. Just allow them space, and allow yourself yours. Congratulations, and please allow yourself happiness. Their sorrow is not your fault.

@Chirico
I think you may have a point. I'm sure my own anxiety is playing a part however I know if I wasn't so worked up about having to tell them I would be far more relaxed and things that were stressing me out during my first pregnancy aren't having the same effect this time round as I'm simply not rising to the stress of it.
Thank you so much for everyone's kind words and advice, I think the suggestions of breaking the news by text are more appropriate, I'm sure they'll have something to say about that but if I explain I wanted to give them the privacy to react and take in the news without having to do so in front of anyone else they will come to understand in time.

I’m afraid I wouldn’t be planning to tell anyone who behaved so appallingly the last time you told them. Only tell people who will be happy to hear the news. The news will eventually trickle down to your brother and if he complains that you didn’t tell him yourself you can tell him you saw how upset he was last time that he couldn’t even utter “congratulations” so thought you would spare him the upset this time.

I wouldn’t tell them your news until after your 12week scan. I would tell them by text saying you are very nervous after suffering a previous loss but you are pleased to let them know you are expecting and if all goes well your due date will be x date. Or could another family member such as your mum or dad let them know for you?

You sound very considerate about their feelings but equally I think they should be considering yours too. Yes they will be sad it is not their turn but they are your family and should be pleased for you and hopefully in time they will enjoy spending time with your new baby.

I've sadly had experience of this where my BIL & SIL have had troubles. My SIL didn't want to see me at all over the whole 9 months and they have only seen my DD twice, she is 6 months old and they just cannot speak to us anymore. I'm finding it very sad especially for my DH not to have his brother around but in the end, there is nothing we can do to help the situation except wait it out.

We ended up telling my BIL over the phone to break to SIL.

Congratulations on your news though.

I agree with everything @Aria2015 has suggested.
Please try not to take their reactions personally. They are not acting that way to hurt you but because they're going through the most devastating situation and your happy news makes it harder for them to ignore. No one can understand the pain of infertility if you are lucky enough not to have experienced it.
Also do expect them to back off for a bit but I agree to let them know you understand and still want a relationship with them when they are ready.
Unfortunately their situation may impact your happiness at this time but they're your family. If a family member is ill or suffering it is going to affect you.
Good luck with your pregnancy, they will come round eventually. I know because I've been in their situation xxx

I was the infertile one in the family and have had pregnancy announcements like yours sprung on me. The best way, the absolute best way, to announce a pregnancy to someone undergoing fertility issues is via text. That way they can get their grief out of the way before they come to you face to face. As for the mmc, my educated guess is they might have suffered those and kept quiet about it hence the silence. Comforting someone who has just had a miscarriage when you’ve had one / a chemical / failed implantation is very, very difficult. I suggest having a bit of sympathy but messaging them when you are past 12 weeks - you may find they react a lot better this time!

I agree, why stress yourself over people who have repeatedly shown you what awful people they are.

To offer no congratulations is one thing (bad enough) but to offer fuck all in the way of sympathy or support when you’ve lost a pg is (in my 3x mmc losses) unforgivable

To be blunt, and with my experience in this matter, I’d not even contemplate getting remotely excited or tell another living soul until I was in the safe zone, you have quite a way to go until 20 weeks, so just try to carry on as normal, rest, sleep, eat well and keep active and once you’re past the 1st scan THEN think about what you’re going to say and to whom.

For me, I’d put them to the very bottom of the list of people to tell. In fact if they heard via via and had the cheek to be miffed about it I’d remind them how badly they treated you the last time and that given their joy sucking and absolute determination not to offer any support whatsoever to a woman going through a miscarriage, that they should be bloody glad you even give them the time of day let alone any personal details about events in your life.

You are giving them waaaaay too much consideration tbh, they are undeserving of it.

Step back and leave them to it either way. If this pg goes to term, they’ll make it hard for you to be happy, and if it doesn’t, well they’ve shown you who they are already haven’t they.

All the very best, keeping everything crossed for you!

I agree with Joxer I’d let the news filter down to them through family - your brother actually banged his head off a door when you told him you were pregnant? Nah, give that shit a miss.

You know what, comforting someone who is going through what you’ve gone through IS easy actually! It just depends on how empathetic you are and how kind you can be to someone you know is hurting.

I’ve never struggled being there for people who’ve had serious depression, never been begrudging of those who were happy when I was at my most black

I’ve had a number of miscarriages and mmc and some of which were almost fatal to me, a hug and an ‘I’m so sorry, I know this is painful’ is the least we can do/say.

We have to be pragmatic about life sometimes, we can’t punish others for things that we experience that they don’t. Otherwise what’s the point of us ourselves even being here?

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart that is rubbish advice. The brother’s reaction is natural when you have a pregnancy announcement sprung on you. I couldn’t even say a word when my DB / DS announced their pregnancies, or really get involved much during them, even though I dote on my DN. Every pregnancy announcement was like getting shot in the chest. Even now that I’m pregnant I am grieving for all the time I lost, and you know what? None of my siblings really cared at all to ask me how I was during the process of ttc /ivf - they were only interested when it came to announcing their pregnancies. To make sure I didn’t give the wrong reaction and ruin their big moment. Only my friends had the consideration to text me first.

Ah OP this sucks.

I was in your SILs position a few years back, in fact her and my brother decided to tell me she was 4 weeks pregnant less than 24 hours after my DH and I found out we couldn't conceive. It was hard (especially as they had only been together a couple of months) but I still hugged them and congratulated them and made a fuss! Just like how I continue to make a fuss over my super adorable 2 year old nephew.

I wouldn't put too much thought into telling them, a text after your 12 week scan will suffice.

@Teddybear45 I dont think the advice was bad at all to be honest. Why are her brother and SILs feelings more important than her own? They behaved appallingly last time, she doesn't have to give then any more "consideration" this time.

@MzHz - comforting someone who has had a miscarriage when you have just had a secret one is very, very difficult and I imagine most women haven’t had the experience. When you are infertile there’s a sense of shame attached to miscarriages - and this expectation that people will judge you for it. I got judged with every failed cycle and I know people who made throwaway comments ‘you wasted all that money, if I were you i’d have adopted’ - usually by family or friends who got pregnant and had kids within 1 cycle and never even considered adoption as an option. And who know we wouldn’t qualify for adoption in the first place.

It's hard as SIL has told me on more than one occasion that it's harder to hear from people who weren't necessarily ttc and just have it happen for them, which is definitely how she will see my situation despite me and my partner already having a loss.
I don't want to upset people but at the same time I feel like after reading a lot of the response maybe I'm giving too much thought to people who perhaps wouldn't or don't give me the same thought.
I know if they were PG they wouldn't hold back on telling me their news despite the loss and heartbreak I have experienced in the past.
I just have to keep my fingers crossed that the fertility treatment will work and they will conceive before I have to tell them.

The brother’s reaction is natural when you have a pregnancy announcement sprung on you.

Bollocks.

I’ve had several friends go through infertility and not a single one of them or their partner’s banged their head off a door when someone else announced their pregnancy (of which there have been plenty) they all had the decency to congratulate the person and remember that someone else’s pregnancy announcement is not about them. Banging your head off walls is normal in very few circumstances.

If she feels like it's harder to hear about surprise conceptions then make sure she knows you planned it (not that it's her business) it may soften the blow

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart - They probably cried their eyes out in private though. Like I did. Every fucking time. Because nobody had the thought to just text me first. Knowing people who are infertile and experiencing it yourself are two different things - the OP asked for advice from the sil’s perspective and I provided it. Not sure what value you are bringing here.