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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Another she hates me thread...

27 replies

Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 14:18

Not sure if this is in the right place but here's my story in a nutshell...

I'm 40, she's 34.
She has a child from an previous relationship (who I adore), I have no other children.
Been together for 6 months, live together, 3 months pregnant.

For the last 6/8 weeks she's slowly withdrawn from me and we've been bickering over nothing. I've not been as patient as I could but so always try to make up. We fell out last week over something trivial (I shouldn't have been sarcastic but couldn't help myself), haven't spoken or seen each other in a week (I've stayed at a friend's) but messaged today saying we're over.

I can still live in the house with her in separate rooms if I wish and she isn't going to exclude me from the baby (unless I dont do what she says) but don't know if I should stay and support her from the sidelines or give her space and move out (can't stand the thought of leaving).

Friends advise me to leave but I want to stay to support and be there hoping it will all resolve itself.

We had the perfect relationship to begin with but it seems hormones and depression (has been prescribed anti depressants) have gotten the better of her.

I love her to bits but she gets angry if I tell her. Tried to ask her to not finish things and got told she's not interested.

Everything I do is wrong, she finds me annoying and generally hates me.

Can anyone offer any advice please because this is all killing me!

OP posts:
pinkpinkblue · 19/08/2019 14:28

I've been with my husband for years, I love him dearly but he annoys me so much when I'm pregnant for no particular reason. It's 9 months of exhaustion, looking and feeling like shit and we probably shouldn't but we often do take it out on the people we are closest to.

pinkpinkblue · 19/08/2019 14:30

I've just seen you've only been together 6 months, that's really not going to help. You've not got the solid foundation that is needed.

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 14:32

I've said the same thing. About a third of our relationship has been a disaster!

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 19/08/2019 14:33

Together six months, pregnant after three, living together, a child from a previous relationship who you and she thought it would be appropriate to move you in with?

I can't actually think of any advice to give you and I don't think you'd take it if I did.

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 14:34

So how do I deal with her at the moment?! If I leave I'll regret it but she's making staying so hard. And we're at the end of the first trimester when it should get easier...
And the scan is tomorrow which might put a different perspective on things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 14:36

CarolDanvers...... I'm open to advice.

OP posts:
pinkpinkblue · 19/08/2019 14:40

It won't get easier ☹️ and however hard pregnancy is a newborn is much much harder.

RozHuntleysIncineratedHand · 19/08/2019 14:44

Could be hormones or it could well be that you don’t know each other that well after only six months and she’s realising this. A lot has happened in a short space of time. No advice going forward but there will be a baby in the mix in 6 months at which point it doesn’t matter what you or she want it’s what is best for the baby.

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 15:06

I'm not afraid to put in the work with the baby or support her, I just need to know the best way forward right now. She hasn't kicked me out which would suggest she wants me there (she's not backwards I'm coming forwards) but she's struggling and I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Kinsters · 19/08/2019 15:23

I agree with pinkpinkblue, pregnancy is a difficult time for many women and I really can't see it as being the best time to be trying to build the foundations of a new relationship.

I would also be hesitant to attribute the breakdown solely to hormones/depression. It's really not uncommon for new relationships to end (there's always that stick or twist moment a few months in). It's just unfortunate that you created a baby and developed a relationship with her child apparently before passing that stick or twist point. And now she wants to twist...

TeaForDad · 19/08/2019 15:33

You've been together 6 months
3 months in, she's pregnant.
This is a terrible start. And your already in the lives of her kids as what, friend? Stepdad?

Have you considered a termination?

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 15:34

I understand the situation, I'm living it each day. It's not ideal and I get that. I'm just trying to find a way to deal with everything that's going on and make sure we're all OK.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 15:35

She's toyed with the idea of termination but that's not an option and I'm not going to be the one to try and push her down that road...

OP posts:
Lollypop10 · 19/08/2019 15:40

If your serious about making relationship work. Don’t move out. Give her space and time. Hormones do stupid crazy things to women. We have no control over it at times.
Yes the fact you’ve only been together 6 months isn’t ideal especially pregnant after 3 months. Pregnancy and children puts a massive stress on relationships in even the most solid relationships but def an uphill struggle with such a short time together. You know this though. So I’d say. Tell her your giving her time. Move into spare room but let her know your intentions. That you see a future if do. She may come round or it may be that the relationship is over. Could go either way. Good luck.

TeaForDad · 19/08/2019 15:42

I would personally talk hard together about it and if you really want a kid and sibling coming into this situation.
You have a say in things too remember.

I can't believe you already live together after such a short time. Did you know each other before getting together?

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 15:43

@Lollypop10 thank you. I am serious about making this work, baby or no baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 15:45

@TeaForDad it was all a bit rushed but it felt right. It was her who asked me to move on. She doesn't want to talk at the moment, just wants to be left alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 15:46

*in. Move in, not on.

OP posts:
Casander · 19/08/2019 16:09

It's difficult because you don't really know each other, on one hand I think you should move out, even if you look at renting a room locally on a temporary basis, while you actually get to know each other. You can still be there for her and the baby but you need to build a solid foundation for your relationship too. On the other hand I can see from her point of view that you moving out would probably make her feel like she was going to have to do it on her own.

Do you do things as a couple? Fun things and dates like you should be doing 6 months in or have you both fallen into "married life" already?

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 16:20

@Casander the last 3 weeks have been the worst when everything has gone down hill. We had an argument that blew up out of all proportion and things haven't been the same. Until then we were still going out, planning trips away etc but now she's cancelled a few times and we've spent the last few weekends apart which now feels like a mistake. Until then thing's were OK. She was struggling with being tired etc which wasn't a surprise but nothing like this. This is a whole new kind of angry and just as we were getting back on an even keel.... Boom! The world came crashing down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 16:22

She is lashing out at others too which makes me feel a bit better because it's not just me.....buy it is mostly aimed at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectantdadben · 19/08/2019 16:38

And her mum thinks she's snapped because she's upset and angry over our last argument (over accidentally putting the wrong stuff into the recycling bin) and digging her heels in. She was apparently very hormonal last time round and unbearable to be around but went through everything completely on her own so didn't have anyone there to unleash her fury at.

OP posts:
secretlyhermione · 19/08/2019 17:37

It sounds like you really care about her. At this point whether it's the ideal situation or not is not really the point. If you want this baby and want to work this out I would give her the space she needs. At the same time, the baby is also yours, so being present at the scans etc is very important and showing you support her in this. I've been with my DP for over 10 years and he is wonderful but as others have said pregnancy is a whole mix of hormones and. I also get irritated for no rational reason! I think maybe what would work best is sleeping in a spare room or on the couch. Of course there is also another child which makes things a tad more complicated. I tend to look more positively at things. As there is a baby in there, I think it's better to stick around and try to make it work.

strawberriesandrosepetals · 19/08/2019 18:22

Things weren't going great between myself and my husband during early pregnancy and we'd been together for donkeys years. I was exhausted, stressed from working 80 hours a week and full of hormones. I was a nightmare to be around and he refused to talk to me about the pregnancy. In his defence he took all the crying and screaming on the chin.

The scan changed things. I don't know if it will help you the same way as it was our first baby, but all of a sudden there was something real and tangible in front of us that was a hell of a lot more important than whatever else was going on. He started talking to me and my hormones settled down.

Maybe talk to your midwife yourself if you are worried. They can be a lot of help. I had other work related issues and the midwife referred me to a counsellor. It was someone else to cry on if nothing else but it meant hubby got less flack.

Good luck tomorrow and I hope things work out.

threemonthstogo · 19/08/2019 20:18

You sound like a lovely guy. No the situation isn't ideal and has been fast but these things happen. I agree with other PPs that moving in to the spare room and giving her space/time is the best move. Focus on getting on as co-parents for now and see if something will grow. Pregnancy really sucks, and it could be that hormones etc are playing a big role here (though I do not advise saying that to her if you value your life!) The first trimester is particularly bad too.

When you say you discussed termination but that isn't an option - is that because you both really want the baby?

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