Sharing pregnancy news with people who won't be happy for me

[CherM1592]

I'm about 7 weeks and 3 days and whilst it seems early to think about telling people my news it's all I can think about and it's causing me real stress at the moment.
My brother and SIL are having fertility struggles and have been ttc for 3 years now. I'm very sympathetic to their struggle and have always been there to chat with my SIL if she has needed as I can't imagine what it must be like to go through something like that.
My first pregnancy ended in a MMC which was devastating, but when i initially told my brother I was PG he didn't offer me any congratulations but actually went to bang his head off a door, he explained it would be really difficult news to share with his partner as she had been 4 days late and expected a BFP, unfortunately that wasn't the case. I received no congratulations from either of them, just constant questions from my brother about whether we had been trying or had it just happened (I know my SIL had sent him to ask me these questions).
When I miscarried I got nothing from my SIL, no words of comfort, no sympathy just complete silence, I know miscarriage is a subject some people find difficult to discuss and I don't know what I expected, I just expected more.
After 1 cycle me and my partner have found we are expecting again, whilst I'm over the moon I can't shake the awful impending doom of having to tell them again. I'm absolutely dreading it. My SIL spent the whole day last weekend telling me about all her fertility tablets and the side effects she was experiencing and what not and I felt horrific knowing I have this huge secret which at some point is going to really upset her.
Part of me feels angry at myself for feeling this way especially after the way they handled the situation after my mc but the other part (the bigger part) feels guilty that I'm about to upset them both so much.
If you've read this far then thank you! What I really need is some advice on how to break the news to them, has anyone experienced anything similar?

OP your pregnancy is wonderful news and sharing that news should be a positive experience for you. If you think anyone will cause you to feel bad for having something lovely happen to you then protect yourself from that negativity and only tell those who will be happy for you.

They probably cried their eyes out in private though.

Yes, they did. And some of them cried with me when telling me. How does that compare to what OPs brother did?

Not sure what value you are bringing here.

That’s ok. You don’t have to be sure. It’s not your thread. You’re not the one asking for advice. OP is.

the OP asked for advice from the sil’s perspective

No she didn’t actually. She asked for advice on breaking the news.

Congratulations. As someone who never achieved a much wanted second child, due to multiple miscarriages, I understand in a way how they feel but their reaction was uncalled for and cruel. You can't expect the world to stop turning.

Hope everything goes well for you this time x

I was in a similar situation to you. My brother and SIL have been TTC for a few years and have had no luck. We started TTC last year and it took 7 months but we got pregnant and I was nervous to tell them as I didn't want to upset them or rub it in their faces. Sadly we lost that pregnancy. I'm now 17 weeks pregnant and I was having the same worries as before about telling them. I feel bad that I've fallen pregnant twice and they're still struggling. We told them about 6 weeks ago and altho my SIL gave me a hug and said congrats etc, it did seem to hit my brother a bit harder, he was quiet about it and didn't really mention it. I think we all expected him to have a child before me as he's 4 years older and I feel like I've taken that from him. Not only that but it's the first grandchild/great grandchild so bit of a double blow. Luckily they are being really nice about it and showing some interest now. I hope your bro and SIL can accept it and be happy for you and not ruin your pregnancy. Congratulations btw!

Hi OP, firstly, congratulations!! 🥳
How exciting for you, I'm sorry you're struggling with your Families feelings during this celebratory time.
Just wanted to add that we're ttc, have been for just over a Year - I had an awful miscarriage in June which was our first bfp since trying to get pregnant.
During our Year trying 2 of my sister in laws, 2 of my best friends and 1 colleague have all gotten Pregnant. Yes it hurts a little (only because I'm jealous 😊) but I am no less Happy for them and their wonderful news!
It's not your fault your Brother and SIL are struggling, sounds like you've supported their journey for a while now therefore they should support yours! Best of luck and hope your pregnancy treats you well x

What they are going through is awful and they as a humans have their a right to be angry not dickheads. Behind your back they can scream and shout and say all the things that run through their head, but to your face they should even pretend to be happy. IMO and to my beliefs acting in such a way will not help them be granted the present of a life. Yes it hurts, I can’t imagine the fucking pain and everyone is different, but she was rude as was your brother and your happiness for this occasion should not be tainted by another’s misfortune. It’s fucking shit but it’s life. There is no need to be a cunt about it.

Ah congratulations!

I had some family respond negatively to my first pregnancy announcement, for no reason other than their disapproval, and it really upset me. I never forgot it or forgave them tbh, I just erased any expectation of their support or happiness for us with my next pregnancies.

Whilst it's sad your brother and sil are struggling themselves, there's really no justification for treating you so appallingly. I would also send them a text after your 12 week scan, saying you thought it would be most sensitive to inform them this way. Your brother has zero right to be pissed off with you for this.

But also just prepare yourself, don't have any expectation of them being happy for you, feigning happiness for your pregnancy, or even once your baby arrives. They might come around, but they might not.

Don't waste time and energy in feeling sad and anxious over people who couldnt muster some love and sympathy for you when you miscarried. Enjoy your pregnancy and your brand new little family. Congratulations again

I don't know why there's no spaces or paragraphs in that, sorry!

Given your recent loss I'm sure your dB and sil are expecting to hear this news again soon. I was in your sil's position but I was always genuinely happy for other people. Didn't mean it didn't hurt that I wasn't for a long time. They will accept it eventually and will understand what it feels like when they do conceive (if they're are lucky enough). You may have to just bite your tongue/avoid them until they come around. Don't let them take your joy away. You don't need added worry and stress during your pregnancy.

Please tell them via text/whatsapp/email.

That way you help both them to deal with it in their own space and means you dont risk having getting an unhappy reaction to your happy news.

I am sure they will be happy for you, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't highlight their hurt and make things harder for them as a reminder of what they do not have.

Don't let someone else tell them, they will just be upset that you didn't tell them yourself and it could make things uncomfortable. I would tell them first but by text.

Congratulations hope it all goes well!

Hi OP,
I was in a very similar position a few weeks ago (I'm now 14 weeks pregnant).
One of my best friends started TTC in January (around the same time we did, although I kept it secret because I'm quite private). I found out I was pregnant at about 6 weeks, the same day my friend had a big meltdown in our group chat about all these people falling pregnant around her and how upset she was that it hadn't happened for her yet. I decided to wait until the 12 week scan to tell her, and to break the news via text. In the text I said I know it would be a shock and that I understood if she couldn't be happy for us just yet etc. (similar to what previous posters have said). She replied with congratulations etc., but she has hardly mentioned it since and hasn't asked me how I am (which wasn't totally unexpected). One of our mutual friends later told me that she was a bit upset that I'd waited that long to tell her, but she would have been upset no matter when I decided to tell her.
I must admit that the stress about how to break the news to her made me a bit less excited about being pregnant (despite having tried for 6 months). In the end though I don't really mind because our relationship is more important to me than the few weeks of uncertainty I felt.
You can't control how other people react, but you can make it easier for everyone by telling them privately. Your brother and SIL will be upset and jealous, but hopefully they'll get over it in time and will enjoy spending time with their niece/nephew ☺️

I would go ahead and tell them in a matter of fact way the next time you see both of them together (assuming you have reasonably frequent contact) no big announcement just that you wanted to let them know before you shared the news outside of the family. Waiting until 12 weeks or whatever just is storing up more issues as they could complain you kept them out of the loop. A combination of the fertility drugs and the stress of it all means they won't be thinking straight, im sure your brother was genuinely worried how to tell his wife. It's hard to put yourself in the shoes of someone who cannot conceive

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It's such a tricky situation, but as others have said text them and they will react how they react, not something you should stress over; you shouldn't feel bad for being pregnant. Their situation is heartbreaking, but that's nothing to do with yours, and asking it you planned it is none of their business to be honest. I had a friend and we told her via text and she decided never to speak to us again as we hadn't spoken before about wanting a family, that's her decision and I respect that if it's what she needs to do to get through the days, but you cant feel bad about it.

It's understandable being upset hearing such news if you've been trying for a long time. When we broke the news to my brother and sister in law it was unfortunately on the day she was having a suspected mc.

She however was happy and kind, but as i later found out, rather upset by it all and then felt bad for being upset.

That's a normal response.

Frankly I don't think your brother or sil are being very nice people about it. However, maybe there's more too it. Maybe she to has had miscarriages and she just find it hard to talk about.

You'll need to tell them at some point. Wait a short while and tell them perhaps quietly and don't make a big deal of it.

I was your SIL for 6 long agonising years before we finally had our twins via IVF. I had so many announcements from close family and friends over those years and yes I found it incredibly hard and yes I cried but I was always happy for them in the end but deep down I just wished it was me. After the first few I had made it clear if there were to be anymore announcements could they let me know by text or even let another family member let me know as I couldn’t hide the disappointment I felt and it made me feel like utter shite being unable to show happiness in their presence it was so bloody uncomfortable. But I got over it and in regards to your brother in laws reaction..... it’s quite bizarre. But clearly he wasn’t feeling like he could deal with his partners reaction and he reacted that way. Just tell them and give them time to process. But please don’t let it ruin your own experience, this is your time and you should enjoy every single second of it X

Congratulations, OP. Hope everything goes well with your pregnancy.

Could your mum or dad let your brother know?

The good news is that they'll kind of be expecting it this time round, as you previously got pregnant and unfortunately had a loss - so they'll expect to hear again soon that you're pregnant again, however hard it might be for them to swallow, at least there wont be the element of shock this time.

I think, despite how difficult it must be for them, its pretty shit they couldnt muster a fake "congratulations, so happy for you!"